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Internet infidelity

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Madaboutbooks Fri 04-Dec-15 13:01:12

I'd really appreciate some advice as I'm in a dilemma.

In 2013, my husband met someone through an online dating site for married people looking for an affair. This was just a couple of days before our 24th wedding anniversary and I found out quite by chance while working at home one day and wondering why his iPad kept beeping (messages from her, as it turned out). I confronted him, he promised never to do it again and to end it with the woman. He had met her about 3 times and they'd gone to a hotel room for the afternoon on those occasions. She wasn't happy when he ended it, tried to convince him to leave me, etc. Anyway, it ended. We went to a couple of counselling sessions, but he didn't really want to face up to things and reckoned the counsellor was on my 'side'.

Roll forward a few months and he was at it again. This time he met someone for coffee, but apparently they decided they weren't compatible, so nothing more happened. I found out this time because of changes in his behaviour.

He has now done this a total of 4 times (that I know of), the most recent occasion being a couple of months ago. We were in temporary accommodation at the time, waiting to move house, so I wasn't in a position to take any real action. This time, communication with the woman was via WhatsApp. Again, changes in his behaviour made me suspicious, so I checked his mobile phone and my suspicions were confirmed. Once again, a promise never to use the website again. Incidentally, this site costs a lot of money for men who sign up, but is free for women, so his credit card has taken a battering over the last few years - what a waste of money.

We are moving into our new home (in a different county) in a couple of weeks. My dilemma is: what on earth do I do? Just leave him to it and make a new life for myself? I earn quite good money (he's retired) but after all the expense of the new house I can't afford to live elsewhere. He reckons he's going to change and start some new hobbies, etc. and that he wants to make things work with me.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

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ShowerGel Wed 09-Dec-15 17:03:16

I am sorry Madaboutbooks, but aren't you just going to prolong the inevitable?
You might be saying to him that 'things are going to different around here' but unless he actually buys into it and start respecting you then it isn't going to change things.
Are you, for example, going to be sharing a bed in the new house or having separate bedrooms? (You don't have to answer that btw.)
If you are going to get on with your life, make new friends, etc.etc. won't he just see that as yet another excuse for finding time with a.n. other?
As mentioned upthread, you are still 'rewarding' him for his behaviour by staying with him.
Only a separation from you will make him realise what he is jepordising, and that may take some months for him to appreciate.
Move into the house by all means but he doesn't have to.

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rosesarered Wed 09-Dec-15 19:15:16

Unless couples are very wealthy, you can't just say 'leave' as where will that person live? the house belongs to both of them after all.Changing a few things, and separate finances is a good start.So is developing outside interests.

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annsixty Wed 09-Dec-15 20:04:22

So agree roses , they can live separate lives under the same roof if she dictates the rules. Far easier in the short term than dividing assets when she may lose out.

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ShowerGel Thu 10-Dec-15 09:49:02

I think you always lose assets when you divide them up. The psychological pain is something else.
I can understand both parties wanting to keep a roof over their heads.
I also note that he wants to make it work too, so perhaps that is a positive note.
I am informed that men are attracted to women who live their lives to the full, that may have been the initial attraction, and that they are like rubber bands i.e. they bounce back again.
Not sure of all the truth of it (it's amazing what you read on the internet) but perhaps it is worth bearing in mind.
Stay strong Madabout... , it may help to write down your terms on several post-its and keep them where you might see them on a regular basis, like your underwear drawer, your diary, etc. then you can check on if the boundaries are being crossed.
Best wishes to you (and the house move, such a stressful event in itself).

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