Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Yogagirl ???????????happy birthday !

Rhinestone is right forgive yourself, no normal caring family would hold grudges for so long we all make mistakes show me someone who is perfect? They don't exist, and please dont carry round a burden of guilt.

I too start the what if, what if I had never told T I had read the texts running me Down, and to be honest will always regret doing that, but I did and I can't turn back time. I am me and to be honest I am quite proud of how I cared for my mum and father in law so I really don't think I am this nasty aggressive, violent crazy person T Said I was. I do t think for a. Minute she really believes that either. She has been manipulated like bel mooney said.

So glad christening was marvellous, and I can Imagine your thoughts were of loved ones who should be there. Glad it didn't spoil it for you.

Smilelss how is the poorly cat?

Well our housemaid what's wants go wrong next? Gas fire not wOrking?My posh soft close loo seat has broken cracked?Computer is dying likewise Hoover. Mmmmm bring it on! Can help thinking of old bathroom suite which was aboutm25 years old and going strong, already had. NEw showed light now lo seat, only 3 heads old!

Oh ladies and my hearing retest, nice chap in small opticians locally. Going update hearing aid for smaller one and recko s I would benefit from 2 ?? quite a shock and not keen but hey ho I am Turning. Into proper old fogey.??

Oh dear. my iPad typing gets worse, wait til get posh. New computer!
Meant 3 years and our house is jinxed for stuff going wrong at moment.
At least we still breathing unlike Terry wogan, that was sad news.

Smilelss bless you my knees vary from agony to bearable just?

I have been acquacise a s swam 20 lengths and been shopping for new loo seat, computer and purchased a posh Hoover also v helpful chap at pic world bless him he was obviously due go home at 5 and we kept him not knowing til 5 15 he was sooo patient just shows you how kind some youngsters are.
Even photocopied spec of one I like so can compare.??

Thanks Yoga and others. To give you more background, my mum left of her own free will. My father got custody of myself and my sibling. We didn't see much of her after. Clearly the marriage had broken down badly enough for her to need to get away. I was somewhere in my mid/late 30s when I cut her off and already knew the story of why she left. But as I said previously I never held that against her. What I did judge her for was her behaviour throughout the years since. Long before I actually cut her off I had already 'made peace' with my decision, that if I cut her off I would never hear from her again and that yes, she would die and I would probably not even be told about it. I had completely accepted this would be the outcome. Cutting her off was something I only did after a couple of decades of serious thought. I have no questions regarding what went before, she behaved how she behaved because that's how she was. I never judged her for leaving us as kids, what I judged her for were the numerous occasions throughout my adult life when she had opportunity to make amends but only hurt me. Things that give an insight into her character are my wedding. Myself and my fiance paid for the wedding but my mum wanted to dictate that we had the wedding in a tiny chapel near her house (an area with no other family she'd only recently moved to & we had no links to - in the middle of nowhere. We live in a city where 90% of the wedding guests were coming from. It just didn't make sense carting everyone miles to a place no-one else had a link to except her. Despite us opening a bank account & paying in 10k that she could spend doing 'the mother thing' with flowers etc, she refused to get involved. On my wedding day she was very sour. It was acutely painful for her. When I was away on honeymoon in the Caribbean, I phoned her all excited to tell her I'd just had a ride around the coral reef in a submarine & she sounded happy & excited for me. Yet when I got home & my husband carried me over the threshold, there was a letter from her on the mat saying my wedding day had been 'the worst day of her life & that I had my nan to thank she bothered to turn up at all!' - an horrendous welcome home letter! I was devasted. She was angry I had 'ridden roughshod over her wishes'. In my book, whose wedding was it? Then there was the time I was in early labour with my 2nd child, she was up for the weekend. I begged her not to go home but to stay with me for the birth. She left. She was halfway down the motorway when I phoned her to say I was leaving for hospital. She didn't turn around and come back. I was gutted. There was nothing special she had to get home for and even if there was, I think your daughter giving birth trumps anything else! Her house has a cold ambience & it took me years to realise, it wasn't just the furnishings I didn't fancy much, it was the lack of loving atmosphere that killed it for me. I suffered a lot of neglect as a child. I often had to starve for 2-3 days as it wasn't safe to eat, something that left me with lifelong food issues (that I've done very well to manage). On the odd occasions she did take me & my sibling out she should have seen we looked malnourished. I look back on photographs of that time now as a mother myself and am horrified at the pathetic skeleton in dresses that I was. Where was the love? The nurture? It is the job of every mother to unconditionally nurture her child. Through my young adult years my mum was often pissed off with my happiness. When I first worked I used to come home on a high because I'd had such a great time. She would snap at me 'It's not like that in the real world' - but it was my real world. It was a real job with real responsibilities. As a 19/20yo she used to get me to do housework etc, fair enough, but she used to pass it off to my step-dad as her own work. I never knew this until she got caught out one night when she wanted to go out & he didn't want her to go. She said 'why not, the ironing's done?' & he said 'Ahh but, you didn't do it did you?' Then he proceeded to tell her he could always tell who'd done the ironing because we both did it differently. The lowest moment came for me at 21. On her account I almost killed myself, it was a miracle my life was saved. She was angry with me I'd walked away from university (I was pushed into a subject I had no apptitude for & was struggling) It was the summer holidays and I had a good job so wasn't being a layabout. She got very angry with me over dinner and demanded to know what I was going to do with my life? I said (and this is my mantra to this day) 'all I want is to love and be loved, nothing else matters'. My poor little heart. She was incandescent with rage. That night I planned my suicide as if I couldn't have the only thing that mattered to me, love, then there was no point in living. I planned my death the following day. By a sheer, utter, miracle, next day, a co-worker of mine turned up to collect me for work (that had never happened before) and in doing so, saved my life. I never returned home again. It was the hardest thing in my life to continue being alive when you have fully committed to death. She has no idea this happened.
When my children were little I'd do everything I could to show them love and nurture. I would make bubblebath paddling pools in the back garden & bake fairy cakes for them. On one such summer afternoon, my mother looked at me incredulously in the kitchen & said 'You're SOOO nurturing' and I'm thinking 'Errr, actually this is f-ing normal'. I didn't say anything. After years of pondering is she really, truly, not on the same page as me at all? I decided to cut her off. She was pestering us to stay with her for Xmas and having avoided it for years I'd simply run out of excuses so I came clean. 'I didn't trust her with my children, I didn't want to be with her & to leave me alone'. Xmas with her & my step dad would have meant the golf-masters on tv, & just not having fun. I wanted xmas for my kids to be a riot of fun, noise, mess everywhere & chocolate all day long. Her neglect was subtle but wounded me all the same. I decided 'enough'. I'd decided years before I cut her off that when her time comes and she needs continuous keeping-an-eye-on like my mother in law, that I wouldn't be doing it. And that if she was in a neglectful care home I didn't care. I wouldn't be running up & down the motorway to help with anything. She'd not shown me the nurture, I owed her nothing. I've only told you a small part of my life here, there's so much more. But now you have the reasons I've cut her off. Despite my great anger that she couldn't show some patience & wait longer for a reply from me, I am still considering what to do. Not that I think she much deserves it. I am thinking 'do I want her in my life?' I had a look at her Facebook today for the first time & saw pictures of people I knew from over 25yrs ago. To be honest it made me feel very glad that I'd escaped that life and left it behind.

I should add, I have been totally honest with my kids from the beginning about my reasons for cutting granny off and now she's made contact directly with them, we had to have a talk about it. They have both said (one more strongly than the other) that they don't want her back in their lives.

I cannot believe what you have gone through, I just want to put my arms round you and hug you. You are still hurting inside despite cutting your mother off as you haven't really got closure on why she is as she is. She sound the worst sort of mother you could have had and is certainly not someone who would be loving to her grandchildren if she was in your life. To do all those selfish cruel things to her own daughter, how can anyone justify that. I know you will always mourn the mother you could have had, but you seem to be doing a great job with your own children, hopefully they will give you all the love she should have. I hope you have a smashing husband and that you see your sibling, do they feel the same as you? I don't see that you had much choice in the matter, you couldn't keep seeing someone so destructive, you have to put your own family first, you made a very hard but brave decision. Good luck.

Lucky legs that's good post, I too feel it does see. Pretty awful overthehill

To be fair the mother is going see it differently.

It just makes me incredulous that myndaighter discarded me, I was her total support and never ever knocked her back or refused to help her in any way.

Her wedding. Was a lovely day and I did all I could to help e courage and advise her if she asked for it. We chosenhernweddig dress together and I paid for it as I loved her so.

I was t allowed to be there when she has M our beloved Grandaughter she didn't want me to be but we drove 80mile round tip to be her first visitor .
They are wonderful memories

So sorry overthehill that you don't have them. It does seem unlikely
You will reconcile after those times she let you down so badly.

I too have accepted after y daughter involving police for absolutely no reason other than her husband wanted to relevant us contacting her, even interviewing us for sending a loving birthday and xmas card. However I still would t give up but am done now after 7 years of insults.

Only let her back into your life if she apologises and really seems to want to make it right is my opinion for what it is worth.
Do t set yourself up for more heartache.

On brighter note ???going to see M and little D this afternoon as find out all about the new baby's expected July ?

I will always be sad at how T rejected me until I draw my last breath but am determined to focus on those that still love and Want me.

It is the only way, I have been deleting files from old computer and astonished at the lovely letters I wrote so many over last 7 years every single one totally ignored. What a waste of my time emotions and effort.

Overthehilldandfaraway*I am so sorry for what you have gone through but glad that you had the sense to be that strong little girl who didn't do to her children what was done to her. We are all here to learn lessons in life and you learned how to NOT be like your mom. Have you ever expressed to your mom Why you are estranged from her? Did she ever have a chance prior to explain herself? She really doesn't deserve your ears on this but let her talk and then you tell her how you feel. Only then can you judge if you feel you want to continue your estrangement or not. Unfortunately just because someone has a baby does not make them a nurturing mom. Anyone with drug abuse, mental illness, alcoholism can have a child. No rules or regulations about that in this world. You were clearly neglected and have every right to be estranged. Only you can decide what's right for you.
It's weird because my husband and I gave our boys every vacation and opportunity WITHOUT any abuse growing up and they aren't speaking to us. Tomorrow is my DH birthday and I cringe when I think of how his heart will hurt. Glad we are still on vacation.

I don't think, however hard you try, you can ever really get over abandonment, whatever age you are. I know today I am finding it so hard just to carry on without my daughter and her family, I keep going because she was unhappy with me in her life and is better without me. I almost reach for the phone, but know it wouldn't sort anything, just bring more unhappiness to her and my darling granddaughter whom I love so much as she would just get volatile and shout again. What you cannot solve is if it is just one side that loves and wants a relationship to be met with complete indifference from the other side, so sometimes there is no solution. I do think in a lot of family breakdowns, the fault begins with a disfunctional or controlling partner, not so in my case, no one could make my daughter do what she doesn't want to, I think if it was I would find it easier to understand than just being told you just get on my nerves. As for the face book thing with Overthehill, I am afraid there little to be done, unless you could ban her getting her in touch as your children are so young but don't know if that us possible as I am not on Facebook. Your children as they get older won't be easily fooled as they know you are a loving mom who put them first.

It was good to read your posts Overthehill, we've all been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing and whether or not you'd made a decision.

To still be undecided with all that you've told us says so much about you. You've used your own experiences to be the mother your mother should have been; the kind of mother all mothers should be.

I don't do FB but as I understand it, you can block people you don't want to have access to yours so your children could do that if they want too. It seems as if they've made their decision and now it's for you to make yours and you must ultimately do what you believe is the best for you and your children, which I have no doubt you'll do.

Hope you had a great time this afternoon Celeb with M and little D. You didn't waste your time and emotions writing all of those letters, you were doing what you felt was the right thing to do and being true to yourself.

I know some of our friends question our stance of not writing to our ES and/or sending cards but I believe it's the best thing for us. On the rare occasions there has been contact in the last 3.5 years, his responses have been so vile that it's simply not worth giving him an opportunity to repeat any of it. I don't know if he's happier without us or not Luckylegs. We're not as happy as we could have/should have been but we are able to be happy again and we have to protect that.

Isn't it annoying when, one thing in the house breaks down there are always more just waiting to pack up too. They say don't they that things go in 3's and you've had your 3 Celeb; loo seat, hoover and computer. Well done for doing so many lengths; not bad for an old fogey.

Hope your night out went well Yogagirl and you won loads of cash.

Hope your DH enjoys his bday tomorrow Rhinestone, as you say it's probably a good job you're still on holiday as that might make it a little easier. How are those toes doing?

My little cat is OK, not brilliant but OK. Had both dogs bathed and groomed today so they look beautiful.

TGIF for us all.

I've had some experience of estrangement in the past so I can empathise with you all. I have had a little spat with my son over my D.i.L attitude to our family over Christmas. I'm hoping that it will sort itself out. I haven't tested the waters yet. It's his birthday next month so I'll let thing lie until then and keep my fingers crossed. What I really popped in to say was that I'm really impressed by the way you unfailingly support and comfort each other on this thread. There's never a harsh word(not one that I can see anyway) I hope I don't need you in the future (fingers crossed) but it's nice to know your here if I do. I honestly hope that some of your heartbreaks resolve. In the meantime keep up your kind support for each other. Xx

Thanks morethan2 we have become firm friends so that is a real plus to come out of our heartache !

I too had issues with my dear sons partner at Xmas very fond of her but then,act of effort was very hurtful and we had a Louisy Xmas to be honest.
had few words with so pn over another issue and skirted over the xmas thing. It was difficult to say least but we ok now, sometime best let stuff go as it only causes drama and no one benefits.

Well smilelss it was amazing afternoon, M showed us scan pics of 12 weeks she is 17 weeks now, so exciting, D was a sweetheart
My brother rang and arrived also so was happy family occasion.

Rhinestone glad foot is improving I too was worried about turning black.

Loo seat changed,??fitted also Hoover kinda sorted helpful manageress opened another box, brush. Missing also so she is going ring Hoover had other complaints to but we like how it works?My brother has ordered part for gas fire?Things coming together.

??for us all it is Friday.

Thanks smilelss goes not bad for old fogey seemed get about ok today after initial stiffness very ?About having 2 hearing aids,
.

What lovely little girls they are Celebregran. Know how much you and other posters love your animal and a few days ago I was sent the most fantastic You Tube video titled Antidepressant, it was lots lof different kittens and puppies trying to fit in small places. We had a cat that liked to go in a brown paper bag and be carried until her paws started tapping at the sides of the bag to be let out, she would immediately try to get in again. If I knew how to send the video to you I would, as haven't laughed so much for ages.

Gave a good weekend everyone, whatever you're doing.

Thank you so much Rhinestone Smileless & Celebgran for your good wishes. I had a lovely birthday, lovely evening at the Casino and a lovely lunch by the sea with my ND & baby GD yesterday . Hope your hubby has a good b/day today R glad your toes are not still black So pleased to hear your Sphinx cat is on the mend S You can rest easy now C 3 appliances broken means the rest are safe, as it always goes in 3s

When I was playing with baby GD yesterday, I jokingly said to her "I'd fight for you C", my ND said "you will never need to mum, I would never do to you what estD has done!, I'd never cut you out", but I'd already added to my statement "actually I wouldn't as fighting to stay in your loved ones lives doesn't work!"

I will be back to read Overthehill post after I've put some washing in and made a coffee...........

Overthehill yes you did have a sad childhood, some that have had a childhood like yours are amazed at how their parent is with their C, the parent's GC, as they are completely different; loving and nurturing to their GC, this then begins a new and better relationship between [in your case] Mother & Daughter.

Thank you Morethan2 I hope you sort it on your S b/day. Good luck

Celebgran I hope you haven't got rid of all your letter's to T! I've kept all mine, including the nasty ones from my GD stepdad & his mother, I've made a folder for both GC, so later on they can read them and know the truth. Lovely picture of D, how lovely to be shown the scan pic of the growing baby, won't be long till she/he's here, and July my baby GD will be one year old

Luckylegs I have seen similar video clips and yes they are funny & heartwarming. I have my yoga class at 3pm, normally we all sit and chat with a coffee afterwards, but I'm looking after baby whilst my ND goes out with her girlfriends for a bit of catch-up time, so I'll need to dash back for her.

& for the weekend girls

Thanks Yogagirl yes I am so excited about new baby.

M is such a lovely girl she is 6 months younger than T inwas worried had to be half hrujoate as we gnheod up with bank appt (Halifax has done no record of appt grrrr) then groceries, then taking stuff back ???.

M Was worried D would untidy place again as if we care 2 hoots.
Las night when having my shower I thought what about if M cut us off, like. T did I can't imagine that but why would i think it expect because of h badly we been hurt.

So glad you enjoyed lunch with little one and nd,

No I have printed most of letters off at some point there is a container up in loft and bottom drawer or recent stuff in dining room.

Seeing pictures of us with M from birth onwards makes me want to desperately try and salvage it all, but I know nothing I can do, it hurts.

Little GD up not til 8 but eating grass like yesterday little pickle she must have known we cancelled vets yesterday. Do hope she settles again still feeding fish or chicken and pasts, but had introduced her tress again.

Smilelss hope you have good weekend. ??to help.
Husband was bit down yesterday enjoyed visit tho and playing with D, expect when my brother arrived reminded him he not the grandad. Only guessing. We did have lot problems ref stuff going wrong could be that.

Barn dance tonight so rest later ??
Husband painting kitchen I hope if he feels ok.

Afternoon ladies. It's so nice to come on and see so many posts. I often wish there was another way of saying thank you, apart from just saying thank you as there are times when it just seems inadequate but, as that's the only option it'll just have to do so thank you morethan2 for such a lovely post.

As Celeb said, some lovely friendships have been made on this thread and they have become a silver lining in our clouds. I hope everything will be OK with your son. It would be great if you let us know how things go with his forthcoming bday. I'm sure you wont ever need us in the future morethan2, but if you ever do, we'll be here.

Wow, sounds like you had a fab bday Yogagirl I'm really pleased you had a good day. Our NS said a similar thing to me the day before we flew back from Oz, he said he wasn't like his brother and would never do to us what he's done. It means so much doesn't it, for a long time I felt I was living in fear, that we'd lose him too. Have a lovely time with your GD today and give her a hug from me.

Hope your DH is OK today Rhinestone and enjoying his bday. Hopefully you have some. When's your holiday over?

How's the painting going Celeb. I've got my cats booked in for a weeks holiday at the end of this month so I can start decorating. My study, the room they sleep in is the first to be done so I can't have them around until the paint fumes have died down. Mr. S. is 'ceilings guy'and I do all the rest. There's no doubt about it, he gets the better deal but then again I got the best one when he married me.

Hope GD's OK today. I noticed when my little chap had been chewing grass it made him sick. Is that why they do it do you think, so they can get rid of what ever's upsetting their little tummies?

I'm pleased it was only the letters on your computer you've got rid of Celeb. I've kept all the emails we've exchanged with ES and like Yogagirl they'll be left to our GS's so at least, if they want too, they'll be able to read the other side of the story. Another baby to love and hug in July; oooh how lovely.

I'll have to go on You Tube and see if I can find that video Luckylegs, it sounds great.

Have a nice Saturday everyone. Isn't this thread just GREAT.

There must be more care in my typing awful posts!

Stressful day bigmouth me moaned at lack of progress is second weekend!
Still ceiling done and walls started very similar colour blue ?

Gosh you have houseful pets smilelss and well done I used to decorate before dh retired well he still working one day bless him.

Better get offlline and dish up easy tea before getting ready for folk dance.

Happy Saturday all.

Reading these posts just, made me realize that although the ladies on here have been cut out of one child's life and their families, everyone has other family, a husband, siblings, niece or another child whose life they are involved in, although it cannot replace that loved one, if must help having the company of family to talk things through with and know they are important to someone else.

Hi Ladies- We just got home from Flirida three days early. The hospital called us Friday and told us mom was being discharged. Imagine that. No time to prepare, no talking to doctor or social worker ... just a call at 8 in the morning. After trying to find out how they could let out a still psychotic mental patient it comes down to insurance. ^ She's a model patient who doesn't meet the criteria of the insurance company snymore^ I tried to tell them the nurse just told me the night before that she told her she could blow up the hospital with her mind. That's not criteria? She's almost 87 years old. So DH and I came home and I will pick her up on Movday and don't know what to do. She had spent over $2500 dollars that I know of now running around shopping in her manic state. I never heard from my ES after I texted him about his grandmother.Then I texted him that I was shocked and disappointed about his lack of concern about her. Maybe I shouldn't have but I did. Hubby spent the day driving ten hours to come home after I had planned a wonderful day at a 60's car museum that he wanted to see in Florida. He's such a good sport. No neither his son nor mine called him to say Happy Birthday. His daughter did as well as mine and the DGC. But nothing from his sons children either. I had a hard time listening to his DD after the baloney she pulled not seeing her dad when she came in town and lied to him about why she couldn't see him only to show up at Aiden's birthday.
Well I'm going back to bed as its 4 in the morning here. I wish all of you a lovely Sunday .

I love your posts Celeb. Well it sounds as if your DH is getting on with the decorating. I think the kitchen is the worst room to do because it's the one room you just can't do without. I've got loads to do; the study, large kitchen, dining room and the living room so I'll just take it on room at a time until it's all done; should manage it all by the end of the year. Hope you enjoyed your folk dance; you're a proper pair of gadabouts aren't you.

Oh yes Luckylegs having family and friends to talk too is so important. It must be terrible if your only child or all your children cut you out. Having our DS's love has been invaluable; we know that we don't deserve to be treated the way we have been, if we were such terrible parents why would our DS want anything to do with us. I just don't know how parents who've lost their only child or all of their children cope, it doesn't bare thinking about.

Such a shame that you've had to cut your holiday short Rhinestoneand an even greater shame that your DH didn't hear from his children. I have to say I was ratherto learn that your mum was being discharged at such short notice, it must be very worrying for you. I don't think you did the wrong thing sending that second text to your son; his lack of concern for his ill and elderly grandmother is shocking and disappointing.

I bet you had a lovely day yesterday with your little GD Yogagirl, did you get loads of cuddles?

We managed to skype DS this afternoon, at long last. It's the first time since we got back from Oz. They've moved so it took a while for them to get their internet sorted. We've spoken on the 'phone but it's not the same. I felt quite emotional when his handsome face appeared on the screen. I miss him so much at the moment, I think it's because it's just been a few weeks since we were with him and it was so upsetting having to say goodbye and leave him so far away.

Just contemplating whether to go and wash my car, it's really quite dirty but there's a cold wind and it's going to rain later. Hope you all enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

Celebregran and Smileless I have caught the decorating bug off you, everything aches but I have finished painting the hall. Feel very proud of it and as soon as the muscles have recovered I am going to do my bedroom. I do cheat by not doing the ceilings though, they still look ok and I try not to look up. Rhinestone, it sounds as if your mom was discharged way to early and you and your husband must be at breaking point. Shame about your husbands birthday after his nice surprise was ruined, hopefully you can do it when things have settled a bit. As for not receiving a call from his son and yours to wish him Happy Birthday it is not good enough, bet you gave him an extra hug instead. Yoga girl your birthday sounded lovely, did you have a win at the Casino?

Today was our Miles 2nd birthday, a day after his grandpa's. We don't even know him. So sad.
I'm a wreck about mom being home tomorrow. I spent the day doing laundry so I didn't have to do that this week. Mom doesn't understand why they kept her three weeks longer than they had to. When I told her she was very ill she said she didn't want to talk about it. Such denial.
I don't know about the healthcare across the pond but our health care system throws you out whether you are well or not. The doctor gave mom a diagnosis of a Fixed delusion so that means nothing can be done and she can leave. If he said she was just delusional she would be seen as sick and have to stay. I forget that hospitals are a money making business.