To ask or not to ask?

Cultural differences can be very hard to understand and accept on both sides. My daughter in law is very beautiful and kind and so anxious to be a good dil it almost hurts. She comes from an academic family with servants and is now bravely tackling life running her first home with no help, two very lively children and a lazy husband. She grew up with a nanny and is doing her best to cope alone. Almost her first words to me when we first met were, 'When does your maid arrive, I have a few things for her to do.' OK, I suppose not many of us have domestic help, certainly not me,but it must be very hard to be without your mother or sister or aunts who understand your background.

She is doing her best to fit in, has stopped wearing the hijab - which she tells me, is cultural, not religious. She is devout but does not make a big fuss about Ramadan and going to the Mosque. She just gets on with it. When she visits I respect her dietary taboos. It's easy enough. She and my daughter have become good friends and that helps all of us get along.

Our only problems are with our grandchildren who are very bright but totally wild!

Why not invite DiL and her mother for one afternoon (maybe when your sone is at work ?) ...you could probably find an interpreter through the internet or recommendation via social services or the town hall ? Then you could have a real conversation with them both .....it does seem, as other have said, your son is not willing, or not able as he has no valid reason, to discuss this.

In my case, my daughter has not spoken to me for ten years. I do keep an eye on where she is and with whom, but no contact whatever. I do not know why ....her old friends from school have mostly been dropped as well, although she used to keep in regular contact with e mails, phone calls, visits, etc ....the mothers of her friends (some of whom have known her and I since she was born) cannot understand the reason she apparently told one of the friends that I was a bad mother ????? .....but would not discuss it with me, and offered no explanation.

I have now decided there is nothing I can do....as long as I can find out if she is still living and happy, now and then !

Some of my friends with sons have had the same problems as you describe ...one has a dil from a different culture, with whom she does not see eye to eye, so her son and the grandchildren visit her, but not the dil. When she is invited to her son's house, the dil ensures she is not around except when absoluteley necessary !

and she is not the only one ....best thing is to ignore it if possible, just make sure you keep in touch with the grandchildren and enjoy them !

Sad situation, I'd advise not to ask. Always carry on being there for them and say you will be supportive if needed, but do not get too involved unless asked. I continually encouraged my son and DIL, a few years ago to pop in if they were passing or if they'd like to come for a meal. Although they lived only 10 minutes away they never came. My son called in one day and made it very clear his wife did not want to come and despite offering kindness, help and empathy over the years to them both and never calling in on them unless asked, which was never, after a brief encounter with her at my shop almost 4 years ago, she told me my son had cancer and then went on to berate my daughter and myself. I was so overcome with horror at the news and her general attitude to me, I asked her to leave. I called my son later to ask him how he was feeling and he basically told me that because I had asked his wife to leave, he did not wish to speak to me or his sister again. Despite attempts to find out how he fared with his treatment, he moved away and I never saw or heard from him again. It has broken our hearts, we were left bewildered and couldn't understand how it happened. We miss him so much and wonder how she could have engineered this experience, and why he could have let her, as she has also cut him off from all his friends and family. Tread carefully, as I struggle to get through each day wondering how he is and if he recovered or not. I survive on memories of him and wondering why as we used to get on really well and I liked his wife very much.

That's so sad Elysium, sorry things took such an unexpected and devastating turn. It's awful how a brief encounter like that can get blown out of proportion and cause such unhappiness.
Tread carefully sounds good advice in the OP's circumstances.

In a fairly similar situation with D last year, I asked,and wished I hadn't within hours,as it blew up into something much bigger then you have to get over that and mend the rift. I would suggest you say nothing. I can't believe he doesn't want you around otherwise he wouldn't have bought a house so close. Maybe offer to babysit at your house, that way you get quality time with GC and there not around to rub up the wrong way.Hope it sorts itself out.

I have had a few periods of time when I haven't liked DS, and it is a horrible feeling. There have also been times when I have questioned him about things, and I've always regretted it after, and felt things would have righted themselves better without. They have eventually in the times I left things alone.

I think this situation will right itself. He'll need your help again some day! Having a good relationship with your grandchild is great, so just keep on keeping on for the sake of that.

BlueBelle You are so right ...grown up children are so complicated ...eggshells come to mind on occasion .....trying to get the balance right ks a minefield

^Still very young? . Isn't he 30?
gettingonabit 30 is quite young for settling down these days; having a wife and 1, nearly 2, children at 30 is quite unusual amongst most of the young people we know.

I'm obviously behind the times, jalima......

Good grief Elysium how truly awful. My heart goes out to you.
I am experiencing something a bit similar. I am sure my DIL is really lovely and so am I but its the old MIL/DIL situation.
I think sometimes that it doesn't matter what you do, how lovely you are, how generous you are, there is just something about the DIL/MIL dynamic that produces tension.
Personally OP, if you are going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't, then all you can do is do what you want and get on with your own life. Develop other interests and fill your life with other activities and friends. After all life is short.
I know you love your GD but you need to preserve your emotional health.

Don't offer help, but offer if asked. Don't visit unless asked and don't discuss any subject unless specifically asked. It is so hard being a MIL.
When no 2 baby arrives their life is going to be even harder and so they may come crawling back begging you for help. Hugs xx

Perhaps it's just mine and my friends' DC who are a bit slow off the mark gettingonabit

Hello CK4260. In your situation I would give my son the benefit of the doubt even though your daughter in law has seemingly contradicted what he said. He may have misunderstood his wife, or much more likely in my view, his wife is saying what she thinks you want to hear. Cultural differences can be very nuanced and difficult to tease out.

Hang on in there and eventually things will settle down and you'll still be around to take part in the lives of your grandchildren.

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation. I was also a single mum for many years and well into my children being adult. It can be a wonderful relationship but also a delicate one once they are grown up particularly with sons. I also found my relationship with my son had changed when he returned from living abroad with DIL. I realised that I needed to stand back a bit, not ask so many questions (only asked out of kindness and interest). I was proud of our loving and close relationship but a friend commented one day that it came across as slightly needy and too intimate and that some things he was sharing with me he should be doing with DIL. It's worked out well to be more on the sidelines and we all get on very well now. 2 granchildren later means I can show that loving closeness with them and everyone is happy! Good luck. I'm sure things will work out in time.

I really appreciate everyone's time in replying, and sharing your thoughts and experiences. It really helps to know that I'm not being useless in coping with all this, and that the issues or similar are sadly experienced by others too. I tend to blame myself for everything that goes wrong - or blame it on my disastrous choice of a husband and father all those decades ago! I was contented in my life before DS and ensuing family came to live nearby - now I'm struggling and perhaps in the back of my mind I am a bit resentful that my contented simple life has suddenly become so complicated - that sounds horribly selfish, but it is probably true. I was so excited when I learned my first GC was on her way and that DS & DiL were coming to live in the UK. I probably had unrealistic ideas, and stupidly romantic ideas of what life was going to be like...the reality has been an unpleasant shock. I need to pull myself together and get on with life.

Very many thanks to you all for your support. So grateful. xx

Is it possible that your son just felt a bit crowded, after living with you, then next door and now having his MiL staying for a few months?
As a PP said, he may have said the cultural differences thing as an excuse, just because he didn't know what to say.
I wouldn't ask and would hope that things improve after the MiL has left, but would still keep a distance unless they say otherwise.