need a rant

Mikey - you are obviously quite unusual. Good for you being able to cope so well. What a saint.

Just accept that others are not like you - they are doing their very best with their loved ones, and the ability to very occasionally "let off steam" here, helps them continue to do so. It doesn't mean they love the person any the less.

I remember when as a young Mum, I absolutely adored my babies, but sometimes it all got on top of me, and I was able to let it all out to a friend. It helped me carry on happily and be a good Mum.

You have no right to judge them.

if i say..oh poor you,,,you a right to feel this way,,you need a break,,,this is hard on you,,,,how,,,does that help,,,how does that change the heart and mind,,and the life,,,,,it changes nothing,,empathy is an easy gift to bestow,,confirmation of how we are feeling,is not helpfull,,nor is the reflection it shows us,,and before long,,we are yet again feeling the same feeling of sadness,,and so it goes on,,,this is what the demand for compassion and empathy does,,i felt its better to end that cycle,,to change my heart and mind,,,and it works,,many will prefer the quick fix of empathy

Were you in the forces, mikey?

by agreeing with her,,how did you help,,how did you change her,,,how did you give her hope,,how did you teach her to live again,,,empathy teaches none of these lessons

your sanctimonious diatribe doesn't help either, sorry mikey. Nobody is disputing the reality of being the partner who needs to be cared for, we are just handing out some understanding to the carers. Not criticism.

what would you want..when you have toothache,,a dentist,,or some one to hold your hand,and tell you they understand your pain,,,does the dentist lack compassion because he tells you to stop eating sweets,,,old saying,,,when we have toothache and in pain,,who is it we are thinking about..this applys to any kind of pain

your use of ,,reality,,infers something to be denied,,to be avoided,,,to face up to if forced,,and i would say that is typical

It teaches her that she is not alone, that she is not a monster who hates the person she is caring for, that she doesn't need to despair and commit suicide because she is not perfect, that she will feel better in the morning and be able to get on with it.

Telling her to shut up and keep her nose to the grindstone or she is a terrible selfish, weak woman awho should be ashamed of being tired and dispirited and wanting a moment to something for herslef occasionally will make her hate herself and go and crawl into a corner with a bottle of pills, leaving her husband to the care of a stranger.

But you know that, of course.

Mikey I have come to the conclusion that you are a fraud. If you REALLY cared so deeply for your wife, you would have the ability to have some compassion on other people. I suspect that you don't even have a wife, that you are having a laugh at how you are winding up these soft-hearted old women. I won't join in with this any longer. If anyone else wants to argue with you, that is up to them, but I shall post no more about it.

there is only one way,,and its your way,,,you taught her ,how to survive for one more day,,,to hang in there,,,but you taught her nothing about how to change her life,,nothing..and so it will continue,,the burden we carry.is only as heavy as we think it is,,you confirmed its weight,,thats all,,thats what empathy alone does,

a change in mind,,and heart,,then empathy and compassion,,,not before..

And I suppose absolution is only bought by confession and penance, and having been through purgatory the scourged and cleansed soul is returned without sin to work unceasingly.

I do hope you are a fake, Mikey The alternative is too awful to contemplate.

To the OP and all other genuine posters on this thread, I am sorry that it has degenerated into a bit of a mess, courtesy of one thoughtless and insensitive person. Stiff upper lip to the nth degree! - I thought we had all grown out of that!

Caring can be hard, and there are people here who understand that and sympathise - which is a healthy and helpful thing to do. Denial is unhealthy. If this poster is genuine then he is in denial.

To all of you carers I send lots of good wishes and

we run a small group..for carers,,,,the model we use is,,we are not carers,we are husbands and wifes,who care for each other,healthy or sick,,we dont want the label,,carer,,thats what a nurse is doctor,,not us,,if we take on the label of carer,,with all that implys,we know from bitter experience where that goes,,of course to sugest any other approach is to be called insensitive,empathy on its own,,does not work,to say,,exhaustion and depression are inevetable,,is nonsense,you think holding someones hand,and telling them what they want to hear,,,really helps,,it does not,,when we started group,,we had 12 people come,,,now we have 53,,,there were those who had come for empathy only,,it was the only relief they got,,,but they learned,,,heart mind body empathy,,in that order,,and the model works..you folks give empathy..and nothing else,,you attack what you dont understand,the puzzle choice you have,,do you want a doctor to care for you,,or heal you,,choose,,,empathy has its place,,but at the right time

i remember a doctor who found a cure for a deadly genetic illness,,,a lot of the deniers ,,and there were many,,,were the parents of some of these kids,,they said it wont work,,it cant,,stop trying,,,but it did work,,it was the cure,,can you guess what motivated the parents to object,, the answer is to be found in here,if you look closely enough

Phew!

Well that tells us!! We've been doing it wrong all this time,I give up.

mikey I have no idea what you mean by your last post or indeed what it has to do with anything.
I am so this thread has degenerated into such unpleasantness.

Unfortunately these posts make no sense whatsoever - not helpful really.

Mikey345 I am sorry but I am finding your posts near impossible to follow.
I would like to see what you are saying, but for the sake of my dyslexic leanings would you mind missing out all the commas and writing in sentences with proper spacings, and capital letters where they should be.

The lack of spacing makes my eyes boggle.
I really cannot cope with reading large blocks of text and without the clues of capitals etc.

As you may see I tend to use wide paragraph spacings in most of my posts.

Oops should read! "I really cannot cope with reading large blocks of text and without the clues of capitals etc I find it very difficult. "

I think what it tells all you carers is that you have got it right all along!

Thank goodness for that!

Anyway - DBH has been a real pain in the butt today, but I love him dearly. It doesn't stop me wishing things were different.

Sorry I just cannot believe in Mikey. Far too sanctimonious and fond of ellipses to be true. I know OP to be an exceptionally caring and genuine person. Suspect Mikey is neither.

Anyone who doesn't need a little weep, or wishes for a holiday, or just a break for an hour or two, must be a saint. At least when you have a baby you know they are going to grow out of that phase.

There was a previous poster who also used commas between words and no capitals and paragraph. Almost the same pattern of writing.
I wonder.