Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

Oops! That's "Greenockgran," not "Greencockgran!" Sorry I misread!

"my mum turned her back on me when my sister returned from overseas, but my family had always told me to do so. "

Green, I'm so sorry your mum did this to you! (((Hugs!))). But I don't get the part of the sentence that says what your family told you to do. Am I to understand that your family told you to back away from mum, even before she backed away from you? Are there some words missing? Or what?

Yoga, your story is very scary. It sounds as if SIL is very controlling and I don't blame you for fearing he may be abusive. Maybe just emotional abuse now, but I understand why you think he may beat ED up one day. I hope she comes to her senses before that happens and has the confidence to pack up the GC and leave. My heart aches for you - and for her if she is being mistreated. But I guess she'll have to come to see it on her own.

Greencockgran, hi there! How wonderful that your family accepts the fact that you're "loud and outspoken." You're probably a wonderful human being in many ways, however. Also, I agree that you're lucky and applaud your for being able to see that. A parent/PIL/GP shouldn't have to change their personality, but not every AC or CIL sees it that way. And some of them couldn't handle it if they're parent/PIL were to outspokenly disagree with how they (AC/CIL) raise their kids and so forth.

So yes, I agree that some of it is about the AC/CIL or about how well the different personalities mesh. Sometimes, they just don't and not much can be done. That's one of the reasons, IMO, it's great to have a board like this where people can support each other.

You didn't barge in Greenockgran, please don't think that you did and that your thoughts and comments are anything other than welcomed; it was an amazingly honest and candid post. Barge in any time you feel like it.

I think you're right Yogagirl, time and time again you read and hear about a child who had a particularly difficult relationship with their parent(s) and did all they could to try and maintain it (I'm not referring to you of course Greenockgran). After a year and a half it now looks as if DIL is back in touch with her mother again; she announced on face book just last week, 5 weeks' after our ES's second child was born that she had another grand child.

I can't deny that I'mbut you know what, I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing her sick and twisted games, never knowing from one day to the next whether we're in or out of their lives; life's too short and my hearts simply not strong enough to cope.

It must have been lovely spending your GD's first Christmas with her and her lovely mum and dad.

*Heavenknows*, it's a positive step forward and I'm keeping everything crossed for you (that does make typing rather difficult though
) that this is the beginning of the road to recovery for your relationship with your D.

When I first started to post on this thread Wendysue Mr. S. used to worry in case DIL or someone who knew her saw my posts and realised who I am but it's never bothered me. I've only ever told the truth and would gladly say it to them directly if I ever got the chance. You're right, we need some where to vent, we need people in the same boat who can understand and it might do some of our ES a bit of good to see in black and white, not only haw they treat us but how their behaviour is viewed by others.

So pleased Celeb that you hugged and sorted things out with Steve. What with your bad knee, the health problems you've had this year and of course missing Tor and the children, you're bound to be more sensitive and Christmas just makes it all harder. I had a heated discussion with DS a few nights ago (not about ES). We've always had them, and he's always argued his point of view with great enthusiasm and at times aggression but I ended up in tears; poor boy .

I explained that the last 3.5 years had knocked all of the stuffing out of me, damaged my self confidence and I just don't have it in me at the moment to go at it with him hammer and tongs the way we've always done and for the most part enjoyed. He apologised bless him but there was no need, he just hadn't realised how 'damaged' we are.

Sorry for the long post. Have a good day every one. It's 11.35 am here at moment and just a bit too hot.

I am pleased to share and be so candid...but you would really talk about your own problems, and I get that. Sorry to barge in xx.

No he hasn't, that is just how I think it may end with my estD and her nasty husband!

Greenockgan It's very nice of you to share your story with us and be so candid I think it's the good kind gentle mums that get cut out. It's like our love they know is unconditional, will always be there, so can be thrown away, and will still be there, later. Whereas, with a Mother & Father that the love has to be won and if 'cut out' they wouldn't be much bothered, then their C dare not do this to them!

He beat her up?

Heaveknows So good to hear you have seen your estD, you did the right thing, I hope it now goes from strength to strength. That is just how I envisage seeing my estD again, getting a call from the hospital; but because he nasty husband has beaten her up badly

I have read through so many posts here and I believe it it is not us it is them! Now i am probably the most loud mouthed, opinionated horrible person I know but somehow my daughter and her partner, my son and his partner and my ex husband all spend a lot of time at my house.

my mum turned her back on me when my sister returned from overseas, but my family had always told me to do so. Now I have a grandaughter I share twice a week with my ex husband (he has a lady he cares for) and a little grandson on the way.

I really feel I don't deserve their attention, and I am sure I am a lot worse than the ladies who post here, but I just wanted to say, you are not as bad as me, the one who is so loud and seems to get away with it.

You are who you are and if they don't like it there is very little you can do. How I have got away with it I will never know. Xx

Smileless so pleased to hear you are enjoying your Christmas in Oz with your dear Son. Having lived in Africa for 6yrs, I know how strange it is to have Christmas in the hot sun

I had a lovely Xmas day with my ND, s.i.l & baby Clara. I did cook the dinner, as poor D had her hands full and also I wanted her to rest and enjoy the day. Xmas eve changed a little, as ND suddenly dropped off baby, so she could go for a drink with her girl friends, which I encouraged as she needed to have a little time enjoying herself and catching up. Boxing day I had everyone to me, which was lovely. Back to my classes today, but have NYE & Day off

Celebgran may not be a good idea to loose all your friends. I heard of a grandparent moving to be near their grandchildren, only for them to move within the year!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

Well I'm on my new laptop, so bare with me for a few months, whilst I get used to it! So many posts, so I'll read and reply, getting a bit rumbly in my tummy, so may need to stop to put something in to cook.

Firstly Celebgran so sorry your son made you cry, I'm sure he didn't mean to and no doubt felt awful after, we are easily upset I think.

Wendysue no argument, I always visited my now estD on a Friday morning, I phoned to confirm, we always chatted in the mornings anyway, but my phone had been out of order for two days, anyhow, no reply, left a message, phoned again with no reply, waited till 1pm, then txted that I'd be over as I was getting worried. I phoned her brother and sister' they got no reply too, So I went round. All the heavy curtains were drawn! I knocked, phoned both phones; nothing! By now I thought something terrible had happened, so I called the police, backed by my other daughter and son. The police arrived, same thing; no reply, so they jumped over the garden fence, looked in the kitchen window, and there was my D husband. I thought he would be at work. He of course opened the front door for the police, and that's when he said to me, after letting the police in " And you can F* OFF" Into the fourth year of not seeing my beloveds now!

If only heave. Knows, she was the same last time we visited and last Xmas one before they came to us, to visit gymn for Induction on Xmas eve when we had awful ?200mile drive in dreadful wind and rain was not very thoughtful.

Then announce boys had cleaned up right 16 and 14 mmm and nothing prepared at all so our son goes for take away for us which was awful and we were so cold.

NEver mind live And learn, her mum lives I. S Africa her dad died, so our so. Gave her air miles she was treated like royalty when she came over last year.

I think to be fair she does say if not happy but we felt we could t upset our son who was trying hard.

Celeb - I was wondering, when reading your post, if he was doing everything to give her a break for the day? We've seen some posts on MN where the DH/DP took over the household duties on the day, so the DW could relax a little (granted, not many ). It's so hard to know if neither of them mention it.

Thanks for the good wishes, heavenknows! Same to you!

I'm fairly new here so don't know your story. But I'm glad you're back in contact with dd and dgs though I'm sorry it had to happen the way it did. I don't blame you for going to her, despite the past - that's how we mothers are, aren't we? Besides, I agree with your idea not to stoop to the same behavior. I hope things keep getting better.

Iam, you know, you're right. our DSs or DDs and so forth could read gransnet and recognize some of us. So maybe, yeah, people should be careful about details. But I hope these young people realize that we need a place to vent, too (there are plenty of DIL boards and stuff) and that we might not understand some of the things they do, if they don't tell us, because their generation does some stuff a little differently than ours did.

What a beautiful post. Smileless! Hope you continue to have a good time!

Celeb, I'm glad to hear about those cuddles and so forth! It's great that he and his partner want you to move closer to them, too. I understand your conflict over that though - so many pros and cons! I wouldn't rush into anything.

As for his partner's behavior, I've read elsewhere that some young couples have a yours/mine policy. IOWs, "you deal with your family and I'll deal with mine." In some cases, that even means that the man does all or most of the entertaining when his family comes to visit and she does all or most of it when her family comes. So maybe Steve and DIL have that policy and that's why he was doing so much while she sat with her feet up and so forth. That doesn't excuse the cold lunch, of course, but maybe that was just a fluke.

Gotta go for a few minutes but will be back...

I hope everyone got through Christmas and Boxing Day okay. I've been away from the boards for a bit as so much else going on.

Interestingly, I have had some contact from dd recently. She ended up in hospital in an emergency situation and her boyfriend texted me to let me know. I was surprised, but glad they told me. She had surgery and is home and recuperating now, but I did go in and visit her while she was in hospital and brought her a few things as she was there for over a week. My family were a bit about me going in to visit here after how dreadfully she treated me when I was so ill, but I decided that I was not going to stoop to that behaviour. She has texted me a few times since she's been out, and I gave her a gift for dgs (something she recommended that he likes when I asked), and so I'm hoping that things will at least progress in a positive manner. Fingers crossed. It's a delicate balance, as while I'm happy to be in contact with her and dgs, I'm not going to allow her to treat her younger siblings (that still live at home with me) poorly like she did before. She was friendly and polite to dc3 when we went to visit her in hospital (dc2 was in school), so hopefully she is rethinking things.

It's early days and in no way "reconciliation" type thing, but at least there's been some communication.

I hope your son and dil don't read gransnet. It's always worth remembering that family members or close friends would spot any one of us fairly easily.

I think Steve was so sorry he upset me smileless and wendysue, just I was low anyway and it didn't help?Never mind he sorted. My iPad don't ask but twiddled about managed to reinstall stuff to save memory and get updates, bless.

The cuddles I got when he upset me did help. He also desperately wants us to move nearer they both feel it will help us to move further from Tor and near to them.

We will consider it as I guess I need ditch the stairs with my knees.?
Trouble is we have such good friends here and social life,
I adore Steve but jury is out on his partner as she went to absolute minimum effort all Xmas, Steve did all work and cooking she said she was doing it all but then admitted all came out of packets again and not even hot, it was worst Xmas lunch ever. Sorry that sounds so ungrateful, butnshenwas at gymn and spa Xmas eve, room a d en suite had t been cleans wet towel over radiator which wasnt on we were so cold.

Steve did Cooked breakfast for us today and went bought me flowers to take home bless him. He seems blind to how lazy his partner is?!
She had feet up on her iPhone most time.
Today tor godparents were going for lunch we mad exit before they arrived I miss my son Already but hard to know how she could make so little effort?
Sorry it makes us sound so ungrateful but is 200 mile drive and I am in shock over knees diagnosis.

Happy Boxing day everyone. Clearly Steve's expressing his concern because he loves his mum Celeb and well let's be honest, men aren't always the most tactful especially sons with mums. Just enjoy all the good food and drink that this time of the year brings and worry about other things in the New Year.

So pleased you had a good evening with friends Rhinestone and what good advice for yourself and all of us; we do need to take positive steps, however small or even positive thoughts to brighten our days. Have a great time in Florida, I hope you'll be able to keep in touch with us all while you're away.

Oh yes Wendysue, if I could bottle that cuddle, the emotion it stirred and just the scent of my lovely boy, I would, and take it home with me. We've been here almost a week now and have another 2 more to enjoy. I find myself just staring at him.

We went to their friends yesterday for Christmas dinner/bbq and had a great time. His parents were there and his mum is quite an accomplished artist so I took great pride and joy in her reactions as DS was showing her some of his own work. He's simply brilliant and I'm sooo proud of him.

I thought of you yesterday Yogagirl and your beautiful GD's first Christmas and the mixture of shear joy and loss you would have been feeling.

Well another Christmas day dealt with. We got through it, we made it so as it's 1.00pm here in Oz I'm raising ato you all, my dear friends to toast your friendship and support but most of all your courage for getting through one of the hardest days' of the year.

Oh celebran, I'm so sorry Steve made you cry! I suppose he's just concerned, but Xmas isn't the time to bring up sensitive issues, no matter how concerned we are. I hope the rest of the visit goes more smoothly.

Yoga, I can't get over how cruelly your SIL cut you off! It sounds as if it was in the middle of an argument, too (am I wrong?), so I know tempers were heated. But I don't think that's a good time to make lasting decisions. What a foolish young man! And how sad that EstD goes along with this!

I think you hit something when you mentioned that she's FIL's GD though.This is just off the top of my head, but I bet that, at first, he thought he would talk to her and SIL and get them to make up with you and DH. Then when he saw he couldn't, I imagine he figured he would have to go along with them if he didn't want to lose GD. Bet he never dreamed he would get cut out, anyway.

I'm glad you're reconciled with him now, at least, and that all of you had a good time together.

Smiless, I'm happy to hear you're enjoying your time in Oz! I thought you would. Sorry about DH's getting bitten but glad he's doing better. Meanwhile, that first hug sounds awesome! I bet you wished it could go on "forever!"

I don't recall, how long did you say you're there for?

Here's hoping the rest of the visit continues to go well!

Merry Xmas All!!!
Got through last night with a dinner with some friends at a restaurant. It was nice and I even laughed. Today will be okay as I will start my packing for Florida. Well at least my sandals anyways.
Been warmer winter than usual so that's a good thing.
Hope you all have a nice day. I have learned that sometimes I have to take it upon myself to make some small positive way to make my day brighter. Can't rely on Santa or even DH. So today I will do one tiny thing that makes me happy. ( even if it involves chocolate)sending hugs and and to all!!

Merry Xmas smilless bet you warmer than us they do t see pm have heating on here!

Was great see Steve but difficult I drive and rather spoilt as he launched Into me needing lose weigh for my knee I just burst into tears.

Not ideal way start Xmas. I do try I really do with my acquacise etc and a s o worried about. My knees myself and Steve is quite large himself!

It's 8.15 am here in Oz and so our Christmas day has begun while you're all probably in bed. There's a lot for me to catch up on on the thread, which of course I'll do but probably not today.

But for now dear friends, I just want to wish you all a Happy and Peaceful Christmas.

Love and hugs for you all.

BP last checked monday 132/68..have BP monitor as I have white coat syndrome....looking forward have birthday next week on 29th and going to a matinee of wind in the willows in a local theatre with WI