Relationships are they so awful?

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SOS 'to me'
Not sure why grandmother came out twice!

Bluebelle123 I totally agree with you. We are stuck with our families through accident of birth, and although we may share same genes there's nothing to say we will/should all get along. What do they say "you can choose your friends...." I think expectations are unrealistic and also agree with Anya that life is different these days and family dynamics are changing. If you all love one another great, but if not don't fret.

What happens too with forums like GN and other social media is that things are discussed ad infinitum.

I mean, most of the family stuff that went on in my life when I was younger, no one outside of my immediate friendship circle knew about. So disappointments, resentments, heartache etcetera weren't raked over, and so seemed to "blow over" quicker.

I meant to add: years ago one of my teachers told me that relationships are one of the greatest challenges in life. When I understood that, and ever since, I just find the ones in my life, interesting.

I bet I could pick out the screwed up ones on here,and yes it often follows from generation to generation,of course it do,the kids grow up thinking that's normal.The world is a very different place to the one our parents grew up in.Not always better.Perhaps greed has a lot to do with it,they want it all and they want it now.Well you know what,"you can't fuc---g have it all.The ones next door to me(nice people) but I can't keep up with them,I don't have a clue who's who.The best things in life are free anyway,sit back and take stock(as they say) there's a lot of good out there,and you don't have to go very far to find it.Count your blessings,there's always some one worse off than you.

I bet you couldn't. We hide ourselves behind a mask if we are savvy.

When I had my fist child, my mother came to see the baby and said to me she would never babysit so don't ask. She said her time of looking after children was over.

I never asked her. She lost out on a lot when I think about it !

I'll do anything for my family if I can and I have the time. if i can't do it I will say so.

I don't allow anyone to take advantage as it breeds bad feeling, but if someone is ill then I will help all I can.

If you are a good person with good intentions people can and will take advantage. It's up to you to set the bar. I think you get more respect by saying 'No' now and again.

I blame over exposure and over analysis of everything! Victoria Wood had it right with 'we just turned the radio up and got on with it'.

Can you imagine anything like the Jeremy Kyle show when we were young, or even more horrifying - when our mothers were? So many seem so over interested in other people's REALLY personal lives - people they do not even know, just vacuous 'celebrities' who do not seem to mind airing everything on TV/Facebook. Surely half of the drama, ecstasy and complications in these lives are fiction, and can lead to high expectations in those who follow. We have so much to be grateful for - not the least peace, the NHS, a mild and gentle climate and a system of government that won't see you in a dungeon having nasty things done if you criticise the PM....as far as we know!

Perhaps what I am trying to say in these ramblings is that lower expectations might well lead to a lot more happiness ; I remember Del Boy uttering the immortal line, many years ago now: 'Families - they hold you back, drag you down and break your bloody heart.'

How lovely that your family life growing up was 'a smooth ride' Jenty61 I envy you. Unfortunately not everyone had such a good upbringing. Mine? A drunken, violent, alcoholic, abusive father and a mother so physically and mentally downtrodden that she sometimes neglected us children. My life isn't always a walk in the park these days but I wouldn't go back to that for anything.

Exactly Rosina turn up the radio
Or roll up your sleeves.
My point about my exhausting day was that it was not a patch on how my grandmothers days were keeping body and soul together during Clydebank blitz.
I never heard one word of complaint from her lips.
My own father deaf from 4 yrs old never once said 'why me' he made his way in the world.
My DM was diagnosed with breast cancer at 48. I looked after her till the end. 6 yrs later with 2 young children in tow.
I was happy to do so but a struggle all the same. No car we walked the 4 miles there and back everyday as not on bus route.
Today our DC have to face different challenges, but I'm so glad that they are not the ones faced my grandparents.

Expectations of life are completely different now and will be again for future generations.

The one thing that I have instilled in my DC is 'you do not wash your dirty linen in public'!

"Family life has always been a mix of highs and lows."

So agree with this ^^. But as PPs have said, the expectations have changed. I don't think there are more, necessarily, just different ones. Once, for example, women were expected by many to be sweet and uncomplaining. Now many expect us to speak up for ourselves. So - more open conflict but perhaps less hidden pain.

IMO, families and beliefs about what they're "supposed to" be are changing. So we hear gripes we wouldn't have heard in the past. And people distance each other for things that were once seen as "aggravating-but-par-for-the-course."

And yes, I agree that these Internet forums encourage complaints about families and questions about what's "normal." But, IMO, that also means we have a "safe place" (mostly) to explore issues we might not have voiced in the past.

So yeah, a lot has changed. But it's not necessarily "better" or "worse," IMO, just different.

I grew up in a normal, nice family and see my brother and his family following that. Unfortunately, I was divorced, remarried and widowed. Currently I have 2 sons at home in their late 30s - one never left and one returned a few years ago (with another son in his own place who has kids). The 3 of them argue a lot and there's all sorts of issues going on, which I won't go into here. I really don't think I'm expecting too much for my children to be self-sufficient and not expecting me to keep them now I'm on a pension. I wonder what I've done wrong.

I think that it is just that now people expect there to be a solution. I was born in 1952 and you pretty much had to accept your family as it was. Nowadays children can at least ring Childline and women have an exit and men can leave without being charged with child abandonment. Modern media has also made people realise that they are not alone with their particular problems. For all the problems of entitlement or people giving up too easily, I think things are a million times better today.

My mother came from a large family and there were 3 sisters. they lived in permanent competition with each other. Who had moved up the social ladder, whose husband earned most, and whose children were best at school etc etc.
Then Grandma died and they started in earnest fighting about the will. Then my mother suddenly died and they were there, this time weeping and I just told them its too late and showed them the door! That was my mother's family.
Our own family sufferd from a bad tempered father I'll not say more. I'm glad to have it all behind me and in my own family I am satisfied that we show each other respect and consideration. But I don't live my life through my children.
There are definitely some clinging mothers on this Forum who say they have fabulous relationships with their daughters until daughter wants to live her own life.
in this case GN is a good place to discuss it and to get another point of view.

What is IMO???

Relationships :- I suppose they are affected / effected by surroundings, enviroment / s, finances, Education, experience/s, housing etc, etc. In the past :- larger families, closer proximity, difficulties to live with such as overcrowding etc. Possibly people shared tasks, had similar experiences, delegated tasks etc.

Whereas "nuclear family", long working hours, taking work home, commuting, living distance from other family members etc. Seems more isolating, less social etc. Some have become self - centred, materialistic etc. Yet it seems that relationships, socialising etc is important to mankind. Yet many workplaces may have little or no access to a work canteen ( parliament has High Class Restaurant Discounted via British Taxpayers Contributions). :- "Them and Us".

Parents are keen / eager to Bond with their children. Babies and children are valued in our Society. Individuals / People seem to need to be Valued and Respected irrespective of their age etc. Maybe that attitude / culture could "Improve the Health of the Nation".

Alea - I've somehow missed your thread. I agree that there seems to be too much made out of family problems these days. And young people are led to have too high expectations or relationships. We should all be like the Waltons.
As Grannyknot wrote, these things have always happened, but they were kept within the family. You don't wash your dirty linen in public!
Then things change, hopefully for the better. Problems are forgotten and you move on.
I could write long stories about crises in our family, but TG they've passed and we survived.

IMO - In My Opinion

You don't wash your dirty linen in public!

Posting on the internet under a username is hardly washing your dirty linen in public.

I agree with Jaycee above; people have more options and access to much better information, so there's less pressure on us to suffer silently behind a closed door.

Both my grandfathers (born around 1900) had long-running affairs: one had a second family! Grandmothers couldn't throw them out or leave, they had to "just get on with it", or suck it up in modern parlance. Two wars and Spanish flu decimated their families, along with other illnesses and injuries that were not treated. No family was without deep wounds. It breaks my heart to think of what my grandmothers went through. My dad was a sadistic psychopath (I'm not exaggerating) but we "just got on with it" and kept up a good front. Mum didn't even believe men could be kind to their female partners until several years after his timely death. Needless to say, I went on to marry two bullies and knew no different, until I received better information and re-set my values.

I am upset to think there are still so many who feel we should suck up the pain, for the sake of their heavily-papered view of the world around them.

I am upset to think there are still so many who feel we should suck up the pain, for the sake of their heavily-papered view of the world around them

Are there?

I don't think you quite got what I meant garlicCake. I am not suggesting that dysfunctional families or members with real issues should passively submit to what life dumps on them or "suck it up"(a phrase I hate), but I was wondering if the % of dissatisfied posters truly reflects how we feel about life, families and relationships. If it does, I fear we are not a happy cross section (see what Indid there?) of society.
There is a lot of umbrage being taken over what in the wider scheme of things have to be trivial issues- forgotten birthday cards, who gets invited (or not) to whom for Christmas, grannies who are not asked to babysit, grannies who feel put upon because they are required to childmind 5 days a week, people who fall out with their in-laws, wives who gave grown bored with their ageing husbands, grown up children taking the bank of mum and dad for granted, tall hedges, coping with snow, grandchildren who fail to say thank you , etc etc etc.. I could go on.
Everybody likes a moan from time to time, but as som body pointed out a few weeks ago, there sometimes are not a lot of smiles on GN threads .

I don't think it was you talking about dirty linen & stoically uncomplaining Blitz housewives, Alea. My comment was intended to support posters saying the internet provides much-needed support and information, as well as offering company and an escape. On the whole, I think it broadens our horizons - depending on how we use it!

There's a joke about if you could meet people from the past. You'd tell them:
"I have a device in my pocket that can access all of the information everywhere in the world, any time, anywhere, and can put me instantly in touch with millions of people!
"I use it to argue with strangers and look at pictures of kittens."


I fear we are not a happy cross section (see what I did there?) - I do!

People say the same about Mumsnet. Neither 'mums' nor 'grans' are as bad as the arguers on, say, Reddit or the Daily Mail comments. Maybe the world just is full of secretly grumpy, resentful people and the anonymity of the Web gives them courage to vent their unhappy thoughts? In the not-so-good old days, I bet they'd have been chortling at the latest hanging or ducking, and snitching on their neighbours to the priest.

Fortunately, there are lots of lovely, kind, clever & funny people online, too.

DH and myself are not grumpy, resentful people but we have suffered at the hands of people who were supposed to protect us. I don't see why we should chuckle at our unhappy thoughts.

DH and myself are not grumpy, resentful people but we have suffered at the hands of people who were supposed to protect us. I don't see why we should chuckle at our unhappy thoughts.

Don't know why it posted twice