Sad grandaughter

Poor thing. I think it is quite common for girls to suddenly turn on a friend. If she is otherwise secure I'd try not to worry too much. Chances are that next week they'll be best friends again.

Meantime, are there any activities out of school where your dgd could make new friends, or if she's still friends with the other girl in a one-to-one, could you arrange to perhaps enable them to play together outside school on their own?

I agree: it's horrible to see (cringes at memories of dd experiencing similar..).

She may not have done anything in the first place. I had a best friend at school suddenly drop me when I was about 12. It took me a while to realise that I had not done anything wrong or differently, she was just maturing faster than me.

Sounds like her original best friend may be the same. And is also influenced by others in the group.

I agree with her teacher that your DGD needs to try and find different friends and not keep chasing the original ones.

That must be upsetting for you and for her parents to think of her being excluded like this by people she'd always thought of as friends. I saw this happen with my DD, and it was terribly upsetting for me. There is very little anyone can do, apart from alert the school to the situation, as your DS and DiL have done.
It is entirely possible that in a week or so, things will change and she'll be back in favour with this friend. Children can be so fickle. It is horrible to be standing on the sidelines and watching helplessly though

I would want to know what else is going on in the class. I had to deal with this sort of thing when working in a Behaviour Team supporting schools. It's not good enough to just say "Find new friends". If the other girls is friendly outside school then there is almost certainly a third girl influencing this, and she needs to be stopped. It is bullying, and I would want to see the school's anti-bullying policy and know what sort of lessons they had on the subject. The class (all of them, not just the girls) need to be taught that deliberate unkindness is never acceptable and if they see it they should challenge it It's not easy within a class just to switch friends, and your DGD will probably have to put up with these classmates for another couple of years. Do not be fobbed off. Too many schools accept this kind of bullying.

Could you try having them all to yours for a really nice tea? Just to try to get her back in their 'good books'?

If that doesn't work then her mum should tell her not to bother with any of them. And then perhaps invite someone else from her class so as to start up a new friendship. Might be worth a try.

So sorry to read of this problem. As said earlier, it is unfortunately common with girls in this age group. I am glad your DS and DIL have alerted the teacher as they and teaching assistant can be sensitive and help to build DGD's sense of self-esteem which must be bruised at
present.

As a primary school teacher, I have to teach what constitutes 'bullying'. Sometimes children use this word when they mean they feel left out. It is tricky - we say any sustained /deliberately repeated behaviour that aims to isolate / exclude etc. is bullying. But sometimes in friendship circles it just does happen that children fall in and out of 'like' and can be very influenced by others, without meaning to be unkind.

I hope the teacher has looked into this as if bullying really is taking place , the school needs to respond with pastoral care and addressing the problem directly with all concerned.

Good teacher advice, not to chase the friendships, but so easier said than done.

Is there anyone else in the class that DIL could invite home to tea for your daughter to help make new friendships?

Glad she has a wide and loving circle of family and friends - ultimately, she will come through this and if she can be reassured that it is not because she is 'the problem', she will hopefully learn positives.

At 9 your GD is either in Y4 or Y5. Children this age are more than capable of being brought to understand the feelings of others, at least in a basic way.

Have the parents spoken to the HT about this? I would. And go with some positive suggestions such as a class lesson of the value of treating other children kindly and inclusively. Handled sensibly by a good teacher, and probably mentioning no names or specific examples, this might open the eyes of those who are treating your GD in this way. There are areas of the curriculum that this would slot into neatly.

Many schools run a Buddy system too and others give awards at assembly for various things, including acts of kindness.

So a visit to the HT and an enquiry if any of the above exist might be worthwhile. All schools I know would have a way if tackling this, as the welfare of their pupils should feature highly in their mission statement.

Really helpful and useful comments above.

In the past I have worked with youth groups, guides and brownies and have seen this behaviour many times. The girls are very much the worst for this type of behaviour.
The causes are varied but mainly it is because they are learning about relationships and how to manipulate others. If they don't have adequate parenting in that they have not had clear guidance on behaviour they can become very nasty.
They pick on someone/anyone for any reason/excuse that they can make up. It can be over something as silly as the 'wrong brand' of just about anything. The victim may even just have a pimple or a need to wear glasses. Granny may have made them a hand knitted jumper and it only needs the jealousy in one child for that to become a focus. There may be jealousy over a close friendship so they work at breaking that up. The friends of the victim then distance themselves as they don't want to be victimised and that escalates the situation. Often there is even a turning on the original friend they have managed to peel away so that their joining in with the perpetrators backfires. Sadly the original victim is often not grown up enough to forgive and put it down to experience and so that friendship is lost forever.

It can be difficult to sort out. Since DGD and her erstwhile best friend seem friendly enough on their own it would seem that a third party is very much involved so it may be retrievable. If DD knows the parents of DGD's friend a family lunch can help as it would give an opportunity to discuss the situation.
Suggestions about inviting potential friends to tea are a good idea too.
The school don't seem to have done very much so far so pushing them to treat it more seriously would be an idea as others have said.

I had three daughters and know this scenario well. It is tough, but it will pass. Trying to intervene in any way can exacerbate the situation. It does sound as though the ex best friend is under pressure from a gang of girls - I have seen this happen.

All you can do is to be a rock for her and keep trying to boost her self-esteem which will have taken a knock. And, as others have said, look for ways to broaden her friendship network.

It is so hard being a child sometimes - the law of the jungle seems to prevail.

After my son had a meeting with the year head and class teacher the actual bullying, name calling, being mean etc was stopped. Ironically it was during Anti bullying week. Now she is ignored and not included.

Glad the school addressed the bullying issue, but how hard for your DGD. It is a sad fact that girls do seems to be more prone / more vulnerable to this kind of behaviour and it is bewildering and hurtful for those on the receiving end.

What a lovely granny she has though and it sounds like you are a special family that will make her feel better about herself, rather than 'retaliate' which only ever makes the situation worse.

Synonymous is right - many children don't seem to have an emotionally secure foundation and in my experience it is most often the nice children that get treated unkindly by ones who feel they need to keep up / fit in with others, or lead the way at any cost.

Give your DGD a good sense of self, help her to rise above and beyond it and she will have good values and skills for life.

Good advice given here and I do feel for you grandaughter & how frustrating it is for family members to have to watch while this is going on, you sound like a very caring family I can remember a similar situation I had when I started my very first job group of girls who worked in my office decided to exclude me from lunch invitations etc & my sister who is a lot younger than me had same done to her at school it is very hurtful, as I said you have had some excellent advice here only thing I can offer could she join some club not related to school ( I was thinking something like judo or karate supposed to boost confidence) good luck sorry for long post

It is very common with girls and year5 tends to be the peak year for it.
I would do my best to encourage new friendships - invite to tea etc.

Really sorry for your DGD and family. Having a sad grandchild is worrying for you. My son (now an adult) had very few friends a t school and I worried constantly. He is now a confident father who had a nice group of friends and is a very different person to the shy child he was.

I know about bullying by exclusion and it is hurtful and unkind (although sometimes it is not mean the this way as children find other friends who interest them more) . Try and get DGD involved in other things where she can make other friends or, as others suggest if her friend is still nice when on their own why not get them together on their own. Hope your granddaughter is happier soon.

How hurtful and bewildering for your DGD. It sounds like the school is aware of the problem and is handling it, but only you as a family know how much it is affecting her. If you can re-assure her and make her feel good about herself that will help her to cope and maybe move on to new friendships. I hope the rift with her friend isn't permanent.

It's rotten isn't it, to see children hurt like this. It is a learning curve and I'm not sure I'd hope that the rift with the original friend isn't permanent because a child who can behave so badly may do so again. Does your granddaughter to any esteem building stuff outside school, gymnastics, swimming, art or drama groups? Distraction and excitement can help in these situations. I do hope she's ok

It is really upsetting to see our grandchildren unhappy but I do think this is a very common scenario especially with girls . I agree with other posters and think Iam64`s ideas about joining out of school clubs seems a good idea to boost confidence and maybe make some nicer friends .

There is not much anyone can do to make these girls behave better but being extra loving and supportive to your granddaughter may help her to ride it out . Bullying has and always will be with us unfortunately . I do hope things improve soon xx

I really blame the Mothers of the girls involved. They know exactly what is happening and don't care. I really hope the expression" what goes around comes around" is true. And the sooner the better.

It really is unbearable to see your lovely granddaughter being excluded. It is cruel to be treated in such a way. Good job she has such a close and loving family, I agree with the other posters, it does seem a common scenario now. Feel sure your granddaughter will soon find another friend she can get do things with. Don't the parents of these other children realize how hurtful this behaviour is? Hope you are soon letting us know that things have worked out.?

I hope that half term gives your granddaughter a break from it all. She needs, as has been said, love and distractions. Any possibility of a treat including her former best friend? I only suggest this as you said she is all right with her when the other girls aren't present.

One of my granddaughters had problems right through junior school. She didn't live very near the others and was usually out of the area with me at weekends. She wore trainers to the Y6 disco albeit with a nice dress, I'd have got her shoes if I'd known her mother hadn't.
It was better in the first few years of secondary school. Then there were other issues with boys ...

Maybe it's not involved for a nine year old but social media certainly doesn't help!

I so feel for you DGD! And for you and her parents, as well - it must be so hard to have to "watch" this going on.

I think a lot of good advice has been given here. I want to emphasize the idea of her joining extracurriculars - ones that none of her classmates go to, if possible - and making new friends there. They won't be at school with her, of course. But maybe she could get together with some of them on weekends and so forth. It may not make up for the loss of her school friends, but at least, she'll know she has friends/that she is still likable. To me, the worst part about this is the fact that a child can lose self esteem cuz of it, so that's why I'm saying this.

Unfortunately, though schools can stop bullying, they can't force people to be friendly and so forth. If it doesn't blow over by the end of the year, DGD's parents may want to consider changing DGD's school, if possible.

As for the mothers, I agree with you. Sadly, I've known mothers who openly go along with or even encourage this sort of thing. Either they're just glad it's not "their DD" who's the target or they did the same, themselves, when they were girls and think it's ok. Or maybe they don't have much control over their child and so don't want to deal. Some may try and their DDs just aren't listening, but others avoid the issue altogether. All the more reason, I think, for changing schools and getting away from these people.

My heart is with your DGD and I wish her all the best!

The trouble with changing schools is that there may well be another group of unpleasant girls there too. In some ways it might be better to try to help her cope as best she can where she is.

What a shame. It does seem strange the 'former' best friend is still willing to be your GD's friend out of school. Do you think they've talked just between themselves about what's happening?