Daughter doesn't want me in her life

Luckylegs, I'm so sorry your relationship with your D has soured to this point. My heart is with you.

Is there a key in what she said in her rant as to what's going on? Some hint of what sets her off? Maybe something that could help you know what you could do to begin to reverse this situation? Or maybe there's a clue in what it was that precipitated the rant?

If not, then I think what you're doing is the best idea. You need some space from her and, as hard as it may be to hear, she may need some space from you, too.

I don't know what her health issues are, of course, but if you feel the tensions between you are affecting her health, then that's another reason that I think it's good that you're backing away. Or did she back away first, stating her health as the reason? I'm not clear on that.

Anyhow, I also agree with PPs that you have to think of your own health, too. The constant stress you mention could damage it after a while. So for your own sake, I think you need a long reprieve.

It stinks that this means losing contact with your GD. I know that must hurt very much. Hopefully, it will help to continue sending her cards and gifts. Please don't count on a response though. Sadly, I've known other GPs who have tortured themselves, constantly checking for a card or a letter. Send whatever feels right to you, if anything, and then let it go, if you can. That letting it go part may be too hard, I suppose. I don't know but I understand if it is.

(((Hugs!)))

Hi Wendysue, I take on board all your comments and have been through them many times. There is a key to her behaviour. I sent a Christmas card to people she thinks I shouldn't. Her relationship with her son is not good, I get on well with him, see him rarely now he is grown and flown though. Any problems they had, I tried to keep out of, but I could see both sides. I was told never to see him, but if he turned up I couldn't turn him away. He came rarely. I let them know I loved them all. She can go forever without contact and has said many times she wouldn't care if she never sees anyone, including her son that doesn't do it her way. I genuinely think that I make her ill because she can never shake me off, like others. But I have hung on in there, for despite everything there has been good times, she is and always will be my daughter who I love, I have always hoped it would get better. These outbursts of hers are out of frustration, for her health I need to back away, if anything happens to her when she is so hysterical I would never forgive myself. I feel worn out, so goodness knows what it does to her. The difference is that she has my lovely gd and her husband, many friends and the money to take of anywhere. I can hear in my head my late fathers words, she will break your heart, how right he was. So I have this time to back away and give her what she wants. You can tell by the time of this post that it is keeping me awake still, but this time hopefully it will get better, because I am thinking in my head, it is for her as much as you, I have to do it. Posting has helped me so much by writing it down, so thank you for that.

There's a rift between her and her grown DS, too? Wow. How sad that she doesn't understand or accept that you and he can have a relationship outside of her.

Sorry to say, she sounds like a very controlling person. I definitely think you're taking the right route. It's unfortunate that it means you'll lose GD, also, for now - I can only imagine how that must feel. However, it's probably not good for GD either when her mom gets into these tirades. So what you're doing is probably best for all.

Perhaps your D will reach out to you again, in time, though I don't know if you'll want to chance getting involved again. Or maybe, when she's older, GD will try to contact you, if only out of curiosity. Like your GS, you may, in time, have a separate relationship with her (when she's an adult). Maybe not but could be.

I hope you keep open a FB page that's easy for her to find. I've heard of other GPs doing this for this reason, just in case.

The only thing left to tell yourself Lucky is that you can't help someone who doesn't want your help.....or even accept that she needs help. If the time comes and she is able to see it for what it is, you'll be there. I keep telling myself this, but I can't help adding.....Aye, if it's not too late.

Step back darling. I think in you she sees all the love and decency that for some reason she is unable to exhibit, and it becomes the catalyst for her behaviour. Like you're her nemesis.x.Gabby

I can really understand how you feel, our son's ex partner has cut all of our family off from her and their two children since last February, not even able to give them presents, we send cards but don't know if they receive them. It's so sad as we looked after them from babies and especially supported them through the break up with our son ( they are 10 and 6 years old). The reason we can't see them is our son now has a new partner and baby and she doesn't want her two children to find out, he's moved on but we still struggle and it does take its toll on your health, perhaps we need to move on too like you. I hope your daughter comes to her senses eventually, good luck.

I am very sad for all the women whose daughters hate them. Same here!

Well, she says she doesn't 'hate' me. It's a very true saying, that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The last contact with her was through FB messages, when she started her new job - her big adventure - teaching English via the British Council in Cairo. She graduated BA (Hons) Classics in her 50s (born 1961) and I could be so proud of her. I sent her a 'Well done - I always thought you'd be good at teaching' and I got back 'What has it got to do with you?' I'm accused of 'trying to worm my way back into her family'. HER family! She'd have no family, if I hadn't given birth to her and loved her all the way through her childhood.

Worse, she has influenced grandchildren along the same lines and I now have 3-year old twin great-granddaughters whom I've never seen (except through FB) and whom I'm never intended to be allowed to see. My husband, from his Jewish background, is even more shocked about this than most people would be.

There's a lot more I could say. But suffice it - this is so sad, and this time of year seems to make it worse. All I hear is people going off to spend Christmas, or at least eat Christmas dinner, with family, grandchildren, the whole 'perfect family' as per 'A Christmas Carol' that we're supposed to adhere to.

I am fortunate. I'm in a loving second marriage and I have another family - my step-family. Last week we were at a funeral, the husband of a dear friend of ours and she is like an adopted daughter to me. Some people love me and I have a loving relationship with them, but not with my own blood kin.

I can only say, as the song says 'Let it go!' And 'You'll never see me cry'. I will not have my heart broken by my one surviving daughter. I will not!

It is so very sad to read of the sheer pain and misery some people cause others who simply do not deserve it. It is not as though functional and loving families do not squabble and quarrel as they do. However, the difference between affectionate relatives and the others is one of tolerance and forgiveness. Selfish, cruel family members harbour slights and resentments, never say sorry and don't forgive. They scapegoat and goad in the knowledge that they have other friends they can call on while the slighted relatives often do not.

I am afraid the picture Luckylegs9 has painted of her family relation is all too familiar to me. My sister has rejected her own family in favour of that of her husband's and is habitually rude, cruel and capricious towards me, in particular. My daughter was with me when an e-mail from my sister arrived which was 'venting' and rude about an upcoming visit. My daughter was utterly shocked at her tone and could not believe that anyone could treat their so called 'nearest and dearest' like that.

It has upset me so much over the years that I cannot see any alternative after my mother passes away to dropping the relationship to one of postal correspondence. It seems a tragedy as I do not think her in-laws have my sister's best interests at heart and she will have no one to look after her when I am 'gone'.

My sister thinks our relationship is as nothing but I know she will miss the value of having a partisan ally when she no longer has one.

Luckylegs that is sad so close to Xmas.

It is fashionable to mention bipolar as a reason, but i don't think my daughter suffered from that it will be our 7th xmas as without her.

Our hearts have been well and truly broke. We we t against advice from bel mooney (mail) and still sent cards and vouchers to 3 little Gra daughters, even if 2 we never met agree with grannyyactivist keep door open.

Thank god for our lovely son and his family but it still hurts more than I can ever say to be alienated by my only daughter.

I tend to agree with Margaret I don't think is nice behaviour, I hope I was good mum my son assures me I was, but am sure made mistakes, but do t think my hd and I deserved the cruel silent treatment for 7 years.

People say your Grandaughters will find you but we are getting older and of course have missed such an awful lot.

Feel so sorry for you luckylegs, try and get on with your own life and make it happy, we're a long time dead as they say. I would agree with keeping the postbox stuff going but leave the rest for your healthy sake. You say you love her but I'm never sure about this unconditional love that mothers are so supposed to do, a grownup relationship is a two way thing surely. Hope 2016 brings you contentment.

Teacher11 - I think cruel and capricious is a very apt description!

My sister became so involved with her in laws to the exclusion of her blood kin .......... and then she divorced her husband. She seemed to think that she could continue the friendships with her in laws until they told her that she was not 'blood' so she could get on her bike.
She was shocked by this and has also subsequently seen how her attitude to her blood kin had rubbed off on her own children who have told her that they don't want her around this Christmas. We have invited her to come to us but I don't think she will. We are both very wary but willing to try, DH is a star!

DH has two brothers, pre-war, and he is the post war baby. The elder who lives abroad rarely contacts him but only ever in response to DH. The middle one is pure vitriol and blames my DH for just being alive! Both of their families are sadly dysfunctional too so it seems to 'fit' with the way they behave. So very sad for everyone connected. We have wonderfully close friendships with all the cousins thankfully but the brothers don't at all.

Sadly our children have never had any true aunts or uncles to whom they could relate or become close or even friendly. DH and I thank God every day for our own little family with whom we are very close, never, ever take them for granted and just love them to bits.

My heart goes out to all those suffering 'rellydisease'. There is a lot of it around!

relliedisease love it

DH's sister is another who cut herself off from blood relatives. The saddest part in my eyes is that her DH was an only child of parents who were only children. So DH's niece and nephew grew up with only one set of grandparents (who both died when niece and nephew were still children) and their mum and dad as the only relatives they knew.

So sorry that your daughter is so difficult. As others have said 'get on with your own life and keep in-touch through the post box.' and do not give her money.

I suggest that as your daughter's behaviour has made you feel ashamed and worthless you may wish to explore this with a counsellor. You brought her up as best you could within the family relationships of the time and the resources both financial and social available to you. You have a lot to be proud of.

It seems that your daughter has done well as you say . 'My D and Sil are lovely people with lots of friends and a very good lifestyle'. I think you also mention that your father said that your daughter would hurt you emotionally.

If you were able to find a person to explore the complex issues with you you might be able to see her behaviour in a different light and in a far less personal way.

You would then experience less stress and find dealing with her a lot easier. As the problems she experiences are her problems I do not think apologising for being their source, when you don't even know what you are apologising for, is a good thing either for you or for her. She will not respect you and you will feel hurt and angry.

Once you are at peace with your self and have an understanding of where she may be coming from, I think contacts, if there are any, will cause you less emotional havoc.

I think it might help to find an activity that you can use as a distraction so that you do not dwell on this to such an extent that it ruins your life and makes celebrations like Christmas painful.

Going on holiday sounds good. I have enjoyed SAGA holidays where everything is paid for and everyone in the group talks to each other.

You may also like to create an electronic photo album so that when your granddaughter is 21 you can give her a family history gift.

Wishing you all the best. Do hope you have a happier year in 2016

I agree with MargaretX. It doesn't sound as though you've done anything obvious to make your daughter so hostile. It sounds as though she's got 'issues' and needs to come to terms with her relationship with you. Or maybe as oldernowiser suugests, your DD may have some mental health issues

If she won't communicate those with you, and you've tried to communicate, you should detach yourself until she contacts you to apologise for her behaviour. I feel for you, but you shouldn't put up with this behaviour.

None of us have been perfect as mothers -as a mother herself, your daugher should sympathise with this- but there is no need to treat you like this.

Of course you should still to be in contact with your GC. If your DD doesn't pass on your cards, gifts or messages, when your GC is older they will want to have some contact and wonder why their mother witheld the communications.

Stay strong and keep your life positive with family & friends that want to be with you.

I think cards etc worth sending even if not acknowledged, I also write a diary to the two grandchildren I don't see in the event they ever try to get in contact, I can show how much I thought about them when they weren't there. Got that idea from gransnet!

Lost my mother when I was 11. Would give anything to see her one more time. Cannot believe these people who have living, breathing parents and grandparents (didn't have those either) could be so unfeeling.

I have just read this post today and it reminds me of my best friend her story is almost identical to the OP, last Christmas she came to me crying, the presents she had taken for DD and DGD were thrown in the bin in a black bag, she rescued them and as they were mainly childrens clothes she took them to the charity shop. Today I asked her what she was doing regarding her family and she said she would take some more presents and try again. However the problem lies many years ago when my friend left her husband for another man, the daughters were in their late teens and able to look after themselves while staying with their Dad but the Dad took to drink and died in a drink related accident. The two girls blamed my friend and while the younger has never forgiven her mother the older girl is now on good terms with her.
I would say that lucky look in the past, of course Im not suggesting that you have done anything like my friend had, but think back and there may be something that may have caused offence and not been forgiven that has been allowed to fester and remember time heals even though it may be a long time. My sympathy with your problem

Oh Shizam I really feel for you, to lose your mom at such a young age is almost unbearable and it must be hard reading these posts.
I am feeling more positive now I have made my decision to stand well back. Just not prepared to go on as I have, what I can change is the way I deal with it. I will send cards to everyone and also the gift tokens for grandchildren. Just not prepared to go on like I have for many years, you can not sort things out if you do not know what the problem is, it is just a viscous circle. In a way I am glad this last incident happened, I was as low as you could get but by posting and seeing others problems it put things into perspective, made me realise I am not alone or a bad person, I will enjoy being with the people who care for me as I do them. I wish all of you a very happy Christmas and do hope things improve for you all.

It's good to hear your thread has been helpful. I hope you have a happy and peaceful Christmas

Sadly I have two friends who are going through what many in this thread describe. The closest I've come to that was three years ago when my daughter and husband adopted a little boy. She's my only daughter so this was the grandchild I'd longed for. At first they followed the dictat of the social services(not in the UK) which did not allow for me to get close to him without them worrying that he wouldn't bond with them. My SIL actually believed he wouldn't know who his mother is if I was around too much - from 2000+ miles away.

I shed a few tears whenever I felt snubbed, but held on and eventually it dawned that the relationship between Grandmas and children has a magic quality and that surrounding him with love and him feeing loved by a wide circle of family members and friends would reinforce his wellbeing.

If you don't know it, you might like this poem...

'She let go' by Ernest Holmes.

I read it as a form of meditation when deaing with my divorce, but I think you'll find parallels and the concepts inspirational and a comfort.

Ginny

I have read so many of these sad Stories. I have the same problems from a DIL. They live in the apartment above me and have two grown up children. The GC are 20 and 19 and do not even come in to see me when home from their respective universities. My son walks past me in the drive. I have done nothing more than use the same accountant as my younger son!! The children are grown ups and should behave differently. This is the first year I have not given either of them the usual £100 Christmas present. Sadly my husband died in 2008. He would be heartbroken like me. People are so selfish nowadays. Thank God not everybody is the same. I loved my parents and would never have hurt them.

Have a lovely Christmas everybody and a Very Happy New Hear.

Royandysly sorry to hear that

Sadly it is an all too common story in our case we gave, gave, gave, 5 years support at uni until 23, gave her my car, money towards house deposit, wedding dress, cash, new pram, etc etc but in return we have been discarded like worn out rubber gloves no use for anymore.

I was also an emotional punchbag throughout her first difficult pregnancy then she had another child without telling us it hurt more than I can put into words but you have to try to let it go, even now after 7 years I can cry some days and am On waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy.

Have to try not to be bitter and focus on other good things of which I am lucky there see many!,

I forgot to say that myndaighter died when I was 16 and my mum when I was 29 and agree I could never ever have disrespected them In This horrendous cruel way.

My deepest sympathies to everyone here who has lost a parent or, perhaps worse, a child. As a PP said, I don't fully understand how some people cut living, breathing family members out of their lives when they are loving and caring. My heart breaks for everyone in this conversation who is suffering from that second kind of loss, as well.

Lucky, thinking this over, I don't know how D even knows who you send cards to. In the future, if you do speak to her, please don't give her this information. It's none of her business and obviously, she can't handle it.

Wendysue, she said someone had told her! How strange is that. It never came from me, I was too busy walking on eggshells.

Royandsyl, is there no way you can go upstairs and pluck up the courage to apologise for any hurt you caused, it was not meant, that you miss them all and want to be part of their lives. It should not be you doing it, you need the support without your dh, they have each other and they are so wrong in their treatment of you, but if it gets you together, in time it won't matter who made the first move. If they will not listen to you and are rude, well you will be no worse off than you are now, your pride will be dented. I would go when all the family are there, one of them will surely be on your side. I hate to think they are so near and treat you like that.

Celebregran, it is time you started to love yourself, it doesn't seem likely that things will change soon between you and your daughter, but who knows what the future holds, just look after yourself and have a good Christmas.

I have experience of a similar situation from the other side! My Mum was a very difficult lady - not that I am remotely suggesting that any of the parents on here who have told their stories are difficult! But it does give me an insight into the logic that fuels this apparent indifference.

Because her relationship with my Dad was a toxic - and I had endured it for so many years as a powerless child - I was very glad to be away from home and making a life for myself. I also found it difficult to see my own children witnessing their unpleasant jibes. I do not think she was a bad person and I did not hate her; I just had too much baggage behind me to create a loving adult to adult relationship with her. My siblings had similar problems with her, which in a way is a comfort as I do not have to blame myself totally.

We did not cut off contact. They came to us whenever they asked to; and we went there when invited. But there was always a difficult atmosphere; and we never initiated the contact.

I know that this is specific to me, and is not exactly the situation that many posters find themselves in; but I can relate to that apparent indifference that these DDs exhibit - it was the only way I could cope. I could not descend into anger and hatred; nor could I pretend all was well; so indifference and building a shell was the only way forward. Cowardly I confess, but what else to do?

If it is any consolation, I do regret that I never "had it out" with my mother when she was alive and tried to patch things up; but she was a force to be reckoned with and there is no possible way that she would have acknowledged any fault - that was definitely not her way!

Clearly these DDs here have some problem that they cannot talk about and I feel for you all - and indeed now for my own mother, who would have felt that she had never done a thing wrong. All I can say is that I do understand how hard it is for these daughters to find a way of dealing with the situation as they see it (however inaccurate this might be). Cutting the ties can seem the easiest (if not the wisest or kindest) way forward.

I am sorry that there ae so many of you who have to deal with this. I am blessed in that all my DDs are kindness itself to me - and sometimes I really do feel that I do not deserve it.