Not cared for

Thankfully that isn't happening in my life but I really feel for those where this is the case, it must be heartbreaking.

I honestly don't think there's anything you can do sadly, but are there many children who really wouldn't care less? Surely there must be some feelings there, even if they remain unexpressed?

I think you just have to go on loving the adult child even if the love isn't returned in the hope that one day things will change.Not easy especially if it is an only child.

Dare I say it's a male thing.Men just don't bother like women do.

We;; its a too way street - if the child has felt unloved by the parent growing up they may well not care or perhaps care too much and are struggling with conflicting emotions - she said knowingly.

That was meant to be Well..... and a two way - my fingers are all over the show this morning - very stiff!

I guess they might react lovingly if you became very ill. Maybe some men just do not think. Sorry that some of you do not get much back from your sons when they become adults. Does anyone on here have sons who are in contact and show they care? I wonder if it is to do with the DILs and their approach to including the in-laws in family life.

I only had girls and they are all very kind and loving - we are thankful for this every day and realise that we are very lucky indeed. Their OHs are good chaps too - all very different, but just fine. Reading some of the threads on here makes me realise that we need to count our blessings. Nether of us are very fit, but we are surrounded by their love and concern.

It also brings home to me how disappointed my own parents must have been that I did not make contact or involve them as much as I know they would have wished. It was because they did not have a loving relationship (lots of sniping and backbiting) and I did not want my children exposed to too much of that - I had had more than my share as a child! But looking back I think I could have been a bit more flexible and thoughtful - both dead now so cannot redress this in any way. Regrets get us nowhere.

Mind you, my Mum and Dad were not kind to their own parents or parents-in-law, so maybe they reaped what they sowed! I was not unkind, just kept out of the way somewhat. On their own they were fine; but together they were toxic!

I think it's not always black and white.

I think that thread was about a son going to his in laws for Christmas. It's not that he doesn't care its just his in laws turn for Christmas. Saying that just piles on the guilt for him.

I was the one who sorted my MILs birthday presents, cards, flowers, Christmas, mothers day, kept her updated on the children and pregnancies etc. DH would 'forget'.... years down the line it all became clear why. It's not a simple case of 'not caring' sometimes and it's definitely a 'reap what you sow' in some people's cases.

She slates me to high end now, I wonder if she knew it was me who organised all the special events. She's not a nice person. Not because she's a MIL or a mother. It's just the way she is. Some people are not nice.

However. Some men just forget. My dads pretty on the ball though for my nan.

There's nothing you can do if your adult child no longer wants you to be a part of their lives. You have to find a way of living with the pain their rejection brings and live your life as best you can without them.

This will be our 3rd Christmas without our son and GC, the second who was born a month ago. Knowing the birth of our second GC would be very hard for us, they live just 15 doors down the road, our DS and lovely d.i.l. invited us to spend Christmas and the New Year with them in Aus. so we fly on Saturday to be with them.

Never one for remembering birthdays and sending cards, since our estrangement from his younger brother he's never failed to send cards and gifts. We skype virtually every week, sometimes for 2 or 3 hours at a time in fact, we talk with him more now that he's in Aus. than we did when he was just 4 miles away.

I don't know what we'd have done if the son we're estranged from was our only child or if his brother had rejected us too. Knowing that he loves us and hear him say how thankful his is for the way he was raised, goes some way to repairing the damage his brother's rejection of us has caused.

We certainly haven't reaped what we sewed with our ES but have been well and truly blessed with his brother.

I've had the 'you don't care' accusation flung at me this week so I may regret saying this but here goes.

Children aren't naturally uncaring, but circumstances can make it appear that way. And in my experience, it's not a case of not caring but a case of self-preservation. I know how hard it is for mothers to accept that the children they gave birth to eventually grow up and make new, adult relationships that draw their attention. If they are successful relationships the couple will have children and a new family is made. Other in-laws/grandparents become part of the mix. And I understand that it's bloody hard for a mother to accept that she's no longer queen bee nor the centre of her child's world - I'm also a mother and a grandmother and I've buried an adult son so I know what it's like to face pain of loss and changing family dynamics - mothers become grandmothers and have to move to the side.

Adult children have to juggle partnerships, parenthood, working relationships AND they need to find time for their other relationships, friendships and somewhere they need a bit of time for themselves. Apparently, I don't care enough despite 'never having disappointed her (her words), taking her to appointments, shopping, on holiday this year, dropping in between times and emailing (her choice) each and every day. If I mention seeing someone there's a sarcastic comment about seeing them more than her. If I say I've been somewhere I get the 'why didn't you tell me, I'd have come?' comment. I feel totally smothered.

I do care but I'm currently at the end of my tether and frankly it's annoying to have that cheap shot thrown at me when it's clear I do. So, perhaps those parents who think they haven't done anything to deserve being cut out of the lives of their adult children could take another look and ask themselves if perhaps they expected just a bit too much!

Yes, Luckygirl, I have an only son who is now in his thirties and we have always been very close. We text (mostly, as youngsters tend not to phone that much anymore) at least two or three times a week, we see each other as often as possible, go on holiday together most years, and generally really just enjoy each other's company.

And no, he is not some single unmarried mummy's boy, but a career police officer with a wife, two great kids and a third on the way, and my DIL is a lovely girl, we have not had a cross word in all the 10+ years we have known each other.

If I had to make suggestions on how to achieve this I would say, give advice when they ask for it, otherwise think your own thing but don't say it. Sure, they'll make mistakes and you might have done things differently with years of experience, but we were that age once and would not have appreciated our parents trying to run our adult lives. Oh, and have a life of your own, so you don't depend on them being the centre of everything.

I would not swap my son for a dozen daughters, I love him to bits and am totally proud of him and how he lives his life

Thank goodness for your elder son Smileless, it would be unbearable without him. You bought them up the same so perhaps one day your younger son will contact you, I hope so.
Mollie, you obviously care very much, do not know how you cope with all the demands on your time. You made very valid points about the balance of everything changing, it sounds as if your mom has you at the centre of her universe and has become demanding. You must feel like going on strike. Could you not tell your mom how she makes you feel sometimes, but know it is not that easy.Adult children juggle jobs, nearly all couples with families are both working, the little free time they have naturally is family time, but if they were needed they would be there. That is a lot different to those who have grown up children that never keep in touch to find out how their parents are, despite their siblings doing so.

I like your post mollie. I have never thought of myself as a 'queen bee' but I know quite a few mothers/grandmothers who still do. However, I have had a few issues with my DD in the past. She is our
only child and I felt that we were very close but over the last few years things have changed. I have felt that I have had to practically beg my own daughter for her occasional company. She has her own DD who is now a teenager and keeps her busy and she has lots of friends and a good social life. I totally understand that and have learned to step back and let her live her life. However she is my daughter and I miss how we used to be. I have been guilty of the 'you care about your friends more than you care about me' thing (when I was going through a very difficult time in my life) which is truly awful and I regret it. Fortunately we are still on good terms but I realise that she felt I was becoming as you say 'smothering'. I feel that your mother is lucky to have you, we rarely even go shopping together nowadays. I have stopped asking if she would like to as she usually has something else to do. I help her as much as I can in any way I can, as I have always done but have stopped
asking for her time. She is a good hard working person who has made a good life for herself and her family, despite some challenging times.

katyk, have to say that I give more time willingly when its my choice rather than out of obligation. I'm not being perverse but some requests/demands come just when its hard to manage. And I probably mean hard for me because I'm in desperate need for some private personal time. All I'm suggesting is that we look at both sides of a situation. There's usually some reasonable explanation.

mollie Yes I agree with you. I know I have been unreasonable in the past. I am trying hard not to be. I felt hurt and side-lined but have had to realise that it's not all about me. I feel that DD and me will get along better now that I have taken a step back.

I'm sure there have been times when we've all 'expected just a bit too much' mollie from our own parents, siblings, partners, children and friends but that's no justification for being totally cut out of someone's life.

We've lost our son and our grandchildren, and our son who has cut us out cannot give us a reasonable explanation because there isn't one.

Thank you Luckylegsit would be unbearable without our DS, one another, family and friends and the support that can be found on here.

Well, I'm here to say that I did cut my mother totally out of my life for seven months a few years ago. The space helped me. It was necessary, the only way to get some understanding. Right now I wish I'd never repaired the breach. The constant demands and sniping and histrionics are too much. Smileless, can you honestly say you have not played a part somewhere?

In response to the OP I had a rather sad encounter today. Click here to read my earlier post at 15-Dec-15 13:37:31 for the background.
I visited the lady who had been my 'wrong number' and found that her son was visiting briefly at the same time. He had called in to see her on his way elsewhere to try to make arrangements for respite care or for someone to visit his mum over the Christmas period. The son is in his late sixties, married and judging by his car and his conversation he seemed reasonably well off, but there was no question of him inviting his mother (he's an only child) to spend Christmas with him and his wife. He seemed very pleased that she would be having Christmas lunch at my house - in spite of me being a complete stranger to both of them.

Of course I have no idea what has gone before in terms of their relationship, but I did feel rather sad that as well as living far apart geographically they were perhaps also emotionally distanced from one another. She is obviously cared for otherwise her son wouldn't have been there, but for her son not to be with his mum on Christmas Day knowing that she would be alone didn't seem very caring. Mind you, I'll let you know if she turns out to be an ogre when I've got to know her better.

mollie I have been estranged from my eldest daughter for nearly nine years now and I can honestly say I played no part in the reason she cut herself off from not only me, but every member of her maternal family, including her siblings. It's only very recently that I discovered her reasons and I have to say that I now understand why she did it - even though I think her judgement in doing so was faulty - and relieved to know for certain that her estrangement had nothing whatsoever to do with me. I am relieved to know the circumstances and feel more at peace about it now, although some days are still very hard.

Granny activist

I can guarantee that when my son needs money he will be in touch. He has always been the same. Other than that I get the odd Facebook message from him. I send him birthday and Christmas cards and money for him, my daughter in law and their two kiddies - never have a card back from them although my daughter in law does message me to say thank you (which is an improvement as he never did). Not sure why he is like this - it is just the way he is. Perhaps it is a male thing? My late husband wasn't like that though (sigh).

Yes mollie I can honestly say that neither I no Mr. S. played any part in the estrangement from our son. As with grannyactivist he has cut out his entire family apart from his brother.

I'm glad you've learned the truth behind your estrangement from your D grannyactivist but sorry that you are still apart. I know in my heart the reasons for ours; her jealousy and her need for total control.

We met up with them and her parents the night they got engaged and were celebrating with champagne when she looked right at me and said "I have only child syndrome, I don't share".

They married abroad and Mr. S. me were the only guests because she'd fallen out with her own parents. They made up but it now appears that she's once again cut her mother out of her life only having contact with her father (her parents are now divorced). Our little GS had spent a lot of time with her mother, his grandmother, and now doesn't have a grandmother in his life at all. He just has his grand dad who must wonder if, and when he'll be cast aside again too.

I think it's definitely a reciprocal process. My DH isn't particularly attentive to his mother (dad died many years ago), ie he relies on me to remember her birthday etc. On the other hand he spent his youth convinced that she loved his two brothers more than him. He told me once that he loved his mother but didn't like her very much. I gather that both brothers were difficult children when very young, needed lots of attention, so it is probably not surprising that my DH felt and probably was a bit neglected. For what it's worth, she doesn't take much interest in him nowadays either. Apart from Christmas/New Year, there is hardly any communication between mother and son.

I have 2 daughter's aged 30 & 33. I only have a relationship ( very good one ) with the elder one. My husband and I divorced and my younger daughter decided she needed to take sides (!) And choose him. In this time she has married, had her own daughter and is expecting again. I have tried many times to heal the ' rift ' but sadly she isn't interested. I send birthday,Christmas cards etc but do not receive back.

Grannyactivist, may I give you a small word of warning. A few years ago there was a poor, lonely little old lady who lived down the road from us - always on her own except for her small dog. Although she had a son somewhere he hardly ever visited, so that, as she was also somewhat disabled and could not walk very well, we obliged when she occasionally asked us to get her something from the shop when we were on our way there anyway, as you do.

To cut a long story short, it ended with phone calls in the middle of the night, her crying down the phone, accusing us of not caring if we did not jump out of bed immediately to attend to whatever need she had at the time. We had to stop seeing her competely after she called the police twice, accusing us of abusing her and stealing from her.

She was completely mad, a total nightmare, and we breathed a sigh of relief when she was finally sent to a care home. I'm sure your old lady is not like that, but still ....