Nasty thread on Mumsnet about a Gransnet thread

P.S. Sorry to write still another post, but Rosy, I meant to say so sorry about your illness and your resulting concerns about travel. (((Hugs)))

As for DIL's failure to send a Get Well card or message, she may have thought that DS' visits covered that. If it were me, I would still have sent a card or something. But she may not think that way. Just saying that here, too, it may just be a different way of looking at things.

Ok, now I'll be quiet.

Good morning Wendy. Thank you for your thoughts.

The visits were Friday to Sunday, and organised in the same way they have always been, by my son. "We'll be home for the weekend on such and such a date....is that OK with you? Can't wait to see you mum". I bought all their favourite foods, and arranged lunch out on the Saturday, at an animal petting farm with lovely woodland walks. I was still learning to walk again following spinal surgery, which had resulted in septicaemia, so still a bit wobbly. It had been my DIL's birthday a few days prior to one of their visits, so I bought a little birthday cake and a nice bottle of wine, along with a few lovely presents. My son had to remind her several times that they were there, before she bothered with any of them. We had the cake and wine, but she didn't open the presents, just took them to their bedroom to put in her case.

The first weekend I was home from the hospital, it was my birthday. My son came home to spend it with me, and handed the phone to me to speak to her a couple of times. My health wasn't mentioned, just that it was good that I was back home in time for my birthday. She was in the last stages of her pregnancy at that time, so maybe she resented my son being with me. Prior to his daughter being born, he always came home at special times, including Christmas. I told him many times that I thought they should be together, but he said he loved being home. His wife preferred to go to her family, despite my suggesting that they spent Christmas with one of us and the New Year with the other. In fact she was there for several weeks before and after the birth. Now of course my son, quite rightly, spends these times with his daughter, and his wife's family. I have told him that this is how it has to be. To a certain extent, I'm his past, his little girl is his future.

I was always a very outgoing person, before my illness, with a rather wicked sense of humour. I can only wonder if I inadvertently said something that offended her.

When I read the other's stories, I actually count my blessings. It isn't how I thought it would be, but no one can take away the love that my son shows.....at least I hope not! I just miss him. Calls/texts/emails can't replace a hug can they?

Expect nothing - then you can't be disappointed - that's my motto!

Oh Rosyglow, you are not your just son's past, you are his present and should be in his and his D's future too. You have an important role in his family as his mother, his D's grandmother and m.i.l. to your d.i.l., if only she would let you. I really feel for you and your sonbut am so pleased that he still shows you that he loves you. I know what you mean "I just miss him.....(nothing can) replace a hug".

When we skype our son In Aus. or talk on the 'phone, it's just so good to hear him say 'mum'; how I miss that. I've kept 3 pf his messages on our answer 'phone, just so I can hear his voice, hear someone calling me mum.

Yes Celeb, the reasons I was given for not having him for childcare were initially that I hadn't spent enough time with him. Difficult to have done otherwise when it was difficult to get any where near him. Interesting that she took the time to introduce him to a childminder, a complete stranger who as lovely as I'm sure she is, only looks after him because she's paid to do so. Later, when things had deteriorated we were told that they'd wanted "reliable and stress free childcare".

Herof our close relationship Wendysue. The night they got engaged she told me she had only child syndrome and didn't share. Before they married ES told me they'd argued more than once because she resented our 'phone calls, his calling in to see me and even the 2 of us laughing and joking together when Mr. S. and I were visiting them or they were visiting us.

Before they married she told me that she used to have a problem with my relationship with ES, admitted to her jealousy but said she was 'over it' now. She hadn't realised that that was how parent/child relationships could be. She did have a difficult childhood; I knew her mother for several years before they got together, we were actually really good friends, so I know from her and d.i.l. that things could have been an awful lot better.

It would be fair to say that her's was a pretty dysfunctional family which makes it all the more that being welcomed into a 'normal' loving family, she should desire not just to reject it once married and pregnant, but quite literally rip it apart.

Hello ladies,

Full disclosure, I'm a Mumsnetter and I don't have personal experience of estrangement, so I'm not going to comment on that.

I do have strong feelings about keeping safe online and having talked to GNHQ about it I'd like to point some stuff out. Sorry if I go on!

Most of the conversations about sharing GC names etc publicly have talked about what would happen if the EC found this thread and used it against you. That's definitely a risk. It's also a risk that someone could use knowledge of GC to harm them.

But don't forget that *literally anyone* can see these posts, including cyber criminals. With the info given on COOTL about some posters, including location, occupation, some surnames, dates of birth as well as things that are often used as passwords (GC names, birthdays, pet names, wedding anniversaries) a criminal could have a good shot at stealing the identity of a poster or their family member. A burglar could have a good stab at working out someone's address and then wait until you were on holiday.

I know that GN guidelines don't forbid posting names and I think that's right. A name in isolation can't give you that much. It's the build up of information that is a problem. Also I know that the regular posters have already taken this on board and that the current thread has been edited. But of course most of the info is still there on the previous four threads.

I don't want to be alarmist, but the Internet is a scary and lawless place some times. I've reported the posts that had surnames or addresses in them so hopefully that should help. Chances are things will be fine this time, but I hope anyone reading this who doesn't see the issue with posting identifiable information can bear it in mind.

Thanks for reading my mammoth post! to you all xxxxx

What is COOTLE?

How lovely to have a Mumsnetter coming on here to take care of us old dodderers.

Cut Out Of Their Lives
She makes a very valid point though.

It's good advice since it seems that some of the old dodderers hadn't thought of any of that.

Rosyglow you sound like a lovely person and mother and you were very thoughtful with your d.i.l with her b/day gifts, cake & wine. I I'm sure you have the same problem as me with your d.i.l; jealousy! All I can say is that you haven't been totally cut out, like some of us on here, so do everything you can to keep it that way. I know it must hurt, with your d.i.l's unfriendly behaviour, especially not letting you push your GD in the pram you bought! and not seeing much of them.
Next time your Son's down, try to diplomatically let him know how you feel and how much you miss seeing your baby GD, but be super careful how you word it, as he could repeat this to his wife, so bare that in mind. Good luck & God Bless

Stopsharing I take your point, nice for you to show concern xx

Jinglbells you are naughty!!

Stopsharing - thanks for your post, I agree 100%.

I've reported the posts that had surnames or addresses in them so hopefully that should help.

Wow, what a big task! I think it's really kind of you to have made such an effort, Stop.

Playing devils advocate..... What if I don't want you to police me stop . What if I am happy with the information I share? What if I believe MY information is fine to share?

Wow what a busy person you are garlic cake?

Wow what a busy person you are garlic cake

Huh?

N&G, I see your point but, as GNHQ have already explained, they can be held liable for certain consequences.

I guess that's an issue if you are estranged from family members Garlic . I count my lucky stars I'm not. Just although anyway !

I meant just a thought......oh for and it option lol

You're welcome, Rosy! And thanks for tolerating my writing so much!

IMO, it's beautiful the way you went all out for DS and family, especially for DIL's birthday, after just having had surgery! Some people would have just begged off doing anything special,, saying, "I can't do much..." I don't know if they appreciate that, but I do.

I'm not surprised that DS always arranges the visits - that goes along with the yours/mine idea. Nor am I too surprised that DIL didn't mention your illness on the phone that other time. Maybe she thought expressing happiness that your home was enough. Or that your actual illness was too personal or sensitive an issue. Maybe as you say, she was upset that DH wasn't with her since she was "in the last stages of pregnancy." Unfortunately, she may be blaming you for that, even though it wasn't your fault.

Granted, DS was in a tough position - go to DM who just got home from the hospital and has a birthday coming up or stay with DW who's close to giving birth. Unfortunately, she may feel he chose you over her and the coming baby - very likely a HUGE issue for her - again NOT your fault, but SHE MIGHT be blaming you (sigh).

It IS odd, IMO, that DIL responded so coldly (or so it seems to me) to your efforts for her birthday. Was this before of after DS' visiting you during her pregnancy? if it was after, that could be why, as unfair as that may be.. Or, perhaps you're right, she was hurt by some quip or other you made. Can you think of what it might have been? Has she or DS said/hinted at anything?

"Prior to his daughter being born, he always came home at special times, including Christmas. I told him many times that I thought they should be together, but he said he loved being home. His wife preferred to go to her family, despite my suggesting that they spent Christmas with one of us and the New Year with the other. In fact she was there for several weeks before and after the birth. Now of course my son, quite rightly, spends these times with his daughter, and his wife's family."

I may be all wrong, but it sounds to me as if there were some issues between them before GD came along. Or it may just be that they each had some difficulty letting go of their own side of the family or working out a way to alternate holiday visits. as you suggested. Now that he's a father, it appears that DS has matured enough to prioritize his new core family (himself, DIL and GD) and let go of you and other relatives a bit. But DIL hasn't learned to let go of her side, as yet. Or she won't cuz she's still mad at something you said and/or at DS' leaving while she was pregnant. Much of this is more about them than it is about you ( well, except if one of your comments inadvertently hurt her). So sorry about that.

Then again, it could just be that they live closer to her relatives and that's much easier for them, right now. Maybe as GD gets older they'll begin to alternate the holidays a little more. It may be a good idea to just wait and see.

" I have told him that this is how it has to be. To a certain extent, I'm his past, his little girl is his future."

This I think, is a beautiful attitude! So is your appreciation for DS' love and the fact that he communicates with you as often as he does. I get what you''re saying about emails and texts not be able to "replace" a "hug." But they're better than nothing, yes? If you keep whatever contact you have as pleasant as possible, I doubt you have anything to worry about where he's concerned. Hopefully, in time, that good relationship will include GD.

P.S. Have you and DS considered skyping or FaceTime? Still not the same as a hug, but at least it's face to face contact.

Smileless, it sounds as if DIL's dysfunctional past has impacted your relationship with her and ES and GC. How sad and unfair. I truly feel for you.

Stop, I haven't shared any identifying information, but I think you make excellent points.

NaG even if you are not estranged, it's not very clever to share info about yourself that could, at the same time, identify family members.

I have Learnt this to my cost, as I go on a closed group which is private, unlike this forum.

I can't believe I was so silly now.

I dont have anything to hide but it has caused repercussions for me sadly

So sorry to hear this celebgran. I was 'stung' too, on the first Forum I joined (expats in France) when one of the mods began to make enquiries with people in the town we used to live in the UK. Like you, nothing to hide- but it was most shocking and unpleasant when we found out.