Nasty thread on Mumsnet about a Gransnet thread

I have veered from absolute empathy for the posters on the MN thread, to a total sense of disbelief. Not about their treatment at the hands of people who should have made it their life's work to love, protect and guide them. No, the torment they have suffered is plain to see. What I find hard to believe is that people who have suffered so much, can still make generalised judgements about others who are obviously in pain themselves. They don't know these people, but are arrogantly describing their characters as if they do. The words being used....unhinged, crazy etc.....whilst offering their personal opinions on the psyche of these strangers, is not only cruel, but downright dangerous.

I would suggest that the horrors they have obviously suffered, appear not to have left them with any of the very empathy that they themselves are asking for.

That is what happens so often - a thread starts with reasonable posts and then they get more and more heated and polarised until the original opinions are swamped..

I think one good thing that has come out this is that the posters from the estranged threads are now interacting with a wider selection of other posters than they have for a long time, and some more air has entered the discussion - some of it is rather hot air, but that is inevitable on such an emotional subject..

Rosy, I think it's pretty normal for Mumsnetters to offer opinions on the psyche of others in relationship threads. A large majority of those who join in such discussions have been through long-term therapy and have studied the issues. Quite a few are psychotherapists themselves. You will have noticed that these same posters are just as quick to query themselves, and each other. This is how therapy works: by understanding the human psyche, in all its weird & glorious variations.

Obviously no psychologically-informed person would use terms like unhinged or crazy in a therapeutic setting, but they're pretty useful shorthand in everyday parlance! The estranged grans on here use those terms liberally, too, about their children.

Without having read all of the EGPs' posts, I have seen some very angry dismissals when asked if they've undertaken any therapy around their problems. If I'm right in assuming they think they "don't need therapy", this indicates quite a chasm between GN and MN posters. Humility is a healing quality in the long run; it involves self-examination as well as examination of others' motives where possible.

Elegran, I tend to think cross-fertilisation is good for intense discussions ... even though it rarely goes as all parties had hoped

well that's a strange statement to make GarlicCake "I have seen some very angry dismissals when asked if they've undertaken any therapy around their problems" I haven't seen any angry dismissals, dismissals yes and the reasons why. Could you give a couple of specific examples?

Afraid not, Smiles, life's too short. Have you undertaken therapy around your problem?

I don't know if there is any therapy available to help one deal with the unsubstantiated claims of some posters.

Garlic, I'm afraid that all your post does is totally reinforce my views regarding arrogant judgements.

I have been a psychotherapist for many years, albeit now retired, and would never presume to offer opinions based on random posts on an Internet forum.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

'A little learning is a dangerous thing' - Alexander Pope

Same thing. Clever clogs.

Perhaps we should all remember that, unless we have been professionally trained in the stuff we spout about.

Quite, Anya - that is too often misquoted.

To you maybe jingle - go and poke someone else for a change, I find you tiresome.

Ooh sorry!

It's the info. Not the poster. (Or rather, the no-room-for-doubt way it's put forward) [smle]

lovely [smle] you have Jingl

So I'm told.

Rosyglow I too wondered about garlic's assertion that quite a few of the MNers who discussed each others' psyches were psychotherapists.
I can't help thinking that anyone suitably qualified would hesitate to make a diagnosis on the basis of what someone had written on an online forum.

Can you do psychology at gcse level these days?

Yes jingl I do believe you can.

I've been following some threads on Mumsnet the last few days, mostly the relationship ones, and get the impression that there's huge number of members. They all chip in and end up with a jumble of opinions and no consensus. Not even two strong opposing opinions, which we often get on here.
I sometimes wonder if the OP ends up more confused than ever about her problem.

And the language - Jings' is mild in comparison!

They all chip in and end up with a jumble of opinions and no consensus.

Don't suppose it's ever occurred to you that consensus isn't needed? Discussions aren't like management meetings!

Not even two strong opposing opinions, which we often get on here.

Don't you just. Factional division, one might say, or 'taking sides'.

It's been illuminating. Thanks for having me.

Bye Bye!

It's been very interesting, this thread. In particular the responses to my own story:

You were unreasonable to cut off conact just like that
I didn't, it was a long process, too long
Well, you should have told her what your problem with her was
I did
You didn't tell her what the problem is, you gave her no chance (again)
I did tell her
Well, you didn't give her a chance to change
I gave her many. Years worth. Too long.
Well… it's still your fault, if she couldn't change it's still probably your fault somehow.. see! you said that she never changed when you gave her chances to!, that means that YOU don't believe she will change, which is a character fault on your behalf!

So it's always going to be my fault. And that's okay. My mother can blame me for going NC without giving her yet another chance. I know I gave her YEARS of second chances.

Then: I don't believe that a lot of people who make allegations of abuse in relationships are liars = you lack empathy and are nasty.

It's interesting how the conversations from EGPs go in cycles. In one instance it's implied that masses of ACs are going NC totally out of the blue! for no reason.
Then.. later in the GPs discussion the same posters say they are being "lied" about, "assassinated" and berated.
That doesn't add up.
It just doesn't add up.
How can they "lie" about you if they "gave you no reason"? The two are mutually exclusive!
What you are saying is the "lies" and you being "berrated" are their reasons. So they didn't go NC "for no reason" did they?, at best they went NC for reasons you don't agree with or believe. They still gave their reasons.

Just because the person being "dumped" in the relationship doesn't agree with the other persons reasons, or doesn't believe them, or believes them to be lies. doesn't make the dumping "unjustified"

I've been following some threads on Mumsnet the last few days, mostly the relationship ones, and get the impression that there's huge number of members. They all chip in and end up with a jumble of opinions and no consensus. Not even two strong opposing opinions, which we often get on here.
I sometimes wonder if the OP ends up more confused than ever about her problem.

I think this comment hands down wins the thread as an own goal

No, the threads don't reach a "consensus".. what were you expecting? "yes, we all agree that all our parents are X, Y and Z"?
Thats…. a really mechanical and odd expectation from a support thread

They wind on as people share their individual experiences. It might go like:
A"I am remember a particular instant where my parents said ___ "
B"Mine never did that, quite the opposite actually, rather than criticise me all the time they were just plain disinterested"
C"My experience was more similar to Bs than As, except it also had the added dynamic of_______"
B"That must have been hard C, in some ways I think I'm lucky that I didn't have siblings to be compaired to"

And so on…

Why would they have to reach a "consensus", it's sharing stories? some posters will have a lot in common with others, some wont. They don't need to all sing from the same hymn sheet by the end or "pick a side"