Its taken a lot of courage to confess this.....

Oh bytheway, I do feel so sorry for you in this situation. I can't imagine what it must be like and can only send you lots of love and hugs.

I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid but I do feel for you.
We find it hard to try and detach ourselves from our children no matter how old they are. Your son is the same age as my daughter and we've had some troubled times with her. Mostly not her fault though. To see your child slowly destroying himself must be painful.
I hope posting has helped. Someone may be able to help more.

You poor thing, it must be absolutely awlful for you. However your son is an adult and refuses help, he knows he has a problem but refuses to do anything about it. I would think that he knows he can rely on you, and that mum will help in the end. .He sounds very immature.I know if you have an alcohol addiction you will have it for the rest of your life. Whatever you do HE has got to want to get help and it sounds as if he can't take the responsibility to do that. You must remember that what he does is no fault of yours, and your health and peace of mind is the most important thing. I don't know what I would do in your situation, it's easy for me to say walk away and let him get on with it, but he is your son and it's not easy to do that when he will only get worse in time; and I hate to say it but he will get worse. I can only sent you (((hugs))). Perhaps someone else may have some advice that might help.

I am so deeply sorry for you. I have a daughter who is an alcoholic . No one chooses to hsve a serious drink problem and it is frustrating for the family when they refuse to seek help. Naturally you say you don't like your son, but I think you love him? I love my daughter but I don't like the alcoholic. Perhaps check if there is an Al Alnon group in your area. This is to give support to the family not the alcoholic , if you go you will hear of despair and hope. I know my daughter has a serious illness but refuses to accept the fact. I watched a beautiful , healthy person, loving wife , adoring mother , devoted daughter turn into a stranger, she suffers severe depression, the alcohol makes the depression worse but it blots out her emotional pain for a while. She is missing her children and husband so very much but she is lost in a dark place.

Your son may have problems he is trying to escape from and finds relief in the bottle.

You need support and so does your son , you can find it for yourself but not for him, he has to accept he needs it

May I ask did his father die? If so what age was your son?

I will listen anytime and as often as you wish . Do get support for yourself X

Its so hard. No easy answers. Sounds like he has actually reached rock bottom several times but that still hasn't made him try to stop. Actually long term alcohol abuse may have affected his faculties a bit (sorry to say). Maybe he really can't help himself. Alternatively, maybe he's always had you to prop him up when things get hard. Almost impossible for a Mum to say no though.
Maybe, for your own mental health you have to reconcile yourself to the future with him being like this? Accept it, help out if you can and get on with your life. Very very easy to say and very hard to do.

Thank you all for your kind words. You are right, I do love my son but i do not the like the person he is when he is drunk.

Anniebach, his father is not dead, he lives 400 miles away and had no interest in him as a child. He chose to move away when F was a baby and they had no contact (his fathers choice) until F was 18 when he came back into his life. So they now have intermittent contact, see each other once or twice a year, but tbh his father is a very self absorbed person and in this situation, is of no help whatsoever. For example, he (his father) has recently left his wife and 12 year old daughter (apparently over an affair his wife had) but refuses to see his daughter (yes a 12 year old) because she took her mothers side (just to demonstrate the type of person he is)

Thankyou all, however, for your kind words, its nice to know people take the time to listen and not judge.

Pm to you x

.bytheway, you have to get on with your life but don't give up all hope, don't help your son with money , on the positive side he is holding down a job , I wish I could say he will recover but I don t know if he will or not , some do recover others don t. This illness knows no class, no level of intelligence, no wealth or poverty, it can happen to anyone just as cancer can X

Oh bytheway my heart goes out to you. It's so hard having an alcoholic in the family, and when it's your own child that makes it all the harder.

Don't feel guilty. I'm sure you have done everything you can, but you cannot stop his drinking. Yes, do see if there's an Al Anon group near you. You need to talk to others in the same position .- ie with a close family member who suffers from alcohol addiction.

Do you feel able to do this? You will meet some amazing people if you can and they will help and support you.

Hugs on their way bytheway

So sorry for the way you are feeling bytheway. Anniebach has given you some solid advice, to find an Al Anon in your area. Someone close to me has experienced a similar problem. She not only found support and understanding, but more practically, advice on how to deal with the person concerned. How to deal with them, especially when inebriated. Whether to give money, the sort of problems where you are torn between wanting to help vs feeding the problem. I hope your son realises for himself this is no way to live his life but until he seeks help, I hope you can find some comfort yourself.

I feel for you, bytheway. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and life was hell for the whole family. She eventually managed to give up the drink at the age of 70, when the GP prescribed antidepressants. If only it was that simple for everyone! Getting the person to admit that they need help is the difficult part. When you love someone, even if you don't like them, it tears you apart.
I do hope your son will see the light one day and seek therapy.

I can't offer you advice by the way but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and I send hugs xx

Can understand how you feel. Wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't know what I would do in your situation. He is a grown man, but it appears he doesn't like himself much and settles for the minimum to get by. Only he can make the decision to give up his alcohol. I just hope you look after yourself as life must be so hard

Surely if he can go for weeks without alcohol he is not dependant on it? I think you should look at boosting his self esteem.

I read once 'don't rescue to the extent where you have to be rescued'
Both my parents were alcoholics and my sister had a drink problem that she passed on to her son who has a serious problem. I had no contact with him( my nephew) because of this, then some months back I thought I would reach out and offer him help. Within 2 days of that phone call he was knocking on my DDs ( his cousin) house at 1.30 in the morning ranting and raving. I stopped contact again.
With the best will in the world, you can't heal an alcoholic, only they themselves can.

Mildred there are some alcoholics who can go weeks, months without a drink and then binge for days on end.

Petra is absolutely right, you cannot do anything to help an alcoholic, only they can do that. Often they have to be literally down in the gutter before some will acknowledge a problem.

Many never do.

If he lacks confidence criticising him will not help him feel good about himself and drinking might be the way he copes with feeling bad about himself.

bytheway I can add nothing to what others have said. Do contact Al-Anon as they can offer a lot of advice and help support you with how to manage your relationship with your son and deal with your sons behaviour when he is inebriated.

They have groups where relatives of alcoholics can share support and information. You will be able to talk to other parents etc in this situation. (((hugs))) to you.

No wise words just hugs and

Mildred- if only it was so simple!

I know it's not simple but there is hope if he is working and can go without drinking for periods and he is young.

An alcholic can go months without a drink, then it only takes one to start the whole miserable cycle again. Trust me, I have many T shirts!

Its a miserable draining and relentless problem for those who have to live alongside it.