Emotional

Wise words yattypung (love the name)

I had an altercation with my eldest DD about two years ago, and tried to make things up several times, but got nowhere....then I read somewhere "stay away from people that make you sad or unhappy", so I stopped apologising and kept my distance, and guess what - she has now started coming round to see me and her dad again! and things are gradually getting back to normal.

I agree Rockchick and as far as I am concerned the only reason that people write those "How to be the perfect Grandparent" books, or indeed any other self help book, is to make money.
There is no way anyone could write a book long enough to cover all the situations that crop up and every GP knows that it is a minefield and there is NO foolproof method, neither is there a perfect GP, DC, GC or anyone else! We are all normal and what a relief that is too, it could be so boring otherwise!

This thread has given me a good giggle so thank you everyone!

Anya you hit nail on head with your " offering that was construed as organising" as my " checking before doing is construed as not caring seemingly " as somebody else said here you can't win really - I laugh at all these self help " how to be the greatest granny books", it's a blinking minefield still the little/big tykes are worth all the bitten lips in the world.

I've found this thread very helpful too.
Of our four, only oldest daughter never married, and we have seen her a lot, remained very close . But 3 years ago she met someone who now shares her life. I'm so glad they have eachother, but sad that our relationship has changed. Naturally, he wants her all to himself and isn't too happy when I go to stay with them.
The time has come for us to back off, and wait to be invited, I think.

I swear we are not all "like that" at all.

You're normal opelessgran. I swear we're all like that with the 'other lot'.

I probably would have said something in the restaurant too, rockchick, but if I got told off for saying something I'd have let the baby make a mess next time. Some people (the dad, not the baby) have to learn the hard way.

On the other hand, perhaps it wouldn't have mattered if the baby had made a mess in a restaurant ?

It's definitely that time of year! I used to work in a public department, people were nuts before Christmas and worse after New Year for a few days! Why do we do it to ourselves? On that note, I have had to learn to chill and button my lip with my family. DIL's mother is the one that I have to bite my tongue with most often, but I have decided it's often me taking umbridge over the time she spends with MY grandchild! I had good advice from a gransnetter earlier in the year, in a similar situation, who said 'who cares so long as we both have grandchilds best interests at heart' which we both do. However, I seem inclined to fire a warning shot across her boughs (bows?!) now and then.....?...just to make me feel better!

I feel better knowing that others feel as I do-reluctant to speak out or rock the boat in case of estrangement. We know quite a few parents who have been estranged from their grown up children who refused contact for years. You think it won't happen to you but it did to good friends of ours ( they still don't know why but contact has resumed after 10 years)
My DH and I have 2 DS and their families who both live away - one in Ireland. We find we wait to be told the details of how ,when and where. We ask if it is ok to go and see them I.e. if convenient. If we have the grandchildren it tends to be on their terms. We have good relationships with all with tensions now and then but biting my tongue is a frequent act. I used to be very close to DS 2 but as a mum I rarely get to spend any time with either of them on their own. DH has chances to go to a rugby match or football or help do a job in the house. But although I get chance to spend time with my DIL because of the above its never the other way round and the twice when I could have my DIL changed her mind over arrangements and swopped activities with DS!! But it is sad that the kids seem to be able to say things to us but we feel we cannot reciprocate. Many of the posts talk about this . Buttoning your lips , putting up with hurtful remarks. It's good to know there are lots of us out there feeling the same. It must be part of growing older. I suspect our own parents felt the same maybe? Thanks for listening.

lol Jinglbells I don't think anyone thought you were literally trying to take someone out with the cake tin lid. (or should that be )

I know my adult dd does the thing where she asks my opinion, I give it, and then she accuses me of trying to tell her what to do (because it's not what she wants me to say, she wants me to agree with her). I don't know how many times I've trotted out the line of "If you don't want to know my opinion, don't ASK it!"

I would like to point out, I didn't throw the cake tin lid at anyone. Nor across the room. Just the short distance to the floor. It was the Xmas cake tin lid and at that moment I think it encapsulated how I was feeling about Xmas in general at that point.

annifrance's post reminded me of when my daughter accused me of trying to 'organise everyone' so now rather than offering suggestions I just sit back and let them get on with it. It's quite amusing as I don't offer to do anything any more (that was construed as 'organising') and they have to approach me to ask for help - usually with the grandchildren.

It has made then take me a lot less for granted.

One thing I learnt from my late DMIL was that you have to let them make their own mistakes to find out you were right

Spot on Annifrance

I have never commented on this site before but I want to say a big Thank You for making me feel normal. I see others having wonderful, close attachments to their adult children and I feel so abnormal. There seems to be a communication problem, but after reading things like the above, I have relaxed into the situation. Somehow, this seems to have made things better. So a genuine thank you ladies for sharing your views. I try to remember what it was like between my parents and me. When my children came along they meant so much to me, I thought we would be close for ever, but the rift has appeared. On another thread someone quoted "We love our children more than they love us, because they are getting on with their lives". Really made me think and I have quoted it to a couple of others who have gone "That is so true!". The only thing I would say to Rockchick is, go with your gut feeling and be true to yourself. Sometimes, maybe, we try too hard. We are lucky to have a relationship with our offspring, whatever it may be. Thank you again ladies.

I don't blame you a bit, quite honestly by New Year's Day, I'm frazzled dealing with everything. Just dealing with my ex alone practically breaks me out in hives at the constant stress.

I've been tempted to fling a few things, but sadly haven't given in to the temptation. It probably felt good to let off a little steam.

I once threw a potted plant out the kitchen window at ex h. He lifted it and threw it back in.
Have you ever seen the mess that wet potting compost can make and how far it can fly?

I have posted a thank you message on Ask a gran - Adoption - for all the responses I had yesterday.

Got over throwing things since the menopause, but remember with hilarity the day the dogs thought they had died and gone to heaven when I chucked two dozen raw eggs at ex DH. Didn't have to clean up. also with same ex DH I do remember how the jelly wobbled on top of his head he was so furious. Do regret the crystal whiskey glass that went through the window.

On the subject of DSs, I had a rocky ride with mine for many years, but now he is a pussy cat and we get on amazingly. But the duffel coat that I made him wear still comes out from time to time!

One thing I learnt from my late DMIL was that you have to let them make their own mistakes to find out you were right, and learn to button your lip when you see them doing things in a way that you wouldn't. It is an art to gently suggest other solutions to theirs.

Yeah, I just wanted to add that I'm sure the time of year does have something to do with these dust-ups. As beautiful as the season is, people are tired, maybe have missed sleep, nerves may be frazzled (especially those of young parents) and so forth. I agree with Shazmo that things will probably soon be back to normal. But I still think the advice to let DS handle baby on his own is good, OP, and am glad you decided that's what you'll do.

Everyone's overtired & had enough of the holdays
Bet today everything will be back to normal
These things happen so don't beat yourself up about it...bet he's forgotten all about it already

Have just had the best read ever, what a hoot you all are. Thanks, ladies. It's so good to know that I'm not the only batty mother/gran . I never know whether I'm expected to speak/not speak/help/not help......and still trying to suss it out. I did have a good laugh at the scenarios. Welcome to my world. Can I join in?!

He probably did say that heavenknows. And I probably said no!

Well, I didn't want him to get fat on them did I?

Cheapo biscuits are Baaad. You can't 'waste' them. You can only dispose of them in the most sensible way. In the bin!

Some people don't like waste - I get twitchy about it, too Chucking biscuits away to avoid the temptation of eating them would have pressed my buttons, I'm afraid, though I wouldn't have torn them out of the would-be-chuckers hands (despite being sorely tempted!).

Rockchick, the scenario you describe sound like a massive misunderstanding.

It's a shame you got upset - this was prob an over-reaction (not criticising you, because as you suggest, you were reminded of your ex-husband, so the emotional impact on you was greater). Your remark to your son that the baby was grabbing the spoon might have sounded to him like you were saying 'you should be more watchful of the baby' (maybe your tone or your words reminded him of his father and he over-reacted as a result, as well?). Of course you were just being sensible, and trying to avoid a great mess - but he didn't hear it like that.

Maybe your comments 'all weekend' have been heard in the same way - as criticism?

I hope it gets sorted - just apologise, be the bigger person, and resolve to be less upset (or to show it less!) in the future