To ask or not to ask?

In an ask/dont ask situation on gransnet, about 3/4 will say dont ask, and 1/4 will say ask.

I am usually in the ask category. I would ask.

I'd advise not asking. Your son obviously made the 'culture difference' excuse up and will probably become defensive and/or aggressive if challenged.

I think you have to accept the situation and get on with it as best you can.

And I am in the category of 'do not ask'. It will sort itself out in good time, if you see your family often then it is something that will in due course either come to a head or blow over. don't go looking for trouble.

And I agree with Ana and PRINTMISS which just proves Obieone's point!

Better to bide your time and hope things blow over I think. No point in risking making things worse - and he is likely to become defensive, and how would that help?

Are you on your own? I only ask because it is possible that if you are, then minor glitches with offspring can take on a greater importance. Just a thought.

Perhaps it's a pride thing. You have clearly been more than generous and kind. Now he has a job, maybe your son wants to prove he can provide for his family.

I wouldn't ask, given time he will probably explain. They must think a lot of you to want to remain so close. Lovely to have a grandchild so near and get on with DIL.

There must be something more to this that has made your DS turn so unkind towards you. Have you shown any concern or disapproval or anything, however minor, that could be construed as regret that he has married a girl from a different culture? Could it be that?

Why would he change from your loving son unless something had triggered the change? Does he perhaps wish to be more independent and establish himself with his own family unit? It rather sounds as if he wants a less-close relationship and if I were you I would let him have that.

Just keep calm and affectionate and don't ask too many questions or make too many requests.I certainly would not probe the question in your OP.

I know - it's walking on egg-shells time but you want to keep them in your life and it has to be on their terms really. Adult children can be VERY tricky to deal with. I know from my own DD! Least said, soonest mended.

I would say that as long as you have a relationship with your grandchildren, then definitely keep quiet in order to protect it. Asking will more than likely spiral into confrontation. May even cause trouble between your son and his wife, as they have each said different things. Sadly, many grandparents end up being deprived of a relationship with their grandchildren, when one or other of the parents appears to have a problem, which they seem unable or unwilling to verbalise.

Thanks for your thoughts - I'll keep Mum (excuse the pun!). I never expected parenting to get harder with time. If my dear Mum was still alive she'd have helped me through this, but since she died I feel even more alone as a single parent than I ever did when my son was young. Thanke for listening and responding everyone.

the cultural thing may be more complex than you think though- maybe some kinds of help are fine, others not, or more likely there is a general rule about not offering help, but a more important rule says 'don't upset other people- especially older people/parents' and your DIL was trying not to upset you. Can you research the culture or maybe talk to an unrelated person from that culture?

Maybe your son just wants his home and family to himself and needs a little space, he wet to Uni a and then lived abroad for 5 years and although you visited each other he had plenty of time on his own and new visits were limited.

Now he returns to the UK, first of all he lives with you and a new baby arrives so big changes in his life. Then he buys his own home and his MIL comes to stay for a long period and you can visit anytime. So he has gone from a carefree life abroad with new adventures, romance, interesting friends, new cultures and then back to the uk, family responsibilities, relatives near by and MIL visiting for a long period plus the same old culture and not a lot new and exciting. Grey skies don't help.

Now another baby on the way. You say it is a mess, maybe he feels it is a bit of a mess. I think you represent here and the old life and he is not 100% happy living back here in the old life with family ties.

Maybe ask him if he misses living abroad etc in a conversational way. Even is this is not the reason, he is not happy.

Give him some space, try to visit your grandchild when he is not there.

No advise really just to say I understand totally, and find grown up children far far far more difficult that being a single parent to three young kids I seem to always say the wrong thing to one or other If I help I m interfering if I stay back and keep quiet I m asked if I m depressed or not well

I d say just hold tight and let them get on with it build on your relationship with grandchild and wait to be asked for any help he may have felt resentful of all the help he has had to have from you in the past and wants to prove he can manage his family by himself hence the ' made up ' story I would imagine your help may well be needed with the new baby but I d say wait to be asked ( hard as it is)

Good luck x

Don't ask but let them know the offer is there. He's probably embarrassed that he hasn't been able to provide for "his family" and now wants to show you he can stand on his own two feet and provide for them. Men are utterly useless at admitting anything that may result in loss of face and as you've a good relationship with your DIL and see your GC then why rock the boat and jeopardise any of that?

I think I would drop it into conversation that you had discussed it with DIL and see what his reaction is but I would of thought his wife might of already told him either way I would step back and immerse yourself in your own life let him see you have hobbies and a social life and maybe the next time he asks for help tell him you will check your diary and get back to him.

I think I would have asked straight away - as soon as dil said it wasn't true.

Probably best you say nothing though. Relationship with Granddaughter sounds the one thing worth hanging on to. Protect that.

Poor man - he sounds as if he is surrounded by well-meaning females!
He is still very young and they don't sound as if they have had a chance to form their own family unit; first of all they stayed in your cottage, which was very kind of you indeed, but you say they came over every day for dinner (was that their choice?).

A new baby arrives which takes some adjustment and now MIL is staying for 3 months and no doubt being very helpful too.
I would make sure to let your DIL know that you are there if she needs you and say you love to see them and ask which is the best day to pop in.

He has gone suddenly from carefree world traveller to family man complete with temporarily resident MIL! And he is still very young and probably coping with a new job too.

I was once told to never ask a question that I might not like the answer to. That advice has served me well.

I would ask him and tell him how you feel. You helped him when he needed it and you deserve better treatment. MIL is probably driving him mad but there is no need for him to treat you this way. I think honesty is the best policy.

I'd say 'don't ask'. It would only put him on the defensive and potentially cause a rift which is clearly not the case yet. Enjoy your GCs and keep up your friendship with your DiL - she will need you when her own mother returns home.

BlueBelleville I do agree with you.I also was a single parent to 3 girls. I love them all dearly but because I live 2 minutes walk from my youngest daughter I'm accused of helping her out more than the others. They all have one child each. It's extremely difficult splitting yourself into 3. I try to give them equal time but never quite achieve this. But I don't think I neglect any of them.
I think that whatever you do you'll never be right. But if it was me I would certainly ask and maybe you can come to a compromise. If you don't ask you'll never know and to my mind that's worse.

I think you'll have to accept that the boundaries have changed and your son is trying to assert his independence. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt or alienate you (why would he) so came up with an excuse that he thought would limit the damage. You probably think he's acted out of character and you suddenly wonder how well you really know him. But actually he may well be regretting it, so I wouldn't delve too deeply or dwell on it. It isn't always best to "keep the peace", but in this case I think it is. The last thing you want is any estrangement especially from your grandchild. Eventually your son will appreciate that you've accepted he's moved on from being dependent (holiday cottage, meals) into a responsible husband and father (job, own house, new baby).
Transitions like this are always difficult but an inevitable part of family. It's easy for a stranger like me to say "Don't take it personally" but my guess is he will be wanting to make you proud of him, even if that means you're not as close as you were.

Still very young? . Isn't he 30?

He was perfectly willing to accept your generosity when it suited him. So, yes, you're perfectly entitled to ask what's changed, in my opinion. At the very least you're entitled to an explanation.

Wellingtonpie how nice to hear I m not the only one without an applepir and roses life style I have one lives nearby who does most for me, nothing has ever been said to her outright but I know there is jealously involved and I often feel on the wrong foot with both or either haha third one lives other side of the world so out of that equation but I find it very hard

I think it's a big shock to young men (more than young women) when it dawns on them that suddenly they have two or three other people to worry about and provide for, rather than just themselves.

I would concentrate on preserving your relationship with your grandchild, and building one with your DiL - it must be hard for her too, living in a different country and culture.

You say DiL's mother doesn't speak English, but you could still invite her, DiL and DGC round to your house for coffee or lunch, maybe?

I'm sure your son will get through this eventually, just be patient