Is a 29 year age gap acceptable?

It seems it's not so much the age gap that's worrying as the relationship in general. When my husband and I got together (he's ten years younger than me) his mother wrote me a letter in which she expressed her concerns about the implications of the age age difference in our later years. There was no criticism, just a caring mother's genuine fears for her son. However, she and my father in law made the decision that if we went ahead with marriage they would offer us their support. This they have always done and now, thirty years into my marriage, they and I have the closest relationship imaginable.

It seems as if your son is going to need you to help him pick up the pieces at some time in the future Pigglywiggly, so I'd suggest that you say your piece to both of them about your worries, but then make sure they know that you'll give them all the support you can as the relationship progresses.

DD1 married a man 16 years older than her 8 years ago. She is now 40 and he is 57. He is sports mad and very fit. I wasn't worried so much about the age gap (although he's only 6 years younger than me) as I was afraid she'd got with him on the rebound after a previous relationship broke up quite suddenly. However they seem very happy and as long as she's happy so am I

I am lost for words at fiorindas post.

well love is love

My (second) husband is 24 years younger than me (making him 3 years younger than my older child). His mother is 5 years younger than I am. He was 22 when we met (I was 46) 5 years ago. Some people that age are very immature and might not be old enough to know what they really want from life, others are perfectly capable of making important, life-changing decisions, most are somewhere in between, and that probanly goes for any adult age.

Making sweeping generalisations like '21 year olds aren't mature enough to know what they want' is really unhelpful and patronising. Every one is different.

What is important is that our loved ones are happy and their relationships have integrity and they are treated with respect. It's not relevant what age the OP's adult child's partner is, what's relevant is whether he/she treats her/him with respect and whether she/he is truly happy in the relationship. Unfortunately the OP hasn't told us this.

I would not like the thought of it but it all depends upon the couple doesn't it

It's a personal choice and solely up to the couple involved. I would never have taken advice on it at the age of 22 when I married my late husband who was many years older than me. We had a very good marriage for a good many years and had a son. I wish I could say that it was a happy marriage a bit later on - he couldn't cope with having a boisterous child (NOT a naughty child - just a child!) and I began to feel resentful. I remember the happy times with a smile and remember how handsome he was and how romantic it seemed. I wouldn't advocate it for anyone else though!

Susie DD did express her concerns but it didn't stop him going back to the woman. I think the person who said he is thinking with his 'brain' might be right. I certainly don't think this woman really loves him as he is, but maybe thinks she can mould him into what she wants.

The 24 year old daughter of people we knew married a 64 year old bachelor. They seemed happy, had two children and he lived to see them grow up. Obviously not quite what her parents might have chosen but apparently it worked for them.

I married someone who was over 12 years older than me, had been married before, & had a 5 year old son living with him, when I was 18. We are still together ( & I`m 60!), but I can`t say it`s been easy, that`s for sure. Better to be with someone just a few years older, or younger, I reckon.

I am with Widgeon on this one ....my OH is 83 and I am 68 ....I live in France now ..previous in Balearics .....age gap when we met 15 years ago did not seem to be a hinderance. He was extremely active at 68 (more so , indeed, than I am now I am 68 !) .....but now I am that age and would love to travel (he doesn't want to go anywhere ...going to bed at 9.00pm every night, and because of suffering two mini strokes and not being allowed to drive any more, having poor eyesight following an accident, he is very difficult to live with as he still insists he can climb trees, climb onto the roof to clean it, cut hedges with power tools, use a professional saw blade ....I am afraid I had to go out for the whole day one day last week as he was on the roof and I don't like blood !) ...the neighbours are aware and keep an eye on him but he gets extremely frustrated at not being able to do the things he does want to do ...he is now stripping the shutters to re paint them ..not too bad as at least it is a ground level job ! Trouble is, I can just hear everyone say, when he kills himself with his diy ...why did you let him do it .....so yes, in the beginning 15 years was not too great an age gap, but now he is older and difficult maybe it was the wrong decision ....I am now a carer rather than a wife ! I know this happens to people a lot younger than me if illness strikes your other half, and I shall get old and infirm if I live that long ....so it all depends on the person, their health and outlook on life !

It's not really the age gap but the other issues that are more relevant, I wonder if she has problems too with relationships . But as others have said the more you express concerns ..... Difficult and would your DD be able to talk to him more easily . If it is his first serious relationship - we can all remember our first loves , then hopefully it will all die a natural death .

When i was 20 i met a man who was 32.We fell in love and everyone kept saying it would never last.On the 2nd of july next we celebrate our 34 wedding anniversary.However in the last few years , since he retired things were becoming very difficult.I agree its not really abt age more life stadges.The age gap does catch up and make a difference eventually .One has to realise that.

There was a 30 year age gap between my parents and they couldn't have been happier and been better parents than they were.

My uncle married someone over 20 years younger than him...his second marriage. She was the same age as me and their children are similar ages to mine. Now 39 years later he has dementia and she is his carer. Things change when the older person is very old and the younger one still fit and healthy. I saw a difference in my own parents where my father was just ten years older than my mother.

A younger friend of mine married a man 30 years her senior and they were happy for many years. However, now she is fifty, he is eighty, and they are living apart.They are both, fortunately, still healthy and active.However, she says his already unbending views and rigidity of attitude have got very much worse with increasing age. He does not want to know about any problems their now adult children may have, let alone help, as he thinks he should now be able to enjoy an old age free from worry.

(I would be concerned myself if my single 30 year old son wanted to marry a woman thirty years his senior because it would be less likely(if not impossible these days) that I would have any more grandchildren!)

is close to my daughter, who was already at University when he was born. She had discussed it with my eldest son because she wasn't sure whether to tell us. Eldest son wisely said that as he trusted her she shouldn't break his confidence, or he would probably not talk to her about it again. Our daughter did try to warn him off, but he took no notice. He had been seeing the woman for some time before we found out about it.
The comments you have allade have been very helpful, even the ones that assumed a happy relationship, so thank you.

Hmm. A far more complex situation that the original post indicated. Still think there is nothing to be gained from direct criticism. Is there a friend who could talk to your son? Sometimes we listen to people who are not so close to us. Otherwise I think you have to bite your tongue while ensuring he has space at home to return to if he needs a bolt hole.

I imagined a happy couple when I posted,but it seems that there are several weaknesses in this relationship,not relevant to the age gap.
I certainly wouldn,t encourage it.

The age gap isn't really the problem here though, is it? It's more that the woman doesn't remotely understand the OP's son's vulnerabilities. As juggernaut says, is there anyone who supports your son who you can talk to about your concerns?

My closest friend was 22 and married a lovely man of 49. 27 years may seem a big gap but it seemed normal with them. They were so happy devoted had 3 sons, and were married for over 40 years until her husband sadly died. Age is irrelevant if you keep a sense of humour and love each other.

my 2nd husband was 12 years older than my & we had 1 daughter (he had 4 children from his 1st marriage - sadly we hit a tough time financially & he left me for an older woman!!

My 3rd husband was 14 years older than me with 2 grown up children - we were together for nearly 23 years (nearly 21 married) our marriage was very happy & when he retired at 65 I got the chance to take early retirement. sadly he died at 71 leaving me a widow at 56. I don't regret marrying a man older than myself & we had so many happy times.

I think it's how compatible a couple is rather than the age difference

Pigglywiggly
She shows absolutely no understanding of your son's 'problems' at all does she?
Of course he's only demonstrative and loving on his own terms, she should have found out enough about AS to know this.
Maybe she does just want to believe that she's still attractive to young men, but I don't feel that your son is a legitimate 'target' for her silly games.
We all know that there's no proper future in this, and it's your son who's going to come out of it worse off.
Does he have a psychologist/social worker/doctor that you could talk to about how you fear this may affect him?
Do keep us posted on how things progress, and try to be positive, she'll get bored fairly soon!

A male friend of mineach told me the rule of thumb - for men older than women - is half the man's age plus 7 (7 from memory). However, I don't know the rule the other way. She won't be gettingmpremnant to complicate things so you need to put a brave face on and let it run it'seems course, with hopefully little contact with her. Good luck.

Juggernaut her other complaints include that he isn't very demonstrative. He can be very loving, but as he has AS it is always on his terms.
I wonder if she just wants to believe that she is still attractive to younger men.