looking for insight - telling parents when 20 weeks pregnant, likely bad reaction

The only person who needs to know when you go into labour is your husband. Just don't be free with information. If no-one knows when or where you give birth, they can't be there. Seems simple enough to me.

Beats me why mothers ask to be there anyway. It's the prerogative of the pregnant woman to decide who, if anyone other than the midwife and the baby's dad, she wants to be present when her baby is born.

I think you need to take charge of your life more. I don't mean that in an unkind way, it's just that people seem to have pushed you around far too much. Take care and good luck.

Anya - I don't normally lie in difficult situations!

The issue at hand is that my parents delegitimize everything I say and refuse to respond reasonably to perfectly reasonable requests. Also that my mother values perceived social expectations over pretty much everything else, and acts on a whim to respond to those rather than responding to reality. So they're not likely to respond rationally to any requests to leave us alone if they get into their heads the idea that they're going to visit around the time of the birth. Under those corcumstances, I am left with the choice of escalating, or getting round the situation a different way. Generally, little contact and vagueness about details tends to be what works. That is effectively lying by omission, but it has the great advantage that things then don't escalate into vicious rows full of the kind of corrosive criticism that my parents specialize in.

I agree about standing up for the baby - I'm just trying to do it in the least stressful way possible.

It isn't lying. It's running your life as you want to run it. Your parents do not have a right to know anything you don't wish to tell them. They do not own you.

Thanks thatbags - you are making me feel like this running my own life thing is actually something I can do

I've always thought that having an adult relationship with parents is not seeing them as people who "should" behave in any particular way - e.g. not looking to them for support if they're not people from whom one would find support valuable. Also not having a lot of contact with them if the contact isn't rewarding.

I try to hold onto that - most of the time it works, and I'm trying to make sure it does in this particular instance.

Thanks everyone for the support - it has helped!

what a terrible, terrible story Erdo. My heart goes out to you.

First of all congratulations !! This should be a happy time for you and I think you have to take control of that. I'd start by telling your DH's family. Enjoy their joy ! And maybe even gain their support.

Then its time for the tough job. Id tell your parents in their home. If they start their usual shenanigans - tell them why you're leaving , then leave. Don't tolerate it for a second longer. Remove yourself for the situation. Don't apologise , don't lose your temper. Just walk away.

Do that every time they overstep your personal boundaries. Always tell them why you're leaving and why its unacceptable.

Some relationships are toxic . Even parent /child relationships. You have yourself to think about and your new baby.

Whilst the baby is tiny it wont know any better so you can keep up visits but I see absolutely no reason why you should offer yourself up as a virtual whipping boy time after time.

As for the birth - that's between you and your husband. Its what front doors are for !! Keep yours firmly shut until you can cope with a visit. Maybe a new grandchild will melt their hearts, I sincerely hope so , but at least you have in laws who sound nice and normal

Good luck !!

Yes, I understand that erdosrenyl

Personally when I find myself dealing with people like your parents I don't even try to justify myself or my decisions. Just remember what we've all said....your life, your pregnancy, your baby.

You do not have to justify yourself to them in any way

What bags said. You are a grown up and responsible for another life. You don't have to tell lies you just don't tell. The stress this seems to be causing you is not good for you . Take time out from your parents. Like nine months . Tell them by email with lots of smiley emoticons. You are fortunate in that you now know how not to bring up children.

Poor mothering is a huge cross to bear, and your mother seems to have all the necessary qualifications for a medal in that regard!

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever why this lady should have any involvement in your pregnancy, the birth, or the upbringing of your child. Your pregnancy, your child, so you call the shots. If you do not want this pernicious influence over your child, you need to start getting tough right now!

I had a difficult mother - nothing so overt as your experiences, but I was an unwanted pregnancy and it greatly influenced how I was treated; and she was a lady with both severe PMT and a huge chip on her shoulder about being a woman and was perpetually locked in mortal combat with my Dad which led to some very difficult times for me and my siblings. But, bizarrely, she turned out to be a very good grandma! - so you cannot tell how things might go.

But, if she turns out to be a bad grandma, then you are fully justified in keeping her away from your child, whose protection needs to be your number one priority.

Poor mothering is not your fault and you are to be congratulated on all your achievements. Nor is it learned or hereditary - do not for one moment fear that you will also be bad at mothering - I had a troublesome mother, but my children seem to have turned out fine - I made mistakes, as we all do, but they are lovely people and I am very proud of them.

Good luck with this pregnancy - goodness me, it has ben hard won.

Stay calm, stress is not good for you or the baby.
You are the important ones, and your DH.
they, in particular your mother, sound narcissistic and no - they are not the centre of the universe.
Let them know at the same time as everyone else and then if you are able to tolerate them maintain a civil but distant relationship with them.
It is very difficult but necessary for the health of you and your baby.

If they can't be pleasant, or at least civil, then I would not see them at all.

I hope all goes well and at least you know how NOT to bring up a child.

They sound like people who are not going to be pleasant on any level, either to you or your baby. Sometimes you just can't fix relationships, and you certainly can't if there isn't goodwill on both sides, and it doesn't sound like it here.

It is very hard to cut parents off as it does not feel right, but their behaviour is not right, and all you will do is taint your life and your baby's if they are around pouring nastiness everywhere. I heard someone say once that you should always give parents respect, no matter what. I don't know where it came from but I found myself asking that person if they felt that Fred and Rose West deserved respect from their children, and also people who beat, torture and murder their offspring. Clearly I am not putting your parents in that category but respect needs to be earned, not given as a right. Good luck with your baby, be happy, face forward and don't think about the past.

So sorry to hear this story. I wonder if they need to be in your life at all. You dont want their sort of influence on your child. You need positive people around you

I think a tinkly laugh is grounds for GBH.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and i hope everything goes smoothly and you have a happy and stress free time. ?

What a terrible story.

I think it would be very detrimental to let your parents, who are never going to change now, affect the rest of your pregnancy. They are toxic and could cause you stress.

My father was borderline abusive though I never realised it when I was younger and when I escaped from him finally I kept him at arm's length. I thought it wouldn't do anyone any good to cut off relations entirely, especially as he was as he was because of his own difficult childhood, so I kept up a relationship which was ostensibly polite and friendly. I phoned him and saw him a couple of times a year. We exchanged birthday and Christmas presents and the children were taken for short visits so he and his new wife could meet the grandchildren. I distanced myself from him emotionally so his words and deeds couldn't upset me too much. It worked pretty well as I did not blame myself for coolness between us. The relationship was, in my mind, distant or nonexistant. He was getting a favour by my seeing him at all.

I am not sure you could manage this, though, as it seems that your awful parents 'up the ante' to ensure you are being hurt. Don't let them. As far as the new baby is concerned, the last thing you want to happen is for them to be able to get at the child too or turn him or her against you. Deny or limit access. it's the only way.

I know it's difficult but you have to put yourself, baby and DH first. You're allowed to be selfish.
Any normal parents would be delighted for you, so don't waste your energy stressing about this. Concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy.
Hope it all goes well. [best wishes]

Even good mothers can be difficult to get along with. My mother was (she's still alive; I'll be looking after her for a bit this summer so my brother, who's her usual carer, can go on holiday) a good mother. She has also been very negative towards me and my children, and nosey about stuff that is not her concern. When saying "I don't want to talk about it" didn't stop the interrogations I simply stopped answering the phone when she rang (sorted the phone so I knew when it was her) and I didn't ring her. I kept in touch by sending cards and she did likewise. I didn't visit her for two years. Finally (I'm 60) the message seems to have got across that I'm an adult and in charge of my own life, that a lot of it is none of her business, and that I'm allowed to have a different approach to things from hers.

Or maybe she's just too old to bother any more.

I don't feel guilty. I had to make a stand instead of trying to please her all the time. I care about her. I love her. She taught me a lot. She was a good mother to us all (5) but boy could she be a pain in the butt over trivia! and as critical as hell. I used to think I was imagining it but my sister-in-law spoke to my husband about how critical she has been towards my sister and me. Not my brothers. She accepts them as they are. Sis-in-law thinks her behaviour was a result of her feeling in some way threatened by her independent-minded daughters. I guess I feel sorry for her now too because of that.

I wrote this in the hope it might help someone else.

Hi endorenyi, congratulations on your impending happy event and fingers crossed for you.

I think it is entirely reasonable to keep your news to yourself and to explain, politely but firmly to everyone you tell that you are not mentioning your "news" to your family because you can't quite believe it's true and you'll never cope with the recriminations and fallout if there is no grandchild in apprx 20 weeks time. It will be tricky and stressful for those you tell, but stress that you cannot manage your parent's anxieties and issues at this time and it isn't for other people to decide for you what you can and cannot cope with. Point out the real risks to the health of your unborn child of a stressed mother. Mention your history and say that you've always wondered whether there is some sort of psychological issue linked to your family relationships and that it is possibly significant that it is only now, after that you have learned to keep family at arms length, that you have the possibility of a much longed for child.

I'm the I'm the eldest of 5 children and the least preferred child. Yoir phrases "tinkly little laugh" sent shivers down my spine. My mother and yours should compare notes. I've adopted similar strategies to you. I didn't really make any effort to introduce my children to my Mum until they were teenagers. They never knew my Dad before he died.

I still think I did the right thing. My children laugh at how peculiar my family are without finding it painful, and they understand my issues. Best of all worlds.

As a grandparent now, I realise what I denied my parents and I'm still unreoentant. Enjoy your new family and the rest of your life. Love and blessings

I'm amazed that you have survived this dreadful family life to be the successful and normal person that you obviously have become!

I suppose that your mother might make an excellent grandmother, as somebody has suggested, but who knows, it seems unlikely?!

As for when your baby is due, do you have to tell anybody? You could just tell your inlaws and make it clear that you don't want anyone to know, though I suspect than you are too nice to do this If your mother later turns nasty about not knowing you could always say that you have had so many miscarriages that you didn't want to tempt fate or jump the gun...

Most people seem to announce a pregnancy between 12 and 14 weeks, but as you are already 17 weeks pregnant your own parents will probably imagine that the baby is due somewhat later than your real due date.

You don't say anything about your husband's views on this, and I wonder if he has been able to support you when your mother is vicious. It sounds as though it would be easier to always meet her (with your husband) on neutral territory rather than in either of your homes. Perhaps your husband could tell your father and explain that he doesn't want your mother to give you any grief whilst you are pregnant - or is this just pointless?

The best of luck to you both in this new stage of your lives, it is brave of you to undertake it when you have had such a poor experience of your own family life.

Why are you still having anything to do with your parents at all? . Why haven't you put them completely out of your lives?

Oh. You're in a different country. Shouldn't be difficult to cut ties then. If there are any ties anyway.

What wonderful news for you- congratulations.
The only people who are going to lose out are your parents & I wouldn't worry about it. You don't NEED them- you will manage beautifully & your in-laws will be supportive.
The only thing that matters is you, your husband & your gorgeous child.
Don't let her attitude spoil this for you. You don't need her in your life anymore & if your parents cannot toe the line & behave like normal people then just be done with them. It's their loss.You don't need their approval now you are your own family unit & you will be so busy that you can do without any extra stress in your life.You will meet many new friends during the pregnancy & they will be the ones you turn to for advice if you ever need it as they will be sharing the experience with you.
Enjoy your baby & live your life as you want it & if that is without contact with your family then so be it!
I wish you all the joy in the world with your baby.

I'd cut all ties with them as they sound utterly toxic and utterly not worth the stress. You need to concentrate on YOUR family and that does not include them. If they don't like it, tough shit. They will bad mouth you no matter what you do (terrible mother, poor child having to put up with that, social services always at their door - can see the comments already from them). If they visited they would also criticise - what baby was wearing, how you were feeding, sleep patterns etc. Seriously, I wouldn't tell them jack shit.

If they hear on the grapevine that you're pregnant or have had your baby and demand to know why they weren't told, tell them straight that you won't tolerate their behaviour any more so want no further contact. They'll play the hard done by card but once they realise you aren't backing down then they will hopefully move onto another victim they can bully.

A baby is a time of joy - not of stressing what others think. Especially if those others are poisonous vipers.

I agree with Suzied. Why are they still in your life? I can still remember the precise moment when I realised that just because my father was my father it didn't mean that I had to keep in contact with him. I immediately felt lighter. It was easier because my parents live in Canada but they are your parents by accident or birth. They are in your life now because you are choosing that they be. What do you gain from maintaining contact? They will never change and if anything they will get worse as they get older.
If you do keep them in your lives, remember that their opinions are of no more value than anyone else's and your husband obviously feels differently as I'm sure do other people that you know (including his parents).

That should be accident of birth.

erdosrenyi Firstly many congratulations on your longed for pregnancy. May I suggest that you read a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It was a revelation for me. I hope you find it helpful. Only you will decide the sort of mother that you want to be and from your post I have every reason to believe that you'll be fine. All you have to be is 'good enough' as none of us are perfect. Take care of yourself and baby and enjoy the wonderful journey that you are about to embark on. It's a shame your parents don't want to share in it, but the loss is theirs. Hugs

Personally I wouldn't bother to tell them anything at all. I would just present a fait accompli. In truth it isn't any of their business. I had similar family to yours and one day gave up on them as interacting with them was horribly painful. Life is too short.