Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Haitian divorce welcome first of all,

Yes it was me who posted that, but maybe not for reasons you are thinking.
It is just I have to let go as constant reaching out to ed and total silence for 7 years grinds the heart out of you.

My dr has advised stepping back as my best pressure is so hard to get down I have 24hr monitor at moment. I wake at night with dreadful panic attacks I remember the love we used to share and it eats me up. Her dad is 71 now and I need to focus on us and the life we have left. It is now what I wanted but I have no choice.

We don't wallow in our sadness we feel privileged to have wonderful son and his family and good friends and am very close to my twin we enjoy close relationship with his son and little Grandaughter.

We enjoy our life, I have accepted it will always hurt me but I try to deal with it.

It was not me that cut contact ed did that in a letter no mum would want to receive.
That hurts the most that she couldn't talk to me when I thought we were so close she told me pretty well everything. Friends said we were too close and it is not good have that friend relationship with daughter,

Sadly the timing of letter was only 3 months after losing beloved f I law and our little gd was 9 months, there are no words to describe the pain of never seeing her grow up or even allowed a photo.

In answer to you question I would never have estranged my own daughter because we didn't always get on.

HaitianDivorce, yes you're correct. It doesn't matter which side of the fence youre on be it estranged AC or cut off parent, it hurts. And yes, if it's an abusive, critical, put down relationship where you are made to feel bad, then yes, I agree, you have to remove yourself. My mum didn't want a relationship with me. Long story which I won't go into but she had me at 18, had to get married which was something her generation did, wasn't happy and basically I think she blamed me for being born. I'm OK with it, I don't blame her although she was wrong to blame me because it's never a child's fault. Mentally and emotionally, I've grown through the problem and am happy. But the legacy of estrangement has gone to the next generation with my daughter who disappears but then resurfaces. One of the arguments she uses both to hurt and to justify her own actions is 'there must be something wrong with you mum, your own mother doesn't want you'. Yes it hurts, it wears you down. But it is part of the controlling way in which any party will try and place you into a position where you are under the thumb. I've let my daughter go, I've had to. She had a crisis recently and I did the mum thing and emailed her to offer condolences and ask if she needed anything. I've sent a couple more follow up emails to check she's OK. One thing that annoys me is that she'll cut herself off, ignore my emails then tell people I show no interest. This is unfair, I love her very much. But when she won't talk and when she does email, all I get is a long list of all my faults and flaws, then it doesn't matter whether you are the estranged child or parent, you can't mentally be healthy if you are subjected to that kind of treatment. I have learned to accept the space and the void she leaves, fill it with more positive things and people, for all my apparent failings, I have no shortage of friends so I can't be that bad, and my life is good. I really miss the relationship we could have had but I've concluded that as long as she's OK, I'm OK. She won't let me see the little granddaughter either which I've accepted too. It is a form of bullying and it does feel like I'm being made to look like I'm the most awful person but at least when it all goes quiet we've all got peace. I hear the other side of the coin where parents have got their adult children back with them to live either because of relationship breakdown or debt. That's not easy either. I feel blessed. My children are OK, despite the breakdown, they have turned into good people. I have a lot to be grateful for so I'm pretty OK with things mostly. Just sad some days when I dwell a little too long on things like most people.

Whichever 'side of the fence' you are coming from the truth is that many,many people are hurting out there.
No two stories are the same, they are unique and personal to those concerned.
I have watched this develop over the last week, and if anything it shows that the feelings of hurt are so entrenched that it is difficult to see how to move forward.
Any adult child who has experienced abuse of course must protect themselves and their children. That is what parents do.
Being a grandparent is such a privilege, it is not a right.
Children must be allowed to live their lives to do what children do, to grow and to flourish, they must not be involved in any of this 'conflict.'
I am not going to comment on past posts, as it is pointless for all sorts of reasons, but whatever your views, this thread was for grandparents to be able to share their thoughts and feelings, yes some may have written things that they shouldn't, that is also not for me to comment on, but what is obvious that once communication has broken down it is very difficult to regain it.
Both parties have to protect themselves both physically and mentally, life is short and precious, to be eaten up with all of these emotions is not good for anyone.
It is the way it is, and for all our sakes we have to move forward, to focus all the good things in our lives, they are there it's just that sometimes we get so enveloped in the bad stuff it suffocates us.
Sometimes we all have to agree to disagree.

thats the most saddest thing of all that our children are stopping the contact with our grandchildren! its their own children who they hurting and they cant see it!

I came across this it may help some..
www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/information/what-are-grandparents-rights/

The only thing that bugs me about the whole estrangement is that our grandchildren were ripped away from us . If our EC don't want to see or speak to us that's fine. But don't keep the chikdren who ask for us and want to see us. That's abuse.

Hello HatianDivorce,

Yes, I can accept that for the sanity and mental wellbeing of all in the equation of our family dynamics (our daughter, her father, me and our son in law), we are better off non contact until each and everyone of us has accepted that non of us were perfect, each of us made mistakes, are able to forgive, learn from it, draw a line in the sand on the old relationship and rebuild a new one (if everyone in the relationship is up for it).

Just out of interest and this is not to judge, I am just interested, how do you broach the subject of non contact with your parents and/or in laws to your children and why they aren't seeing, in some cases, the whole side of their maternal and/or paternal family whichever the case ?

Hello all, I'm new here. I'm a mother of two, but no grandchildren yet. My family has sadly been blighted by estrangement over several generations and also by mental illness in various forms. I've been reading the thread with interest to try and get some insight into how members of the different generations see things. This phrase jumped out at me:

"That is my daughter I will always love her but I have to let her go Before she makes me ill."

It was Celebgran who posted it, but I got the impression she wasn't the only one who might feel this way.

I'd include myself in that, except in my case it's my mother who makes me feel this way. I wondered if anyone here who's estranged from a child has ever wondered if their children feel just like this too, and if anyone thinks that feeling like this is adequate justification in itself for estrangement?

GarlicCake I am not estranged from my daughter. She cuts off contact then comes back again. I don't cut the contact. She hasn't gone NC. Not the last time I checked anyway.

I will have to end tonights interrogation. My book and bed call. I hope you sleep well. Cheerio!

Passive aggressive for asking a question? That's a new one. Enjoy your movie. That sounds like a good idea! :-)

I am not estranged from three generations of my own family. My mum and daughter yes, but not my grandmother.

I beg your pardon. It's your mother who's estranged from your grandmother and from you; do I recall correctly?

It makes 3 generations, yes? Your mummy, you, and your daughter. An inter-generational pattern of triple-generational estrangement is interesting indeed. You should write a novel about it!

Does your DD get on OK with your DM, or has she stretched the pattern by one click?

Notanan, why are you on this thread about parents being cut off?

Probably the same reasons as you Nina, probably the same reason you as the estranged parent was on a MN thread about adults who chose NC, or are you the only one who is allowed to have a good reason to talk about it?

We could all be doing more productive things right now, I could be sorting out the pile of books that need to go to the charity shop, but I've got my legs up on DH and it's comfy and he's watching a movie that I'm not that into.. is that okay?

notanan

if you're so 'whole' why are you on this thread?

You win the passive-aggressive prize for the evening, Nina! Congratulations

I'm not answering the question because [a] it's illogical, and [b] you aren't hearing me.

I re-read the first 50 posts on your recommendation, Rosy. Nothing happened until this thread started responding ... to the OP, which was not about Gransnetters. I hardly think It's crackers is a violent attack.

But, seriously, while I dispute some people's misuse of the word "rehash", arguing about the relative sequence of posts on 2 related forums would be pointless rehashing. So have your 'win'.

Notanan, why are you on this thread about parents being cut off?

GarlicCake, I am not estranged from three generations of my own family. My mum and daughter yes, but not my grandmother. She thought I was ace.

Again I ask the question if you're so 'whole' why are you on this thread? I'm sorry if I'm not hearing you but it's a little hard to understand.

nina59 Thu 26-May-16 21:49:58
So Notanan and GarlicCake, you're both members of NM's active on the thread that copies posts from parents but you're on here too? If you've both gone NC, forgive my curiosity, but why?

*nina59 Thu 26-May-16 22:29:17
Er no Notanan. I think you told me off for not reading your life stories rather than asking about them.*

This is the kind of thing some AC are up against if they try to communicate with EPs.

If you're in a crisis, how many FB friends are going to appear on your doorstep?

Seven. They were fabulous

Yet if you've trashed your relationship with your mum, even if she is a pain, who are you going to call?

My "imaginary" friends It was my Mum's help that removed me from everything I knew and my support network. Thank god for imaginary friends, eh?

rehash ... etc

You really have a flawed understanding of what 'recovery' entails. As someone who claims to be estranged from three generations of her own family, it's faintly surprising to hear you still advocate "moving on" with minimal introspection. See where it gets you?

Er no Notanan. I think you told me off for not reading your life stories rather than asking about them. But now we've sorted all this out, should we just call it quits and move on? I'm really glad that you've got your life sorted and you're on the way up. That takes effort.

"the MN thread was not about Gransnetters. GN wasn't even on the radar until some of this thread's members saw the MN post and decided it was all about them ... then proceeded to exchange very unpleasant views on the Mumsnetters. This naturally provoked a reaction."

Garlic
Below is one of the very first posts following the OP. GN was very much on the radar from the off, and as I said created the "unpleasantness".

"There's a long-running 'estranged GPs' thread on Gransnet which is similarly chilling. In one breath, they'll be slagging off their unreasonable children and, in the next, they're banging on about how wonderful their life is without their children. It's crackers."

That's great Notanan. Life's about what makes you happy.

and, in order to read Oprah's story, as you suggest, wouldn't I have to go somewhere where it's been "rehashed"? why don't you tell Oprah that she shoulda just shut up and moved on rather than rehashing her life story?

I'm not minimizing your pain but don't stay a victim living your life out on forums rehashing your life stories

You describe how you can post on forums and also "get on with your life", but the people you are posting with are "living their lives out on forums"

Also, didn't you just ask Garlic and I to "rehash" our life stories, and now you're criticising us for doing so?

To all old friends on here hope you all ok. Please just scroll through all those other people's posts until you get to a person you want to communicate with and ignore the rest, I must say I don't even glance at them, so don't know what they are saying, let them talk amongst themselves
. Smileless it. looks as if things are on the move for you at last, I suppose with the viewing this weekend you will miss going to your caravan..
Speak with you over the weekend, those that are about at least.?

oh yes, we all trying to recruit others to go NC, because it's awesome fun! totall y recommend it. It's a true delight in life

You really think that?

I won't have anyone if I've cut off my mother? I didn't have a decent mother figure when I had her in my life. NC didn't change anything in that respect.

I do however have lovely inlaws, a lovely partner, great neighbours and friends. I'm not into facebook or otherways ciber linked to most of them, I have some of their email addresses for mailing pics of the kids if we can't meet in person for whatever reason but that's really it. I have their phone numbers mainly. You have quite a dystopian view of AC in general don't you? Why can't you view us (as a group) as people who do ordinary things like meet friends for lunch and do all the other "getting on with life" things you don't think we do?

I'm not missing anything good except what I never had, contact or no contact.

GarlicCake and Notanan, have read Oprah's story? Have you read Coco Chanel's story? Have you read Elie Saab's story? All of them have traumatic childhoods. I'm not minimizing your pain but don't stay a victim living your life out on forums rehashing your life stories.