Relationship dilemma

So sorry granny about all you're going through! (((Hugs)))

As for the liar - and I call her that cuz you say she has been known to lie before - it doesn't sound to me as if you can expect an apology, let alone a true change. She is how she is. So I would avoid her and just be cool to her if you meet.

I know it might not be easy. But now you know anything you say or write to her could be twisted, lied about and used against you. In many cases, more communication is needed, but, in this one, I think LESS communication is key.

Love it rubylady - will tuck those pearls of wisdom into my brain.

I wouldn't. even acknowledge her and I'd make it clear her friendship with you is over she has lied about you and caused stress for you an apology could be in a letter she doesn't need to speak to you but people who lie for attention are manipulative and dangerous not good qualities that make a good friend.

When something like that happens to me I simply "forget" the persons existence. I don't make a song and dance about the incident I just ignore it.

I have friends who I can trust completely. They matter.

Move on with dignity. I would have the merest f smiles, say hello ... And slowly move away from her. You can never trust a liar, no point writing she'll think you care. Sorry about your mother and fil, a very difficult time for you all. Thank goodness for good friends that support you at such times.

Never write anything down.

I dread to think what she said about you and what would have happened if it was not such an obvious lie or if she had been more plausible ....

This has happened to me in the distant past and from someone who is extremely charming, popular and life-and-soul of the party. It didn't occur to anybody to question what she'd said and even when it became obvious that what she'd said wasn't true there was no appreciation of the fact that she'd deliberately maligned me and it was just assumed to have been a misunderstanding.

The point I am making is that such people often get away with ruining others' reputations, not least of all because the victim frequently does not even get to find out what they've been up to.

And English politeness does not stop them from doing it again. So GA.... to now tell this person how much she hurt you is to assume she doesn't already know? That's a heck of a lot of benefit of the doubt you are putting her way.

This is serious stuff. I think you and your circle of friends need to consider what on earth her motive was in slandering you and if anything is fed back to her let it be just that: That she has slandered you (with the hint inherent in that statement that she could be in trouble herself now).

I dread to think what she said about you and what would have happened if it was not such an obvious lie or if she had been more plausible ....

This has happened to me in the distant past and from someone who is extremely charming, popular and life-and-soul of the party. It didn't occur to anybody to question what she'd said and even when it became obvious that what she'd said wasn't true there was no appreciation of the fact that she'd deliberately maligned me and it was just assumed to have been a misunderstanding.

The point I am making is that such people often get away with ruining others' reputations, not least of all because the victim frequently does not even get to find out what they've been up to.

And English politeness does not stop them from doing it again. So GA.... to now tell this person how much she hurt you is to assume she doesn't already know? That's a heck of a lot of benefit of the doubt you are putting her way.

This is serious stuff. I think you and your circle of friends need to consider what on earth her motive was in slandering you and if anything is fed back to her let it be just that: That she has slandered you (with the hint inherent in that statement that she could be in trouble herself now).

I dread to think what she said about you and what would have happened if it was not such an obvious lie or if she had been more plausible ....

This has happened to me in the distant past and from someone who is extremely charming, popular and life-and-soul of the party. It didn't occur to anybody to question what she'd said and even when it became obvious that what she'd said wasn't true there was no appreciation of the fact that she'd deliberately maligned me and it was just assumed to have been a misunderstanding.

The point I am making is that such people often get away with ruining others' reputations, not least of all because the victim frequently does not even get to find out what they've been up to.

And English politeness does not stop them from doing it again. So GA.... to now tell this person how much she hurt you is to assume she doesn't already know? That's a heck of a lot of benefit of the doubt you are putting her way.

This is serious stuff. I think you and your circle of friends need to consider what on earth her motive was in slandering you and if anything is fed back to her let it be just that: That she has slandered you (with the hint inherent in that statement that she could be in trouble herself now).

You are all far too nice. Chances are this woman has done this before and will probably do it again unless she is PUBLICLY put in her place.
I would tell her loud and clear what she is, in front of everyone.
The only thing I wouldn't do, is tell her how I felt.
I do understand that not everyone can do it, but believe me, it feels great.

Something similar happened to me a few years ago, when some woman started sending out fairly poisonous emails about me. It was very upsetting - especially when the same woman was nice to my face a little later. Afraid I just told her to b----r off! I don't think you should do that if you don't feel like being rude to her, but I would most certainly cut the woman out of your life - particularly if you have had no apology. I agree with Craftycat; there are too many lovely people out there for you to be bothered with the likes of her - just say hi, give the briefest of eye contact and walk on. Wishing you the best of luck, as it sounds as if you have enough to cope with already.

Whatever you do you really need witnesses!

oh ruby me too. When I think of the times I have been walked all over and just taken it and almost apologised to them for them being horrible or thoughtless or whatever to me! I still do it now.
Some good advice on here for you ga

I wrote some mantras down recently to help me cope with people who have upset me, here are a couple.

My only regret in my life is that I have not told enough people to fuck off!

Some people need a high five . . . in the face . . . with a chair!

Some people don't deserve our gentle friendly ways.

There's one thing for certain grannyactivist I would be making sure that any conversation I did have with her took part in the clear earshot of a 3rd party (and ideally a 4th too). That way you can be polite and firm without the chance of her twisting your words when she repeats what you have said.

I worked with someone like this, she lied constantly and sometimes for no evident purpose. I was her manager and found it difficult to deal with, until someone recommended a book on personality types, from which I deduced that she was a type who played psychological games, a sort of power struggle which only she could win as only she knew the rules. Once I realised this it seemed to take away the sting, and I saw her as pathetic. Only when the lies were blatant and affected work or me and other staff, did I react, and would say firmly 'that is not true' . She would be furious, but knew she had lost that round. She didn't change, but It stopped affecting me in any way. I would just remain dignified and cool towards her and not mention it again, everyone now knows she is a liar.

Do not write and avoid contact. Anyone who uses something as I'm motive as cancer for attention has mental health problems and could use anything for attention with no respect for the people on the receiving end. I had experience of someone who did this exact thing and when I questioned her I was called cold until others realised what was happening (there were lots of things that didn't add up as at the same time my sister had to have a tumour removed so I was aware of process).

There are too many things that happenen - just protect yourself we are not trained to deal with this sort of behaviour.

Don't write, it will just feed her aggression to you.

Definitely do not write! If you are so sure it would be misrepresented, there is no point doing it.
Everyone now knows that she lied so there is no need to do any more in relation to her lies, only to decide what attitude you will have when you meet.
I recommend basic civility, no more.

Definitely do not write to her !

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

I still don't know what I shall do when this person and I cross paths again, but I shall ponder your input. Fortunately I know I won't see her any time soon, so I have time to make a considered response. I hadn't thought of writing to her, but a carefully worded letter might help me to explain the hurt and upset she caused. I do know that if I write to her then I shall have to keep a copy of the letter as I am convinced she would 'misrepresent' the content to others. Hmm - plenty of food for thought. I'm torn between wanting to explain how damaging her lie could have been and maintaining a dignified aloofness. The problem is that in the past she has told lies and rarely been challenged, but this time she's gone too far for it to be overlooked and knows that she has seriously upset not only me, but just about everyone who cares for me. She has a narcissistic, hysterical personality and has said to others that, at the time she said it, she believed what she said was true. Unfortunately, like many habitual liars, she has the ability to believe her own lies.

a friend you don't need. Anya's third suggestion is a good one if you have the mental/energy to do it. Otherwise Caesar's wife - beyond blame. Rise above it and cool, distant, polite and suggest that you never lower yourself to her level, and keep it OK for your true friends to be around the two of you.

I have had a similar situation - not me but a so called very good friend was appalling to my OH in public. We have confronted her in private and made it clear this will not affect other people and if we find ourselves at the same dinner table then in no way will anyone else especially the host be embarrassed. So far this has worked and now she tries to be uber friendly with me. She is not getting at me that way!

Sorry to hear what a tough time you've been having. The person who tried to tell lies about you does not sound like the sort of person you need/want in your life. I know I would be churning internally about the next time I met the person. Cool, distant formality would be the only way I could cope with it, personally. Hope your FIL will be ok. Very best wishes.

Just act totally superior in every way [which you are!!].

sorry