Help with a MIL problem

Just wondering if there is a father in law? and could your husband speak to him privately to see what the problem is from his perspective.

I'd back of and leave her to it.
You can't make someone be an active role in your child's life, as crap as that sounds.
Just let her know that she is always welcome and make it clear you want her to be involved in her grandchilds life.

I was told, you cant control how people act but you can control how you react.

It's really hard to know what's behind this inconsistent behaviour. Is your OH an only child? How does she behave towards others in the family? Perhaps she's jealous of your relationship with her son.? You are being very magnanimous here. I have a terrible relationship with my MiL, who has always made it clear I am not good enough for her wonderful boy, so I only really see her when there is a large gathering and I can avoid her. So I'm not really one to advise, but it might be worth trying to see the situation from her perspective( or trying to). If nothing comes of your olive branch you may well just have to try to lower your expectations of having a loving relationship with her.

I would think she's jealous because you've taken her son away. Nothing you can do about. It's just a fact some people are just not very nice. Don't bother any more. Leave the door open, but leave it to her.

Personally I wouldn't go to see her, let your husband go alone.
My MIL was utterly hateful, loathed me from the start because 'she loved X, his ex-fiancée' and clearly I was never going to be good enough.

There really is no point in trying to find out; she's made her views clear, she doesn't want to know for whatever reason so don't hand her extra ammo by visiting.

It is very sad but it does happen, it's nothing you've done or not done, just her decision.

You are so lucky to have the support of your OH. I think many men are nervous of confronting their mothers so you are lucky in that respect. My very closest friend had exactly this problem with her mil and her DH took his mother off into the garden and basically told her one to one that she was being a wicked old woman! Mil came into the house in tears and told my friend what he had said and she said, " that's because you have been. But we both love you and want you to be happy and to have a wonderful relationship with us and with your grandson. So let's start afresh and all be nice to each other" It did work. Whether it will work for you I dont know. But perhaps one on one to begin with might make her feel less 'ganged up on' and she can't blame you'. My mil was brilliant until her husband died and it all changed. She was definitely jealous that I had her son and she had no-one. I just handled it by ignoring her behaviour but it was so so hard sometimes. She never did it in front of my DH so I he thought I was exaggerating her foulness. I wasn't. Good luck!

Thank you for all of the advice.

His Dad is around but he is away a lot and we ideally wanted him to be there to have this conversation but he is away until the end of the month and my OH wants to deal with it now.

He has a sister who is 10 years younger than he, they don't have a great deal to do with each other, but his mum is very close to her, it has been this way since I have known him, his sister has always told me that his mum has been very rude to people for a long time and hasn't got any friends because of the way she treats people! But I think that is something separate to this!

I have spoken with my OH about going on his own as I didn't want her to feel ganged up on but he really wants me to come as we are a unit and she has to accept that I am here to stay! His words not mine!

Since my daughter nearly died I have suffered from post trumactic stress and would have really appreciated the extra support!

Maybe I am expecting to much but I just want her and everyone to be happy!

DHs mom was like this, so I completely sympathise. She also is very rude about people and doesn't have any friends down to how she treats them.

She picked up and dropped DD when she felt like it, we also had the chat you're about to have and it didn't end well, it's like the novelty wears off if that makes sense? She likes the idea of being a Grandparent, just not the actual Grandparenting.

Happy Your mother in law sounds a rather unpleasant person and I think you have been quite tolerant of what I think is some quite nasty behaviour. If it were me, I would keep an emotional - if not a physical - distance. I would go along with my OH, as requested by him, but keep a low profile.

As others have said, if someone is determined to be difficult there is only so much you can do.

I agree with everyone else. I had a horrible MIL. I tried for years to be nice to her and ended up being very hurt. I am quite a nice person and just wanted a bit of respect and love .....she was jealous of our relationship. DH always took my part without wavering.....that is all important!!

Finally I gave up and didn't see her for 5 years. She then came back and made friends of a sort. I wish I had been stronger as a young woman, it would have saved a lot of heartache.

She is not as important as your marriage and your daughter. The ball should be in her court. Your D H can visit her, why not, if he wishes.

Good luck and try not to get hurt by the old 'dear'.(not the word I first thought of.)

I would not go and talk to her if I were you, especially if her own daughter has told you that she is a nasty person. There's no point causing yourself upset because people like that never really change, it's just how they are, and you will only be disappointed.

My MiL was the same. She totally ignored us and her GC when we needed her support most - our DD had appendicitis, DS broke his leg badly, I slipped a disc. No help was ever forthcoming, and we ended up hiring a paid nanny at one point because we were tearing our hair while she didn't offer any assistance. I can assure you that 30 years down the line she is still the same and doesn't care enough about her new GGS to acknowledge his birthdays, so the leopard never changes its spots.

LullyDully is right, you need to be strong and dismiss her from your thoughts. I wasted too many years hoping mine would just say a few kind things about how well our family had done or how proud she was, even though she had contributed nothing to our lives. She is the one who has missed out, but it caused me enormous grief too, and I think you could well do without that.

Not sure if I would go with dh or not.
Or if you go let dh get on with it with you there for support.
No doubt MIL will consider your attitude wrong no matter what way you handle it.
Good luck whichever way you go about it

So sorry to hear about what you went through with DD, HappyMumma! My heart goes out to you!

Is it possible MIL is afraid of being pushed aside? Despite your best efforts - and you are a wonderful DIL, IMO - perhaps she has preconceived notions about DILs' keeping their DHs (dear husbands) and children away from their MILs and she pulls away before she can get hurt? That would explain a lot of her behavior, I think.

Not sure if it explains the rudeness. She may just not know better. But maybe it's a case of "striking first" before someone lashes out at her (even though I know neither you nor your mother would do that).

Whatever, I think the emotions that are affecting her are deepseated. That's why I agree with PPs that another talk isn't going to help much. But all the more reason, I feel, to go along with DH for moral support - he's probably going to need it!

If I were you, I would say very little. Just take it all in, see how she reacts to whatever DH says and be there for him and all.

It's sad but I really think you need to let her drift away. You don't need to deal with anymore of her "crazies." And honestly, do you want your child exposed to MIL's erratic behavior?

Thank you all so much for your advice, and kind words. It's nice to have the opinions of other women who aren't close to the situation!

I have decided to go and support my husband as he really wants me there and I don't want to let him down!

Fingers crossed that's it doesn't go as badly as I fear it may!!

Thanks again

Possibly damned if you do tackle her and damned if you don't. But at least you want to try. Good luck.
Some women have a bit of a crisis when they become a grandmother - suddenly they are not "the mother of the family" any more - the spotlight is elsewhere.
Was your daughter a first grandchild?

Just thought I would add a bit of an update, the meeting was OK! she of course completely blamed me for everything, and made up a few things I didn't say, luckily for me she actually admitted to lying in the end and twisted a few things directly in front of us, however with the meeting not really going anywhere I said that we just need to put it all behind us and move forward with a clean slate which she agreed to!

I am trying so hard to be positive but I can't help think that it will go back to the same way it was before!

Thank you all for you advice and kind words

you did well. Fingers crossed for the future!

Dear HappyMumma83,
She is lucky to have you as her DIL and you have been very persevering. It is very hard when we feel we are being open and loving and it is thrown back at us. I am glad for you that you went with your husband - the relationships between him and you and your beautiful daughter are what really matter and I think you have behaved with such grace, your DH should be very grateful for you. The fact that you went together means there can be no more 'twisting' of what happened when you did try to move things forward positively. I really do hope your MIL can take stock and make her own effort for a 'fresh start'. She would be very foolish not to, but if after all, she cannot move forward, you have at least done all you can.

Your update isn't a shock
Its always someone else's fault, people like your MIL will twist everything back onto someone else because they're victim.
It will happen again unfortunately but atleast youre prepared.

A word of warning for the future, my MIL used to promise a lot of things if she was out the picture for a 3/4 weeks. She made promise she will play with DD when she comes down, will buy DD xyz...those kind of things, she would promise things for the following week, then cancel. The things she promised never happened, ever. I'm not saying she will do this of course but just be carefull.

HappyMumma83
I want you for MY daughter in law! Your MIL can then have my lying, manipulative, immature daughter in law. Let's arrange the swap. It would be a match made in heaven! Not.

Her behaviour sounds to be attention-seeking. When something happens that stops her being the main focus (New baby, sick child) she becomes difficult. I hope things improve, but I suspect she will continue to be difficult.

Seriously, don't try too hard with her. Be polite, friendly and supportive of OH (he loves her, she's his mum) but don't worry yourself about her. The more you try to please her and appease her the more power she will perceive herself to have. She doesn't have any power unless you give it to her. Concentrate on your child and your husband and your marriage. Just don't (and I mean don't) criticise her in any way - hard to do initially but gets easier as you go along. She will either realise that she's got it wrong and change or continue in her own way - either way it's her decision, not yours. ~Deep breaths .......

HappyMumma so sorry to hear about MIL and I have to say that you are right it will probably revert to what it was but you have done your best and you have supported DH and presented a united front. There just are some people like her and be assured that it is all about her, her and her again and sadly she is the only one she is interested in.

A nurseryman once told me that there are some plants that survive best on benign neglect and told me to just make sure my orchids were in the place suited to them and then just ignore them, water them when they looked like they needed it and enjoy the flowers while they were there. Sounds like the best recipe for self centred MILs!

Don't hold your breath waiting for the good times - if they happen then great but you just need to concentrate on your DH and DC and surround them with love.

The advice on keeping the door open, moving on and leaving her to her own devices, is good.

My MIL's only interest was in the first born girl. Her 'priority'!

The older and other male GCs were of little interest and any subsequent females; well, she'd already got her girl GC!

We all protected our DCs from her obvious bias and she became an embittered old woman, but couldn't work out why she was so unhappy!

Look after your DD, be polite and don't let her put a wedge between DH and yourself. Good luck.

x