looking for insight - telling parents when 20 weeks pregnant, likely bad reaction

I don't understand why you are considering telling your family. These dreadful people are not going to turn around and tell you your news is wonderful.

Tell your inlaws but don't tell your family, they deserve nothing from you. They certainly should never get the chance to be spiteful to your baby.

I had toxic GPs who were as nasty to me and my younger siblings as they were to my mother. I wish she had cut them out of our lives.

I wish you all the best.

This is a sad situation that I understand only too well. My own Mother disliked me very much and I could do nothing to please her. As a result I married very young, luckily to a good kind man and we are still married 50 years later. Once I had my own little family (2 daughters) I became a much stronger individual and no longer needed my Mother's approval. Eventually, at the age of 99 she told me for the first time that she loved me and that I had 'turned out' far better than my siblings. By then I couldn't have cared less what she thought. Distance yourself from negative people and surround yourself only with positive people. Enjoy your new baby and don't feel any guilt about excluding your Mother and sister. Lots of luck and happiness in the future.

Congratulations erdosrenyl on ALL of your achievements so far. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope it goes well for you.
Ask your husband to Protect you from anything negative from Now On. Imo its his duty to to do that for his wife. Try counselling to get you through this time ?
You are Not a victim. You are a sucessful woman on the.verge of a New Life. Count your Blessings every day. There is absolutely no rule that says you must love or even like your parents. THEY are the ones who have rejected you and its now time for you to walk away from them. I feel angry on your behalf. On a bad day PUNCH CUSHIONS saying "I am a special person. I love myself" But Id go for counselling too if I was in your position. Someone non judgemental who you can pour all your feelings out to in a safe atmosphere. Trust me....it will help you and your baby. If you love music, lose yourself in that too. Your baby will enoy it too.Be kind to yourself....cos youre worth it. xx

I agree with all that you say too Belind49 !
Life is too short to allow negative people to spoil it for us...whoever they may be.
It takes time but We Will Overcome !!

Tell everyone shout it from the ROOF TOPS and don't listen to anyone.This is yours and DH much wanted baby. Keep well away from your family as i think they are toxic, you dont want your child to be around them EVER.

Your parents - particularly your mother - did a good job of destroying your self esteem. Despite that, you achieved stellar academic results and a satisfying career. You never needed their approval and you know it. In fact, you didn't really need us to tell you what a mistake it would be to tell your parents about your pregnancy and let them back into your life. Go with your own instincts and keep these nasty people well away from your very precious child and good luck.

So sad for you , erdosrenyi. Can't imagine treating anyone so badly, let alone family. If I treated my DDs like this I would not expect to keep them in my life. I agree with other posts that you must distance yourself, and not rely on your parents for love and comfort. Luckily, there are others who will give you those. All best wishes and (as you can't have the wine).

Many, many congratulations, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful Mum. Please try to avoid stress so that you enjoy your pregnancy; I would be inclined to tell a small fib and tell your parents that your consultant is aware of your parents' attitude and has recommended that you 'distance' yourself during the pregnancy and immediately after the baby is born.
Hopefully they will be mortified to know that your concerns and anxieties have been shared with a professional. Just because they are related (and I hesitate to use the word parents because they don't deserve the title) you don't have to put up with their negativity and downright rudeness.
Very best wishes and enjoy your baby. X

First of all,congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I am at a complete loss trying to understand why you actually have anything at all to do with your parents. Your mother actually said that if you were a 'stupid enough slut to become pregnant she thinks you should have an abortion as you'd make a terrible parent'?! Please please cut yourself loose from these awful people,before they do any more damage. Sorry I can't be more constructive than that OP. I feel for you,I really do. My relationship with my late DM was pretty troubled at times,so I can sort if understand your pain. for you.

Congratulations
Do you really need these people in your life?
The saying you can pick your friends but not your family is so true.
In this world there are some downright horrible and nasty people and unfortunately they happen to be someone's mother,father,brother sister etc.
Keep strong for your new baby and enjoy....
Make the most of your partner and in laws/friends.

For goodness sake take no notice of these hateful people. Just because they are your parents doesn't mean you have to like them or even tolerate them email them that you are pregnant and then ignore them.they are not worth even thinking about. Concentrate on your upcoming baby and live YOUR life your way good luck, and stay strong

Many congratulations Erdos and welcome to the Oldies.

I have to echo many of the comments here - weigh up the value of having your awful and damaging parents and sister in your life (and your child's life) against the relief of being without them.

They surely do not deserve you or the nice little family of 3 you will soon be.

They will have so much more to criticise when you are a mother - you will never do anything right in their eyes. What do they want of you? you are Dr Erdos for heavens sake!

If it were me I would make sure this poisonous quartet had as little as possible to do with their grandchild, another generation to spread their poison on.

By the way - your husband sounds lovely.

How utterly awful for you! I agree with all the advice given so won't repeat it but this is "your" pregnancy and "your" baby so focus on yourself and the baby, no one else! DH's family sound more supportive so turn to them if you need help.

Enjoy being a mum, it is hard work but oh so worth it. Good luck!

I agree with everyone else. First of all many congratulations, how exciting ??.
Your parents don't deserve you and your family, they sound very nasty and toxic you don't need that kind of family. The 'in laws' are much nicer, they will support you in the coming months and show you what a real family is.

Turn the tables on your mother, email her you news when you are further into your pregnancy (even a few weeks after baby is born) then inform her you don't want any visits as she is such an unpleasant person and would have a very negative effect on you all. Leave her to mull over that! As they say "with friends like that who needs enemies"!

Then get back to the most important thing - enjoy your new family and friends and all the love your son/daughter will give yourself and husband in the years ahead.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted - boy or girl ?

Oops, p.s. Just remember you will be a far better Mother than she will ever be. ?

Tell everyone that your due date is one month later than it is, to avoid any aggro around the time of the birth.

Have as little to do with your gruesome parents as you can and let them say whatever they want to their friends as they are already running you down anyway.

Congratulations! This should be a happy and stress free time for you and your baby and you have to ensure that it is.

Your mother seems to have the traits of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it's possible your father is an enabler. Fortunately, you seem to have a handle on the situation and know exactly what your need to do and are possibly only seeking confirmation. I suspect you will have already researched the Cluster B personality disorders and understand that your mother is never going to change her behaviours...but you can. When you become a mother you will have such overwhelming love for your baby that your mother and all her problems with fade into the mist (and let her stay there). Absolute minimum or no contact and your life will be so much happier. I speak from personal experience.

Now, what, when and if you tell your parents about your pregnancy is entirely your own choice but under no circumstances should you tolerate any negative comments or put-downs from them.

I wish you well. Be happy and concentrate on your own little family.

Dear all - many many thanks for all the support. It's really made a difference to feeling I can move on with my head held high and sort out this mothering thing without worrying what my family say. Protective-mother mode will definitely help in drawing very clear boundaries (as will being in a different country).

Sorry to those of you who know what this kind of thing is like.

all round.

Good grief woman - I am very sympathetic to your plight, but I cannot understand why you wouldn't simply cut such toxic people as your parents out of your life completely and forever. They clearly not only don't love you but actively dislike you. Don''t tell them about the pregnancy. When they find out, what they do with the news is up to them - you simply put the phone down if they call after saying you're tired of their mental cruelty to you and you don't want to see them ever again as you don't want your child subjected to their venom. It may sound hard to do, but you'll save your DH and your DC from a world of hurt going down the years if you can just be brave this one time.

I am so excited for you both that you will finally have your own little family
You need to leave behind any negative people and their attitude
Been there done that..
The future for you 3 is what counts......
Motherhood is very precious enjoy and you and dh now have your own family
The other one is now secondary........enjoy the next exciting phase

Remember erdosrenyi - we may all be getting on a bit now, but we too have been daughters and DILs in our time!!

You just need to concentrate ion the joy of your new family-to-be.

If mother makes contact, just keep it distant. If she finds out and does her nut at not being told, then tell her frankly that you do not appreciate the way she treats you and you are determined that your own child should have no part of that. Tell her she has a choice: either behave in a loving and supportive way or you will have to make sure that your child does not fall under her influence. I was forced into a similar conversation with my Dad when I had not been in touch for some time. He asked me why and I told him that I was not prepared for my children to be caught up in their arguments - there had been an incident where one of my children had been upset at being used as a pawn in their battles. Boy did that take me back!

They behaved much better after that as they realised I simply would not have it in my home.

Erdo - congratulations on the pregnancy. Your story rings many bells.

My mother was always nasty to me because I wasn't a boy, because I had brains and because I wouldn't suck up to her like my sisters. My father was supportive during my childhood until he got ill and depended on her help - then he had to stay silent as he couldn't have coped with her anger.

I moved 200 miles away to enjoy my first pregnancy and the birth in peace. They all came to visit me 3 weeks after the birth, she instructed me to stop breast-feeding and I and my son ended up needlessly in hospital because she thought she knew better than the GP.

I worry that you somehow feel guilty about not staying in touch with your parents and not telling them about the pregnancy. I agree with poshpaws above - don't tell them until after the birth. They will derive no pleasure from your news. In fact they will simply use it to say how irresponsible you are and what an awful life your child will have.

Your sister who has a relationship with them is welcome to them. They are all poison so cut them out of your life and if you have to communicate with them, let it be on your terms.

You need to work out how to be in control of the communications with them. One way of dealing with them might be to interrupt as soon as the insults start and say in a regretful (not aggressive) tone "It is a shame that you feel the need to speak to me in such a nasty way. I will talk to you when you have something positive to say. Goodbye."

I hope this helps.

erdosrenyi Just tell them you are pregnant. End of. Whatever you do it will be wrong so you may as well just say it.

Oh, my dear - I do hope that this time things will go well for you . . I experienced a series of miscarriages and finally an ectopic and sadly my DDs and hence only GS are estranged from me, but thank goodness, DS is one in a million. Ignore your mean-spirited parents - I know it's natural to want to love your parents, but sometimes it just isn't possible.DH's gran was a nurse and within days (even before I'd had a chance to share my suspicion with him!) asked him if I was expecting - I would have liked time for us to share the news, but the whole family was fantastic, even though we weren't yet married. Enjoy the rest of your preganacy, look after yourself and let DH cosset you as much as possible. Blessed be!

I feel so sorry for you, you have such a lot going for you so I would think you should have nothing to do with your parents. Imagine after you have your baby she starts saying the baby is ugly. Then as your child grows do you want the child to hear all the things she says about you. I think it would be better to have no parents than them. They are so nasty.
Congratulations by the way and be happy with your gorgeous baby when it arrives. XX