I hate visiting my mum!

So hard for you Kitty. Thinking of you at this time. I think you are very brave to admit how you are feeling, but as you see on here many of us have felt the same way. Take time out when you need it.

Losing a 'loved one' is totally different from losing someone who should have been 'loved' but made themselves unlovable. Being there for them at the end is a duty call only, and any grief which is felt when the end does come is tinged with 'what could have been, what should have been' and possibly a big dose of relief.

Anya - you have put that so well! That is exactly how I felt and still do feel.
Thank you

This is the saddest part here. It's 'normal' to lose parents after they've had a 'good innings' - but this feeling of not having been loved, and therefore not loving back- is truly moving and sad.

Those of us who lost loving and beloved mums are indeed very very lucky to be able to look back at the wonderful times we shared throughout our lives.

Anya - exactly.

Gj

Minder, that is really sad in all sorts of ways - I hope you are coping now.

Exactly Anya - hard to deal with.

My poor Mum caused a great deal of tension in our house and it was so hard to live with. Once I left home I kept out of her way a fair bit, as did my sister. The really sad thing is that I think she meant well and was oblivious to the problems she created. She should never have married - she was temperamentally unsuited.

It was hard when she died but I came to terms with it, as did my siblings.

My heart is with kitty - been there, done that.....survived!

Anya puts it exactly. My mother was very jealous and demanding. We did achieve a good relationship during the last six months of her life when she was in hospital and then a care home close by as I was calling in nearly every day - often for several hours. Just as she had wanted me to do for so many years. It salved my conscience when she died but was incredibly wearing and I turned into this meek little person doing all she asked. The care home staff actually told me to stay away one day a week at least and when she became more addled towards the end, told me I should stay away more as I was making myself ill. I went on holiday (only to London) for four days as they told me she wouldn't notice. She didn't.

It seems to be a common condition. Has anyone else seen the Tracey Ullman Show? That little woman with the demanding mother?

Take care of yourself Kitty. Can some of your offspring take on your visits for a week? Give you a complete break?

It's One of the hardest things in your life that you have to deal with.
I also nursed my Mother till the end, and it was pitiful and sad.
You find your strength from somewhere, and you will be glad you hung on in there.
I now am so glad I was able to do it, and have no regrets.
There is a lot of support from you here on Gransnet, we are all thinking of you x?

Oh, I so understand what you are going through. My mum had dementia and towards the end she was in the same state (I use that word deliberately) as yours. I was particularly repulsed (again, deliberate use of that word) by the state of my mum's teeth and the way she gripped the spoon rightly with them. It's hard; it's so hard to keep visiting. Is your mum being well looked after? If so, please do give yourself a break. I did that for a while, explained myself to the lovely staff who took very good care of her and they understood and were very kind. The other thing I did for a while was to go in when I knew she was usually asleep just for a little while. I'd chat with the staff to make sure she was ok, sit for a while, knit and/or read and stroke her hand. No interaction, because she was asleep, but also no screaming, or staring wildly and no views of teeth. A cop-out? Yes, maybe.
It's a rubbish illness to see and incredibly difficult for families as well as the person themself, of course. My brother didn't visit mum very often at all - he couldn't cope with her taking all her clothes off. I understand that and he was absolutely brilliant at dealing with admin stuff e.g. Power of Attorney and so on, and looking after her house. We all do what we can, when we can. There isn't one answer which suits everyone.
Another suggestion is to google Alzheimer's Society. Their Talking Point forum is fantastic - no reflection on Gransnet, which is also fantastic, but everyone on there has direct experience of this dreadful illness. I had some wonderful support, sometimes in the wee small hours when things always seem awful (well, they are) and you can say anything and be unjudged (Yes, I know Gransnetters don't judge, but still ...). I can't recommend it too highly.
Sending thoughts, hugs and understanding. xx
PS I know this rambles on a bit - sorry, but it's something I feel very strongly about. I now volunteer with the Alzheimer's Society, which has given me some insight into it, from a safe distance.

I have had two relatives close to death and I also curse the end of the Liverpool Pathway. My Father died age 96 and so wanted to die as it was an undignified and messy end. We just had to sit watching him for the 4 months it took him to die. He said to me ' kill me' obviously I couldn't do it.

My MIL is in a nursing home and nearly died before Christmas and was revived and fed anti biotics. She did say ' I don't want to go in a home I want to die. She would have died in December without intervention. Now she is in a home and her quality of life is not only nil but wasn't what she wanted.

When I sat day after day with my Father, the whole thing made me feel sick, both for him and for me. So you are not alone OP.

Does anyone know why my reply is green?

Really, I agree with Retro - take a break from visiting for a while, Kitty, or go there when she's asleep. As I said before, no need to "show her" anything or "prove" anything to anyone. Go only when you can with a willing heart. Many (((hugs)))

Jane, are you referring to a green background or green print? I notice my replies always come out with a green background though I think it only looks that way to me. Probably so we can each find our own replies more quickly if we want to look back at what we said. Haven't you ever noticed a green BG on your posts before?

I notice the OP's posts always have a green BG, as well. I imagine that's so we can all be sure which posts are the OP's.

But if you mean that the print is green, then I'm at a loss. GN will have to explain.

jayneayressister - one day, and perhaps not now or on this thread- your post should be discussed- as it is so so important. The Liverpool Pathway was much much kinder I feel- and it was dropped due to the public's outcry - I feel we will live to regret this and demand for it to be back. To shorten suffering all round- firstly for the dying parent. Ressucitating someone in end of life care and giving antibiotics is beyond cruel - for all involved and totally nonsensical.

I mean my posts have a green background like the OP.

I have the death of three elderly people to look forward to.( shudders) I cleared my DFs house out and recently my MILs house. They were stuffed to the gunnels with a mixture of junk and treasures. ( mainly Junk) We found money stuffed everywhere so we couldn't just shovel it up into a skip.

As they only lived in two rooms the rest were left to rot. They resented my going to their houses to clean. 'Sit here', patting a cushion beside them, 'come and talk to me. ' This translates to them talking non -stop ( no talking from me at all) about people I barely knew, who are either half dead or dying. I sound horrible but I do love my MIL, Step MILand FIL.and have exhausted ourselves trying to keep them afloat. So afterwards when my parents died and my MIL went into a home, I was left to clean up unimaginable filth.

None of my children wanted antiques, or grandfather clocks etc , or beautiful knives and forks, still wrapped up ( 100 years old) boxes of coins after their GPs.

Last time It took a month for us to get it all to an auction, charity shops and rubbish tips. It was utterly exhausting.
It has taught me a lesson. I am going to pare all my belongings down to the bare minimum. I am NOT going to do to my DCs what has been done to us.

Wendysue, it pleases my brothers and I that we can do this together, that's why I want to do my bit. Having said that, Mum is often asleep when they go and is always awake and 'chatty' when I go. Not sure what, if anything, that says.

I have been poorly today and not gone when it was my 'turn'. One of my brothers went out of turn. As the oldest child, only daughter and, according to them, the bossy one, I organise the 'rota'. For the first time in ages we have a normal bantering relationship - despite (and probably because of) Mum and I am not going to jeopardise that.

janeayressister I could have almost written your post. I cleared out my fathers house 3 years ago when he died. Worse was sorting my MiL house when she went into a home. I felt I was violating her privacy. Like you it's made me determined to have a good old clear out so my children are not faced with the clearing my stuff. The other lesson I learnt was to not save for best. The amount of things I found in both houses still in their original wrapping paper was sinful. What made it worse was my dad went round looking like a tramp yet his wardrobe was bursting with good quality clothes, mostly bought by us. My MiL was much much worse. Every nook and cranny was filled with with stuff saved for best. I wanted to cry what was she thinking, now there would never be a best. Why didn't she share or gift it to people I'll never know. What a waste. Perhaps it was being a child of the 1930's. Who knows

granjura, I've done my husband's end of life plan and informed everyone that I don't want him to be rushed off to hospital again if he gets a bad chest infection or pneumonia. I want him to be kept comfortable in his own room and with the staff there caring for him. And me of course. I have a DNR of course too. In my own mind, I feel sure that's what he'd want and I've spoken to his two daughters, sister and brothers about it and they all agree. Only one daughter comes to see him but the others live further away. Sadly the brothers and one daughter don't even ask me how he is.

Janey, since it's the green BG, I think that's normal. That's what I always see on my posts, too.

I'm going to pare down my belongings, also, as time goes on. Don't want to make it hard on my DDs.

Good on you Minder- take care and courage

Worse is, is that there is often 1 of the siblings, or close relatives- who just can't let go- and will insist on ressusitation, antibiotics, 'force' feeding- etc - and putting huge guilt on those who think it is best not to- telling them they are callous and cruel- when in fact it is, to my mind, exactly the opposite.

That is so true Granjura, my MIL had a stroke last July and went into a vegetative state, no hope for recovery. After discussions with the consultant no further treatment was given and she died 4 weeks later. Terrible for all the family as she had been a very fit active 78 year old up to the stroke. Unfortunately one of my brother in laws was in denial, he would text everyone when he was visiting that she was speaking , opening her eyes, generally responding. She wasn't and whatever his reasons for dong this , wishful thinking etc, it caused a lot of extra grief especially to the grandchildren who wanted to believe it. Over this time we all took turns and stayed with her until the end, and no one else saw these signs of recovery. She died last August and his behaviour has caused a bit of a rift with his 2 brothers.

One of the positive spin-offs of managing the slow deaths of both our parents, was that my sister, brother and I became much closer, and this has persisted. I think both my parents would be pleased about that.

We shared out the tasks, with me dealing with the care management side (I am a retired social worker), my brother the money (he's good with all that stuff) and my sister the bulk of the visiting (she was the only one who lived near them). I even used to organise my Dad's online food deliveries from 120 miles away - I would ring the live-in carer each week and formulate a shopping list, and I had Dad's card details to pay for it.

It is good kitty that you are able to share the burden with your siblings and I hope that, like us, it will bring you closer together.

Like other posters we have had to empty houses after the deaths of relatives. In my case, first my brother then my FIL. Bless my FIL once his wife went into care, he gradually emptied his home of stuff which made our task a bit easier. We also had to move my aunt from a 3 bed house to a 1 bed bungalow. The house was stuffed to the rafters with 32 years worth of junk. She refused to help us, with the consequence that we had to make decisions on the hoof as we only had 2 days to move her. For the next 6 months I was accused of all sorts of thievery and my name and that of my husband was blackened to all and sundry.
Getting back to the original post. I have had sole responsibility for my unmarried aunt for the last 5 years. She has never been a nice person and is even worse now at the age of 85. I really resent any time spent with her but do what I can out of duty. I often feel guilty for not liking her but after 62 years of being told how much she sacrificed to come and help look after my brother and me, I've had enough.?

And who can blame you fiorentina ?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh, florentina, your aunt sounds like a pill. Please don't pay attention to any of her (well-meaning ?) friends. Especially if they're from far away. They only know your aunts version of what's going on and clearly that's distorted and geared towards gaining sympathy. Good that you came to vent here though.

florentina keep venting on here! Many of us have been/are going through the same, or similar, scenarios, so can empathise with you. We've been accused of all sorts by an Aunt because we have PoA over her. Fortunately, the family and friends (and her solicitor!) know the situation, but it still hurts, doesn't it? The irony is that we live over 200 miles away and have done far more (making the journey a few times per year) than her relatives who live round the corner from her!

Your Aunt sounds very similar to ours - never was a very nice person and old age hasn't improved things Just do what you feel able to do and try to rise above it all