How do I make friends?

One of the ideas was 'get a dog'. Probable that in the USA, as here in UK you would be welcomed as a temporary carer for an animal wanting to be re-homed. You'd be able to find out if a dog was a possibility without the committment? Several of my pensioner friends have had their lives extended by the need to exercise their animal every day and by the company not only of the dog but the people who are also walking their dog. Remember owning a dog is not the answer for everyone.

This is not only to do with getting older my daughter could have written that original post she is a bit older than a lot she works with but they all seem to get their fun out of pubs and drinking and talking about others they don't invite her out either She is a fairly private person not one to join in all the work gossip and she's not a great drinker so they often talk about meet ups when she's s in earshot which makes her feel very unwanted she's a good person and often helps them in sticky situations but I guess not seen as fun because she doesn't get drunk or flash her knickers She can't change her job as there is no alternative in her profession and she is tied to a pension that she will really need as she gets older I really feel for her

If you are in the UK look at the 'growingolddisgracefully.org.uk' website to see if there is a group near you.
I'm in the Manchester Group and have made some wonderful friends.

Flowergran maybe you need to turn things on their head and ask - how can I help others?

As others have said organisations are always looking for help, animal shelters, homeless charities, mental health & learning disability communities. The list is endless. You will meet like like minded people and hopefully develop friendships.

I have never really had friends.

I lost all my school friends when I got pregnant and had my son at just 18. I threw away any potential of a career and worked full time in a large office where the girls all met up for nights out. I had to run from work to pick my baby up from nursery and go home to my little rented flat alone. My parents NEVER offered to babysit for me. Later (after the death of husband number 2) I began work in engineering where I was the only woman. Now I help DH run our small engineering company (all men again). I looked after my grandma and mum until they died and still look after my 3 DGC. Hardly any time for socialising at all but don't really have any friends to socialise with anyway. I'm a miserable cow anyway.

Don't be more American FlowerGran ....be more British.

I've travelled extensively In the US and still do and found I've been made very welcome because I'm not American .

I totally agree you should take up something not to make friends but because you like it.

Hi I moved to Suffolk 9 years ago and joined The Red Hat Society. they are world wide. We have days out weekends/days away. last week 32 of us had a buffet lunch at the pub followed by fun and games. Tomorrow we are off-road segwaying in thetford forest. we do theatre, gardens, supper club, book group and so much more just google Red Hat Society.

Lots of good ideas on here Flowergran. I was wondering if all your family is in the UK?

Dionysus43 welcome to GN, & good to read your first posting. Hope you now have many more friends than you did.

I think it is great if you can get out and enjoy all these things so do it while you are able.
If you are not physically able then it is certainly much more difficult. The computer and phone are a real bonus at counteracting loneliness but in reality there is nothing quite like a physical presence.
You could try sending notes round the neighbours to ask them round for a cup of tea or coffee.If you are a bit shy it can sometimes help to have a reason to ask like an activity evening in aid of your favourite charity. If you don't have any contacts then some charities have people who will come to you and speak. If not a charity then some kind of hobbyist might come and talk/demonstrate. Worth a shot anyway!

Where are you in the US, which state? I agree with several posters that workplace colleagues are not always 'friends' material.

Is it a big firm/company you work for?

Until I know your state, it's hard to make a cultural comment (I'm from NH/Maine). But finding organisations outside of work is more likely to offer opportunities to meet like-minded people as suggested.

I was single until age 44 and lived in a New England seaside town about the size of Penzance. It was hard to meet other people once I left the university job and became self-employed. At uni job, my colleagues were my friends. So when I got home, I didn't feel a need to socialise and had quiet evenings in, happy with my own company.

Once my self-employment work started to get really busy, my customers became great social friends, but not ones I felt really close to for confidences, etc. It was also very difficult to meet eligible men as it was more of a family town for the locals. But lots of tourists in summer... more families!

Actually, I met my husband when travelling around the UK and popped into a pub. He just happened to be there and after talking for 3 hours, we knew we wanted to see more of each other. Within a year we were married and we first lived here in the UK, then he got early retirement and we moved back to the US for 8 years, then we left again and moved back here to the UK. Felt a bit like a yoyo LOL. But we have not been here 16 years and I think here in the UK there are more things for older single people to do. EG coach trips, Univ of 3rd Age, National Trust volunteering, and community volunteering. Or church, if you are spiritual.

Depends on your interests. And with the internet, it should be possible to find things in your area, or within driving distance. Give it a go... and if you are OK with it, let us know where you are located.

Take heart... am sure you will find your place.

(why is there a icon LOL!!!)

hopefull you will find suggestions of classes, or societies etc. where you have a chance to make friends.

I have found that with age one's friends die and one has to work quite hard to find new friends.

I do make sure that in my handbag I keep an address book so that if I meet up with someone and we want to get together I have their name, address phone and email (if they have one). I also put date and place. I know that the modern thing is to use ones mobile to log numbers but then if that goes missing so does ones whole social net work unless it is backed up.

The address book I copy into an excel sheet on the computer and have it set up so it will print out labels for Christmas cards. (my handwriting is appalling as I am dyspraxic) I do however try to write two or three personal sentences.

The emails I put into the electronic address book with a year date against the name and if it was a holiday abroad the name of the country.

If I have met the person because I am on a committee with them I put the initials of the committee etc.

All this helps me to be able to be positive in making contact and arranging to go on things together.

Hope you soon find some very sociable people. Like others have said those at work are not likely to be friends in retirement.

Thanks to this thread i am now looking to see if there is a Red Hat Chapter meeting in my area!!

Good luck

Have you tried making friends outside the workplace by joining groups with similar interests to yours? Anything would do from a bookclub to a walking group or learning a new language - the sky's the limit - good luck.

I really feel for you Flowergran and can relate to what you are saying. All I would say is stick with it as nothing in life ever stays the same. When I first started my last job, I was slightly older than the rest and they really were a spiteful lot. You know the sort of thing, it all goes quiet when you walk in, looking you up and down and excluding you. I put my head down and got on with it, having had a few experiences temping I was quite used to being left out. Soon, one by one, they moved on and a whole new set of people came in and the whole atmosphere changed and I found myself fully accepted. Really hope it all works out for you soon.

I'm sure the many suggestions above will help. Like gillybob I've never been one for friends. I have a few that I meet up with very occasionally, mostly ex colleagues. I'm a bit hopeless at keeping in touch with them. I've never felt the need for friends really. I realise I am fortunate that I have my DH and am very close to my two sisters. I do understand however that people feel alone and need other people. My DD is an only child and has heaps of friends. My DH hasn't got one friend (he can't be doing with them) but is close to my sisters' husbands.

How far off retirement are you. The only thing I can add cos everyone has given lots of advice what about getting a dog or two if you can, strange as it is dog walking is lovely for meeting people and talking it is easy to suggest that they come back for coffee or go on a different dog walk together or the cinema.

My sister has heaps of friends KatyK she has never married or had children, which means all her time is her own to do as she likes.

She has tried to drag me along to a couple of her "girls nights" on a couple of occasions. i have nothing at all in common with her friends and if I'm honest I just spend the time wishing I wasn't there, so I can't see the point.

7 years to go till retirement. My work hours probably wouldn't allow for a pet -I'd feel bad it wouldn't get enough attention. Maybe when I'm retired though. Goodness, so many responses. I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one, thank you for sharing. In retrospect I was perhaps too reliant on my husband before and should have made sure I had my own circle to rely on.

I so sympathise with trying to fill the gap caused by the absence of close friends. I grew up in Australia but am English by birth. I have family and friends in Australia from school and university who I am fond of as we have known each other such a long time.
That is the real issue:knowing people over time. I have lost close family and friends through death and know those relationships can never be replaced.
I have made friends through my children but again circumstances change as families grow and people move away and divorce and remarry.
You do have to have a reason for being together in the first place for a friendship to spring up and those reasons dismiss with age.
All the suggestions made by previous contributors are wise and true but sometimes I think we have to accept a solitary life and count other blessings.

I'm a bit like you gilly Also, I'm not a confident person and I'm more comfortable with my own family. My DH has never been one for socialising outside the family. If he is going out and sees any of the neighbours out the front, he waits until they've gone in before he goes out! He's a lovely man and he's not shy, he's just not really interested in small talk etc.

KatyK are you sure we aren't in a bigamous relationship with the same man???

I did used to have friends a couple of women I went out with occasionally KatyK but to be honest they probably weren't real friends at all as they (2 of them) used every opportunity to bring me down. Bragging about their wonderful lives, family, wealth, value of houses, holidays etc. I have always been a "what you see is what you get" type of person and I would come home having met them feeling quite hopeless and really worthless . It took me a long time to realise that they were treating me like a kind of sport and enjoying my various misfortunes. I don't doubt they had a good laugh at me behind my back. They really knocked my already quite shaky confidence.

I know what you mean Gillybob. Years ago I was befriended by similar mums at the school gate who were very competitive about their DCs achievements and grand holidays. Gradually I saw less and less of them. It's interesting now when we sometimes bump into each other how friendly they seem, as some things have changed and tables turned!

FlowerGran I wouldn't waste any more energy trying to get into the little "gang" at work. It sounds like you have done all you can and look at it as their loss if they choose not to include you. As others have said it's best to look around for clubs or classes doing things that interest you. Friendships can develop but it may take time and if one seems too cliquey it may be better to try something else. Some people have dozens of friends but I can count mine on one hand and that suits me fine.

I belong to a women's organisation called Soroptimist International - it has Clubs all over the world and in the UK you can join as an Associate Member too if joining a Club is not right for you. I joined the St Albans Soroptimist Club when I worked in London and was delighted to meet a bunch of like-minded supportive women - I now have "sisters" and friends all over the world! Our aim is to improve the lives of women and girls all over the world - we include ourselves in that and have fun too! In the UK the website is www.sigbi.org the US one is www.soroptimist.org - and the International umbrella organisation website is www.soroptimistinternational.org anyone is welcome to attend Soroptimist meetings/events as a guest - hope it works for you as well as it has worked for me!

I can relate to Flowergran and many of you others. I've always felt an outsider. In the sixth form one friend started doing things with another friend which didn't include me - the first time I felt very hurt and left out. I didn't make any 'best' friends as a student although I keep in touch with several at Christmas and one in particular by phone during the year. I worked part time, retired two and a half years ago after a long time in my job but I was never part of the social set-up, never part of the office chatter and gossip, never knew about relationships within the office. My husband has mental health issues so we never had friends as a couple and he didn't want to meet any friends I had. At times I felt really low. There was a group of four of us who met through toddler group and met up once a week with our children but that petered out when our children started different schools. My old school friends don't live near but we meet up maybe once a year. Since retiring two and a half years ago I've joined the U3A and know lots of people through that although not apart from U3A activities. I'm in a book group, we don't have a car now so I walk and bus a lot and know loads of people by sight to say hello to. I'm much happier, it's all happened rather by accident but I do very much identify with being an outsider, not being invited to work events, it's awful. I used to look up 'outsider' and relevent topics on the internet just for comfort to know I wasn't alone in this. Sometimes I have distressing dreams about being left out of groups and activities and I wake up very upset. I do now, however, feel much more resilient and try to be objective and think to myself does it really matter if I'm not up to speed with what's going on behind the scenes. Sorry, I've burbled on too much but it's quite a release to let these thoughts out that I couldn't possibly express to people I know.

Hello to all of you lovely ladies on here....yes...making new friends after losing loved ones....losing touch with school friends etc...is certainly tough & a real effort...I too always felt I didn't quite fit in with the women in this area when I settled here after early retirement from running a family business...but guess what I did today...walked into a store where I worked at a christmas temp...saw a lovely lady I used to work with...suggested meeting up for tea & a chat some time soon..when she has time...she took my number & will text me when she has her day off...there you are...a little confidence and boldness works..I'd never have done such a thing when younger...but I just did it...so go on ladies,...be bold & brave...I'm in the Romford area of south east...if any of you want to meet up & start a friendship group!..xxx