32 Year Relationship Over

My sympathies kit
Did you perhaps marry quite young and part of your worry is that you have never lived alone? As someone else said,independance can be wonderful once you get used to it
And it doesn't sound to me that your marriage was actually that happy? I may be wrong and you thought it was. If so forgive me .But again you might be happier alone once you get used to it
Would echo seeing a solicitor and making sure you don't lose out financially

I went through hell 4 years ago when my 40 year marriage crumbled.... All at his instigation although he says it was a joint decision (not true). Our lovely house was eventually sold after 2 years and I bought my current little terraced home. My ex lives in an annexe in our sons property. Unbelievably we have become quite friendly over the last year. It's almost like the clock has turned back and he's reverted to the "nice" person I met all those years ago. He's always willing to come and do any little DIY jobs that need doing and in return I do him a meal and helped out recently when he had a cataract op. It's all really rather weird but nice too. In our case it's definately a fact that we can't live with each other, but can't live without each other.

Deni,I am glad you and OH have spoken,my OH is a private person and hates to be focus of attention or speak about himself.I also told him I was seeking support from GN.B was so ashamed of his "weakness",I also showed him a video on the male depression website how it affected partners and he honestly didnt see that, he thought he was protecting his family by pushing them away
I did lose trust in the relationship for a while,but we have worked on building that up again,and also worked together to help him get well again.
Good luck with your OH,if depression where a physical illness people would be able to see how much pain is suffered.wishing better times for you and your OH Denixxxxx

Hi, had chat with OH did tell him I'd posted on this site so feel better for that, he has made appointment for talk therapy so hopefully some pent up stress will get out. He said its definitely not me but the way everything is affecting him so I know where I stand, you sort of know deep down then doubt yourself. Read your post and I say 'Respect' wish you nothing but good for the future ?that goes for all who have been or going through tough times too, you never know what's behind the smile do you.

* Deni* it is true this is in the public arena,but sometimes the pain is so great that it is hard to know where to start in real life.I did star a thread in relationships in around october/November time it was called "sad",if this will help you.I found it helped by googling depression in men as they deal with depression in a different way,this helped explain some of the behaviour he was displaying,I also showed this to him as he didnt know what had hit him.I have suffered depression and thought all forms took the same shape,how wrong I was,the denial was the reason for the going out like your OH B was not a socialiser,it was a means of escaping the "walls closing in" and the voices telling him he was worthless,it wasnt me he was escaping from ,but himself.Our relationship took a similar turn to yours with arguments and a toxic atmosphere,made worse by my GD depression and low mood,we all needed to stand back and look at ourselves.I dont know what his future mental health holds but he is on medication which took a long time to kick in ,he still is very tired but now I am aware more that with out care this could re-occur,I have been on AD's for the last 10 years they help keep me on an even keel from reactive/clinical depression xx

Thanks for replying so quickly, I'm in the very same situation except for him going out he never liked socialising, he's been on different meds many years but is still depressed it never moves on. I don't know what to do or how! Been married 22 yrs my 2nd his first, work and fianance situation is bad too, has been for around 5yr but this is the worst time. Think maybe he wants to escape it all ..or maybe just me. We argue a lot saying things that hurt but it's hard to tell now what is the argument and what is plain truth. He was depressed when we met and I feel will still be if we part but maybe he will find new partners and activities to numb it all, seems wrong to put this down in writing publicly I feel I am betraying him/us, think Im scared I will make things worse, dont know if I would like him to write about us on a forum..maybe he has lol.. Will look for your post, thanks.

Deni my OH have been together for 12 years it is a equal relationship of respect and sharing,we have had a stressful year with several factors work and finance related when he started to become very tired and argumentative,I put it down to these factors.He has never been a person to go out,this happened he started to act completely out of character staying out with a workmate until early hours of morning,taking the dog for a walk in the dark around the village,I felt the relationship was breaking down everything seemed out of control,and I was losing my best friend and soulmate,it all came to a head and he stayed in the car one night after a row,I went to see him at work the next day and he admitted he didnt feel well,we made an urgent appointment for the GP who took one look and diagnosed depression and put him on several medications,he was so confused,he was hearing a voice telling him allsorts and his way of protecting me was to push me away and say he didnt want to be with me.He is slowly recovering and is more positive,unfortunately this fed in to two previous marriages that had broken down,my 2nd marriage was a 28 year relationship which had broken down and preceeded a tragic chain events not related ..if you read my post on the grief thread you will understand how these things dont actually leave you,you take them with you each time you move on .

Sorry downtoearth predictive txt ?

downtown earth how bad did you think things were and why?

Yes -life is strange-some lose a loving relationship in death-others in separation unfortunately.Is there something to be said for going back to those toddler/infant days on which the Sun never set I wonder?-although-come to think of it I was never satisfied then either as the toys always broke or became stale.

I had all those emotions you mention when me and my ex split after 26 years together. I can now say that it was the best thing that happened to me. I have met people and been places I would never have met or been. I found a job and gained promotion. I enjoy my independence. I like who I am now... Take each day as it comes and think positive...

Dear Kitspurr so sorry you have to start 2016 with such devastating news. This thread has a lot of participants sharing and giving good ideas. Do hope this has supported you to draw up a plan. Go to Citizens Advice and get a free half hour with a family law solicitor f you have not got one of your own. Get your gp's support and a referral for NHS counselling etc.

Enroll with the University of the 3rd Age they generally do classes as well as trips to the theatre, lunches out etc.

If there is a chance to learn assertiveness skills somewhere I think this might help you.
According to the Maoy Clinic USA
www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644?pg=2

Advantages of the ablity to be appropriately assertive are:

Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
Understand and recognize your feelings
Earn respect from others
Improve communication
Create win-win situations
Improve your decision-making skills
Create honest relationships
Gain more job satisfaction
Learning to be more assertive can also help you effectively express your feelings when communicating with others about issues.

All the very best to you Kitspurr may your future be good.

I'm so sorry; OH and I saw my MIL through a similar experience (father worked abroad coming home every other w/e), but always told OH that although there was someone else, he didn't intend to break up the marriage. All was well till we came back from our honeymoon and he expected us to pick up the pieces - we told him that it was his responsibiity to tell MIL the truth. He did, then disappeared. We've seen him once since that day (angry that he and girlfriend saw our baby once, and never showed any interest since). Eventually there was a divorce, but we had to support MIL a lot in the couple of years while their financial affairs were sorted, including spending almost 5 years living with her because she couldn't easily sell her house. There is life after marital breakdown and hope you come through this stronger & happier - give yourself a big hug and tell yourself you're better without him!

I don't think people realise the devastation which is caused when a long relationship ends, unless they have been through it. My husband suddenly ended a 30 year relationship 9 years ago. I advise you to take your time to deal with this, don't allow anyone to suggest you should "get over it" more quickly. This is a huge thing, and you will need a lot of support. The pain will get better, but the good thing is you will grow as a person over time. This is an opportunity for you to be the person you really want to be. Take care.

My relationship (17years) has also ended. It was a hard Christmas and New Year without my partner. Luckily, I have family and friends who have supported and guided me through these past four months of grief. I have good times/days and bad times/days when I wonder why me? We never argued over anything and everything was good between us. I now live in hope that a new man in the future will treasure me more than the last one has!

Be kind to yourself try to stay occupied and in time you might even look upon this happening as a new chapter in your life it happened to me after 27 years but I was the one who initiated the break up but I still felt bereft at times of what was gone.

You are stronger than you think. You will get through this and learn lots about yourself. Take support from all who offer it. I know this from experience, and you really do recover. Above all, stay positive.

I'm so sorry. I'm going through this at the moment but we are still living together (but separate lives). He will not leave-he expects me to. Bugger that (at least, not till I'm ready.)

I agree with a pp that he is using his guilt (or manipulativeness) to minimise his behaviour. Please don't get sidetracked by that, and see a solicitor right away.

Take whatever support you can. Friends, family, GP, counsellor, therapist. Keep talking and keep posting if it makes you feel better. Remember your life is about you now.

My first marriage ended after 13yrs. I lost weight, I began doing stupid things like driving down the MI to the next junction and crying in a layby, then driving home. I suppose I was wanting to get away from our marital home. I wrote a list of the silly things I was doing and took it the Dr's. His reply was that if you can make a list like that, you can also put everything right. No help at all. Lots of advice from well meaning friends and some not so well meaning friends.
But what did the trick for me was... I felt for weeks/months, I was living in black hole. Then one morning I awoke and it was as if the sun had come out and I could see my future in a much clearer light.

There will be lots of pain and hurt but take care of yourself. Weed out the people who just want to 'feast' on your pain from those who genuinely want to help you. This is a new chapter in your life and what ever that means, learn from it and one day, the sun will come out again, I'm sure.

Well, my relationship of 35 years is over but it is me who is instigating the break up. We are just not a couple any more, we have grown apart and our mindsets and interests are quite different. I am hoping against hope that our break up will be amicable, though presently my husband is experiencing all the hurt you describe. I have been unhappy for a very long time and have thought about what I am doing long and hard, but the fact that I am in the driving seat is difficult for my husband and also he has not had so long to process what is happening. I am guessing it is the same for you and your husband.
In my own circumstances, I can see no reason why, if we each acknowledge the end has come, that we cannot both move forward and each have a better life. I agree with HannahLoisLouise that you should do everything you can not to let proceedings sour the relationship with your husband and if you can, trust that he does want what is best for you both. I definitely want what is best of us both.

Hi Kitspur, my husband of 45 years did this to me just over 2 years ago, he had met a woman on line from the USA who he decided he wanted to have a relationship with. The shock was enormous, the hurt and pain almost unbearable, like you I reached out to the wonderful members on gransnet. They were brilliant, I know how much you hurt and how bewildered and frightened you feel but do take legal advice as soon as you can.
My divorce is still not finale it has taken a long time to get a satisfactory financial settlement sorted, I have managed to find a way to buy him out, so at 65 I can remain in my home. I started with CAB, as other gransnetters have suggested.
my best advice is, get your legal advice, take your time making decisions about your future, take each day as it comes, it is o.k. to cry, it is o.k. to be angry, you deserve far better than this betrayal. It really does get better but it takes time, I think this is worse than bereavement, when your partner dies, they are gone and you can grieve, but when they leave you, you can still see and talk to them they just don't want you anymore, the rejection is so cruel.
You will get through this, a big hug from me

So sorry this has happened. A very dear friend of mine has recently been in a similar position and from her experiences I can only join in saying do see a Solicitor, when his guilt at leaving starts to wane you really need to know how you stand. Lots of hugs.

Don't dwell on any criticisms by your ex, they may be made to alleviate the guilt he is feeling for hurting you.
Many of us have been in your shoes, remember ' what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' X

Imperfect21 nailed it. It is exactly like a bereavement. We had 33 years behind us and I now look on it as his moment of madness. We survived the storm but I am certain that if he dies first, I have already had a dress rehearsal of the pain I will go through. Your doctor is an important port of call. Mine told me as the stage when I thought it was all over, that it would take me two years to rebuild my life. Be very kind to yourself and also allow yourself to feel the anger. From your post it would appear that he is laying all the blame at your doorstep which is ridiculous as it takes two. Sending you a big virtual hug and lots of positive thoughts. You will be amazed at what you will achieve if you go out there and challenge yourself. I am nit the doormat I used to be!!!!!

Hi
I am really sorry to hear that your very long term relationship has ended and as has been mentioned previously you are now at the start of the natural grieving process. I am a qualified relationship therapist and have worked for nearly 20 years with individuals, couples and families who are suffering the effects of relationship breakdown and the potential pain and suffering evoked by these circumstances should never be underestimated. It is particularly difficult when, as in your situation, the decision has been made by your partner as it can leave the other partner (you, in this case) feeling helpless and hopeless. I guess be as prepared as you can be for a variety of emotions to ensue, with anger being a very natural part of the grief cycle and don't be afraid of seeking support from those you trust. It is natural to feel sad about telling people what has happened as verbalising it does confirm the reality, but just start with a chosen few and if it is too painful maybe a trusted friend could help you inform those you feel you need to tell. A visit to the GP seems a good idea and when you're ready maybe some counselling sessions. Your ex seems to suggest that it is your behaviour that is the reason for the breakdown of your relationship, just remember there are always 'unconscious collusions' in couple relationships and usually one partner can only behave in a certain way if the other partner 'allows' them to do so. Also your insight is correct your childhood certainly influences your adulthood and therapy would be exactly the right context to explore this. As part of my professional role I offer therapeutic group-work to women who are surviving divorce and separation and I am always impressed by their determination, strength and ability to support one another, so take heart you can get through this and there is hope for the future.