Relationship dilemma

Sorry to hear of all that you are having to deal with at the moment Grannyactivist
With all that you have on your plate you really don't need this extra burden so you need to take the initiative and get it dealt with and out of the way.
In any case you say you will not pretend that nothing has happened so if you had the choice would you prefer to deal with this in private or in public with witnesses?
You need to be in control so that she cannot 'pretend it never happened or that she has dealt with it when she hasn't.
She also needs to deal with things so she may be grateful if you sent her a card inviting her for coffee perhaps. I would ask another two people who you can trust to be there too so that when you ask her to explain herself she has no more wriggle room. If all goes well then that job is done but the watchfulness begins.

I think I would 'greet her coolly'. I certainly wouldn't want to get into conversation with her. Maybe I'd tell a close friend I wanted to avoid getting involved with her so would like to appear to be deep in conversation,with the friend,when she's around.
That's just what I'd do. I'm not telling you what I think you should do. If and when it occurs I'm sure you will cope, good that no one believed her.
Is her attention grabbing and slander due to mental health problems do you think?
An unpleasant thing to happen to you, so sorry!

I'd concentrate with what you have on your plate, she really isn't important anymore. And if I bumped into her, I'd make sure she knew it but being a little dismissive of her and then move on. If an apology comes, then keep her at arms length until she has earnt some trust back. Good luck and look after yourself.

I think I'd just let her go, grannyactivist. She has told lies about you and therefore not to be trusted. Not the sort of person I would want in my life - especially when there's already enough to deal with, as do you.
If it were me, after having confronted her, I would actually blank her.

I agree with marelli. You don't need the aggro and you will never feel the same about her.

I hope your mum is comfortable and the situation is not causing you too much stress!

Sorry ga, I meant to say that I'm sorry to hear about your fil - I know how fond of him you are.

She is not a friend that you need, at this time. You do not need to make any allowances for this woman. She can find her own way to an apology, if she wants to, but as others have said, you don't need her as a friend.

Remain dignified, acknowledge her if you meet, but then move on. Easier said than done, but it is possible. If you cannot escape a group situation focus on something in the distance and think pleasant thoughts!

There will be other friends, I'm sure, who can support you, at this worrying time.

I hope your mother and FIL are getting better.

x

Depending on the circumstances of how and where we must encounter each other, I would either blank her as marelli has said, or, if I simply have to be civil to her and continue some sort of cool (working?) relationship, I would write her a letter explaining the hurt, anger and shock I feel at her behaviour. Like you, I would not demand an apology, but I would expect, and welcome, more reticence in her behaviour towards me. I think I would feel thr need to thus express my anger privately while remaining coldly civil to her in company. Just so she knows exactly why my behaviour towards her has changed.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

It sounds as if this person has "issues" and while I would not take that as mitigation of her lies and accusations, she may have a tenuous grasp on reality resulting in her attention seeking and attempt to gain sympathy.
I would not get into a conversation with her about or indeed anything as she sounds capable of misrepresenting the facts whenever it suits her.

If it were me, I would definitely not write to her. She must already know she did the wrong thing and what the repercussions are / could have been.
If I had to speak to her it would be in as few words as possible, but politely. Other than that, I'd simply act as if she did not exist, without (I hope) creating an awkward atmosphere for others present.

I'd keep a distance, emotionally and physically from this woman. You can never trust her and any contact you have with her (including writing her a letter) can be easily mis represented by her.

You are a kind and inclusive person, as demonstrated by your contributions to this forum. I don't suppose it will come easily to you not to respond but you need to look after yourself. Others rely on you, people who love and value your relationships with them. This woman isn't one of them. A dignified emotional distance seems best.

I've met this kind of person before and doubt she'll offer an apology. She would probably simply pretend nothing has happened.

You have several choices. Blank her, be very coldly polite but dismissive or, when next you meet, simply ask her, very politely if she has something she wants to say to you.

I'd go for the latter, as I'd want to gage her reaction to my question, but I can understand it's the hardest option.

She is nothing to you now, just let go. If you end up in the same social space be civil for the sake of others, otherwise don't spend any energy on it all, she can never be trusted so no point trying to stitch something back together with her.

grannya I'm sorry to hear about your fil, I know how much you care about your in laws.
Personally, I would totally blank this person who has shown herself to be cruel and untrustworthy. I don't think she'll apologise, but if she does, I would accept graciously but coldly, and then continue to ignore her. You have enough on your plate and have not been well yourself, no one needs a person like her in their life.
I hope you are feeling better now.

If it was me I would just go straight up to her and tell her how hurtful her actions were and that it had upset me greatly. That way you won't be nervous or worried each time you see her as you would have dealt with it.Also by confronting her she may think twice before doing it to someone else. She obviously does these things because she gets away with it

When you come across her just acknowledge her with a 'Hello' and a smile and carry on walking. If she has hurt you with the accusations and she still values you as a friend let her do the work to sort it out. If she does try you can say you are hurt by her words and that it has dented your view of the friendship and upset you that she has passed her views onto your shared friends who thankfully have seen right through her lies. You keep your dignity .

If you have to meet her socially, I would be REALLY nice to her - I have found that throws those who have been unkind/rude/nasty about me right out of their comfort zone. You don't have to mean it, but that doesn't matter, it is very satisfying. (As you can tell I am a nasty individual!)

I'm in the acknowledge her politely and move on. Agree with what Iam64 says.

Funnily enough, last Saturday, I came face to face in a public place with a woman who gave me an absolute roasting on her public page on Facebook after I had gently contradicted her post maligning several hard working and dedicated people. Because of her position I have done my best to support her over many, many years although I do not like this self-centred woman who has to be Queen Bee at all times.

Anyway on Saturday I managed to keep away from her for an hour or so, talking to others and ignoring any remarks she made in a general way. As I was about to leave, she approached me in front of everyone and attempted to throw her arms round me saying something about 'this has gone on long enough'. I backed off, said NO!!! very loudly and when she said 'You can't keep this up' I said that I could - as far as I was concerned she was invisible. Then I left, but I could see her 'friends' behind her giving me a thumbs up.

I don't need this woman in my life, I have never had any help or support from her - it has always been a one way street. I know all the ins and outs of her family & health problems, she knows nothing of mine because she has never asked or taken an interest.

I would not presume to give you advice GA you are a strong woman who will find her own way through this. She has just caught you at a time when you are vulnerable and need some support from your friends. Obviously, the woman is NOT your friend and you have enough on your plate without having to pander to her neediness.

Yes grannyactivist....Keep your dignity when you next see her. Try to do what Angela suggets. IMO being overly nice to
someone like that will be misunderstood and twisted by her into her thinking you are weak and gullable and that she can say what she likes. Just a cool Hello, smile and walk on to be with someone else. Maybe someone who is in on the situation and can be close by for you to go to. One shouldnt have negative people in your life, especially as you are worrying about ill relatives. Positive people only should be the rule. Theres no law that say we should be accepting of every one who we mix with
socially. Keep Strong xx

Throw her in the "f..k it" bucket and move on, you don't need her or the grief she has caused.

I wouldn't bother with a smile - try a steely stare instead! You know she deserves it.

I suspect you will fret over this until it has been settled. I probably would although I am very good at letting go of people in my life who hurt or upset me. Life is too short to bother when their are lovely people out there.

A short - Jane (or whoever) - hello & then just walk on. Use her name - it is very powerful (all my old NLP training coming out). Then the next move is up to her & you can react accordingly. You will never trust her again so if you can get her out of your life, I would.

Good luck with everything else- puts it all in pespective really. Hugs

Yes.....Group Hug xx