xmas and granparents

grabba, daughter is going out on boxing day to see other grand-parents- and THEN wants to have a bit of time left over to relax, and not visit or be visited, by other set of grand-parents they spent the day with the day before. I say, fair enough- really.

The trouble is, AnnieG, we all know that there is no such thing as a five-minute visit over the festive period. I really think you are placing far too much emphasis on your own feelings, and on the occasion. There are 363 other days in the year for you to enjoy your daughter's and her family's company, please don't spoil Christmas for them and you by being too demanding. I've been in your daughter's position, lived 100 miles away from both families, who lived only a couple of miles apart. When my son was 9 weeks old, we travelled to stay with them for Christmas, and in an effort to keep everyone happy, spent half the time travelling between the two houses, packing and unpacking the baby and all his gear. "Never again", said I, and didn't. After that, we stayed in our own home and visited at some point just before or after Christmas for a couple of days. Now I'm a granny and my son, d-i-l and granddaughter live in Germany, so the most I can hope for is a phone call or Skype. I was invited to stay with them, but am not up to the journey in winter. I will eventually be going to live near them, but for now, I intend to enjoy my Christmas home alone (no husband or other children) and to be grateful that they love me enough to want me over there with them. I wish you and your husband, and everyone here, a very happy Christmas, but even more importantly, a very happy life! Learn to let go, love. That way, you'll all enjoy it so much more. xx

Oh my word Christmas seems to cause so many disagreements . Our children all work hard ( I think far harder than we ever did - and I was a nurse ! ) they deserve time to relax and be with their own children .Yesterday we had a chaotic lunch birthday party for my mother 93, my BiL ,58 and my brother 62 .. 17 in all with tiny kiddies, teenagers and real oldies . I was shattered ,but happy. It wasn't Christmas but just as fun . Christmas is only two days and not the only time for families to get together .

We are driving 600+ miles to come over to visit DDs over the Christmas period. DD2 is having Xmas with his parents up North- so we will see them between Boxing day and New Year for 3 days. DD1 and her DH are having a really really busy and stressful time for the end of year- so we have offered to let them have Christmas just chilling on their own with GCs- and to go over New Year and babysit if they want to go out.

I used to have to host my lovely parents for 2 weeks every Christmas (due to distance) and as much as we all got on so well, it is stressful to have visitors for that long at Christmas- when kids can't play out much and we can't go out and visit Castles and gardens, etc. Decision to be made tonight- and we will totally respect their wishes. And if that means spending Christmas on our own- that will be fine too.

I'm travelling down south to stay with DS2 and his family who are very relaxed about having me there. I'm occasionally allowed into the kitchen to give DS2 a hand, though his DS1, aged 10, is now enthusiastic about cooking so Granny might be redundant!

When DD and family lived locally they either had SiL parents staying from Germany or DD's family went to Germany to visit them. DD would bring DGC for an hour or so to open pressies then they would go home and have lunch with his parents. We were never invited, and we have never spent a whole Christmas day with them and had to make do with New Years day, this year we won't see them as they are living with their father.
Sorry but I find it hard to understand your insistence on Boxing. Day.
I think you are lucky, lots of grandparents on here never see their GC.

Enjoy Christmas day and don't allow thoughts of what they're doing on Boxing day spoil it for you and them.

We're are 2 of so many grandparents ninathenana mentioned, we never see our GS who will be 4 in January (he was 8 months old the last time we had contact with him) and don't even know what his baby brother, born 3 weeks ago today, even looks like; they live just 15 doors away. Our S and his wife have refused to have anything to do with us for more than 3 years.

We'll be spending Christmas and New Year in Aus. with our other S who suggested we go to ease the heartache this time of the year always brings and which is all the harder this year because of the new baby.

All we can do for our grandchildren is send them cards and hope that they don't get returned with hateful messages as has been the case in previous years.

You are lucky, sometimes it's easy to forget that we're lucky when what we are given is simply expected. I understand that you want to spend as much time with them as you can at this time of the year, I'm sure all grandparents do but you have many Christmases to come and next year you'll have another beautiful grandchild to celebrate with.

Try to resist the temptation to ask for more and enjoy what you're being given.

Enjoy your rest from children! You are loyal and will always be there and your family will enjoy seeing that it's not worth getting stressed over what you cannot control..

My old ma is 98, she doesn't mind being on her own, in fact on Christmas day it can be such a strain trying to get her to join us. She will come with my older brother but when she knows that she is spending Christmas with myself and my son's family she is such a great actress. With either an aching back, aching this or aching that.

Before my husband died, she was in bed on Christmas day with what she said was an aching back. So we went to spend Christmas with her. I sat on her bed while she kept saying how ill she felt. Then I decided to join my poor husband, who had been on his own most of the day in another room.

While I was with him in comes mum, walking quickly into the sitting room,
'So much for spending Christmas with your mother, you are supposed to be with me.' she remarked
So much for an aching back.
As this year my son has offered to have us all, I am dreading the thought of getting her to join us again.
Unfortunately, this is not old age as she has always been paranoid.
Does anyone else have difficulty with their very much older parents around Christmas?

Cath

You are very lucky Annieg, and I never thought I would ever have to make that comment on Gransnet! We have one grandchild and he will be spending from 23rd to 28th December at the other grandparents house. They host Xmas every year as they have commitments (caring for an elderly relative) and can't spend time away from the house. We are normally invited either for Xmas dinner or tea. This year we're not invited at all due to my daughter in laws insulting and spiteful behaviour towards us. She has cut herself off from us. Her parents are aware of if and although they are in 'cordial' contact with us, they are embarassed about the whole thing as DIL has not been in contact with us for months. They too have been on the receiving end of her nastiness so understand the situation. However, interestingly 'feelers' have been put out - via DS but obviously coming from DIL - regarding us picking DGC up when he starts nursery (other grandparents live some distance away but we are local) . How this will happen we have no idea, as we haven't been 'allowed' to buy a child car seat even though DH and I don't drink, smoke, and have held clean licences for over 40 years.
SO, be grateful!

Cor blimey, families!
In answer to the OP, be reasonable to your pregnant daughter and don't make waves.It can be a stressful time of year, and you are seeing everone on Christmas Day.

We always had all grandparents to us on Christmas Day - no argument as to where we were going and children had time to play with their toys without being whisked off. Boxing Day was spent on our own - we either played with the new toys or went out for a walk, depending on the weather. This arrangement seemed fair to everyone and always worked well.

doesn't quite work that way if there are several children for those grandparents though, does it?

Boxing Day is for chilling out, doing what you want to do. I think if your DD is spending Christmas Day catering for everyone she should be entitled to spend Boxing Day just as she pleases.
I hope everyone will do their bit to help her on Christmas Day too!
Does SIL's brother live further away and this is a chance for the other DP to get their family together for once?
We won't be seeing either of our DD, SIL or DGS at all over Christmas. Too far, too hot and they are much, much too busy. DGS will see his other GP and that's just the way it is and we understand that.

I would consider myself lucky to see grandchildren and daughter any time over Christmas! I live 200 miles from mine and drive for 5 hours to spend time with them

We are not seeing our daughters and grandchildren on Christmas day or Boxing day .We are seeing the youngest daughter on the day after Boxing day. Our eldest lives in Ireland and we were meant to go there . But I have had an op So I cannot fly .I think you are lucky to spend Christmas day with them .

This seems to be a problem for so many families. I don't have any answers, but friends, who see a lot of their children and grandchildren, throughout the year are quite happy for them to have their own holidays skiing or other activities at Christmas. We see a lot of our family and the other GPs are further away, so it's fine for them to have them for holidays where possible.

They have two weeks o Christmas.
Nice break yes but in the scheme of things soon filled as a family that are so busy in this day and age.
Ask friends round or find something to go out to. Most of all don't let DD feel in an impossible position.
It is one day. Welcome them at a later date when you can all relax.

Christmas and families iis only a problem if you see it that way. I have three sons and four grandchildren. I have carefully avoided problems by seeing Christmas as more than two days. I usually have a Christmas Day at mine on the Sunday before Christmas where they all come here and we do a proper Christmas Day. Then if I see any of them on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, that's a bonus. They all have busy lives, they like some peace and rest over the holiday and there are lots of others to consider as well as me.

This year for the first time in ages they have all decided to come to me on Christmas Day! I have 14 to cook for!!!! I have no idea what any of them are doing on Boxing Day.

Annieg, I think you are being selfish. You need to change your mindset and see Christmas differently. You are the problem. Sorry to be blunt but this is how it seems and I am a unbiased outsider with nothing to gain from saying what Imthink.

Annieg
I think you're not only being very unreasonable, I would say you're way out of order.

You're certainly not seeing this from your DD's perspective, it's all about you!

My DCs know their very welcome anytime and there are no expectations that they'll be here on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, it's lovely if they are but no big deal if not. I know we'll see them sometime over the holiday.

Yes, enjoy your Christmas with them and chill out in Boxing Day by yourselves. Don't spoil,Christmas for your pregnant daughter, who is going to the bother of cooking for your all in Christmas Day, by letting feelings of jealousy show.

Annie, I'm so sorry you're feeling left out as concerns Boxing Day. That hurts, I'm sure. And, in my opinion, you're entitled to your feelings. Reading some of the heartbreaking posts here, though, about GPs who are cut off from their GC, I think you'll realize how fortunate you are to be seeing DD's family on Xmas and to get so much other time with GS.

I understand that you're looking at this as, "The other GPs are getting more time than we are." But please consider that they may be looking at it as, "Annie gets so much time with GS. This is our chance to get some more time with him, too." Also, they may want the chance to get all their AC (adult children) and GC together, which isn't an issue in your case.

And then there's DD and her DH. They may see this the way her ILs do. Or DD may be thinking, "Ugh! A 2nd celebration and I'm pregnant! Ok, I'll go but after that, I need some down time!" So yes, you're asking for that "five minutes" may seem like way too much to her.

My point is there are a few different perspectives here, not just one. So please, as others have said, just enjoy Xmas and the other time you get with DD and GS. If you still want to see them some more over the holiday, ask them for another day. But please accept if DD declines and says she needs more time to just relax or whatever. While she's pregnant, especially, the focus needs to be on her and her needs.

I think you are so lucky to have such a caring daughter Annieg, you have a husband or partner with you Boxing Day so are not alone. She has included you in the most important day and you have regular contact anyway. So do not be hurt, just glad that you have a good family and will soon have a lovely new grandchild in your life.

annieg My dgcs live 50 miles away and near their other granny. I have never seen them on Christmas day.
DDs mother in law always has her daughter and children coming over from Holland, where they live and she sees far less of her other grandchildren than I see of mine. I think it is good for the cousins to be able to meet up.

When DD was working nursing shifts she has been working over night on Christmas eve or doing an early shift on Christmas day. They make it work and come over to us before or after Christmas depending on her work patterns. We have "Christmas day" Whenever they arrive. It does not matter.
That will be more difficult next year when she goes back to work from maternity leave.

This will be 5th Christmas that my son and I are denied all contact with my only grandson -(now 16)
Just a word from him anyday would be wonderful!!