Internet infidelity

Hello Mad,
If he had done this once, and it had perhaps been a one-night stand/moment of madness/drunken fling. I would have said this had mid-life crisis written all over it.

However..... the fact he went onto a website that specifically deals in extra-marital affairs means he must have been surfing the net deliberately looking. Where did he get the idea from?

You mention his credit card has taking a battering, well I do hope it is his credit card and not yours. I would in no way be funding my husbands infidelity to me and, if this is what is happening you will have to decide are you going to fund and tolerate this for the rest of your marriage, or indeed your life?

I think you have much to consider, sadly I think he wants out and is using this as a means to drive YOU out.The one piece of advice I will give you - DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. See a solicitor.

A note to madaboutbooks none of us here are YOU, and only you know how you really want to play this.It is easy to give advice on somebody else's marriage, we are not marriage counsellors, but good luck whichever waybit goes.

dear Madaboutbooks,

I feel your pain.

I won't go into detail but my husband had a 2 1/2 year affair some 30 years ago. We spilt up on and off over that period . I won't go into detail but there are a few things I'd like to share with you.

I always thought any infidelity would be cut and dried - he'd be gone. The truth of it wasn't like that all. I still loved him , I just hated him too! I didn't want to be a single parent etc.

So I pulled myself together , got the first of what would be 3 degrees and made a life for my girls and myself. He did come back, because I allowed it, it wasn't his choice! We worked through it - and it was tough - but it's just been our 39th wedding anniversary . And we're good.

For that to work though , you both have to want it and your husband doesn't sound like he wants it enough.

It also sounds like he has too much free time to get into mischief. That's just an observation not an excuse.

But you're his wife not his keeper , if he wants to cheat he will.

So this isn't about him at all.... It's about you . Take your time to work out what you want. Get your affairs in order. Get your pension paid into your own account. If he complains explain, you're protecting yourself. It's his CHOICE that's got him in this position and no sane woman would be funding his route to infidelity.

My husband got a shock when he realised his safety net had a hole in it :-)

Take whatever time you need but don't let him guilt trip you into thinking this is your fault . I think every unfaithful man in the world uses that one. And it's not !! He's a grown up, he's made his choices , seems like a little bit of reality won't go amiss.

I wish you a happy future whether you stay or go , just let it be your choice not his.

It so easy to say 'just divorce him' but would your quality of life, house, companionship etc., be better without him? I know people don't change and you can't trust him, but can you put that part of him in a separate compartment, and just enjoy the bits that are O.K?

Sometimes it a case of throwing the baby out with the bath water. Ultimately, it's only you who can decide , I wish you best luck xxx

Nanaandgranpy- what a great, honest and helpful post

As someone that has gone through this exact same thing. I did same the as you gave him chances and believe me he will never stop. Why would he when you KEEP forgiving him. All my friends and family kept supporting me,and I let him off every time with the promise it wouldn't happen again. But of course it did.Remind yourself HE put himself on this website, by doing that he was making himself available and being deceitful to your marriage.Whether he's bored, or humiliated by your education or whatever other excuse you may think of, he should have spoke to you not turned away from you and looked for his kicks else where. I was with mine 14 years I finally threw him out after the 3rd time of catching him out. He's done nothing but pursue me tried to woo me, plead with me etc etc for the last 8 months. He's admitted he never believed I would throw him out or worse still not take him back after a few weeks once I calmed down. Best thing I ever did, I love my life,I do what I want,when I want. I've written my self a list of things I want to do and places I want to go to. Please don't let him keep doing this to you. Now he knows how easy it is to set up meets with these loose women he won't be able to resist the temptation.Good luck

Get whatever money in the joint account is yours out of it, contact your pension provider and have your pension put into your own account, then tell him to leave!
I know this sounds harsh, but he doesn't appear to want you, so why on earth would you want him?

I felt very sad to hear this as my ex did exactly the same. When I asked him why he felt the need to meet other women from the online chat rooms his reply was 'he was bored and could be someone else when online' . I forgave him the fist time and 2 years later he 'Met' someone else........ That was 13 years ago and yes I missed him but my children were 12 and 14 at the time and were unhappy that their mum and dad were not! His parents did not speak to him for months..... It is an awful feeling when your marriage 'falls apart" but I know I deserved to have a husband I could trust and I didn't. He left his job and family made himself bankrupt all for a fling and I believe he regretted what he did after he married her as he was not 'allowed' to visit his children unless they went to him!

I became a grandma 7 and 3 years ago and he has seen his grandchildren only twice and the woman he left me for threw him out after 3 years as he started to repeat his behaviour of 'chatting' online and he left her for another he met online.... Present day he lives in a room in his 'friends house' and now talks with our children (adults now) on face book!!!!
I truly believe a 'leopard never changes its spots'

Madaboutbooks, you deserve so much better. He's had so many chances and thrown them all away. You will be entitled to half the house and half his pension. Go for it and good luck!

Been there, never looked back!

Wow, what a lot of responses - thank you all! Thanks also to those who've sent me personal messages and given links to organisations, etc. that can help.

The new house will be ready a week before Xmas, so I'm going to get the move over and done with first. Then I'm going to sit him down and make him discuss things with me. So far he has avoided the issue - says that he's done what he's done, so can't go back. I have made the decision not to have him in my life any longer than I have to as I don't want or need to spend my days wondering what he's up to. I'm an intelligent woman with lots of ability and earning power. I have family who I know will support me, and good friends. He has no family to speak of and hardly any friends. Tough!

Tell him that he is right, he can't go back and neither can you, so you will both have to go forward - but separately.

Please go and see a solicitor first before you have "the talk" so that you are 100% certain where you stand financially. He is a total rat but will regret his actions when it is too late- tough.

Good luck Madaboutbooks
If it happened to me there wouldn't be a second chance; I wouldn't have any intention of being the 'default option' or 'second best' or 'make do'.

In my opinion it would be utterly demeaning staying with a man who clearly has no respect for you; makes me feel quite sick actually.

Lots of good advice and sensible comments from posters Madaboutbooks. I don't really have much to add but please do protect yourself. Know exactly what you have and how you can get at it. When you stand on firm ground you can make practical decisions for the right reasons. Self respect and self preservation will more than likely prevale. Good luck.

Prevail!

Based on my experience do everything to protect yourself - there is always the possibility that he could turn nasty (or engage a solicitor who is) and you may have a fight on your hands over assets. Divorce is horrid, as bad or even worse than a bereavement and there may be very hard and lonely periods. Been there, done it, it was awful but worth it even after 25 yrs. New relationships do happen and I have no regrets now and am very happy. Best thing, our adult children say we're both much nicer people apart!

Unfortunately your husband is a weak and selfish man who cannot control his recidivism. Four instances of infidelity point out a inability (and unwillingness?) on his part to change so I think that, sadly, the relationship is already over unless you can bring yourself to share him with other women and, indirectly, fund his betrayal which is what you are doing.

The question then becomes one of money. You are working and he is living on a pension. By paying your pension into a joint bills' fund you are allowing him to free up cash to spend on a website to betray you so I advise you to start paying your pension into your sole account and then to pay half the bills only as they arise.

Also, it sounds as if your husband is unlikely to be able to live his lifestyle without recourse to credit. If he is in debt he is unlikely to be able to afford to divorce without wanting assets from your house. It is, therefore, important for you to investigate his financial position. Have a look at the credit card bills and his bank account for a start to enable yourself to proceed on an informed basis. I must stress here that I would not ordinarily advise any betrayal of trust between two people but here it is defensive. If he owes thousands it will affect his attitude when you part.

Take legal advice as to whether he might count as your dependent as you might end up having to share your income and pension with him. If this is the case it is possible that divorce is not advisable, given the massive costs of a contested divorce anyway.

Good luck.

Oh my, I feel for you!
I can only tell you what I would do and that is run and don't look back. It is true what they say about a leopard never changing its spots. He has absolutely no respect for you and wants to have his cake and eat it. ie. bits on the side and a nice secure wife at home. It's a difficult choice due to your long term marriage, but once you have made the decision the first step is taken and you will come out of the other end wondering why you stayed so long.!
I wish you well xxx

This is recurrent infidelity! I'm hoping you can come out stronger and with more self-respect. I was in a similar situation with a husband who wanted to join the "Swinging Scene" and was also using an accommodation address to contact other women - said he wasn't looking for more than friendship, but didn't want me to do anything with other men. (There were other issues in the marriage and even friends in the Vatican and in the religious life pointed out that they would be happy to support me in going for an annulment on the basis that he never had any intention in keeping his wedding vows). Eventually I did leave him, found someone else and 34 years later am still happily married. Wish you a happy future!

Well, I took legal advice and it transpires that the first step in such a long marriage would be to divide all assets and pensions equally and would more than likely mean selling the new home so as to provide a separate place for each of us to live in. Given the stress of the last few months especially, while we have been staying in temporary accommodation, there is NO way I'm even going to think about selling up and moving yet again! So, armed with the solicitor's information, I am going to make a list of how I want things to change, and then sit the husband down and go through it. There will be things on it that he won't like - well, he's done plenty that I don't like, so it's tough. I am also going to start making new friends and developing my interests in the new place, and generally having a life of my own. I've been offered a few contracts which should see me through most of next year, so I don't fear for the financial side of things. Thanks again to all those who gave advice. I feel quite strong going into 2016.

Well done, Mab.
Make decisions that suit you, and don't let him mess you around any more.

Please think about having your own bank accounts.
And dare I say it.......a 'running away fund'. A just in case security net that only you know about.

Don't worry, Coolgran65, I already have my own account to which he has NO access and I've now told him that when we move (only 10 days to go) we shall be sitting down and having a complete rehaul of the joint account - ie paying only for joint expenses and the rest separate.

Mad... you are sounding positive....
I can feel myself cheering that you are going to sort this out your way.

Good luck Mad- with everything.