Daughter-in-law jealous of granddaughter

I don't understand what makes you think your DIL is jealous of your GD? It's more like she is hurt, or as Farnworth suggests under valued, for herself and your son because you show more attention to your grandchild than them. They don't have children, their choice? Or are they hiding the fact that one of them is infertile? Being childless does not mean they miss having children. If that's the case, DIL may feel you are overtly emphasising their lack of children, as though they are failing in some way. I'd have a look at making sure there is a balance in the family photos.

Maybe, in as matter of fact a way as possible, Abigailanne you could reassure your son and daughter-in-law that you fully respect their decision not to have children. At the same time, they can't expect you not to love your granddaughter as much as you would love their children, if they had any. It can be really difficult for some people, having made a decision like theirs and loudly trumpeted it, to change their minds (sorry guys, but especially men) because they feel they'll look foolish, but surely it's better to feel as if you look foolish, briefly, than to look back with regret when it's too late.

Can't help thinking that your DIL is being a bit 'precious ' about this. What pictures you display in your own home should be entirely your choice. (If you fancy a naked picture of Benedict Cumberbatch or Johnny Depp, that's fine too lol) As for the Christmas thing, well isn't that what it's all about.....children and family? If they don't want to be a part of that, it's surely their loss so don't change the Christmas you want, and let them do what they want with theirs.

I don't think you should take down your photos just because your DIL objects to them but you could put some photos of your DS and DIL around - perhaps make a collage of their wedding photos and some nice holiday photos of them too.

It does sound as if she may have changed her mind about children and perhaps your son has not; a difficult situation, however I have known people who were adamant they never wanted a family, have changed their minds or been persuaded by their partner and have become doting parents.

Does your family come over from Australia every Christmas?
Lucky you! No wonder you make your DGD the centre of attention at Christmas, I find that they are so fascinating at that age. Perhaps you could have a special day with your DS and DIL too at another time.

There may be a small possibility that your DIL can't have children or is having difficulty conceiving and is hurting inside and this is her way of showing it. Things are not always clear cut.

Thanks everyone. Photos of all family on display so not that. Can have children so not that either, afraid if is my son's decision and she says she accepted it but I really don't think she has. I have tried and tried but she told me many years ago that I'd never be close to her and not to try. It's all too hard! I'm over it

Your daughter in law made a mistake by marrying your son.She ought to have chosen a man who was accepting of the idea of children.
It seems that she is not jealous of your grand daughter as such,but rather that your grand daughter reminds her that she has no children of her own.

Maybe you've tried too hard, Abigail. Some people just don't want a close relationship with ILs and that's that. I don't get it but some people are like that.

Even though you have photos of all family around the house, DIL may still think you have "too many" of GD. And, I can't know, of course, maybe it does look like "a shrine" to GD? But you know what? As PPs have said, that's you're right. DIL doesn't get to dictate what photos go up in your home, anymore than you could decide what ones go up in hers.

Still, you could put some in albums, as suggested earlier, if that would help. But thinking this over, I realize that might just make DIL feel she has some clout in YOUR home. On the other hand, if you feel she's really hurting under the "no kids" decision, it might be a kindness you'd be happy to do. Up to you, naturally.

Other options would be to see them only in their home (if they invite you) or arrange to meet in a neutral setting.

Then again, now that you've given us a little more history, this all may just be an excuse to stay away since she's not that into you, anyhow. If they choose to join everyone for Christmas, fine. If not, oh well, maybe better for all. Again, you can always see DS and DIL on an alternate day (if they are willing), perhaps meeting up at a restaurant (neutral setting, with no photos of GD, etc.).

Claire, you sound very wise. Hope that visit goes well!

Wendysue, I think you are possibly right, maybe I try to hard and she doesn't really want that. She is a 40 year old woman and has banned her 2 Grannies from being at her parents' house (they are 90 & 96) at Christmas because they ruin it for her. Think I'm on a hiding to nothing! I don't want to be awful but just thought I'd give you an insight to what I'm up against!

She is a 40 year old woman and has banned her 2 Grannies from being at her parents' house (they are 90 & 96) at Christmas because they ruin it for her.

So is Christmas just for her?
If I was her mother I would say that I was very sorry indeed if she decided not to join us and her grannies!
Sounds as if she has run rings around her parents and now is trying to do the same with you.

What an unpleasant woman to ban her grannies from Christmas celebrations. If I were you, I wouldn't care how she felt about your GD. Would you want this sort of person as a friend if she wasn't your DiL? A 40-year-old spoilt brat and control freak!

I never used to think she was spoilt, I now realise she maybe wasn't materially spoilt but has been allowed to rule the roost since being a very small child. I could not believe it when she uttered that statement the other day. Too late for action now I fear.

Well, obviously, DS finds something lovable in her. But I feel sorry for her parents. She's running their home and she doesn't even live there at this point (unless she and DS moved in with her parents)! Now it seems as if she's trying to do the same with your home.

Perhaps you're better off if she and DS don't come for Christmas. I know you'll miss DS, but you may be dodging a bullet here.

Isn't it funny that we still expect women to be welcoming and family orientated and not to express any opinion that contravenes this. Your DIL obviously doesn't really enjoy family get togethers and is honest enough to say this, but she is condemned as being "spoilt" and "controlling". Men do it all the time, skulking off somewhere if they are made to attend and grumbling about relatives.You could try talking to her about other things and not mentioning your GD. In expecting women to be thrilled and fascinated by children we are just perpetuating stereotypes.

Oh dear Abigailanne it certainly sounds as if DIL is making sure that she is in control of absolutely everything around her. She ensured your son knew before she married him that there would be no children and made sure that he passed the message on to you. Her relationships with her own family are very telling too in that she doesn't want her grandmothers taking attention from her.

It is worth remembering that people do what they do because of their own issues and her behaviour is telling you all about her and it is absolutely not about you. You need to work on your responses and take a step back. Sadly from the snippets you have told us she is not coming over as a well balanced woman at all.
So far she has her own family well under control, your son would seem to be the same and now she is moving on to you, her PILs. You mustn't let her control you by allowing her to push your buttons and you need to keep her guessing. You must think carefully about everything she says and does and don't let her drive a wedge between any of you. You need to be in protective mode but keep that very much under the radar. When she says something that you find hurtful ask yourself why, what is she trying to achieve and how do I defuse this? For example when she says things like she did about all the photos of your DGD being like a shrine it could be a good way of defusing the situation, and to make light of it, by pausing to consider what she says and then saying in a considering sort of way that you understand what she is saying but actually, no, it doesn't apply here. DGD is very much delightfully alive and is much loved and since you don't see her often enough you all love to see her photos around.
Sticking with the photos theme it appears that when she criticized the number of photos she was actually putting you on the defensive and making you feel inadequate and questioning yourself on what you are doing. People do that kind of thing to you to control you and when you react defensively you are handing over control to them. Another way of defusing this may be to ask how many photos of their own nearest and dearest they have in their own home and then whatever they say you can just smile and say how fortunate it is that none of us are the same and reiterate that you are very happy with the way you have your things in your own home. Just keep it light and friendly and even jockey but firm. Whilst you could just say "Nonsense" very firmly and change the subject you need to think carefully about what that could lead to.
Whilst you need to be compassionate you need to be detached about this relationship with your DIL, be caring without 'owning'. any of her issues and problems because that way you keep your own emotions out of it and you keep your own values and your own decisions about your own life. You have to step back and let your DS sort out their problems if he can. Keep all lines of .communication open and no confrontations at all as she will remove your son from your orbit if it makes her more comfortable.

Do some research on control by family members and see if anything rings warning bells. I may well be wrong but somehow I doubt it. The problem is that most people are too nice to see this kind of behaviour for what it is until it has got past the point of no return and it is well nigh impossible to come back from the situation that has resulted. Been there and got the t-shirt.

Please forgive the looong post!

Thanks again everyone, we are all entitled to our opinion but when you are the one suffering at the hands of it, it is not nice. Synonymous, I can tell you've had similar problems. I try to keep lines of communication for my son's sake but I'm sure he sees it as all his fault and therefore stands by all she says even to the cost of his family relationships. I realise she is his main priority and am glad he sees that, just hard x

As well as synonymlous's "you understand what she is saying but actually, no, it doesn't apply here. DGD is very much delightfully alive and is much loved and since you don't see her often enough you all love to see her photos around" you could add "You must give me some more photos of yourself and DS so that I can have them around the house too"

Kills two birds with one stone - tells her that you are not going to be put on the defensive about the photos, and that you are happy to include her and DS in your photo display - you are not being selective.

Elegran's suggestion is helpful if it ever naturally comes up again but I wouldn't reopen that issue yourself.

Abigailanne if your son ever actually says that it is his fault just lightly reassure him that it really isn't and that you are there for him whatever. Don't ever criticise his wife or his choice and what has resulted. Lightly does it.
Working out how to tackle issues as they come up takes practise but will get easier and you will never get it right every time so just don't hit yourself with anything - life is too short!
Is your husband aware of the situation and ramifications? If so you might feel it worthwhile to show him this thread as it is important to be singing from the same sheet.

Lets put it like this if your DIL was in fact an SIL would you still expect them to be fascinated by your GDs photos? Or would you find it acceptable and allow them to talk about footie or the garden or their job? Maybe your DIL realises how antagonistic you are towards her "give you an insight to what I'm up against" and has decided she might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Maybe as well she has a rather wicked sense of humour and enjoys winding you up (hence the grannies). My brother always asked his MIL things like "Where did you park your broomstick?" but she was a feisty lady quick to answer back and they were very close. But anyone hearing some of the things they said to each other might have thought they were sworn enemies. Finally if she has told you you'll never be close and you aren't bothered what is this thread all about?

Abigailanne have sent you a pm.

A voice in the wilderness trisher!

Do some research on control by family members and see if anything rings warning bells. I may well be wrong but somehow I doubt it. The problem is that most people are too nice to see this kind of behaviour for what it is until it has got past the point of no return and it is well nigh impossible to come back from the situation that has resulted
So true Synonymous.
Sometimes it can take years for other family members who have not encountered this type of behaviour to realise that an in-law is totally self-centred, jealous-natured and resents any attention being taken away from themselves.
At its worse it could be a narcissistic personality disorder.

However, I wonder if she is still wishing for children and hiding this behind a mask of indifference, even dislike.

Go lightly and do not absorb her bad vibes.

"Lets put it like this if your DIL was in fact an SIL would you still expect them to be fascinated by your GDs photos?"

Trisher, where did the OP say she expected DIL "to be fascinated by (her) GD's photos?" She just said DIL complained about the number of them. I wonder, if DIL were an SIL would she have done that?

"... what is this thread all about?"

Trisher, look again. DIL is now refusing to come for Christmas cuz of GD and it looks like DS won't be there either. No great harm, but where does it go from there? DIL seems to be trying to control what photos the OP displays in her home, how much fuss she makes over her long distance GD and may drive a wedge between herself/DS and the OP. And the OP would like to know how to handle it so that none of that occurs. THAT, I think is what this thread is all about.