need a rant

girls and a nice big if that helps!
While I would not wish misfortune on anybody it is nevertheless comforting and reassuring to know that others are in the same or a similar boat and that boat is not necessarily a luxury liner! I know too many people who have been very fortunate both with their pension provision and their health, so sometimes I find myself smiling through gritted teeth when I hear about yet another trek in Nepal, walking holiday in Switzerland, Danube cruise, long weekend in Paris, renovation of the gite in France etc etc. Not sour grapes, truly, just a little bit of me says chance would be a fine thing "That must be nice!!"

Anyway, life could be a lot worse and Sod's Law says it probably will be!

Sparkygran
I can understand where you are coming from as well. OH has the classic signs of Aspergers. As if that did not make things difficult enough he had a benign brain tumor removed five years ago and that surgery has left him with other difficulties in behaviour. Nothing spectacular, but for me it is increasingly wearing and I often don't feel or act very charitably. If I tried to be helpful it's seen as being patronising. It does not help one bit that he will not acknowledge having any difficulties as far as he is concerned is that any problems are everyone elses fault.

So a virtual group hug to all of us who are experiencing this. (((hugs)))

Not a bad person sparky. My DH was treated for prostate cancer last year. For 10 months our lives were a bit of a nightmare. During this time I tried very hard not to get cross with him over anything at all. He was marvellous throughout his treatment, never complaining at all but
obviously having been married for 46 years, there were times when I wanted to scream at him for something or other but I held my tongue as he was going through the mill. Well if you are a bad person then I am too!

I really do think we should start a Bad People's Club just to keep everyone's spirits up! Hang on in there ladies!

I'd like to give a huge cheer for all of you coping with being carers.

I think the difficulties must come because caring is what we do naturally and when our OHs need more care it will mostly be incremental and just a bit more of what we do. And, presumably, that is why loopy says that it takes 10 years to realise.

Anyone who needs to off load should do so on here because we know none of you are bad people and feeling guilty is something else we are good at - gransnetters are generally not judgmental. I've seen that with the support I have when I talk about my Mum and about the Idiot.

So, strop, moan, stamp, swear and shout - the rest of us are on your side.

Just another thought - are you all getting the benefits and other support you need. I assume you are but please do check. I know money isn't everything but it might buy some extra help if you can get any extra. As always, AgeUk is the place to start!

I'd be hopeless at doing what you all do and I really do admire you.

numberplease he is probably depressed and fearful. A little may be down to having got into a habit. You are going to have to tell him in a kind way that you need a bit more help from him.

We are nowhere near as bad as any of you, but DBH has been at home now for four months with depression, he has been trying all sorts of medications and some of them have made him physically sick and ill, also he has slept for much of each day. I have been ill too, so have been very tired, but at least my brain still functions better than his. The stress and strain has been huge, financial worries are starting to rise, and I have also found it very hard to have to spend so much time with him, much as I love him. I am really looking forward to a trip away in a couple of weeks' time, when he will be abandoned in our hotel on his own one night (there will be friends of his there) while I go out for a meal and a girl's night out sleepover with friends in that town. If you don't grab the odd break while you can, you will be ill eventually, too.

Depression is a particularly difficult problem for carers to deal with - I hope you enjoy your break janer.

Our own depression is also a problem.I try always to stay upbeat but it isn't easy,my 20mgs of Citalopram daily helps and my GP is happy for me to stay on it.

I've just been horrid to DH and I have none of your problems dear Gransnetters . I am a horrid person please may I join? Very weepy here

We have all been there in better times so don't "beat yourself up" it is upsetting and unsettling though.

((hugs)) stansgran - but did he deserve it?

Couples are always horrid to each other occasionally - don't beat yourself up. Life is too short and we have to accept that we are only human.

sparkygran are you quite sure your DH couldn't manage the clearing up after dinner sometimes? If the stroke was 22 months ago, and he is recovering well....

Don't mean to speak out of turn. It was just a thought.

i have to say,,i know its hard looking after the other half,but what ever happened to in sickness and health.if its seen as a burden,then it will be,gee whiz,,,,,i love ya as long as your healthy..that isnt love,i look after my wife,its not a burden,,unless i make it one,,,the other gets sick,and where is the focus of our attention,,,on the self,,,,and thats what makes it such a burden,caring aint easy,thats what love is all about,,,,i love you,,,just dont get sick,,

That is harsh Mikey. Are you speaking from experience?

We are carrying out our vows Mikey I haven't been aware of anyone on here saying they are not. We are however , saying it is not easy. It is in some cases very draining for the carer but they do it , and the fact that they come on here occasionally for a rant AND a bit of moral support from virtual friends means that they do not burden their families and their nearest and dearest with their worries and problems.

Exactly ann. No-one is suggesting that they are not willing to do what is needed, but simply that at times it gets on top of you and here are some nice supportive grans to prop you up.

Quite! Very harsh Mikey!

Are you really "always" cheerful about looking after your wife, Mikey? every moment of every day, even if it has been a hard slog and you have been enable to do anything of your own for a long long time, and your wife has been not only sick but difficult and ungrateful , and you have no-one that you can ask for help or unburden yourself to?

If so, you are a saint and will get your reward in heaven, but support from others can make all the difference to a harrassed carer. Don't condemn anyone for having a bit of a rant occasionally.

unable, not enable.

Just to be an old grouch Mikey, but I didn`t make those vows anyway, we were wed in a registry office!

well,,put it this way..would we complain,if it was our child who got sick,would we complain if it were .us.who got sick.i dont think so,,caring is a burden,if you make it one,,,if it were not so,,there would be no doctors or nurses,,and i say it again,,the focus must not be on the self,imagine lying in bed with cancer,and dying,,only to hear the carer,tell how exhausted they are,,,really is no excuse for that,no matter how we dress it up,and i have looked after my stroke victim wife for 21 years,shes no more a burden,than when my kids got sick,,if i become the focus of my attention,,i couldnt do what i do,,this much i know to be true

we live in a time where the truth will never see the light of day,where the self,is the priority,,how is it possible to tier of loving someone,to complain,to rant,,is not to love,,if we would die for a loved one,,then just caring should be second nature,,and no burden,if the love is authentic,i say these things not to judge.or criticise another, but rather .just to show how our society is changing,how we have changed,we are constantly told,how exhausting it is to care for somone,,and we beleive it,,shame on us

mikey you have written very eloquently and my heart goes out to you. Your wife is one very lucky lady to have you!
But please don't think the worse of those of us who have taken the chance to get it "off our chest" here, perhaps in the same way that we love our children but it didn't at the time stop exasperation at the broken nights/teething babies/ squabbling siblings/untidy teenagers. Sharing feelings here is what enables those of us in this position to not let on to the loved one that yes, it can be a strain and often not easy. Sharing (especially anonymously) can be what some of us need to help to keep smiling and, as my late Dad used to say, "KBO" (keep bu**ering on!) Nobody's perfect!!