Am at my wit's end with my son and DIL

SBH. Do you think that she loves your son? It sounds like she does?

SBHGoldenmom13:
You say your son was crying about the situation, it sounds tough for him too. You also say you are happily married. Try to step back, concentrate on your own happy relationship for a while and give your poor son some room to breathe. They have 3 very young children which bring joy but also tension and sheer weariness at times.
Try to stay cool, expect nothing and keep channels of communication open. You may be surprised. People change as do situations, we never know what is around the corner. Don't burn any boats!
Just a final thought - being 'second best' means you don't need to strive to be 'best' at everything. I'm sure you have plenty to offer your little grandchildren and they will gradually come to realise this!

Elrel..you are a wise person. I think for now I will take your advice, because it cannot hurt. But I don't want to be seen by my DIL as submissive and passive...what do I do when she blatantly chooses not to let us see our grand children alone (meaning without her parents or other family members around) she finds an excuse any time we want to take them anywhere. How do I handle that?

elrel is right - I too was shocked to read that your son was in tears when discussing it with you. That cannot be right. Stop discussing it is what I think! You cannot have him in this situation.

Leave it be; enjoy each other's company and drop the subject with your son.

You ask how to handle it, and I say go with her rules. I know they grate and get right under your skin, but you cannot change her and should not even try. Enjoy the contact you do have, and let the rest wash by. I am not suggesting that this is easy, but only that it might be the right thing to do.

You need to remember what it was like to be a daughter-in-law, not always easy, for me anyway.Also, some dil's are needy with their DH and feel overpowered by the time your son has lived with you and what I influence you exert on him.In short, they are jealous, and need to put you out of the picture a bit.In time, if you can remain pleasant and friendly with them and show that you are no threat to the marriage, then things can improve.
It's not a contest with the other Grandparents, allow them to spend money on the DGC, and you buy small quirky gifts from time to time for them, but most of all show them you love them.This is such a common thing, when a son marries, that we have nearly all had some experience of it, but unless the woman is an out and out horror, then it will get better in time.Least said , soonest mended.