Daughter-in-Law possible breakdown - what to do

Exceot in this case, the sil seems to be crying out to his mum for help in some way.

Soontobe, " least said, soonest mended" is wise counsel.
Nobody welcomes an interfering MIL and OP might be best keeping her opinions to GN where she can offload, instead of risking a family brouhaha.

The op says that there is otehr stuff she doesnt want to put on the internet that point towards depression.
I dont think we all on gransnet can say one way or another on that one.

Agree with Luckygirl and others. Do nothing, smile, say how nice she is, praise her good qualities as a good wife and mother, but unless you are a doctor or psychiatrist I would hesitate to diagnose Depression. And stop apologising and making a big deal out of it.
She is different to you, that's all.

You always say do nothing Luckygirl!

If my MIL had shouted at me at a family event, I would have no desire to see her ever again!

Heck. What about forgiveness or understanding. Everyone makes a mistake once in a while.

If son asks questions about his wife, just say nice things. Don't get sucked into anything more.

Not necessarily. Sounds to me like the sil has genuine concerns about his wife, and is seeking some answers of some sort or another.

By the way, the OP says "what to do?" - the answer is do nothing.

If my MIL had shouted at me at a family event, I would have no desire to see her ever again!

If son asks questions about his wife, just say nice things. Don't get sucked into anything more.

I so agree with Kitty and Vampire queen . We are all different even from different families but when you put different cultures in it adds another dimension . I Agee so hard to accept these differences in families . Just keep supporting as much as you can try really hard to keep opinions to yourself and off load on Grans net !!!

Looking at it from the outside it is difficult to see how one might conclude that she is having a "breakdown." She doesn't get on with you is all that I can see. How does she get on with others? Just keep out of it - be sweetness and light when you are together and NEVER discuss her behind her back with your son - that way lies disaster.

She might not think you like her and is saying that to her husband, he is saying 'oh don't be silly of course they do' and he's trying to check he's right? Maybe?

What do you do differently? What does she do differently?

I don't think it's fair to label her depressed or pressure she's heading for a break down.

sounds to me as if the OP is depressed , step back and look at what is going on , does your OH get on with this woman ? does anyone else seem irritated by her ?

Sometimes it's very difficult to get on the people our children choose and sometimes those people seem to go out of their way to not get on with us.

I think the answer to, "What do you think of my wife?" is "I like her very much," even if that's a lie. We want our parents to approve of our choices. I know how it makes me feel when my mam totally ignores DH and when she told me outright that she didn't like him and he's not welcome in her house. I wouldn't want to make my DDs feel this way.

Families are all different. Some are very gregarious with millions of cousins and extended relations who they see on a regular basis. Others don't keep in touch as often. I come into the second sort. I keep in touch with DDs usually on WhatsApp although we do visit sometimes. DD1's partner's mother would drive me insane if I was DD1. She's there virtually everyday and turns up unannounced and unexpected. I asked DD1 if it bothered her. She said that it did but it was just how her partner's family are so she just accepts it.

I don't think you can suggest your DIL is depressed.

Another thought. Is he wanting your totally open opinion.
For what reason I dont know.

Good post loopy!

To me, the OP suggests that you don't approve of your DiP for whatever reason and the key seems to be to accept that she IS different. She is the choice of you son so you have to just accept her and make the best of it. It is hard, we've had one or two we would rather not have had in our family, but we have had to make the best of it or risk a rift!

I'm wondering why your son is asking what you think of his wife? Does he sense that you don't quite approve of her or like her? You response that she's good company does seem evasive to me, and you think she's stalling in response to your invitation.

Perhaps DDIL is very stressed and depressed but there's more to this than your post imo, and you say she been digging away at you so you lost it and shouted at her at a family event, although she felt she'd done nothing wrong.

I'm really rather , and perhaps you need to step back and reflect on the whole relationship before trying to move forward; could you meet your son and DDIL to try to establish just what the differences are and how to get around them rather than just trying to smooth things out by meeting for a meal?

Good luck OP

I dont know background to this.

Do you think your son is asking you from a medical point of view. And really just wants you to reply in that way?