Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

EddiecatAre you saying that you talk to your son still? What will your DIL do if your son brought the children to your home? She doesn't have to come over? Or is he using her as the excuse?If my husband told me I couldn't see my parents with the children I would go anyways . Why does he need permission? What can she do to him?

They want to avoid either the nagging or the silent treatment or anything that stops things being harmonious at home I would think. The problem will always be simmering on the back burner and sooner or later some things got to give. The longer they leave the problem the more fall out. They would be better to quietly confront it, doing what they know is the right thing and if the partner wants to end the relationship, do so, but it certainly isn't a happy relationship anyway. The older you get the harder it is to start again. I could not be manipulated like that and would do what I thought was right. What other things must change in order for harmony. Not driving perhaps or just wearing pink.

Husbands do often take the path of least resistance.

My DiL's brother is like that. His wife refuses to let his mother round to her house or to go to her MiL's house with the children. They occasionally see their grandchildren when he makes the odd stand such as birthdays but my DiL is always telling him to 'grow a pair'!

We live 200 miles from son and family - if he attempted to bring the children without her approval he would have to put 2 young children in the car with her shouting & screaming (I`m not exaggerating) in the background - which would be very frightening for the children. He would then have to face the aftermath when they got home - with her likely to be even less co-operative in the future. He is trying to keep things on an even keel as he doesn`t want the children to witness lots of arguments.
He really does want to leave her but cannot afford to find other accommodation and he knows that she will make it difficult to see the children. At the moment he cannot bear the idea of not living with them. It`s a nightmare situation.
Incidentally - if this makes him sound like a bit of a wimp - he`s ex-military who spent 6 months in Afghanistan and found that less stressful than living with his wife!!

Awful situation for your son to be in Eddiecat, there really isnt an answer, no far from it he isnt a wimp he is very brave being stuck in that situation. I can fully understand him not wanting to rock the boat for the sake of the children.

Just wondered if the daughter in laws are jealous of the relationship sons have with their mothers? hence the estrangements. But saying that its really made me think, I used to have a good relationship with my older daughter, her husband however didnt have a good relationship with his mother, his mother worked so he was brought up by his grandparents. He was always up himself and thought himself a better 'class' of person. Perhaps he was the instigator coming between the relationship between me and daughter? I will be honest I never liked him neither did my late husband! it was the snide remarks sil would make thinking that no one could hear him! He would never visit with daughter she always came on her own ( that was years ago) . What bugs me more than anything is the effect this had had on my adult grandchildren who now dont bother to visit despite the messages and emails Ive sent.

Far from being wimps, I think these men deserve credit for putting their children first, and sucking things up. I once saw my daughter-in-law in action when she didn't get her own way over something trivial. I was shocked. Also, as she is from another country, I imagine it's a big fear that she might not return with the little one, after one of her many visits to her family.

Mumsy in my case is my daughter and that is a very bitter pill to swallow they reckon daughter is for life do t they?

However my son has turned out to be my rock, no he isn't In Touch daily like ed was or on phone every 5 minutes but he has been there last 7 years at all important times Most of all shortly after we got our 2nd class stamp letter cutting us off we buried my f I law ashes and my wonderful son took day off work, said a prayer at graveside and I will never forget that she didn't attend.

Sometimes I wonder how genuine all that contract was or was it just to extract mo ey from us? I don't like to be cynical but it looks that way.

Changing subject we have been well let Down by lad who we paid to set up computer didn't turn up last fri we had contact him and constant messages phone calls he now says too busy come back will dump hard drive on doorstep, mmmm
What a shame we paid him before he finished job I should know better but thought could trust him.

My son is going transfer stuff when he visits next week,

Eddiecat it is very ahead for your so such a shame for children too. Difficult situaiton

That's fine Fairydoll but I'm sure we are allowed to say Gypsies on here

Luckylegs No diets, they don't work, just make you think of food all the time. Just healthy eating, low fat; 4% per 100grms, to lose weight, then little higher to maintain, low sugar and have a little chocolate and more fattening things as a treat at the weekends. Good luck

Totally agree with your post Luckylegs I wouldn't have agreed to stop seeing my M&D or sister&Bro and would never have stopped any family member seeing the C.

Eddiecat I feel for your Son, I can understand his predicament, his wife should never do that to him, where's the love in that marriage.

Almost 4yrs for me now I just can't believe it's gone on so long, my post before is definitely true in my case, my nasty s.i.l was trying to get rid of my D, keep her out of their family home and 'allowed' her to visit her C, even though the eldest is not even his child!! how could he get away with that! It went on for only a week, till I pointed out that it's the mother that stays in the family home with the C, it's the man that leaves, I said this in a nice way to make him see it wouldn't stay as he had it, his hate jumped from my D to me, he took her back and cut me out, he wanted vengeance on me and being a narcissist this vendetta is life long!

Yogagirl

I was just concerned that we'd have the polically correct gang accusing us of racism/discrimination!

Mumsy. I'm sure you are correct in thinking that jealousy plays a part between a DIL and her partner's mother.
On the day I was admitted to intensive care last year, DS invited DH back to his house - and yes, if we're nitpicking it is his house, for a bite to eat. His partner obviously didn't approve and sat in another room. She didn't even offer to make DH a cup of tea. Firmly convinced that she was jealous of the 'attention' DS was giving me!
Would probably have been the same if he's been to my funeral..

Rosyglow I expect this resonates with you?

Afternoon ladies. I've been catching up with all of your posts since I was last on line. I've been having a wonderful time with my dearest friend who arrived on Saturday. We came to our holiday home on Sunday and go back Thursday for a couple of days.

Mr. S. is coming over tomorrow and we'll all go to look at the new house. Still no further on. Got another request from our Solicitor for yet another certificate. We've been asked for one a week for the last 3 weeks. I mean for goodness sake, 3 months on and they're still asking, why don't they get their act together and ask for everything in the first place.

eddiecat and Rosy I simply can't imagine how hard it must be for you both, maintaining your relationships with your sons and being unable to have contact with your GC. I honestly don't know how I'd cope in that situation.

I understand your cynicism Celeb but I'm sure that's not really the case with your son. As you've said, he's been your rock; some of these AC just seem to find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that they are adults, are responsible for their own financial arrangements and need to stand on their own two feet.

If I were you, I'd tell that good for nothing that if he doesn't finish the job you've paid him to do, you'll take him to a small claims court. Even if you don't really mean it, he wont know that will he.

Like you Yogagirl and Luckylegs, I'd never have allowed anyone to come between me and my family. Perhaps if these AC had seen the warning signs at the very beginning, and stopped them in their tracks, things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand; still that's the thing about hindsight, it's usually too little too late.

Well, time to take my little dogs out for their tea time stroll. Have a good evening everyone.

Eddiecat? Can you go to their house for a visit but stay in a hotel? Maybe this is a lesson for the newly engaged. It would be nice if all this family stuff got agreed upon BEFORE people married. Expectations is what I mean as that is what is disappointing all of us... their side and ours. Some people have unrealistic expectations.
I'm really having a bad day today. Much stress from DD divorcing saga, moms issues, and the visit next week from stepdaughter. But so will get through somehow.

Think positive Rhinestone, it will soon be over. (hugs)

Sorry Smilless I was t very clear I don't think for a minute My son is just after money if not he would be like myndaighter was and just take it, he is insisting on loan rather than gift (with interest too)

Interest rates are low but banks still like to charge too much for loans not to mention credit cards

I want actually meaning my estranged daughter xxx as I feel she got all she could from us before she cut us off, so yes I a. Cynical she would never have done it while we were keeping her at uni for 4 years or giving her money for deposits wedding new pray etc etc hard not to think that,

Our son won a a cadet ship in army and went to Sandhurst so he was on a salary at university but we had to pay for everything for our daughter I wonder if she ever thinks from that?

So tired, off bed, dentist was nice but not looking in forward to root canal and crown next week he reckons will do in one hour appt. eof art equipment that measures and makes crowns Mmm let's hope i survive have alread had to pay ?

My apologies CelebI seem to have got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Just got back from showing my dear pal our new house; she loved it.

Oooh I think you're very brave, don't think I could have a root canal unless I was knocked out first.

Having such a great time here that we've decided to stay an extra day. Mr. S. came with us and is going back after tea; another BBQ of course.

You're right Rhinestone, perhaps families should get together in the early days and talk about what they'd like and what's going to be possible and what isn't. That said, I think even if we'd done that it wouldn't have made any difference in the end. I'm sure she'd have been all sweetness and light, just like she was before everything was turned on its head.

Sorry you had a bad day yesterday, hope you feel a little better today. You've an awful lot to deal with, I don't know how you manage.

Celebgran What you said about paying for your ED education rings true. When my ESS said we treat the children differently he was correct. Each has their own needs and we have tried to be sensitive to that. There are four of them. But when he and his wife complained that we got a cleaning person for my DD, ( one time when she was pregnant) I wondered the same as you. Where was the appreciation for all we had given him in the past? We were the only parent to give $5000 toward his wedding, bought him a used car, and spent a fortune each time they had a child on what they needed. Yet I feel he is looking for reasons to be estranged from us.
Again it's all about his expectations and what we didn't do versus what we did. Ungrateful is what I would call it.
We had our wedding anniversary a few days ago and my DD called and my stepdaughter sent a card. It actually did not even hurt me that we didn't get a card from the boys this year. How sad that I have gotten used to that.

S'cuse me popping in but was somewhere else and saw this and thought of this thread...I'm sure it's a thought that's crossed your minds xx

oh yes NannaandGrampy, too little too late!

Yes and more than once NandG

for your wedding anniversary Rhinestone and BIG (((hugs))) for you. I think you're great and their mad for not realising that.

Nanna&grampy That mm chocked me a bit. Thanks for sharing

Happy anniversary Rhinestone

Yes happy anniversary rhinestone ?????

Well we felt very honoured with visit from my dear nephew wife and little ones baby is only 3 weeks so cute but he only really likes being held all the time at moment?He cries bless his little heart if out in pram but he settled after a feed.
It was such lovley after op rounded off by fantastic meal out and spot dancing with singer truly wonderful day ??

Happy weekend all X

Morning Girls

I'm sharing part of my PM to a poster that doesn't want to post on this open forum,for obvious reasons. Hope she doesn't mind as it's only about me...;

Morning *
Well I was very busy over the weekend, teaching classes and then Saturday night a surprise birthday party for a friend, which was a great night. Then after my two Sunday classes I meet up with a friend I hadn't seen in 12yrs! She had been trying to track me down, then finally, through my ND, did. She and another friend came to my wedding, way back, the other friend had since passed away, which shocked my friend to hear. Strangely, my friends D, that was best friends with my now estD, estranged herself too and for the same length of time, almost 4yrs. Her other D that was with her on the visit to me, with her Son, so my friends GS, had also followed her sister and estranged herself from her mother [my friend] for two years! But my friend pursued her, until they were reunited and have been for a year now. But my friend said the bond with her GC is not there, as she missed the first 2yrs of his life. The sisters [my friends Ds] are now estranged too! Seems the estrangement lark is epidemic!

Also my friends Son's father sounds the same as my nasty s.i.l, smoking pot all day, she says the pot makes him lie about everything and then the next day he can't remember what he lied about, he can't keep a job, all the same with my nasty s.i.l. Needless to say, she's not with him any more.

Hope you all had a nice weekend xx

Thank you Yogagirl*Celebgran*and Smilelessfor your anniversary wishes. We still like each other and are speaking after all these years.
Yogagirlyou hit the nail on the head when you said that the estrangement lark is epidemic. It's so much easier to distance yourself than have a conversation. I find that so ridiculous but that's what the younger generation does. My SIL smokes and drinks heavily. I know it's mostly beer but eleven at one sitting? He too lies and my daughter recently discovered he's on all these internet social sites following strange half naked women. She has called me crying all weekend over this. They are still working out their divorce.
Well Wednesday my step daughter and her partner will be here after spending four days with my ESS and his mom and family. She doesn't want to be involved so we won't be able to ask questions knowing she just spent all this time with the darling little boys.
My DH was going to write his son not an email but one by snail mail. He hadn't done it yet and I'm keeping quiet ( hard to do) about when and if he will do it.
FairydollI think you are on to something about the jealousy thing.
Good Monday to all.

Afternoon ladies. I had a wonderful week with my great friend which came to an end on Saturday. We went to a Simply Red concert on Friday and it was amazing. I couldn't get over his voice, it was like listening to their records.

They formed 31 years ago and my dear friend and I met 30 years ago. Their music was always being played by one of us so sitting next to her, our arms around one another, singing our hearts out was really something special. Mr. S. enjoyed it too, even though he's not really a fan. He said it was lovely seeing us together, so close after so many years.

You are funny Rhinestone; "we still like each other and are speaking after all these years". Just like me and Mr. S.. It's nice isn't it.

How lovely for you Celeb. They're a lovely young couple, your nephew and his wife, ensuring that you're such a big part of their family. It can never make up for your ED but it must help.

It looks like we wont be leaving now until September. I know it's going to happen, I just wish everyone would get on with it.