Fear I have lost them

Great stuff, Nelly. I hope things improve for you all.

My dil likes me as a person, approves of me (some of the time) as a nan and can't stand me as the mother of her "husband."

It's difficult for men with wives, girlfriends to keep a good relationship with their mum. There is a tendency for young women to see the chap as a bit of a "mummy's boy" if he he contacts his mother too much. I have to admit feeling like that when I was a young wife and mother.

I developed a new tactic. I've started confiding a bit in my dil, just things to do with health, cost of living etc., This seems to work. She seems to like me seeing her as a grown up woman which she is being in her early forties. I also ask her how she is and say she is doing a good job as a mum, which she is.

It's all quite tiring but has to be done to keep contact with son and grand children. I never thought it would be this difficult!!!

Nelly you have my admiration for the positive attitude displayed in your last post.

It is so, very hard to take that step back and look long and hard at what is going on in your life. I applaud your decision and your thought processes.

Anyone who can listen to advice and act on it, especially when it has involved this degree of soul-searching, will doubtless succeed, given time.

Respect! (((hugs)))

Good for you, Nelly! And DH!

Not sure what there is to discuss with DS and DIL though. DS has already said what's needed. And, right now, if you voice your concerns, it might not go over well. If you apologize for past errors, IMO, you need to keep it simple. No ifs, ands or buts. Otherwise, they might see it more as an attempt to justify yourself and they won't take it seriously.

"We never know when we will see them and even if we make plans they quite often cancel on the day for various reasons."

Meant to say earlier, this stinks! Seems very unfair to me. Ugh! I totally sympathize.

True, with a little one, there can be unexpected issues. Or this could be due to the lingering tensions between you and the parents (sigh). This, too, may change as things get better. If not, then maybe you can address it if you'd like. For now, I hope you and DH always have a backup plan.

Best of luck!

Have you ever read Kahil Gibran's poem On Children? I really recommend it. It is full of wisdom and you can Google it. Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the world as well as we possibly can and then let them fly. If you love your son you will do as everyone says and back off. He has his own family now and his responsibilities are to them. It is none of your business (however much you might like it to be) to give them unsolicited advice. You need to be there, in the background, loving, supportive and uncritical and hopefully they will come back to you.