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It happened again

(27 Posts)
suzy Fri 13-May-16 14:39:25

Some of you may remember me posting 2 years ago! 3 years ago my daughters relationship ended after a violent episode. Her partner left her with my 2 grandsons, 1 yr, and 4 yrs old. She was left to pay the mortgage, and had just started work again. Since then her ex has just disappeared, with no contact at all. Hard to explain to a 4 year old where his daddy has gone.I have been her only means of support, emotionally and looking after the children when she works, doing lots of things with them, and just being there for them. before this happened i had been with my partner for 6 years, not living together, but spending weekends in each others houses. he was very put out that i was spending time with my daughter, and said she was selfish, should step back, even not liking it when she rang and asked me to come round as my grandson was ill. i was at his house at the time. it came to crunch when i invited my daughter over one saturday, without as he put it in a letter not consulting him. we split up but went back after a time. 2 years later he finished with me again by TEXT, because i had booked a sunday , to take the kids to see Santa without discussing it with him. that was a few months ago now but i do feel guilty that he was pushed to the side , and i do understand how he feels. i know in my heart i have to put my grandchildren first. He did have lots of family time with us and was called grandad! they have no other so it hurts that yet again another person in thier life has left. My daughter thinks a lot of him but blames herself. of course i have never told her how he felt. I have made a decision not to go back this time but it still hurts.

phoenix Fri 13-May-16 15:37:22

Can you not talk this through? Life (in my experience) always involves compromise.

Yes, your support of your DD and grandchildren is important, but so are you.

I accept that some men can't accept sharing attention!

Luckygirl Fri 13-May-16 16:00:22

He's a big boy now! Surely any man worth their salt would understand the situation and join in the attempts to help your DD - just generally muck in. At his age he should be over throwing his toys out of the pram if he is not getting enough attention!

whitewave Fri 13-May-16 16:17:48

Oh dear! Poor little man, he needs a mummy not a partner by the sound of it.

suzy Fri 13-May-16 16:30:50

Yes i could talk it through Phoenix, but i know that if we went back' a few months down the line i would do something wrong in his eyes and be sent a letter or text to finish with me again! At my age of 68 i cant handle all the drama. He is not someone you can put your own views to.

ninathenana Fri 13-May-16 16:37:23

he is not someone you can put your own views to

Says it all really.

M0nica Fri 13-May-16 17:03:31

I thought partnerships were based on equality between the partners. This one seemed to have run on him setting the rules and you obeying them.

phoenix Fri 13-May-16 17:12:07

Suzy I think you know the answer! However I would still say that you should have a life that is independent from your daughter and grandchildren.

Sending you every good wish.

Alea Fri 13-May-16 18:31:39

What Phoenix said.
Is this something you know in your heart? Do leopards change their spots or old dogs learn new tricks?
Good luck, you deserve to get your life back.

suzy Fri 13-May-16 20:09:18

thanks for all comments

Faye Fri 13-May-16 20:42:15

You have done the right thing Suzy. This man was a someone you saw on weekends and he was telling you not to spend time with your DD and GC, men like this don't change and they become more controlling.

The idea of being told you should consult him by letter beggars belief. I wonder what planet he came from, I think I would have laughed in his face. I had an exP like this, he would count up all my relatives and tell me he came after them all. hmm There were many red flags that I saw after the first year with him that I let go and he just became worse as time went by. Very stressful and not worth it. I had a stress rash on my eye lids, on my face and chest and had a cold every few weeks. Some men are just not worth wasting one minute of your life with. Always look out for red flags, they are good warnings that should never be ignored.

Jalima Fri 13-May-16 20:46:12

I agree with all the other posters.

I hope you can make a life for yourself, supporting your family but having some time for you as well (without this demanding, self-centred man) flowers

vampirequeen Sat 14-May-16 08:15:25

He may have felt pushed out but he was old enough to understand that you never stop being a mother and they never stop being your children. Motherhood doesn't end when they grow up.

If he was concerned he should have talked to you about it and not chickened out by sending you a Dear Jane letter.

It sounds to me that he wanted a relationship that went his way or no way.

Luckylegs9 Sun 15-May-16 06:05:21

Suzy, know you must miss him, it is nice to have a man in your life, but the one in yours sounds so insecure and it borders controlling on behaviour. Would you behave like he does if the situation was reversed. The answer would be no, as you would understand and want him to be happy. You want different things from a relationship. Probably what hurts you so much is that he bought nice things into the partnership, or you would not have been with him, but you can't be answerable to him, he is better out of the picture. The grandchildren will soon forget him, they have been through a lot, so the support of their mother and grandmother bringing normality to them is what matters, they come first, they deserve your love. Hope their father doesn't reappear, I can never understand how anyone can leave their children, it is heartbreaking. However, as long as they have stability and loads of love and are looked after they will be fine. I wish you all the best, it will get better.

absent Sun 15-May-16 07:52:35

His behaviour does not ^border on controlling^; it was controlling but failed to control. Good for you! There should not be a question of whether your partner, daughter or grandchildren "come first"; there is no hierarchy of love. It should just be a case of whose needs are greatest at any given time and what you want and need.

f77ms Sun 15-May-16 08:24:02

I agree with the other posters to a large degree BUT ... where are you in all this ? do you think your daughter is taking advantage just a little ? Lots of women are left by their partners with children to bring up ( me being one of those women with 3 little ones) My Mum was working full time so there was no way I could ask for her to look after my children and frankly she wouldn`t have done , she offered support in the form of a shoulder to cry on and I would not have expected any more than this . Why do you have to drop everything including your relationship , in a way I can understand your fella being a bit put out . You need a life too even if it is not with this particular man .

phoenix Sun 15-May-16 16:06:30

Sorry, some may not agree with me, but in your op you say "I know in my heart that I have to put my grandchildren first" actually, no you don't, it's time to put YOURSELF first, and this excuse for a man is not going to enable you to do that.

nina59 Fri 27-May-16 14:29:24

Suzy, what a dilemma. You were clearly not given much of a choice and it sounds as though you were torn during a crisis. At this time, your daughter and grandchildren were the most vulnerable parties and you rightly made the decision to help while your partner was a bystander. Presumably, this help would have been temporary at least until your daughters situation stabilised. In this case, your partner should have been able to rise to the occasion, seeing it as a crisis event where you had little option but to step in, like most mothers would, and shown tolerance, patience and support to you. Instead he's thrown a massive tantrum.
I'd send him back to his mother while you get on with your own life. xxx

Jomarie Fri 27-May-16 17:39:16

Hear hear Phoenix !

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 27-May-16 17:50:31

Certainly don't get back with him. The children have probably forgotten him by now and the last they need is him popping back into their lives, and then most likely, popping back out again.

Enjoy your family life with your daughter and grandchildren. Maybe someone better than him will come along. Maybe they won't. Just be happy now, as you are. Who knows hat he future holds. Live for today.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 27-May-16 17:52:04

I'm sorry for that awful posting. I don't bang the 'keys' hard enough on my mini iPad.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 27-May-16 18:03:11

And I would be a lot more careful about who I let my grandchildren call 'Grandad'.

granjura Fri 27-May-16 18:22:26

couldn't have said it better Phoenix.

Nelliemoser Fri 27-May-16 19:01:07

Just be your self! Having a selfish dependant man about is not going to help you at all.

Jalima Fri 27-May-16 19:23:33

I would be a lot more careful about who I let my grandchildren call 'Grandad'.
Hear Hear

DGDs had a lovely 'step-grandfather' (partner of DGM not married) and they called him by his first name, not grandfather.

(I say 'had' not because they split up but because he died last year sad)