New boundaries and eggshells ...

Thank you all. - justrolljanet, it is that sudden and immediate change of expectations that has floored me and annifrance yes, - I thought I would be needed in these first few days - I so appreciated my mum being on hand for me - but clearly I am not! I have my phone by my side - have made all the right noises about being available, but not imposing - and I have hesitated to make any plans just in case, but the hours are ticking by and my phone doesn't bleep ... I now think I need to get out and about and doing and break off plans as necessary rather than moping. All my friends who are grandparents had told me how much my daughter will need me and have assumed I would be busy and involved - it just compounds the sense of being surplus to requirement to be at a lose end and ringing them for company!!!

I rationalise with myself that times have indeed changed and I am trying not to feel rejected, but I am quite weepy with disappointment. To be fair to DD and SIL, they are not insensitive people, quite far from it and I know they want and apparently need their own space to find their way - I just think I could have been so helpful and it is a bit bewildering. I didn't have any idea that they might not want me around until about a week before the birth and then I felt quietly devastated.

Perhaps because I have lost a daughter, I have subconsciously invested more in this experience and perhaps needed more from it. I know it is my problem and it is helpful to be able to relieve my feelings by sharing here and being reassured that although I don't like the way things are, I am doing the right thing by being silent. And when the invite for a second visit does eventually come I know I will go with an open heart and just ready to help. I just wish that second call would come ...

I promise you that the call will come. And they will remember how sensitive you were.

Gosh Imperfect, you are so wise already and there's so much sound advice on this thread. I speak from bitter experience. I was getting this all wrong and by the time our 3rd GC was born, I just charged ahead as though nothing had changed, when of course it had. Big time!

I now see that my tactlessness led to some very harsh words being said (to us by them) and almost to estrangement from our 2 DSs and their families.

Things are so much better now, but as someone has remarked, not quite as we would wish, but as they want. It's a big lesson to learn and some of us 'get it' quicker than others. Well done and many congratulations!

Don't fret, you will be needed soon enough.

Give you DD a call, ask how baby is doing and, if all is well, then tell them how well they are coping or if not them tell them the first few days can be hard but you're sure they'll be fine. They need reassurance. You can add you are there if needed - but don't push it.

Don't give advice unless asked and then temper it by saying something like 'I'm not sure what is considered the best way theses days, but I tried x, y, z and it helped'

It is difficult to make the right start. My children were born in Peru in the 1960's and I must say I thought thank goodness I haven't got my parents here to tell me what to do. I was happy to read books, talk to my friends ask people and get on with it my way. I was 23 years old and glad to be away from home.

When I returned to the UK I gradually enjoyed the fact that I could from time to time send the children to visit my mother etc.

Then 35 years later I got my own grandchildren. I bought a book on being a grand mother - cannot find it on my shelf now but was similar to:

Becoming a Grandmother: A Life Transition Paperback – 5 Dec 1997
by Sheila Kitzinger (Author)

The Good Granny Guide Paperback – 27 May 2011
by Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall (Author)

I have grand children now in 2 different families and make sure I do not give advice but lend a hand.

However I do have the arrangement that I ring my daughter in law and arrange an afternoon to visit that suits the family timetable and take the children in the holidays etc. I do not wait to be invited. I try to see the ones in England who are now becoming teenagers, once a month.

I am hoping to take my oldest granddaughter to Australia next year to visit her cousins. I am in the process of negotiating this.

I have helped out when my daughter in law got breast cancer as did her parents who took the greater part.

Good luck Imperfect27 . Hope you enjoy being a granny.

Oh don't worry, you will make a few mistakes, but it should all eventually fall into place. When I first knew, it was as if I was having the baby....I bought pushchairs, cots nappies dummies food anything and everything it is so exciting.

yes can be a minefield! ...and being a GM who is also a health visitor quite a tricky place to be for everyone. Standing back brought the comment 'your mother doesn't care' , offering the simplest of advice seen as criticism!
Offering stuff like a made casserole which can be frozen so they can decide when to use it is a good option.Don't forget that new parents are often severely sleep deprived and unlikely to respond in a tactful manner.
Offering to baby sit so the parents can get some alone time is also an option.
My own SIL (a military man!) organised a rota in the early postnatal period for visitors so DD didn't get overwhelmed with well wishers/visitors.

Imperfect it floored me as well, I felt awful, it wasn't what I thought it should be because I was looking back not forward, now 4 years on I realise it is a good thing, it shows that they are coping well as a new family, I know all is well, if there is a problem they cannot deal with they ask advice, I know that they trust me with the precious children and the little ones love me and look upon it as a treat when the see me and grandad and even sleep over and have midnight picnics ( 7.30 pm :-) ), I now also realise that even just looking after them 1 day a week while mummy is at work is exhausting and am very grateful my offer of more days wasn't needed :-)

Bide your time imperfect - your moment will come!

Young parents get bombarded by the whole bonding idea at the moment and it may be that this is what is motivating your DD.

I am lucky in that my DDs thought the bonding ought to include the grandparents - at least with their second and subsequent babies when they had realised how much they needed some help - not so much with the first.

Be assured you will be in demand before you know it!

I had to endure my DD getting in a birth partner who was someone I could not stand - I pasted on a smile! We do a lot of that!!

Please don't let this spoil things for you - there is lots of fun to come believe me.

I am a foolish lurker of the Mil threads on Mumsnet. The ones that stand back and wait are castigated for not being proactive and the ones that hop up and down offering help are complained about for always being in their face. I wanted to be the perfect gran and have failed on too many counts. Helping and interfering have a very close border. I will be the perfect gran for the next child. Neither dd intends to have another childI wish this site had been around in 2003. How can we help is a good question to practise.

How I agree Granarchist ! My DD was home four hours after delivering her baby after a long labour. I was at their place dog sitting and when they all arrived home, she then set about making a cake for impending visitors ! I didn't say a word ...... That was four years ago and after 4 years of sleep deprivation ,number two is imminent and I don't think she will be making cakes this time round .

Congratulations on the new arrivals (you here, and the baby) - welcome to both!

As someone who was swamped by the attentions of a new grandmother when I had my children, I was very, very cautious about overstepping the mark when my own grandchild arrived five years ago. I waited for everything - to be told the news, to be invited to visit or asked for help. It's a fine line to tread because now I think my caution is also perceived as being a little distant and that's not the intention. So, my advice, for what it's worth, is to tell the happy parents that you will wait for them to tell you what they want and why so that there can be no misunderstanding.

Good luck to you all and enjoy the new arrival - they grow up too darned fast!

i now have four grandchildren and have bitten my tongue for the last 8 years. it does not get any easier if you are a forthright person as i am! I just have to keep reminding myself to button it but i have friends who are grandparents and over the years have decided that keeping quiet doesnt make any difference to DIL as whatever you do will always be wrong anyway.

Perhaps you are just lucky to have a very capable and independant daughter? some are needier than others, after all.Maybe they don't want to put you out by doing a long drive, so are being thoughtful? there will be many opportunities to help as time goes on.

Congratulations Imperfect and quite amazed your realizing the relationship change already. I have 7 now and still learning and btw there is not a rule book unfortunately so things can change re each of your own kids and from month to month :-) but as most people would say on this site, keep your own opinions and just use your mouth for talking/ smiling/ learning and having fun with all these gorgeous little folk.

They are new parents. Perhaps they just need time together, as a threesome, to wonder at that.

Oh, and congratulations to all of you!

Thank you all. I have been truly amazed by the number of replies and very thankful for what you have shared - this has been really helpful to me.

I tend to analyse things to death and that fine line between being perceived as distant and uncaring / too forward and overbearing has been in my thoughts all day. I finally took a deep breath and text my daughter to suggest a catch up chat at a good moment - including the suggestion for tomorrow if need be, but was invited to phone soon after and it has been really good to hear how things are going. I trod around the 'next visit' territory- so there is no misunderstanding I said I am obviously excited to come again soon, but not until it is right for them - well received ... phew!

So thank you all for the good advice - this fledgling granny (still can't get used to that!) is very glad to have found this site - it has probably saved me from making some rooky errors - sure there will be plenty to come tho

Lastly - never thought of it from the angle of having a capable daughter ...though I don't know why really ... She seems to have been blessed with a very placid baby (albeit that he is nocturnal at the moment) and she seems to be managing the feeding pretty well. Much to be thankful for.

Unless they are very lucky, the new parents will get very tired very soon and will welcome having grandma to help. Just tell them that you are there whenever they need a hand. They won't know where they are at the moment and the real world will set in soon enough,especially if SIL has to go back to work soon. I found that volunteering to do chores, shopping etc was much appreciated so that DD could concentrate on herself and the baby.

You will get lots of time for cuddles and, as everyone has said, the relationship with a grandchild is just wonderful. Mine are now 4 and 1 and never in my life has anyone shown such delight in seeing me as they do. The down sides are that they are exhausting and suddenly you are relegated to sitting in the back of the car!! Family dynamics certainly change, but then that is part of the cycle of life.

Enjoy this precious relationship.

Only you know your DD but you could always call and say how much you are longing for a cuddle and please can you come over and bring lunch/supper.
I know they rightly want to be together but mine were always happy to have us to coo and admire their babies. Doing a spot of vacuuming and folding the washing etc whilst visiting was always appreciated! I have 9 GC between the ages of 25 and 7 mths from 1 DS and 4 DDs. Perhaps it is different if they are part of a larger family. All hands on board is the norm. I'm sure you'll find you are very much needed soon.

We had the family round for dinner before Christmas. During the meal there was a slight altercation between DD and second GD (14). GD turned to her Mum and said "Grandma's table, Grandma's rules. Isn't that right Grandma?" My reply "Exactly! Rule number 1: I would not dream of overriding what your Mum says". For once I got it right!!! Only taken 16 years. Whoop whoop! Lol.

I have a lovely DiL with whom I have never,in 27 years , had a cross word.
I'm lucky and I know I am. So many have shaky relationships. When the 4 children were young and having lunch at my table, the older ones asked to get down from the table whilst the youngest was still eating. I suggested that they should wait till their brother had finished his dinner. Afterwards I asked my Dll if she minded and she said, no if you tell them then I don't have too! Wise girl. So I felt I could talk to my GC without feeling I had to watch what I said all the time. Our joke was T E Toilet etiquette, meaning putting down the lid, (3 boys,) washing hands, putting the towel back and turning off the light if they had put it on. As they came rushing out of the cloakroom I would just say from the kitchen, T E ? DiL would just smile and enjoy her coffee or whatever else she was doing.

Wow Cayuga, very impressive, lucky you that you can get away with it and not cause holy murder. Think your dil must be in the minority from what I see on here, mine would not say anything to me but would say to her hubby to say to me and if he was at table then I would def be in trouble. It just goes to shows it takes all sorts, but must be nice if it goes uber smooth.

Mollie has it right - make it clear you want to help but will wait until asked. Of course in our day paternity leave did not exist so GPs were a vital part of the process but now fathers are around to provide that backup we take a back seat. Tho in my case my daughter and SIL both wanted me there at the birth which was such a privilege and in fact I held DGS first! It was amazing, but I slipped out without them noticing immediately afterwards - they had become a family and did not need me any more. I will never forget that night.

Well done Granarchist - wow! What a privilege! Yes - good wisdom from mollie. I am patiently waiting ....