I hate visiting my mum!

kitty I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time of it at the moment. When you say you only go 2/3 times a week that is a lot to do when you have a home and family to support - it takes a lot out of you. From what you have told me of your relationship with your Mother it hasn't been an easy one so you are doing well. Give yourself a break.

This has gone on so long Kitty that it is no wonder that you are feeling enormous strain. To be told that your Mum has only a couple of days left and then find she is still hanging on 7 weeks later must be so hard. You were on a high state of readiness and that turned out to be misplaced so it's now a case of watching and waiting again.

I had something similar with my 93-year old Dad, but only over two weeks. He got a venous ulcer on his leg which turned into full blown gangrene and meant his leg had to be amputated. He had a stroke on the operating table and never came round but remained unconscious. I took a week off work and flew to the island (where my parents and some of my family lived) and sat by his bed on and off for the whole week expecting his demise every day. He was on a morphine pump and had no food or drink and his breathing seemed to indicate that the end was near. It got to the Sunday afternoon and I knew I had to fly back for work next day. That was a difficult journey.

He died the following Friday just as I was preparing to fly out again for the weekend.

You can only do so much and it seems to me that you have been both steadfast and dutiful Kitty. No-one can ask for more than that. Your Mum is lucky to have a daughter like you.

Kitty, my sympathy to you in such a difficult situation, and very brave of you to admit how you feel. I felt the same visiting my Mum (she had dementia and severe osteoporosis, was on morphine and her end of life care lasted about a month). I hated visiting her, hated what I saw, hated what she had to endure, hated the fact that she didn't deserve it and most of all hated that I could do no more to help her. That was more than 5 years ago, and I still (when I allow myself to think about it) feel so, so guilty. As others on here have said, take care of you and keep strong.

As a ex nurse, I agree with Riverwalk. Your mum should be on a syringe driver set up by the district nurses. This is a much more humane approach, and ensures that distressing symptoms are minimised by a variety of drugs that deal with piain, breathlessness and agitation, for example.

On a different level. No one has mentioned having spiritual beliefs that may help. When my dad was dying, I knew he would soon be in a better place. He had been saying that he had seen his mother, brother and sister, who were waiting for him. This was a few days before he died. It brought immense comfort to me. As I nurse, I have seen this happen many times when people were nearing the end. Why is this not talked about?

I know not everyone shares my beliefs, but they can be a great comfort.

Kitty, I am so very sorry. I can only say - my adored father died nineteen years ago, he was my Dad and my best friend, in the last weeks of his life I couldn't visit him, my mother, three sisters and brother were with him through those weeks, he sent me a message via a sister telling me he understood and for me to spend the time in the mountains . I still regret not being with him when he died , I cannot change it, but I still hurt , I didn't attend his funeral but he and I had discussed this when he was well , but even though he sent that message I still wish I had been with him through those weeks , so for me staying away has caused more pain than being with him

Just do what you feel you can. It is a very difficult situation to go through. Try not to reproach yourself. I think anyone who has been in a similar position recognises your feelings.

Visiting loved ones who are dying and in distress is horrendous and I don't think any normal person wants to visit in these circumstances. We all do it out of a sense of duty and we feel guilty when we are not there. I think the stress is made worse when relationships have been fraught in the past.

Why is no one mentioning the absolute pointlessness and inhumanity of keeping people alive for a few more days/weeks in these circumstances? We put animals out of their misery when we think their lives have become unbearable, but since Shipman.....

I don't want end of life care, I want an end of life pill so that my family doesn't have to endure the horrible times so many of us have to go through.

So sorry for you but I think most comments are saying what they think you need to hear. I disagree! Do everything you can with love. Your Mum will soon be gone and the guilt you feel after is awful and stays a very long time. Spend every moment you can with her and touch her tenderly, speak soft words of love. Ignore the parts that you find distasteful and just be there for her in the last weeks of her life.

Its the guilt that is s hard to deal with. You feel guilty if you don't go and guilty if you do, because of the way you feel! Very familiar feelings. My Mother passed away in January, and I had all these feelings. But I stuck it out, and was with her at the end. This has helped in the last few months. Don't beat yourself up about negative thoughts. You are only human, and very normal.

I cared for my grand mother for the last six years of her life, from 87 to 94. She was quite mobile when she came to me, but quickly deteriorated as the years went by, of course. The last year I was spoon feeding her, had an alarm fitted in my bedroom, to wake me in the night if she needed the toilet, which was often too late by the time I got to her. I am not looking for a pat on the back or sympathy. I owed it to her as she brought me up and none of her own children would take her in. The point I am getting to is, that one day our family doctor came in and said it's time to start the morphine, so that she didn't have any pain. A nurse came out shortly after to insert a tube into her hip. She quickly fell asleep, not regaining consciousness again. A McMillan nurse came in the evening and my grandmother died at around ten pm that night. It was all very dignified, with no pain for her. I am sure that is what she would have chosen although I felt at the time that the doctor was ending her life and acting a bit like god. What does everyone else think?

Just been through this with my mum. I hated going to visit, and seeing her deteriorate but in the end I was with her when she passed away and I was able to see it was peaceful. Three weeks on, this is greatly comforting. My thoughts are with you as I know how difficult it is to watch someone dying slowly bit by bit xx

So sorry for you. Have just been through this myself with MIL who died three weeks ago. Hard but later you have the comfort of knowing you did all you could.
Everything passes.

Hi Kitty,
As you see by many that you are not alone, me being another.

My old ma is 98 and so desires to get to 100. She is still able to wonder around without a stick, but does continually repeat herself, which can be very tiring as this is getting worse.

Can't write anymore as I have a young granddaughter sticking her chin into my shoulders!

Kitty I do wonder if the visiting is stopping her going. Some people like to die in peace. Perhaps she needs to be left alone . Sounds harsh I know but not everyone can let go easily.

Oh I do feel for you Kitty. When my Mum succomed to severe Alzheimers Disease and vascular dementia and was moved into a care home under a place of safety order, I had to brace myself before each visit. As she deteriorated, I hated going to see this person who was no longer my Mum and who had no quality of life anymore. Although my relationship with her had never been easy, she was my mother and I loved her.

We were told before Christmas 2013 that she didn't have long to live but she hung on until the end of January 2014. Each time the phone rang I thought that was it, and, by the time she died, I was an emotional wreck.

Writing this is bringing back the guilt I felt at not wanting to visit her, and the effort it took to do so. I live nearly 4 hours away from where she was so wasn't able to go very regularly, but still feel guilty that I didn't go more often. Some consolation is the fact that Mum never remembered whether I had been or not.

This is so hard for you, Kitty, and I hope, for your sake, it will resolve itself soon. Love and hugs.

Having just been though a similar situation, I really understand how difficult this is for you. Above all else, my brothers and I had to keep reminding ourselves that our Mother was a human being who needed to be treated with compassion and dignity. There were several occasions over the six months from August to her death in February, when I had to miss visiting for a few days at a time as the situation was getting me so stressed but that was worth doing because I went back refreshed and able to cope again. Take care of your Mum but don't forget to take care of yourself.

having been in a similar situation my thoughts are with you, take care you are doing your best in one of the most difficult situations we have to face.

Once the driver was in place my Mum passed after about fifteen hours. It was hard that she immediately fell into being unconscious never to wake again but her last hours were peaceful and I spent time with her as did close family. I still bare guilt for things I felt or didn't do, for loosing patience in her last weeks which were so stressful. I nursed her at home and her wish to die at home was fulfilled. I bitterly regret many things, despite doing all I could to help and comfort her. I I wsh someone had been honest enough to tell me that the guilt is very real. I would have gone the extra mile and done even more. She had a good death, I am not sorry that I kept her home I just wish the last few weeks were different and that now after three years I wouldn't still feel so sad and have regrets that can never be changed.

Sorry if I offended anyone by saying this.
Mum had been slipping in and out of consciousness for over a week and just taking odd sip of water. One afternoon I held her hand and gently told her that it was ok to slip away. She died that night.

I'm very sorry too Kitty. It's horrible. My husband isn't 'like' my husband anymore because of his advanced dementia. He hasn't got any teeth left (God knows where they've all gone, suppose he's swallowed most) and he's grey and skinny and looks many years older than his 65 years. He's been rushed off to hospital so many times with chest infections or pneumonia and I've gone and sat with him every day, all day thinking he could go at any time and he's still here. I sometimes wish he would go. They have no quality of life and yet they seem to hang on...... I don't like visiting either and I don't go 2/3 times a week, you are wonderful to go so often, especially when you are so upset seeing her as she is now.

My Mum is 94 and has had a heart attack and two strokes over the past few years. She is very frail and weak and suffering from vascular dementia which is gradually getting worse. She gets very confused over certain things and has now reached the stage of trying to go out at midnight. Fortunately she made so much noise a neighbour in the next flat woke up and got her back indoors. My brother and I are agonising over whether it's time for residential care. Between us we are keeping things going for Mum, shopping, cleaning, laundry etc. but it's becoming a strain now as we are not exactly spring chickens ourselves. I sometimes dread my visits to Mum because I never know what I'm going to find. She had the fire brigade out the other night at 10.45pm because she microwaved something to death and set off all the fire alarms in her block. Some of the poor oldies were evacuated from their beds until the crisis was over. It's very tough seeing the Mum you love deteriorating and I have every sympathy for anyone dealing with this awful situation. It's important to have some 'me' time in between visits and be kind to yourself.

Kitty, I am sure you are very tired, and have done so well for you mum, I haven't contributed much to your posts, just admired how much you achieve. I do not think you should be so hard on yourself. We are all human, and watching our loved ones die is a sadness few can share, but everyone here is on your side.

I do feel for you Kitty.

I so remember those last weeks with my Mum, who had decided enough was enough and stopped eating and drinking. I decided if that was what she wanted I would go with it, not an easy thing to do. I hated sitting there waiting. I wanted it all to come to an end quickly and felt bad about that too.

I'm so pleased the rift with your brothers has been addressed.

In time to come you will think back to some happy times with your Mum and these last miserable weeks will slowly drift from you memory.

Thank you all for being kind

Part of my issue with my mum is that we have had a troubled past and she has caused huge problems and rifts in our family and also prefers my brothers and, particularly one brother's only daughter.

One reason why I am determined to stick with it is that it proves my brothers and I are united and working together.

Mum would haunt me for ever if I suggested bringing any sort of religion into the equation.

Minder, how much worse for you - I apologise for moaning. Take care and come and tell us about it all if it would help.

I had a long gossipy lunch with a couple of really good friends who listened patiently so I feel loads better but it's my turn to visit tomorrow.

I understand how hard it is when you have had a troubled relationship with someone who is dying. I can only say that I have been in that boat and have come to terms with it all now she is dead - she died 10 years ago. I found it hard to start with, but all the people who knew how difficult she could be during her life helped me to get over that guilt and see it all for how it really was.

You are doing the right thing to only go in when you are able; and you will come to terms with it after her death I am sure. I am glad that you have these good friends to whom you can turn.