Its taken a lot of courage to confess this.....

I can tell you Tricia that is exactly how it is.

Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic in the family knows that they don't give a thought to how it affects anyone else.

A phrase that sticks in my mind "an alcoholic can't love anyone else because he/she's having a love affair with the bottle".

Your son dismisses all suggestions of his looking for help - does he think he doesn't have a problem?
Does he realise how badly his drinking affects you? Does he understand the reasons you broke off contact with him, at one time?
If he can't/won't do anything to help himself, your only option is to protect yourself as much as you can.

Al Anon and Families Anon, already suggested, sound like good sources of help for you.

(((hugs)))

Totally disagree with Sarah, to say someone would ' shape up' if the mother died tomorrow shows a total lack of understanding of any obsession. A death of a loved one is most likely to send anyone into complete self destruct mode...if an alcoholic could just 'shape up ' overnight I m sure they would.... That's like saying if you have cancer imagine it's gone and it will go

Continue to support your son with your love not your money as said by other posters Al anon is an excellent way forward and may come up with ideas you haven't thought of. Your son still needs your love however much you dislike his behaviour

My ex partner had a severe problem with alcohol, which I didn't realise when I met him. He blamed everyone he knew for the way he was for over 30 years before he ran out of friends and family who would support him. He eventually reached the point where he realised he needed other people and admitted himself to rehab. He stopped drinking but he was still a manipulative s*d who played on other people's sympathy to get what he wanted. Everyone is different and I respect that but I hope I never meet anyone like him again.

This article answers the "Why can't they just stop?" question very well, I think, especially the last few paragraphs on barriers to change:

treatmentandrecoverysystems.com/library/how-alcoholics-change-a-different-paradigm/

for everyone who has experienced the problem of addiction, whether personally or in family members.

You had me worried there AB glad that's all sorted

Sorry Anya, I really thought you meant it

I'm glad someone reads and understands my posts Stansgran

Stupid ipad 'fraid

Yes@anya fraud so.

Moving words from anniebach . I have a similar story so annies post resonates with me . Have you ever contacted Families anon , it is an online forum , it may be of help .

Is irony dead?

No idea what you meant Anya only what you posted

AnnieB I trust you realise my last post was very tongue in cheek. It is very obvious which posters have first hand experience of an alcoholic in the family and those who haven't.

AgreeAnniebach and breeze you have to keep hope alive.

With you breeze

Some years ago I listened to an interview with a woman whose son was in prison for life for carrying out horrific murders , he will never be released and is in a secure unit for the mentally ill. She was honest about her loathing for his actions but when asked why did she travel a very long journey every month to visit him she replied - he is my son.

Sorry Sarah, I could not disagree more. It's not selfishness. It's an illness. You say you have experience. I wonder what. To extricate yourself from the child (birth is a given!) you love, using 'tough love' is applicable on occasion but not for alcoholism, which is illness. And not easy to do whatever the reason. If byetheway, god forbid, died tomorrow, her son wouldn't 'miraculously' be cured. He would still be ill. I think you may be confusing 'bad behaviour' with a more serious problem. And that's from 'my' experience.

As mother of an alcoholic I wish to say I disagree with Sarah's wise words! My daughter is not selfish, she is very ill . Thankfully we are slowly moving forward to accepting alcoholism is an illness not a selfish choice , no one chooses to be an alcoholic just as no one chooses a mental illness

To suggest that an alcoholic could/would "shape up" in the face of bereavement is a little unrealistic. It is much more likely that the drinking would be taken to another level.

Bytheway, I think you realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do, and that is very very difficult for any mother to accept. For your own sanity though, you must accept it. Al Anon is the best place for anyone in your situation. There you will find the support, and the stories of other's, to be truly comforting. You obviously are finding it difficult to detach yourself from your son, and the experiences of others will help you find ways that you are comfortable with. I would let your son know if you decide to take this journey, and once again suggest he contacts AA, as you feel totally unable to support him any longer. The rest is up to him. Good luck.

It is heartbreaking, we've had it in our family too. Only he can make the decision to change.
The main thing, don't blame yourself, and keep hoping. I've known several people who have kicked the habit, but it's a lifetime's struggle. Al-anon is a good idea.

No wise words - because I have none to offer - just and hugs for bytheway and other Gransnetters in this position. I have seen friends driven to despair by the people they love and it is heartbreaking.

Not for me Anya

sarah thank you for your 'wise words'. I'm sure I speak for all of us.

Wise words is exactly what's needed here. Biologically when a woman is carrying a child they reach a stage where there is literally a battle to survive between the mother and the child, that is taking all its needs from the mother, luckily in most cases both usually survive this critical stage.
Its the same when they're adults if a child is destroying your life you have to separate from them, this stops you going any further down and forces them to own their own actions - which is what is needed. Your son's and anyone like him are being totally selfish, abusing themselves, you and anyone else involved.
Think about what he would do if you died tomorrow, he'd have to shape up then.
Speaking from experience.