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When is it oversensitivity?

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Imperfect27 Sun 24-Jan-16 09:03:12

Just pondering the DD/MIL dynamic and interested to know how other MIL have dealt with early and continued visits to their GC.

I went to pains to invite my MIL round and involve her as much as my own M when baby number one arrived. I told her often that she was welcome to come 'any time' - to ring and if I was at home, to come round for coffee / lunch /etc. She never took up the open invitation. She made it known that she wanted a definite day / time to call. Beyond this she would not visit. I cannot say how frustrating this was to me. I am a very 'open' and relaxed person and I felt she was being unnecessarily standoffish.

Doubtless some of you will sympathise with her take on things and reiterate that she was trying to exercise sensitivity and ensure she did not impose. But I could not have said more loudly and more clearly 'You are welcome ANYTIME.' I really tried to show her that I regarded her as important family ans I wanted her to have every opportunity to enjoy her GC.

Now my DGS has arrived and my daughter's MIL seems to be adopting the same stance as my own MIL did. I suspect in time she may feel she is not as bonded with the new baby as she is with her own daughter's children - also very local to her. But my daughter wants her to be involved and wants her to feel truly welcome. Her own daughter has said in my hearing 'She is itching to come round, but needs an invite.' She has had several, but barely visited.

I truly want to understand what it is that makes people unable to hear, trust or accept an open invitation. I am alive to the sensitivities of not wanting to impose, but I think I cannot be alone (with my own DD as further proof, it would seem) in feeling sad because I could not have done more to involve my own MIL with her GC right from the start.

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thatbags Tue 26-Jan-16 14:07:50

Thanks for the update. Good to hear that things are moving along okay smile

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Synonymous Tue 26-Jan-16 17:38:54

Imperfect Well done for taking such a thoughtful approach to all the issues surrounding the wiser family. smile It takes time to help in laws not to feel like outlaws and some of us are a bit sensitive and all of us are very different.

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Imperfect27 Tue 26-Jan-16 18:54:25

Aw thanks Synonymous blush, I am just glad and relieved - I had picked up that MIL hadn't visited much and when she did she hadn't got cuddles because she wouldn't risk waking the baby. I am aware even as M that I mustn't overdo my enthusiasm and I am trying my hardest to get things right so it must be really tricky for any MIL!

All in all a good day yesterday and I am relieved that MIL has now got a couple of 'awake' time cuddles in.

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Wendysue Wed 27-Jan-16 15:24:08

'She is itching to come round, but needs an invite.' She has had several, but barely visited.

This is a problem for me. If MIL wants to be invited, then why didn't she come even when she was invited several times? Is there a bigger issue going on here?

Or were those "several" invitations of the "come anytime" variety? Then it all gets back to the same issue - MIL doesn't think that kind of invite is/ fears that kind of invite isn't really an invite. I gotta admit, I'm the same way.

But I see that DD and SIL brought baby over to MIL and that she, in return, went over to visit them. Maybe she just needed that little nudge to feel comfortable.

I'm joining Smileless in saying kudos to you for handling the issue as delicately as you did. I get the DD's schedule isn't set enough now for her to plan any specific visit times. But then, maybe she should hold off until she can/let MIL know she'll make a specific invitation when she's more sure of her schedule (I realize that can take a while.) Or she should, perhaps, just make a specific date, anyhow. Perhaps the time won't turn out to be good but would it be any different if MIL just popped over and it wasn't a good time?

Just thinking out loud though. Probably you're better off not saying anymore. You gave DD some ideas, now she has to figure it out for herself. It's sweet of you to care about MIL, but she's not your responsibility.

Please just enjoy your new DGS/growing family! Congratulations!

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Imperfect27 Wed 27-Jan-16 18:10:15

Thanks Wendysue. It was that apparent contradiction that MIL was indeed 'itching to visit' and yet did not take up invitations. She did seem so reticent to 'impose' and I foresaw that this could set a negative pattern. But you are quite right - it is over to DD now smile.

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