10 days and counting

I wonder if Tanksalot if you were looking for approval
Did you expect something like
"way you go, off in your man cave camper van Good for you" ??
That way you wouldn't guilty!

I've known quite a few people like you, tanks, so it doesn't seem unusual to me. Your wife must know how you feel about other people's social events so why don't you just tell her you need a break and either go somewhere yourself with her blessing or, if she wants to come too, with her?

Seems simple enough to me. Just communicate. Does it really need to be a big issue?

Oh, and of she doesn't know how you feel about other people's social events, then it's bloody well time you told her!

Are you sure you're married?

maturefloosy: The situation exacerbates the difference between my wife and I. She doesn't see a problem (for herself). As long as she's with her family, nothing else matters......she doesn't need to know where she's going, who's going to be there, how long we're staying or anything else.

I care about EVERYTHING. I know I tend to be a "control freak", but I can't turn a knob and be a different person. If I could, I would!! I can take the situation for a while, but I've reached a breaking point. Right now I'm in the camper, alone, listening to the waves and typing. But, this will get old.....quick.

Although I dislike saying "I'd rather be alone than going out to dinner with the people I love", and I'm getting better at it. I KNOW that the words in quotes sound crazy, but it's the truth, and I can't change it. I'd LOVE to be different, but I haven't been able to find that "knob".

if

There's nothing wrong with preferring to be alone and if you've always been like that your wife should understand.

Why would you want to be different ? I presume your wife loves you with all your differences .
The situations you describe ie having no control or imput into where you are going with whom and for how long sounds truly awful to me .
You and your wife are not joined at the hip nor should be so take time to gather your self in the Camper van in perfect peace .
Maybe having a talk with your wife to explain (non accusatory) that you are finding it a bit much so need to take yourself off now and again , she may surprise you and be very understanding , good luck with it all !

tanksalot you have my sympathies now. Given how you feel, you've lasted a long time, so well done. Sometimes my husband hits a wall of tiredness and no matter what, he just can't raise his game. It used to anger frustrate me almost to the point of no return because it often happens when we're in company! Now I understand he can't help it and am much more relaxed about it happening.

Even if it frustrates them (and I'm not saying it does), your wife and daughter must know how you feel in this kind of situation. It's not as if you just arrived yesterday, plus it's clear you are 'joining in', even if it is often on a 1:1 basis. My concern was your are not getting to know your granddaughter, but that's not the case.

If I were you I would talk to your wife (and daughter?) and find out what is planned for the next few days. Your daughter and SiL will be showing you both off and introducing you to their friends and neighbours. They must be thrilled about you moving to be closer to them. You need to make sure that if you do go off on your own for a while that you're not going make things awkward for your daughter and SiL, especially if you and your wife are the guests of honour at some point.

Your wife is probably revelling in spending so much time with her daughter and granddaughter, especially when you've lived so far away until now. Hopefully things will be different when you move house. It's going to be a time of major change though for you and your wife, so it might take a while to settle down. Enjoy the ride!

I think the pen name you chose for yourself tanksalot says it all really.

I doubt that your wife will be surprised when you tell her how you feel or when you disappear for a short while. In actual fact I would be surprised to hear that you don't already do this now and again so I suppose if it works for you both to your mutual satisfaction and thereby ensures the wheels of your marriage don't come off then carry on.

How hard is it to ask "what's the itinerary for the next few days?" Or "do you guys mind if I have a short break / go walking/ fishing / whatever"? Then you would know what was being planned, they would know you'd like a break. You don't need to be included in every activity I'm sure.

I sympathise with tanksalot. Now I am older I like structure and admit I am selfish.I love to spend time with my DH. We live away from the five children, thirteen grandchildren and soon to be fourteen great grand children. We rent a cottage twice a year where they live and visit them all.In the interim period we meet some at a half way venue for picnics and fun.We face time so we keep up to date and Messenger for daily updates on new babies. This works for us and our family. Tanksalot you do need to communicate with your DH your views/wishes so that your wishes are taken into account as well.

Good grief, there was a lot of 'I' 'l' in your post. I can't believe everyone here is being so NICE to you.
You are visiting for 10 days a dear daughter, who only has one child ! You don't see all that much of them either.
Presumably they all go to bed early in the evenings so you have plenty of time to feel sorry for yourself.
You are not even in their house. You are probably having a lie in in the mornings as well.
I think you should suck it up. So what if you PREFER being alone. I would like to live in Buckingham Palace and be waited on hand and foot, and that's not going to happen.
You got married and it is a partnership. You are supposed to be a team. SHARING and COMPROMISE are part of being married. You are a selfish old curmudgeon who is used to getting his own way. You admit you are a control freak ( I bet you are)

Wait until the boot is on the other foot and you need your DD to help look after you. I bet she will have to stay for more than ten days, at your house, and possibly have to wipe your bum. What if she turns round and said as an excuse ' well I am not into wiping Bums? Or looking after dribbling old folks.' Will you ACCEPT that behaviour as a personality trait? I suspect, when it comes to your own comfort, you will expect them all to run around after you.

We had to stay with my in Laws for over two months when they got sick. We did it willingly as they had been kind to us. We didn't want to do it by any means but they are family. FAMILY.!!! We put them before ourselves.

As long as you accept a 'no show' from your DD and DW in the future when YOU need them, go ahead and leave. You will reap what you sow!

Maybe a little harshjaneayressister - but I think this is as much about feeling pushed out by his wife as the need for control.
As you are used to doing things together normally on your own - of your own choosing - - suddenly your wife is doing things with others that you do not find as emotionally fulfilling. No harm in that but I do think communication is the key here -- talk to your wife and tell her how you feel - - she maybe is so happy and involved with her daughter and grandchild she is not thinking out you or your feelings - - - maybe that last sentence says the problem. . .

PS by the way listening to the waves, typing alone in a camper sounds absolute bliss to me!!

I am weeping for you - how very hard done by you are! - sob, sob!

Yes, I think there's a lack of communication going on, too, tanksalot. DD and SIL should let you and DW know about plans in advance, I feel, and give you both the chance to opt out, as well. Also, I agree with the idea of your asking about the "itinerary" ahead of time.

In fact, you may want to let them know that you would like to know about plans in advance. Ok if DW doesn't mind not knowing, but ok, too, if you would like to know what's going on in your own life!

By the same token, I think you need to let DW know that you're planning to take off for a few days. It's not about whether she feels the same way, it's about her understanding, as I'm sure she does, that you're a little introverted and need some time to yourself, now and then.

No need to change the way you are - that's totally ok - just a need for more open communication.

Oh, but I hope you don't tend to argue with their plans if they tell you them. If you're in the habit of doing that, this may be why they don't give you advance notice. Opt out if you want to and if it's feasible, but don't try to get them to do things your way. If that's what you've done in the past, let them know you won't, anymore, and just need to know what's going on, so you can be prepared and so forth.

One other thought - Is there an end in sight? When are you and DW supposed to go home? If there's no set date, I think you need to talk to them all about setting one. You have a right to be able to be in your own home. And if you're going to get your home ready to sell and so forth, you and DW need to be there.

I think people are being rather heavy handed here. NellieM I think has hit the nail on the head. If op and his wife are moving to be closer to the family then they will see plenty of them in the future. Im one of those who find too much company too much at times. I do go OTT when I see the DGCs but it does wear off. I suggest op joins a fishing group when they move and will find companions who like nothing better than being alone in company.

Sorry for the sarcasm (lowest form of wit I know) but really there is much of the toddler in your response. Hold a conversation with your wife for goodness' sake - if she is gregarious and you are not, I cannot imagine that she has not noticed this sometime during your marriage.

Cut out the "I,I,I" and rejoice in the fact that she is having a lovely time with the family. What you are "enduring" is nothing compared with those sad GPs who have difficult relationships with their family and sometimes are not even allowed to see the GC at all.

I am sorry to say this, but your post really does sound totally self-indulgent. You are a grown adult - just say if you want a quiet evening rather than socializing.

This is definitely the complaint of a member of the affluent first world - you need to get it in perspective.

We need ethel on this thread!

But really, I never get the issue about "first world" complaints. If someone is part of the first world, they need to deal with the problems they face here. I understand about "perspective," but it makes no sense to me to be like, "Well, in the third world several generations often live together, so who cares if I'm away from home, my wife is ignoring me and I've lost some of my sense of control over my own life?!"

Extroverts like the OP's DW, DD and SIL (I suppose) tend to be energized by being around other people, fo my understanding. Introverts, to the contrary, tend to be drained by it and need time alone, if only to "refuel." I'm a little bit introverted, so I get it. Tanks, I think you have given a lot of yourself and I think you should make sure to get some time for yourself every day that you're there. Then maybe, it will be easier to go out for dinner and so forth.

But maybe you don't think your extroverted family understands - not even DW (?) - just like some of the posters here - and that's why you don't simply state that you need some private time? I get that DW "doesn't see a problem for herself." But does she get that it's a problem for you? Do you have her support here?

Different styles/personalities don't seem to be the only issue here though. You also seem to be feeling neglected by DW. Again, you may need to let her know that you would like some time for just the two of you. On the other hand, as posters have said, it may actually help if you get more involved with GD. Either along with DW or on your own. Maybe go with them to the park or, if that's not for you, play with her in the backyard, while DW takes a break. You may really enjoy yourself!

Thanks again for your candor. Allow me to share an interesting story:

Some time back (prior to GD) we were visiting "the kids" and I gave a long, impassioned speech to both kids about feeling like a sack of potatoes....not having any clue what was happening, with whom and where. Subsequent to the speech, we were all in one car driving to dinner at their friends house.
Literally 3 minutes before our arrival time our daughter piped up from the back seat and told us that we were meeting them at a restaurant, and there were 4 additional people!!!!! This kind of thing hardly fazes my wife, but drives me crazy!!

Every two years my wife's family rents a beach house for the WHOLE family. Approximately 25 -30 people in an 10-11 bedroom beach house. This, for me, is pure hell. In my mind it sounds wonderful, and I try to believe I'll really enjoy being around so many real nice people.
But it's totally overwhelming.
If you were a member of this family and "tanksalot" didn't come, what are the odds you'd truly understand and not be offended?? Or, if you hardly saw "tanksalot" at the beach house, wouldn't you wonder what was going on? Maybe not, and maybe I'm overly concerned with other people's opinions. But maybe I'm right. I honestly don't know....and I DO care.

The real problem for me (going back to the original topic) is the sudden change from being "head honcho" to feeling like an afterthought, with the complication of being surrounded by extroverts. I strongly dislike needing "alone time" as much as I do, but that's the reality.

I'm willing to bet that 95% of the posters here are grandMOTHERS, who totally identify with being enthralled with the GD, and don't understand or resent someone who feels otherwise. My GD is a wonderful, wonderful person, smart, happy, creative and a joy to be with. I honestly very much enjoy my time with her, and enjoy the trips to the park, drawing on the sidewalk etc.

My wife doesn't need "a break"; she's totally thrilled with her role and the opportunity to be with her GD 24/7.

Ok - I hear all you say - - what puzzles me is that you and your wife have been married for a while - yes? - and she must know you by now very well? - - so why is she not allowing for your need for some space alone?

I take it you have discussed this with her? -- and cannot think she is ignoring your feelings as she is totally happy with being with her daughter and GD - knowing how you feel?

If that is the case why are bothering to persist trying to conform to join in with them -- just take some hours out away doing whatever calms you and pick and choose what you join in with. If you know there is a trip out to a restaurant etc. ask questions about it the day before -- hour before -- whatever and if it doesn't suit how you feel just don't go - no rows, arguments, just say no but you all go and have a lovely time.

I don't think the 'head honcho ' to ' an afterthought' will gain many fans on here - as you can already see - - so sort out the real problem here and tackle it. You need to speak up and have conversations with them over thin gs that happen to find somewhere between 'head honcho' and 'afterthought' !!
95% ?? - - the clue is in the name - Gransnet - -

I understood "gransnet" to mean grandparentsnet. If it means grandmothers net then I've walked into a hornets nest. You mean my 95% guess was LOW!!??

I guess I persist in trying to join with them in order not to feel "different"; and not to disappoint them that I don't care to be with them.

Re: "I take it you have discussed this with her? -- and cannot think she is ignoring your feelings as she is totally happy with being with her daughter and GD - knowing how you feel?" .......She doesn't seem to want to spend much, or any alone time with me. Possibly since we're alone together for weeks on end, both at home and traveling, my feelings are secondary to her enchantment with being with our GD.

Re: "I don't think the 'head honcho ' to ' an afterthought' will gain many fans on here - as you can already see"......Maybe a few of the forum members will consider that my perceptions ARE my reality. The fact that there are many people who don't agree with me is something I can't change. I would hope that at least some of the people would understand, if not agree.

Tanks I believe Gransnet IS for grandads as well as grans, and there need to be more men on here to give their perspective. However, whatever site you choose to post on, you will always get a range of responses. You have posted your frustrations and have a right to do that. I know it is hurtful if people are a bit brusque. But try to look at the more positive suggestions you are getting. Communication with your wife seems to be the key one.

I love my grandchildren dearly (we have 6) but I find as I get older I need some quiet time too. 10 days of frenetic activity can be exhausting, I would agree. As others have pointed out, you just need to explain your need for down time. Running away entirely though would be sending a different message.