Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

In the last few years, if things go wrong, I question myself, did I inadvertently do or say the wrong thing, at times apologising when not my fault. I have had to accept that I am the person I am, the last thing I ever want is discord and I want the people I love happy. I cannot understand these people that just want control and to be right, their way or no way, it is so exhausting. If you can just back off to minimal contact, but leave the doors of communication open, I think that is better than estrangement, but sometimes no contact is the only way as a very last resort, because it can be a very lonely place.





seemingly hopeless situation ruin your life.

yes Luckylegs it can be a lonely place but I for one would rather be lonely than keep putting up with narsacistic children! Sometimes when threads fray you have to cut them yourself because they are beyond repair!

Yes yogsgirl welcome back from me I know how upsetting it is, the same names crop up to try and sabotage the thread at least this time Lucy from admin has recognised this.

To be fair there are always 2 sides in lots ways it helps near the Estranfed Childs version,

Personally I cannot understand the total lack of humanity in our ed to have 3 daughters herself yet not have common decency to let us her mum and dad even know how she is despite us pleading for information is fundamentally wrong.
If an estranged person can justify this cruelty just a card to say thanks for ordicnid, flowers, cheque and visit and say how she is. Would that have been impossible?

Jenty you not alone my post was removed yes it is one sided policing.

A certain band tried to grind us down but we made of stronger stuff

Well had great evening with friends yummy Chinese, this evening vist to social club with old friends and get tickets for next dance there,

Life pretty good??
Happy holiday all not forgetting rhinestone

Smilelss ???so sorry not one so and so turned up better luck next time, is so unsettling. For you.

Jenty, that was good advice from the counsellor.

Yogagirl, don't feel you have to be pushed off. Having said this, I signed on and left MN's within 12 hours. But only because I didn't want to read all the rants.

Luckygirl & Smileless, I hear what you're saying.

Wendysue, yes people can be irrational but I think it applies to us all at times.

If you read social history, you can see that the Western world is largely narcissistic. This is because we are 5 generations on from the last world war and when times are prosperous and freedom is plenty, people do expect more without necessarily having to think about it. That's why we live in the current age described as 'entitlement'. Everything is on offer yet nothing seems to be of value.
During war when everything is scarce, we have a very different set of values. We are far more grateful for a start. From this you can see how different generations have different expectations. For example, Uncle Harry being a pain in the neck mostly, difficult, grumpy and just plain old miserable was hard going. But if you had problems being bullied at school, he'd go and thump the bully. He was on your side. Thus we were brought to tolerate the flaws in relatives, (within reason) because ultimately, they had a good side too. Today, we're taught that life is all about the wants and needs of the individual so we can pick and choose who we want in our lives. Sadly, this won't work long term because we are creatures who only thrive in numbers so it's a trend that will only become apparent in later years. IE, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to go NC with mum because now I'm in my 50's and my children have left, I have no one'.
But they will find this out for themselves eventually.

From my days as a coach, the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. So if you've been ditched and cut off, and you know you've been a good parent, don't keep chasing your EC. Let them go. Otherwise you'll find yourself on the end of a slave and master relationship where you'll be forever walking on eggshells. This isn't a relationship. It's a control game.

You have to rediscover your independence and dust off your wings. Join new groups, make new friends, go away at weekends, start new hobbies and learn to enjoy life again.

This is the only way you can move forwards.

Luckylegs I did all that my best friend berated me for it but imse t sorry cards and she said you,have done nothing wrong I wouldn sat if you had, she ismthat sort of friend,

I did everything I possibly could apologised for I know not what and begged for chance to talk about it but it was complete waste of time, ed had made her decision,

Now I just feel thanks for people that do love and appreciate us and a line has drawn In the sand, I will always miss my ed as she was but the last 7 years can't be repeated.

I have to think of my health and my dear husbands ed has no interest in how we are not now she has taken all she wants from us, we have to face that. It is not pleasant. It no good being deluded. 7 years of ignored birthdays Xmas, Mother's Day Father's Day even her dad 70th yet still we kept trying how ridiculous was that? Yet for 3 years ed sent cards to her godparents knowing he sad that would make us, On the first Xmas she sent cards to all our friends but not us ?It was so cruel our close friends sent them back but we shouldn't have wasted so long trying we won't get that time back.

however to have life threatening illness and still not want us is wake up call.
No more time wasted,

Families are the original mafia complete with matriarchs and all the characters. There is a pecking order involved but there doesn't need to be if people communicate effectively.

Today's generations have learned that they are at liberty to question certain assumptions and behaviours in the family, which is good. But if it comes at the cost of the relationship plus fractures all other ties amongst the other family members, it's going wrong somewhere. EC are not learning to manage tricky relationships by cutting off good, but annoying parents. I think there is room for a fresh perspective and growth on all sides of the fence in this respect. But this can't happen if no one is talking.

Celebregran, as I have said, you have been through the toughest ordeal, cannot imagine how you coped, but somehow in all these situation you do. Even if you did make mistakes and who doesn't, it just does not warrant you bring treated as you have. But that is your daughters problem, if she wants you out of her life you have no alternative but to do that, just utter quiet from the family she cannot cope with at the moment. As I have found out you can only control how you respond to a situation. She could well be being controlled, but only she can break away, whatever has happened she knows you love her and the grandchildren, if she needs you one day she will come, up until then I would try not to talk about her and concentrate on the rest of your family and your husband. These things are hard to cope with but you two are solidly together, that counts for an awful lot.
To all those in a similar situation, keep strong and who knows what the future brings. More than anything I want my children happy, think they both are with their own families, keep telling myself that I must have got something right.
Enjoy your Holiday Monday everyone, I will be sorting out some bushes in the garden, sorry the viewings didn't happy Smileless, but Bank Holidays are always a bit tricky, you wait and see it will go when you least expect it, probably have two families after it.???

Celebregran, I didn't mean to imply you had done anything wrong, just that as human beings we are not perfect and do sometimes get something wrong, I know I do and have.?

You could say I am happily estranged from my sons partner. The positives are that son brings DGS to see us regularly. It was the lies and allegations that did it.
She would accuse of us things we hadn't done ; accuse us of things we never saidand even accused us of thoughts we never had, even so far as accusing my DH that he thought she was the same as son's ex wife (NO, they are vastly different). The look on DH's face was priceless. DS (quite righttly) doesn't believe her lies But that creates poblems between them because she has then accused US because they row and we were told it was our fault.

I think her logic is - we must admit to things we haven't done so she can get DS onside and turn him against us.

The bizarre thing is, although we haven't seen her for many months she will send round little 'gifts' like cake or chocolate. No idea why as she is obviously not prepared to have a talk with me. Prior to the 'gifts' we had a vile email saying she couldn't forgive us but doesn't explain what . DS gets no sense out of her. When I sent her a very low key email saying that we had always liked her and things had been fine until 6 months after DGS was born - her response was 'I haven't read your email'

So, dear ladies we have given up. Life is peaceful and we don't have to tread on eggshells any more.

It's impossible to have a rational conversation with her and I wouldn't even attempt that by myself as she wouldn't have a meltdown and make further wild accusations.
DS says she wouldn't talk to me anyway. After numerous attempts to establish what her problem is, he's given up
The sad thing is that DGS is growing up realising that mummy and nan don't see each other and neither we do now have contact with the other grandparents with whom we enjoyed a good relationship.

In other words this young woman has driven a bus though a little family unit that had so much potential.

Just to add....

The last straw that broke the camels back was when she came to collect DGS from our house last summer. She refused to come in and where DGS usually would run straight to the front door to greet her, he stayed in the lounge. We both kept calling him until he reluctanly appeared. She reported to DS later that I had withheld him in the house and wouldn't let him ou!!
We discovered the THRUTH later - he'd been scribbling on the arm of the sofa with a stray crayon he'd found as I was on my way to open the front door! That's why he was reluctant to run to mummy, he was enjoying his scribble. The sofa was booked for a steam clean the following day, so no big deal.

Thanks luckylegs no worries I totally get what you saying.
yes ed knows we love her and here if she needs us.

We definitely trying hard get over latest huge set back.

Back to garden dear husand just cut through hedge cutter??

I like biddy holly he was killed whe. I was only about 3 but love his music

It does t after anymore sums up how feel about doing "done all I can and now am sick of trying". Wasted too many dats and nights she goes her way and we go ours now ad. Forever till the end of time " tra la ???

Buddy holly?????

Omg iPad gets worse song "I love is it doesn t matter anymore"!

Year we were cut off 2009 Michael Jackson died and his song one day in your life was so painful to me, but now I realise that is not ever going to happen and have moved on in my mind ????

Fairydoll it sounds to me like your dil is jealous of the relationship between you and your son and is trying to cause a bit of friction there..

Celebgran 2009 was a terrible year for me to...I lost my dh suddenly and had two major operations and a breakdown and was cut off from my younger daughter all within the space of a year ? and Im still here to tell the tale ?? ?

Jenty, that is terrible to have lost your dh and to have major surgery, not once but twice, then you daughter to cut off all within a year. I wonder if your daughter couldn't cope with the shock of it all, losing her dad suddenly then you being so very ill. No help to you of course, but could she have had some sort of melt down. Perhaps one day she will see things more clearly and come back to you, I hope so. How is your health now?

still suffering with my health issues but I just keep plodding on...case of having to...

Welcome back Yogagirl*good to see you back where you belong.

Reading through the most recent posts, it's good to see such thoughtful and well constructed comments. It made me think of this thread as an oasis in a desert, where we can come and drink the much needed waters of support and compassion when we are dying of thirst for them.

It's really good to see you posting Fairydoll. I know you left this thread because of the unpleasantness at the time and we have exchanged a few pm's since then. I love what you said "this young woman has driven a bus through a little family unit that had so much potential" describes our situation to a 'T'.

Jenty you've been through so muchI do hope your health issues improve, you're a fine example of courage and determination.

Now, hold on to your hats ladies ... I have news. One of the couples who didn't turn up on Saturday went to see it yesterday afternoon and put in an offer. It as a bit low and we weren't overwhelmed and told the estate agent it wasn't enough. She 'phoned this morning and said they couldn't raise anymore so we agreed to sell.

We were on our way to look at the 3 we'd short listed, just from the outside. One has been sold subject to contract and the second, the one I'd set my heart on before, was unlockedso we tentatively walked in, calling out to see if there was anyone there but it was empty. A bit weird but we thought we might as well have a good look around and Mr. S. agreed that 'this is the one'. So dear friends it looks as if we're on our way.

I'm so happy I could cry, well I have cried actually. Once the emotional and practical upheaval of packing up and leaving has taken place, I know we'll find peace again in our new home. We'll take the love and the happy memories with us and leave some of the pain and misery behind. We'll never be totally free of it I know but at least we wont run the risk of seeing it every time we leave our home.

Thank you all for your support. Have ato celebrate with me and Mr. S.

Jenty61

I can really emphasis with you. My sons partner ramped up the nastiness not long after I was discharged from hospital after nearly dying from pneumococcal meningitis. You just can't figure her mindset. She contacted me five days after I came out of hospital asking me if I was still going to order things for a forthcoming family event. i was bedridden and using a frame to get to the loo!! Completely lacks empathy. I am still recovering a year down the line.

Middle cooking tea but had to say eureka that's great news smileless ?Is on the go and reckon ??called for so pleased for you xx

Jenty ?You make me feel quite humble moaning away and I have dh and my health apart from arthritis and high bp so very it all came t once,my lost my beloved f I law too just,before we were cut off. Just taken pot plants I set up to his grave I. Miss him very much.

SmilelessThe real estate gods must be with the two of us.We sold our in laws house after over two years and now you. Wonderful news. Cheers to you and Hubbie on making a new start.

Congrats Smileles, both on the sale and on finding your new home!

Yay for you, too, Rhinestone cuz you finally sold your ILs' house! I know that must be a load off your mind!

Yoga, good to see you back if only for a moment!

"Anyone coming onto this thread for the first time would think [rightly so] that this is a 'support page for AC who have cut their mothers out of their lives & that of their C, their mothers GC' without giving a reason^ and can freely vilify her on here, getting congratulated for it and being told 'you are doing the right thing, well done'"

True, but only on a few pages. Anyone who looks through the whole thread will see that it's mostly about supporting "family members who have been cut out of loved ones lives" and that most of the posters seeking and receiving comfort, praise, etc. are EPs/EGPs.

Nina, yes, most of us are irrational some of the time, but not, IMO, to the extend that notanan described.

"...maybe it wasn't such a good idea to go NC with mum because now I'm in my 50's and my children have left, I have no one'. "

Nina, I see what you're saying. But in another view, isn't it sort of like saying, "better to be with any guy than alone?" Many women have learned that it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship (and men, too, I'm certain, vice versa). Perhaps the same is true with some parents/AC?

Of course, there's also the option of going LC with someone, instead of NC. That way one hasn't totally burned one's bridges, etc. But I understand that LC doesn't work for everyone, FWIW.

However, the thread does say "family members

Fairydoll, your DIL's behavior sounds a little erratic to me. She doesn't join you people for visits but sometimes sends a little cake or something? Maybe she's a bit conflicted about what she's doing?

Whatever, IMO, you are better off just seeing DS and GS. Whatever is going on with DIL, her presence would only add tension.

Jenty, my heart so goes out to you! All those blows, one after another! You are truly a strong person! I think Luckylegs may be right, though, that some AC can't deal with the illness and/or death of their parents. Still, it's so sad.

It's also possible, Fairydoll, that your DIL has trouble dealing w/ illness in other people. Or maybe, as you say, she lacks empathy. Again, you are better off, IMO, the further she stays away from you.

Celeb, I think a lot of what you and DH did is par for the course for many EPs and a process you had to go through to get to the point where you could let go.

"however to have life threatening illness and still not want us is wake up call.
No more time wasted."

Yeah, I think that said it all. Even IF she's being controlled, all you can do is back away and move on with your life, unless she reaches out to you. Glad to hear you still have fun with friends and so forth!

I'm going to leave this thread now because I find that having made huge progress recovering from estrangement, it doesn't do me any good to spend too long dwelling on the topic. I no longer see myself as estranged. Instead I prefer to see myself as being blessed in lots of other ways. I've just finished reading a book, The Shellseekers by Rosamund Pilcher it's a novel about how we make our own family with those people who serendipitously turn up in our lives rather than agonise over the family we've been given. I've got plenty of other 'family' in my life so I'm lucky. A worthwhile read!

Wishing you all the best, Nina xxxx

Thanks Nina! Same to you!