Sad grandaughter

Lucky-girl I like the bench idea. One junior school I worked at had a bus stop but the bench sounds less obvious and easier for shy children to use.
A secondary academy had several pupils (volunteers) in Y7 wearing special ties to show that they were 'befrienders' for anyone finding themselves alone in the playground.

Just another thought I did have this problem with one year I taught where a group of about 5 girls seemed to spend most of their time either being totally friends or split into groups with one or more girl cut out of the group completely. The targeted girl was always changing, but for varying periods of time they were total outcasts. We did a lot of work with the class and small groups and I hope we resolved some of the issues. The parents were lovely and some couldn't believe how difficult their daughter was being. I think sometimes girls in a group behave much worse that they ever would on their own.

luckygirl what a lovely idea.

Good advice from trisher, but the head teacher should definitely be told too.
It's a heartbreaking problem, we've been through it.

Thank you Trisher, I will pass on that advice to my DiL.

At our local school they have a bench in the playground where children go and sit if they are on their own and want someone to play with. It is a rule that if someone is sitting there then you must go and help them. The person on playground duty makes sure of that. It sounds a bit crude but it does seem to work and fosters a sense of community.

Hi BBbevan this is, as has been said, very common. But the teacher and school should be doing something to try and help matters. When your DIL goes to see the teacher she should make sure she is clear about what she wants. I would suggest she asks:
1, What measures the class teacher has taken already
2. What she is doing to a) make the other girls aware that their behaviour is not acceptable
b) positively help your DGD build other friendships
c)ensure that all the class recognise that this behaviour is unacceptable and can be described as bullying
There are lots of ways to develop and nurture good relationships including games, role play, and discussion. Simply saying "find other friends" is not enough. She should ask for a regular report on the situation.

For anyone interested Margaret Atwood's book Cat's Eye has the best description of how girls behave I have ever read.

My son had a similar scenario when he started secondary school, something I didn't think happened with boys and it was upsetting.
The answer was to find new friends. He never was friendly with the old set again.
I would only change schools as a very last resort. I would encourage new friendships and to do things outside school. They are very fickle at that age, they may all be friends again next month.

My DiL is going into school after half term. If she doesn't get a good response from the class teacher then the Headmaster is next. How can it be right foe a little girl to face rejection every day?
If all else fails there may be a change of school next September

Any form of bullying is horrible, girls sometimes seek the friendship of older girls as their hormones and bodies change.

It also happens with boys but normally a few years later.

Body functions changes can be very confusing and the need to be able to discuss them with parents can be very difficult. Therefore there is a tendency to seek peers views, that sometimes result in younger friends suddenly being outside that circle, especially with girls.

What a shame. It does seem strange the 'former' best friend is still willing to be your GD's friend out of school. Do you think they've talked just between themselves about what's happening?

The trouble with changing schools is that there may well be another group of unpleasant girls there too. In some ways it might be better to try to help her cope as best she can where she is.

I so feel for you DGD! And for you and her parents, as well - it must be so hard to have to "watch" this going on.

I think a lot of good advice has been given here. I want to emphasize the idea of her joining extracurriculars - ones that none of her classmates go to, if possible - and making new friends there. They won't be at school with her, of course. But maybe she could get together with some of them on weekends and so forth. It may not make up for the loss of her school friends, but at least, she'll know she has friends/that she is still likable. To me, the worst part about this is the fact that a child can lose self esteem cuz of it, so that's why I'm saying this.

Unfortunately, though schools can stop bullying, they can't force people to be friendly and so forth. If it doesn't blow over by the end of the year, DGD's parents may want to consider changing DGD's school, if possible.

As for the mothers, I agree with you. Sadly, I've known mothers who openly go along with or even encourage this sort of thing. Either they're just glad it's not "their DD" who's the target or they did the same, themselves, when they were girls and think it's ok. Or maybe they don't have much control over their child and so don't want to deal. Some may try and their DDs just aren't listening, but others avoid the issue altogether. All the more reason, I think, for changing schools and getting away from these people.

My heart is with your DGD and I wish her all the best!

Maybe it's not involved for a nine year old but social media certainly doesn't help!

I hope that half term gives your granddaughter a break from it all. She needs, as has been said, love and distractions. Any possibility of a treat including her former best friend? I only suggest this as you said she is all right with her when the other girls aren't present.

One of my granddaughters had problems right through junior school. She didn't live very near the others and was usually out of the area with me at weekends. She wore trainers to the Y6 disco albeit with a nice dress, I'd have got her shoes if I'd known her mother hadn't.
It was better in the first few years of secondary school. Then there were other issues with boys ...

It really is unbearable to see your lovely granddaughter being excluded. It is cruel to be treated in such a way. Good job she has such a close and loving family, I agree with the other posters, it does seem a common scenario now. Feel sure your granddaughter will soon find another friend she can get do things with. Don't the parents of these other children realize how hurtful this behaviour is? Hope you are soon letting us know that things have worked out.?

I really blame the Mothers of the girls involved. They know exactly what is happening and don't care. I really hope the expression" what goes around comes around" is true. And the sooner the better.

It is really upsetting to see our grandchildren unhappy but I do think this is a very common scenario especially with girls . I agree with other posters and think Iam64`s ideas about joining out of school clubs seems a good idea to boost confidence and maybe make some nicer friends .

There is not much anyone can do to make these girls behave better but being extra loving and supportive to your granddaughter may help her to ride it out . Bullying has and always will be with us unfortunately . I do hope things improve soon xx

It's rotten isn't it, to see children hurt like this. It is a learning curve and I'm not sure I'd hope that the rift with the original friend isn't permanent because a child who can behave so badly may do so again. Does your granddaughter to any esteem building stuff outside school, gymnastics, swimming, art or drama groups? Distraction and excitement can help in these situations. I do hope she's ok

How hurtful and bewildering for your DGD. It sounds like the school is aware of the problem and is handling it, but only you as a family know how much it is affecting her. If you can re-assure her and make her feel good about herself that will help her to cope and maybe move on to new friendships. I hope the rift with her friend isn't permanent.

Really sorry for your DGD and family. Having a sad grandchild is worrying for you. My son (now an adult) had very few friends a t school and I worried constantly. He is now a confident father who had a nice group of friends and is a very different person to the shy child he was.

I know about bullying by exclusion and it is hurtful and unkind (although sometimes it is not mean the this way as children find other friends who interest them more) . Try and get DGD involved in other things where she can make other friends or, as others suggest if her friend is still nice when on their own why not get them together on their own. Hope your granddaughter is happier soon.

It is very common with girls and year5 tends to be the peak year for it.
I would do my best to encourage new friendships - invite to tea etc.

Good advice given here and I do feel for you grandaughter & how frustrating it is for family members to have to watch while this is going on, you sound like a very caring family I can remember a similar situation I had when I started my very first job group of girls who worked in my office decided to exclude me from lunch invitations etc & my sister who is a lot younger than me had same done to her at school it is very hurtful, as I said you have had some excellent advice here only thing I can offer could she join some club not related to school ( I was thinking something like judo or karate supposed to boost confidence) good luck sorry for long post

Glad the school addressed the bullying issue, but how hard for your DGD. It is a sad fact that girls do seems to be more prone / more vulnerable to this kind of behaviour and it is bewildering and hurtful for those on the receiving end.

What a lovely granny she has though and it sounds like you are a special family that will make her feel better about herself, rather than 'retaliate' which only ever makes the situation worse.

Synonymous is right - many children don't seem to have an emotionally secure foundation and in my experience it is most often the nice children that get treated unkindly by ones who feel they need to keep up / fit in with others, or lead the way at any cost.

Give your DGD a good sense of self, help her to rise above and beyond it and she will have good values and skills for life.

After my son had a meeting with the year head and class teacher the actual bullying, name calling, being mean etc was stopped. Ironically it was during Anti bullying week. Now she is ignored and not included.