Am I overreacting?

Does her DH know she is visiting when you are out? Maybe invite them both round and say something about it being so good for you all to meet up because she always seems to miss you when she drops round and you don't see much of him. Alternatively slip out a couple of times walk around the corner and straight back to catch her off-guard. Doing this a few times could make her give up. Or get your DH to phone you so you can get back and catch her. Or ask him not to answer the door when she calls round.

Invite her to the gym with you.

Good idea, anno, and then maybe whatnot could suggest the 'lady' pops the kettle on, as she must know where to find everything, visiting as often as she does, during the day.

Obey your instincts- I didn't and a woman wrecked my marriage even though my husband & I are still together, kind of... 26 years ago my husband was a practising Christian, read the lesson in church. A female German colleague started taking an interest in him. I was working full time, looking after children sick parents etc, and you could say he got the attention from her I was too tired to give. I started realising something was wrong when, for instance on Sunday afternoons whilst I was preparing the next week's lessons for my students, he would drive over to a town 12 miles away to "go for walks" with this unprincipled woman, who had been to my house on numerous occasions and eaten with me and my children. When I asked to join them he told me I was too fat to keep up with them. Can you believe, I just accepted this? Without going into the whole tale, I discovered in nasty circumstances that they had been conducting an affair for over a year. I started divorce proceedings, which gave my husband a shock. We decided to stay together, but I lost respect for him, lost my faith, and can still weep when I think of his betrayal, and my humiliation. We live apart, meeting up about every six weeks and for family occasions. I hate my relationship with him as he has never really been honest about things. He is a selfish man who doesn't make me feel good about myself. Why am I still married to him after 52 years? Financial security: he gives me a fairly good allowance and with my pension I can enjoy a fairly enviable standard of independent living. I don't have to cook for him, wash his underpants (except every few weeks) and I enjoy the love and support of female friends, many of whom tell me they envy my position. It must be great having the love of a good man, but at what price does it come?

Oh Marelli, it wouldn't take much to change your name to Machiavelli

Lots of good ideas here, IMO!

If I were you, I would talk to DH about this first. If he didn't seem to understand, brushed off my concerns, continued to let her come in for that cup of coffee, then I would confront her. I wouldn't care if she denied or pulled the "poor little me" act. If one is firm enough, chances are, a woman like this will back off.

I wouldn't worry about hurting my relationship with these neighbors either. Maybe just as well. And, IMO, that's something she should have thought of!

Whatever you choose to do, please let us know what it is and how it works out. Perhaps I'm jumping the gun, but if nothing resolves the problem, maybe marriage counseling will be in order?

In fact, come to think of it, though you say you trust DH, you also are worried that if you bring this up, he'll " be alerted to the fact that she finds him attractive (he's a little vain - aren't we all) and it might escalate things." Not sure how you mean that last part. But if his vanity means more to him than your feelings - or if you think it does - maybe marriage counseling is in order, anyhow?

Good luck, no matter what route you take!

Jaxie; similar to you except swap barmaid at local pub for colleague and we're now divorced, but good friends. My ex is a very decent man but he fell head over heels for this woman who, a few years ago fleeced him out of a lot of money and left him. They both, at the time, made me feel that it was my fault. When a man gets to a certain age he can be very guillable [sp] when it comes to the attentions of an attractive woman and, if they do start to develop feelings for them there's no going back. I'd say nip it in the bud by speaking to him and perhaps look at your marriage and see if anything needs working on [not implying that there is but I wish I'd done so].

Go out, drive around the block and then return. If you find her there say something like "I wondered how long it would take you/do you watch and wait for me to go out/does your husband know you're here"? She'll get the message. Who wants to be friends with a person like that?

What not you have every reason to be concerned. How come your husband is offering her wine? I agree with gillybob's advice.

I would go further; having prepared an intervention should you meet her in your house, appear to go out for Gymn class, and come back within 25 mins, having agreed with husband what he was going to do i.e. watch a programme, read his paper, do a job etc.

If she is not there you can just say you forgot your shoes, leotard what ever. However if she is there drinking wine you will need to deliver the prepared intervention.

For example pick up an envelope with invitation to a kitchen supper with yourselves and give it to her saying how lucky she called. You were so looking forward to meeting up with her husband (speak his name) you did hope you would all have a lot in common. Then kiss your husband etc. as you depart back to your class.

Or something similar.

Good luck

Just wondering what her husband is doing while she is at your house - is he out working? Although disturbing it could be perfectly innocent in that she's lonely and bored having moved to a new area and she's found your husband someone to turn to for company. When you come home she might just feel in the way so leaves. Just putting an opposite perspective on it all. I think I would mention it to your husband as he may be just trying to be polite but in reality fed up of her disturbing his peace and might welcome an excuse not to entertain her. Many years ago we had new neighbours and the woman who was older than me started coming round every morning for coffee - even bringing her own cup with her and just marching in the back door! It drove me mad to the point I actually started hiding upstairs. We fell out when my kids kicked their ball in her garden and she refused to give it back! It was such a relief!!

anno -

Someone told me years ago and I cannot remember who or where that 'Good fences make good neighbours'. I have found this to be very true. I am civil to my neighbours, we stand and chat pass the time of day with general stuff. I also have neighbours who I avoid where I can as they are gossips and often try to prise information out of me to no avail.

I found out what familiarity with neighbours can turn into with a bad experience years ago and totally learned my lesson. I am polite to neighbours but that is it. They are not involved in my life, nor I in theirs.

Now, regarding the original post. If you are getting bad vibes you firstly need to speak with your husband. As for a solution to the problem a few shut/unanswered doors and a few - 'sorry this is not a good time' and hopefully they will get the message. DO NOT TACKLE THE NEIGHBOUR ON YOUR OWN. This can lead to all sorts of allegations whether they are true or false and if they are relatively new neighbours, you have no idea what they are like as people. Go cautiously.I only say this as two of my neighbours fell out with each other and one of them has gone really vindictive now and has shown a most unpleasant side. You really don't want that.

I used to have a neighbour who took advantage of my hospitality to the point where she would sit in the back garden until we had finished a meal and then knock on the door again to come in. I just couldn't put her off. We did later move house, not because of her but what a relief. She did kind of back off when I used to say I would see her tomorrow as I had a visitor. She got quite annoyed at this but at that stage I couldn't have cared less about her feelings. I was just glad to move and never make the same mistake again. I do tend to keep my distance now but am friendly terms with my neighbours.

If I go next door my neighbour immediately invites me in but if his wife is out he keeps me on the doorstep.

Not only are men naive, but very easily flattered. If only you could be seen to go out, then return at the back of the house and be there to actually answer the door yourself!

Some people are lonely, and that's why they want to visit other neighbours all the time, You can be kind where it fits in with your life, but now and then have to say sorry, that you are busy.
I agree with others that in no way should the OP mention anything to the female neighbour, but make sure her DH doesn't encourage this woman.

Why is your husband always in when you are out? Is he retired or disabled? If not, perhaps you could persuade him to do some shopping, and then pop round to her and see if she invites you in. Better still if her husband is in on his own! I think you need to be subtle here if you can, but put a stop to it straight away.

I think I would probably ask her husband if I had offended her in some way, as she always seems to wait until I am out before calling round ...

If it walks like a duck, and looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a duck. This woman is after your husband. Talk to her and warn her off good and proper.

Jinty that's brilliant - you have a devious streak!

On return from your next shopping trip etc. why don't you "pop" in on the husband next door under the pretext that you'd like to talk to the wife. When he says she's out just say you'll wait and would love a cuppa (after all that shopping). I'd love to see her face when she returns to see you having a cosy chat with her hubby!

Also, where DOES her husband think she is when she's visiting yours? or is he just glad to get rid of her for a while?

Oh there's "now't so queer as folk".

I've also remembered how I dealt with an amorous female colleague of my husbands once. She asked me if I minded her always greeting him with a hug and a kiss. I told her he had always been a lady magnet but was so chivalrous he didn't have the heart to reject any woman - no matter how old or ugly. That certainly put a spanner in her works and she kept well away thereafter - ha ha!

Whatnot I am sorry you are worried especially as you tried to be friendly and neighbourly when they moved in. Would it be best to be open and straightforward with your husband? He may not realise how potentially damaging situations can arise. Is it time to have a heart to heart with him?

She could be a maneater or she could just be a new neighbour who wants to be friendly, but it seems very odd that she visits when you are out! Does she bring her own wine or does your DH provide it? You could mention to him how the wine seems to be going down very quickly. Are they drinking in the daytime? Men can have their heads turned so easily.

I remember many years ago my DH's secretary seemed to be very friendly and she did things that I had neglected to do because I was so busy with work, children, elderly parents etc, eg she baked him a lovely birthday cake for his 50th, she arranged a lovely treat for his birthday (more than I could afford!) etc. I got very jealous, but in fact she was - is - just a very lovely person and would have been horrified at the suggestion that there was more to it! Both she and her husband became our very good friends.

However, it does seem odd that this neighbour spends time with your DH but disappears when you arrive home. There are some good ideas on here - I particularly like Jinty's suggestion!

Some good advice so far . I would recommend also skipping the GYM class for a week and see if she comes when you are both there . I would be furious/jealous/hurt in your position , is your hubby daft or what? how would he feel if it was you and her husband?

I would try to speak to your husband and explain how upset this is rightly making you feel . The advice to invite them both is a good idea as her husband may be able to spot if his wife is making eyes or flirting with yours and he may put a stop to her visits.