Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

very true gononsuch there is two sides to every story one fact, one fiction! the fiction goes on like chinese whispers over the years and gets distorted all out of proportion. Ive questioned comments / remarks that my older daughter has said to me and shes blankly denied saying them, some were so hurtful and soul destroying and still are!

Perhaps we are 'thrown away' as we are of no use to our kids now we are older, I closed down my 'bank of mum ' years ago, it comes across that kids use us and we let them or we are banned from seeing our grandkids!

In the past when Ive asked for small jobs to be done by my daughter and son in law I was told that I could afford to pay someone to do the work! I never asked them again!

MumsyThat is soooo true about parents being of no use. As soon as my in laws died and we stopped our weekly babysitting as we went to Florida for a month that's when my ESS threw us away. We were no longer working for them. We had cancelled our vacation for a week as my mother had just gotten out of a three week stay in the hospital for her mental illness. We got to Florida a week later and decide to add on the week we lost at the end. We missed their second grandchilds birthday. It was his first birthday and there was NO party so we felt we could stay and make up that extra week. My ESS mom and EDIL's mom went over to their house on the baby's birthday. Instead of realizing that we just took care of three parents, two of my ESS's grandparents died within seven months, and my mom being in the hospital, they only thought of their needs to have us be home to babysit.

I was interested to read the comments about the expression "there`s 2 sides to every story" as this really annoys/upset me - it implies that we must have done something to provoke the estrangement and I know this is not true in our case - or in many others. If anyone cannot believe this, they have obviously never had to deal with someone who is totally irrational and unreasonable.
My story is that we thought we had a very good relationship with our d-in-law but she became increasingly jealous of any of our son`s relationship that she couldn`t control and started to make up things to justify her demands that they stop seeing us.
I will never forget the day when out of the blue he phoned me in tears saying "I don`t want to not be able to see you Mum". I promised him that day that I would sort things out - 6 years later I have got nowhere - she has made up her mind, and that is that

If someone cannot believe this, then they obviously have never had to deal with someone who is totally irrational and unreasonable

Wow! Doesn't that sum up what most of here are dealing with?

Well said eddicat

Correction: most of us here ...

Being estranged from family is a very vulnerable place to be and not a position any of us want to be in. It may alleviate some of the instant emotional pain and relief when we distance ourselves from the family dynamic, but its still there eating away at us.
Estrangement is everyday work and we constantly think about it, which is mentally exhausting and affects our well being.
We have to be careful we don't fall into isolation and keep active as part of the wider community. ( which is not easy when everyone else around you is talking about their families!)
I used to avoid talking about my family but now if people ask I tell them I am estranged and that it was their choice, of course most don't understand as they've never experienced it. Then there are those who do understand.

In my circumstances although I live in hope, deep down I know there will never be a reconciliation, I tell myself and other people I have resigned myself to this but in reality, well thats another story!

eddiecat78

You can't fall out with yourself. People are only unreasonable if they don't agree with you.
So, maybe their are two(2) sides to every story.

Sorry but I don`t agree Gononsuch. Surely society as a whole sees different types of behaviour as being reasonable/acceptable or unreasonable/unacceptable? After all a murderer might argue that in his opinion his behaviour is reasonable - and the fact that the rest of society doesn`t agree with him doesn`t make his behaviour reasonable!

In my case - even my d-in-law`s own parents have said that she is acting unreasonably

All of a sudden you up the anti with a argument about murderers, I can see why you are in this unfortunate position, because you will not give a inch of understanding.
You can't fall out with yourself. People are only unreasonable if they don't agree with you. Ive said it again and I can see its certainly your problem.

disagree Gononsuch, I disagree with a lot of things that doesnt make me unreasonable! I still listen to someone elses point of view even if it differs from mine.
Its a silly idiom 'two sides to every story' as stories can and are fabricated as Ive seen with my own kids, Im not asking my kids to agree with me they need to accept responsibilty for there unreasonable actions!

So what your basically saying Gononsuch is that your being unreasonable because you dont agree with us?! It comes across that it is you that lacks the understanding of our situation of estrangement.

I`m not going to get into an argument about this as I don`t want to spoil this post as it has been in the past.
All I will say, is that over 6 years I have tried and tried and tried to understand my daughter-in-law. I have asked to discuss things face to face - she refuses. I have apologised many times for doing anything that might have upset her (even though I haven`t done anything) - she won`t listen. I have NEVER said anything critical to her. My son has asked her to allow him to bring the children to see us - she says No but cannot give a reason for her decision.
It is like talking to a brick wall. How is this reasonable behaviour?

eddie, mumsy and everyone else, PLEASE don't respond to this poster. She/He has made several goading posts, which up until now have been ignored. Let's keep it that way. The things they have written are small minded and judgemental, and make absolutely no sense anyway.

Agree rosy glow it is it is probably a trouble maker under different name??

Absolutely no treason for the confrontational statement.

Quote my counsellor when I told her of the 2nd class stamp letter my ed wrote to tell me it was all down to me being violent , ageessive etc and she had new family now,

So counsellor said basically your ed said it was all your fault I guess she did,
And as she replied that is never the case it always takes two to end a relationship or cause problems I agree.

What an amazing few hours we had at beach today just home and later dh is doing us BBQ. And few??

last night had great evening with friends and lovely meal out.

Booked another weekend away 1st week in December,

Got 3 pairs sandals I. Sale on Friday during lunch retail trip with best friend,
Life looking good ???

Eddiecat don't respond or get upset as post by goon such makes no sense fairy doll right is just to goad you.

Celebgran & Rosyglow - message received and understood. Difficult to understand what people get out of doing that. There`s nowt so queer as folk is there?!

Do these posters keep signing up under different names. They all follow the same pattern and I just do not respond. Life is difficult enough without confrontational posters trying to make us all feel more wretched. Who knows those that are sitting pretty at the moment as we once were, something could happen to shake their smug views.
Eddie, it's a daft saying, it takes two to fall out, some people can start an argument in an empty room, sometimes you might just as well talk to the wall. It certainly takes two to make amends, but you cannot force someone to do something they are set against.

You certainly can't luckylegs I too wondered about the same person different name who cares obviously bit strange?

Mmm very full after BBQ so relax time I thInk?

Been great day hope everyOne on here had good one x

Eddiecat

My estrangement was purely down to jealousy from my s.i.l & his mother, nothing that I did or said. I was very good to them as a family, very generous, paying for their wedding, giving them £5000 when they moved out of my house into their own. Babysat when asked, when they lived with me that was on tap so to speak. I had no idea he & his mother had a problem with me, I do remember that at Xmas, Easter and any other family parties or gatherings of mine, I always asked his mum & dad, but they never came. I always sent b/day & Xmas cards to them, but I never got one back.

Had a lovely afternoon and evening at my friends Birthday party yesterday, we were all in the garden, as the weather was so nice, and an impromptu band struck up, lovely acoustic guitar, drums etc. and singing, always a good time at my friends, she was the one that went trekking round Oz on her own last year, she now wants to do the whole of Europe!

I think the partners of our EAC stay in their marriage, just to keep the estrangement intact, It's their evil game and they want to win, year in year out! This is certainly true in my case, as their union was always volatile , even before they wed. If it wasn't for this estrangement game, I'm absolutely sure my D would not still be with him. IMO 95% of the estrangements is down to our AC's partner, I know my EstD wouldn't have done this to me if she wasn't with him, and of course the partner pushes our AC forward to do the dirty work/words, but really it's all coming from them, through brainwashing & threats of keeping the C & family home, if our C want contact with us! This is a fact in my case [& already happened during their 'big fight, where this all began'], and as the years roll on our AC get used to living their lives without their Mothers, sisters, brothers and the rest of their birth families, how they can, I really don't know. I think, in reality, Deep down, their souls are crying.

Have to disagree with you Yogagirl, its too easy to put the blame onto our kids partners, as we dont want to think our own kids could be so cruel, ( they can I assure you) none of us can say wether or not our kids would or would not still be with their partners and say their kids have been brainwashed by their partner.

We are estranged from our children we dont know what goes on behind closed doors, its too easy to assume regardless if our kids are in a volatile relationship or not.

I'm sure you're right in certain cases mumsy, but in my own case and others here, the fact that our AC are in touch regularly, but not their partners shows where the problem lies.

I worry constantly, especially after I've just spoken to my son, that his marriage is obviously being threatened, mainly because of his wife's treatment of me, but also other things that seem to be happening. That is why I make no demands regarding my granddaughter. He is under enough pressure without me adding to it.

I would never have believed the extent of the problem, particularly with daughters-in-law, until I found myself in this position. I'm quite sure that in some cases there are many mothers/mothers-in-law who are equally guilty, but I - and my son - know how things really are for us. Especially as the estrangement his wife imposes now encompasses other family members.

Gosh Rosyglow - I could have written your post myself - especially concerning your worries about the pressures your son is under. There have been times when we really felt that our son is heading for a breakdown

Mumsy. Like Rosyglow I agree that we can't always blame our AC's partner for estrangement. In my case, though, I most certainly do. Like Rosy my son is in touch with me and I know his thoughts re his partner cutting herself off from DH and me.

Yogagirl will speak for herself but you may be aware from her previous posts that her daughter married into a 'community* that, although indigenous to the UK, tends to live by its own rules. It's like marrying into a cult or sect. I have spoken at length to a woman who, although part of that community, was desperate to escape the ill treatment she had endured from her husband for many years. I hope you get my drift.

Yogagirl. Hope this is fine with you?

I don't know how we all cope really. Just weighed myself after a week on this diet and I have put on 4 lbs, I need a boot camp, but my back wouldn't take it. This is when I really need chocolate. Gone off track a little, it is the lack of food.