Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Talking would of course be the grown up thing to do, but she doesn't want to meet me.
I think I could cope with her massive tantrum, but I can't forgive that she's holding my grandchildren back as a sort of ransom. Whatever sin I committed to their mother, they are not to blame, and in a few years they will want to know who their mummies mum was/is. Am I to be erased from their lives entirely, all for a sin I know nothing about....

The sun's shining, it's a good day to walk off the blues :-)

OMG BohemianI am so sorry for what you have gone through. We are all in pain on this thread and I wish I could wave my wand and make it not hurt so much. It must have been a shock to you but glad that you did get to see what your GC looked like. If I were mad at my parents I would have had a conversation with them or shut my mouth. There were many times that I didn't agree with them or was ticked off. But being a mature adult in my 20's when I had children, It never ever entered my mind to cut off my parents and to withhold their GC from them.
I ask myself over and over why our EC can't have a conversation.Is it that they don't have coping skills and it's easier and safer for them to ignore us and run away than to engage? Or is it because we used to have control and now they are getting back at us? Or do they have silent expectations of us that we don't know about and didn't meet? I just wish each and everyone of our EC to someday have a light bulb that goes off in their brains and they wake up to what they have done before it's too late.

How awful for you Bohemian, have you no idea why you d will not see you. I cannot understand why if there is a problem, they cannot talk about it. Why sever contact. It is so cruel. Is it about having control? My daughter decided she doesn't want me in her life because I get on her nerves! She has done this to other family members too. It has gone on so long, she is not the girl I bought up, this new life she has where she has what she wants, is the one she has chosen, she doesn't want reminders of how she lived before. I have had to accept it, many nights I cry myself to sleep thinking of how things were, next day I just feel so wretched and it changes nothing. So try to make a new, different life, your d knows you love her and are there, as mine does, but at the end of the day they have the final say. ?

Oh boheminan that must have been very painful a good cry might help and so very normal. I wish I had words of comfort. ((((( hug))))

I occasionally come onto this thread to read of others in similar situations to myself, though of course no relationship can be exactly the same, just knowing I'm not the only Big Bad Granny in the pack somehow feels comforting.

My relationship with my three daughters is still on a knife edge. Two out of three are regularly in contact with me and we see each other when we can, I'm very happy about this. However, my eldest daughter still refuses to have anything to do with me and keeps my grandchildren's growing up wrapped in secrecy from me. My other daughters never speak of her or her family - which is probably for the best, it's still all too raw and painful - even after 5 years of non-contact with her and my grandchildren and particularly that I don't know what it was that upset her so badly.

However a raw scab's been picked tonight as there were recent photos of my eldest daughter and her children on Facebook, and it's opened a flood of pain in me to see them, I have no idea what my grandchildren look like - so it's all a shock. They're so beautiful. Anyway, I must 'pull myself together', 'get over it' and 'carry on'...

Sorry to hear all that sadness ucan61

It does seem Strange and v sad that she probably can't help her behaviour
At l e it e T turned to my sister a long while ago after she finished uni and we clashed but my sister was loyal to me, so t turned to my best friend her godmother, we are still fire do but definitely not best ones now. She had
S no children, and T enjoyed playing us off against each other.
However when T cut us out s I law rang them to cut them out also which shocked them.

SADLY they refused to help us in any way, we still an egg lot of T stuff in loft they refused take it over s d refused to go see her, write to her anything which we would have expected loving godparent to do. They did idolise her and were very good to her all her life.

I do understand you have to protect yourself, and how very sad that your ed dad died without reconciling, I really really get upset at that thought but have absolutely nothing I can do about it. Wasn't your daughter saddened by that?

Hi Celebgran, actually no I didn't want this split from my estranged DD. I would give anything to have all my DC back together and friends like they were when younger. I envy friends' families when they have lovely get togethers.
However for my own health and wellbeing I have accepted her choice to cut herself off, as have my other 2 DC. For years she stirred things up in the family, playing one off against the other. There was always someone out of favour. I can't remember a time in her adult life that she has been friends with all the family at once. She has also had lovely boyfriends but always finished with them after a few years.
She cut me out for a year and I asked her to make friends which she did but then she didn't speak to her Dad for 2 years - he died of heart attack not knowing what he'd done wrong. I had told her to make friends with him as he was a good Dad to them. (we'd split up because he had 2 affairs and were no longer in contact but he did love his DC) she hadn't had contact with my DS while he was an addict (fair enough as it is hard to keep a relationship going with an addict) but once he was clean she became best buddies with his new wife and together they tried to turn my DS against his family. she and my DiL bullied my youngest DD and she had to distance herself from them all. She loved her brother and was always there for him. Now none of them speak to each other. I do believe it is all because of her mental instability. She goes on antidepressants for a while and she behaves OK but then she decides she doesn't need them and all hell is let loose again.
The last text she sent me was to say,'
"You are a narcissistic mother and you and my sister are evil and it is no wonder your son wants nothing to do with you" I didn't reply.
My son and I get on really well - as we always have done.
I am getting on with my own life. She is now in contact with my sister - who she didn't bother with before - so my sister keeps me informed as to how DD is doing as, like I said I still love her and worry about her.

Hi can 61 no I don t feel like that, I would absolutely love to be able to talk to T again, I. Miss her dreadfully, stupid I know as she has discarded me without backward glance.

I realise 7 years a long time, but I still think of her most days and sometimes I just cry and cry like I can't bear it.
Not so often now as I do enjoy life.

Whe I have scare with rose. I long to be able tell myndaighter, or about my floater, knees etc. Or worry about her dad getting older, all these things as we used be so very close. I expect she must miss me to a certain extent,
It is bit different as you actually wanted to step back I believe ?

In my case I was absolutely devastated just after becoming gran M was only 9 months and I will never forget the.months of hell that followed,

Life goes on and I am A survivor,

The support from ladies on Here has been immeasurable it really helps.

Relief GD is picking up phew she has e joyed little chicken and we took her back to vets another antibiotic Jab and some tablets. Fingers crossed she turned a corner,

Rhinestone has a point Smilelss get yourself off and hav X-ray on foot,

Xx

Hi Smileless, I just read about the email Mr S sent to your ES. So sad. You'd think that once they themselves are parents they would understand how hurtful it would be to lose contact with a child. My DiL seems to get pleasure from hurting people.
Maybe she has Personality Disorder.
I hope your situation resolves one day. Maybe the email may make him think a bit about what he has lost and is depriving his children of.
Is he being controlled by his wife? This was the case with my DS.

Hi Celebgran, it is so sad what you have been through with your DD. I know the pain you must feel. I too am trying to concentrate on the good things in my life. I too have a lovely DH (not my kids' Dad) who is a great support and makes me see things from a more sensible perspective when I'm feeling down.
I keep busy all the time, I can't keep still since all this happened with my DD. So even when watching telly I am knitting or crocheting and when I go to bed I have to read before I can go to sleep - escape into someone else's world! I am devouring books!
Even though I am upset and angry at my DD I still worry about her and yet I feel relief at not having contact. It's a very confusing and unsettling time. Do you feel like that?

Thanks Smileless, you've made me feel a lot better because, yes I did always support my DS through his addiction along with youngest DD. We always kept communication open and helped him with lots of things - except money! The worst thing you can do is give a drug addict money! He was never a nasty addict, just led a quiet life getting from one day to the next. I am proud of him.

But yes, you're right, the way my eldest DD has behaved - even though to a certain extent I excuse her due to her mental illness - has made me feel vulnerable lose confidence as a mother. I avoid conversations where people are talking about their families/kids because I hate being asked about mine and feel such a failure sometimes because it feels like she despises me.

I am counting my blessings though, and youngest DD said yesterday that they won't be moving to NZ in the near future! Phew!
I feel so sad for you not being allowed to see your DGC. It is so cruel. I know we miss out on the early years but I do think one day they will be curious and seek us out themselves. I keep a pretty box where I put things in for the DGC I don't see. So one day hopefully she will know she was loved by Grandma.
Thanks again

Oh dear Yogagirl, it's hard isn't it - can't do right for doing wrong! All we want to do is love them and make them happy but sometimes it's all taken the wrong way. Modern life sometimes does my head in - so many do's and don't's!

Thanks Rhinestone, I'll have a think about that. I had thought of trying to make contact with my DiL to try to see baby bit thought better of it as she has a nasty streak and think she might use me to get at my DS. She was already telling their baby at 3 months that her Daddy doesn't love her and doesn't care about her - and that was when they were still together - albeit not getting on. She would always try to poison the child's mind against him and his family. DS doesn't cope well with stress and confrontation bit I hope given time he will make up his mind to do something about seeing his baby girl.

Celebgran When our dog ate grass she would come in the house and vomit. There was a supplement we bought at the pets tote that we have her and it stopped her from eating grass. I don't recall the name though.
Went to the lawyers with my daughter to seek out what we call a" collaborative divorce." Instead of lawyers making the decision the two adults make it with the lawyers. They bring in a mental health professional if needed. In my daughters case, because of her husband's addiction they would need to see one. He may not get overnight visits. It's a lot of money to do it this way but is supposed to be cheaper than the traditional go to court divorce and it's better for the children. We will see.
YogagirlDoes your DD not see the addiction of her husband? She's okay with it? It sounds lovely to eat by the sea. Enjoy it.
Smiless Are you sure you don't want to see a doctor about your foot? Who would have thought I would chip a bone getting into a boat? And they couldn't see it until the swelling went down. At least they could give you a brace to walk with.
Yesterday I tried to walk without mine but it is too soon. I can't wait to wear sandals again because I can adjust the straps.
Have a good day all!

Thanks yogsgirl And Smileless sooooo worrying at her Age
She is already on careful diet, chappie, chicken plain rich tea no other treats? Because of her pancreas gets inflamed.
She is very drowsy still from injection I got up 3 times. CHeck she ok this morning she finally had long drink but no food, just tiny piece biscuit.

It is a worry when we go on holiday on 13th??

Not sure got ring vets later.

Receptionist was t v helpful yesterday eeeeeek had insist on appt couldn't get to speak to vet who treated her day before.

Glad all ok Yogagirl with nd enjoy baby sit duty??no chocolate now.???

Smilelss how are this sunny morning.

I feel churned up cos of GD I know we wo t have her forever and all I can think is I want t to tell. t. No sense to my emotions,

Morning Girls

Sorry to hear GD is unwell Celebgran When Lilly was unwell I completely changed her diet. Used to give her Bakers country veg for breakfast/lunch, which I thought was the best, I changed it to Vet's Kitchen, four times the price, but it's made by a vet, so you can trust it's good for your dog. I also cut out the gravy I put with her dinner and it has really done the trick. With little dogs you have to be so very careful what they eat! Hope GD improves.

Scary situation with your s.i.l Rhinestone my s.i.l is a drug addict too, so I always worry about my GD.

Hope all's well with you Smileless and you're getting things sorted re move. Easter is an emotional time for us, where we would have been doing Easter egg hunts for our GC and having nice family time with our families.

All's well with me and my ND, she is coming over at 10am so I can look after baby whilst she goes to the hairdressers, we will then go down to the seaside and have some lunch, if the sun stays out.

for tonight, well it is Friday

oh dear back at vets poor GD sick and diarrhoea so at mo eat she so drowsy with painkiller and antibiotic jab such a worry, go back tomorrow If no improvement bless had no food all day unheard of.

Oh dear Celeb it really is one thing after another for you. Glad I made you laugh though. Perhaps little GD just has a thing for grass I mean we always associate grass eating by cats and dogs with illness but maybe she just really likes it.

Maybe you've been over compensating for your bad knee with your good one and that's why you've twisted it, you must take care, says she with the bad foot. We're not doing very well are we, you, me and Rhinestone. If the 3 of us tied ourselves together we might just make it to the finishing line of a 3 legged race.

I would have been prepared to have contact with ES's wife if he'd maintained his relationship with us and allowed us to know and love our grandchildren but I wouldn't now, not under any circumstances. I used to wonder which of the two of them was the worst, now I can see they're as bad as each other.

Smilelss that. Ade me laugh I too would love to spit in s I law face but I would pay lip service to getting on with him if meant seeing T s s little ones, as i type that do wonder if I really want T again shenhas been capable of al out destroying my dear husband and I and the pain is infinite no end ever.

I am rather fed up took GD to our lovely vet, does t think any serious inflammation said yes do flea treatment, she,had us up twice again last night eating grass,?Have try according to vet stop even the low fat treats.

We made theatre was ok dirty dancing but I felt awful. Ordered toastie and large glass wine (had fish chip lunch with my friends club first?And deserte?
Toastie came with chips omg, got get back on track 2lb has gone on over Easter.
And I twisted myngoodnkne one that has been great since treatment
Bring it on.
Chased fencing chap he hope ring with quote today and will do temporary thing as GD can now run into next door garden to play with cats??
Going collect new he aids today so hate wearing one let alone two but necessary could t get on with tiny ones pushed into ear canal.
Also not keen on audiologist is ns but private taken over so go to optician,
He really hurt my ear pushing tiny one in.

Sorrt have waffled on hear.

OMG Rhinestone how awful. I hope you get something sorted out with the lawyer, is there no way she can have him kept out of the home? Oooh I admire your self restraint, I dread to think what I'd do to him if he was married to my daughter.

To be honest, the thought of speaking to her never entered my mind. If I was ever that close to her I'd spit in her face; not if the children were there of course. She'd have lied to ES, not that that would bother me now and would probably coerce that dear innocent little boy into lying too, now that would seriously p.ss me off. Now why didn't I just type the full word, I mean it's obvious what I'm saying isn't it.

So yes, your prediction is correct Celeb and anyway hell will freeze over before i ever talk to her again.

Having a better day today thank goodness. Hope you've heard from your DD Yogagirl and will soon be seeing that lovely little GD again.

Mr. S. is cooking and I'm having someso if you're not having one at the moment, please join me. x

Meant daughter partner of course rhinestone

Gosh rhinestone that is scary I am so sorry you have that stress with your dad partner, such a worry,

Yes yes us spot on none of us should best ourselves up what's done is done, I am 100% certain I always did my best and loved her.

Enjoyed lunch glad I went, quick rest before evening outing.

Still not feeling great hate these bugs,

I wonder too Smilelss but expect your d I law would blank you and complain to your Es,

Onwards for us all to more positive life,

CelegranSometimes when we let go completely positive things can happen. I read some saying on Facebook yesterday something to the effect that bad things close many doors so new ones can open.
Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes as we all are human and have done that.

Smileless what would have happened if, when you saw your GC and his mom if you stopped and congratulated her on the new baby? Would she have ignored you? I bet the second your ES sees you are moving he gets on the phone to his brother. I actually think he is so brave as to not talk to you because there is a comfort in knowing you are down the street.
Would Mr. S be willing to put a deposit down on the new house now until your old one sells? Men aren't really chance takers like us women I think. I'm sure he struggles with the unknown.
I have had a cold and a cough for two weeks now. It's so annoying.
Tomorrow I go to the lawyer with my daughter. Her husband just spent almost $300 on weed on Friday and now wants some of her money to fix his brakes. He took his daughter who is 22 and was in town, to a pot dispensary and bought her a cookie and candy with weed in it. What a bonding experience! He won't stop drinking, smoking pot and then taking a sleeping pill. My DD found him putting water in a tub in the middle of the night. He didn't know what he was doing as he drank and took the sleeping pill. He was going to give my GD a bath he said. It was two in the morning and my GD was sleeping. This scares me so.

Thanks smileless I really must let go and put my emotional energy into those that do want me as per bel mooney advice,

Still feeling ugh, but my friend wants me go to ner fish chip lunch she runs friendship club, s d we have snow tonight, snow must go on??

Took GD vets saw lovely one got stop eve. Her half fat treats and see how goes, she let vet pick her Up and down for twice table. So good sign Caitlin the vets is lovely. 2 weeks today we jet off so bit anxious.

You are a love Celeb, thank you. You weren't silly for sending the Easter card, it's just so hard to let go and accept that they've gone and wont be coming back. It's been so hard, this past nearly 4 years, catching glimpses of our GS, watching him growing up from a distance.

Hopefully it wont be long before we get an offer and can be on our way. Hope you're feeling a little better today. Not long until you and I are off on our hols. We're away for 2 weeks, how long will you be away for? It'll be good to get away, always such a relief to out some geographical distance between us and to think we could be doing so permanently if we move; oh what joy.

Thanks yogsgirl that extra hug and kiss will comfort me in sad moments??

Rhinestone you are so right I wish there was a legal support for loving grandparents estranged but there isn't,

I did a for you yogsgirl in post that I must lost, as so sorry yesterday was sad for you

I did have few tears Sunday this virus I think and I also made mistake and picture of D was one. To public, my nephew asked. Me to change it, of course I did but I was upset as didn't realise how it happens, his wife sent me lovely message we feel very blessed to have them and little D