This isn't really about the porn, but he's certainly using it as an excuse to separate himself from you. If he wants to live in his lair why not let him???
Can you split your house down the middle so you each have your own areas?
I certainly wouldn't be making any meals for him. Treat him as he treats you and see how he likes it!
If you don't feel able to leave and start over on your own then at least live your life to suit yourself and be as happy as you can. Don't let him grind you down any more.
Wishing happiness for you! 
Gransnet forums
Relationships
Husband's pornography use
(152 Posts)Would be interested to hear how others would deal with my situation. Many years ago and only 4 years into our marriage, I discovered my husband was using binoculars to 'spy' on the local blonde up the road. Happened whenever I was out in the evening (which wasn't often) and he 'operated' from our two young children's bedroom ?. I was deeply, deeply shocked (and surprised) to say the least, and seriously considered leaving him. I never truly got over it; whenever I raised the issue he told me to 'get over it'. Just no conscience about it or much else to be honest. Then I discovered lads' mags under our bed (presumably used when I was asleep). For many years he would stay up alone only coming to bed in the early and not so early hours (this by now was the days of the Internet). Once my student son and I walked in the door to be confronted by a voluptuous nude covering the computer screen - hopefully my son didn't see what his father was up to. Then about three years ago he just moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room saying absolutely nothing to me. I challenged him many times but he gave a different reason each time. He's in his mid sixties but 'ogles' attractive young girls still and always has done even when our two attractive daughters were the same age group. He's still in his own 'lair'; I feel incensed with anger but on the occasions I've tried to talk to him about it I get nowhere. He can come over as plausible to a counsellor and somehow my feelings of betrayal, grief and anger get dismissed or at best overlooked.
Despite it all I do still care about him though I wonder what his real feelings for me are. In my sixties I don't feel I can set up again without becoming even lower but the bottled up emotions are harming me I know. He seems to get away Scot free. I don't feel I can tell my children what he gets up to or why our relationship is now so distant. We do little together, never holiday. I put his dinner in front of him every night, he pays the utility bills. Have I got the energy or the strength left to change the status quo.
What would other grans feel in this situation?
"Tell him you are going, and that unless he makes it financially possible for you to do so, by i.e selling your joint home, then you will tell everyone why you are leaving."
If your home is jointly owned you are legally entitled to insist on it being sold and the proceeds being split.
The majority of men look at porn! I would be more concerned about him spying on the neighbours with his binoculars, Im sure if proven this is a criminal offence.
re the posters telling you to kick him out is not the answer, you need to sit him down and talk to him.
A former doctor poster says 'A lot of men use porn' maybe so but this man is not just looking at a few mags (not nice in itself but you could probably put up with that) but he has put his sexual needs above everything else in the relationship which seems non existent He disrespects other women by ogling at neighbours He disrepects you and all females He moves into another room without even telling you he sounds awful and I would have probably gone after the neighbour incident
My advice as others have said is untangle yourself as soon as possible get advice as to the best way to get your share of the house money etc and go as fast as you can
Being alone will be wonderful compared to this and who knows your confidence may grow without him making you feel so worthless
Good luck
Mumsy she has tried talking to him they have been to counselling by the sound of it talking isnt going to do anything now way past that
I would be long gone. This behaviour, and his attitude to it in relation to you, can be construed as 'unreasonable behaviour' in the legal sense.
Don't worry about 'setting up again in your 60s'. You're comparatively young yet - are you going to tolerate this for another 20 years? I remarried in my 60s after widowhood, and the man I married was also 62 when he walked out on an abusive marriage. There are some things 'up with which you should not put' to paraphrase Churchill.
This made me feel so sad for you 123gran. What an awful situation to be in. How you deal with it is a very personal choice but I hope you find the strength to leave whilst you can still make a life for yourself.
Thinking of you and sending love and a hug.
I would definitely get shot of him; life's too short for you to live like this; blokes like your husband let us men down.
Hello Gran123
I really feel for you. What a sad and difficult situation. I am a relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist, and I feel your use of the word 'shame' is important.
Not condoning it in any way, but your husband is probably feeling very ashamed, and is more than likely addicted to porn/voyeurism. I would suggest going to a specially trained psychosexual therapist to deal with this. (Look up the COSRT register).
Say to your husband that if he won't go for help you will tell the children.
Otherwise, I would get some peace and leave. Not easy I know, but you will feel you have have your self-esteem and life back. Good luck. I am thinking of you.
This is a difficult situation. Some on GN advise to remain and live seperate lives but I would not trust him not to have a go at silencing you with threats and even carrying them out.
For your own safety make plans to leave. Start your own Bank account and put money in it. See a lawyer about a divorce or do some serious reading about it
When you are prepared to leave him tell the children, get them all together and tell them, he can be there as well.
Then leave.
I you can't find anyhwere to live then try to just ignore him, don't push him into a corner unitil you have a plan B.
It's easy fir us to give advice to you but how would we feel if it was us? How would we react.? You need counselling to get you out of this situation I do feel it's time you spoke to your daughters and allow them to help you you will be surprised at how supportive people can be. If he needs help he needs to do it. You need to think of yourself now get help financial and emotional and make sure you get the life you deserve!!
This is not a marriage and you've really got to muster the courage to face your husband head on with this,(with or without outside help from a counsellor or family member) on the basis that he's got to stop his behaviour and show you respect or you're going to need to think about separating. Get some advice from a family law solicitor (most offer a fixed fee appointment to start with) so you can get an idea of what a divorce would mean financially and then only you can decide whether you'll be happier on your own or staying with him. I'd personally rather live in a tiny flat on my own rather that put up with such unhappiness and you've got plenty of time to build yourself a new happy and independent life.
To introduce a lighter note, his behaviour is like theft in a multi-storey car park-wrong on so many levels!
I agree with the posters above who say there seems to be little equality in your relationship. Your husband seems selfish, inconsiderate and unlikely to change.
However, you have two problems to negotiate if you decide to part from him. Firstly, you cannot allow him to take your home from you after he has behaved so cruelly and secondly you do not want your children to blame you and let him off scot free.
Firstly, consider the house and your part in owning it. You need to consult a lawyer (without telling anyone) to discover the best way of retaining your half of the property. It might be that it is in your husband's name and that walking out of the family home would jeopardise your rights in it. Find out how to part and keep half of the house.
Secondly, the children. If they do not know the full extent of your husband's poor behaviour they might well be tempted to blame you for the break up so they will have to have the unvarnished truth. They will inevitably take it hard and be upset and will initially lash out. You need to be rational, reasonable and reassuring, especially, if you say that your husband can easily fool a counsellor.
However, there is no getting round snooping on a neighbour, withdrawing from the marital bed and indulging in porn after the habit has become identified as a problem. You are in the right and it is the persistence of your husband's arrogance which is the problem. He is manipulating others around him to take his side already so you will need to be steely and determined.
I have every sympathy for your plight. Good luck in solving it.
I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation, 123gran
What strikes me is that you seem to have been approaching it from the position of what would be best for your erring husband, and for your family. You are kind to wish to avoid distressing them, but what about you?
You indicate that your husband comes over as plausible to counsellors to the extent that your anguish is disregarded, so it sounds as though you have tried couples counselling to no avail. I wonder if you have considered some counselling just for you, so that you can have one-to-one support and find the strength and validation to seek a happier life for yourself?
It's inevitable that your family will have some moments of discomfort, but they have their own lives and support systems, whereas it appears that no one is looking out for you.
As for your husband, I would say that he deserves his portion of distress. If nothing else it might encourage him to seek help for his perverted and cruel attitudes to women. It's not just the porn and the peeping-Tom activities - it seems that he is totally neglectful, cold and unaffectionate as well. You state that you still have feelings for him, tho' it is difficult for me as an outsider, to understand why!
As someone who has suffered in a similar way, I would urge you to look for help for yourself. 'Relate' will counsel one partner alone, or women's organisations can signpost you to other aid.
I very much hope that you can free yourself from this sad and unpleasant life, and move on to better times!
I think the question is - do you want to stay with him? If you do then, having tolerated his appalling behaviour for so long, there seems to be little that you can do to change this, especially as he believes he is okay to behave in this manner. He has and is behaving with no consideration for your feelings whatsoever. Have you already tried counselling (it sounds as if you have) - it might help if you haven't to do so. Is it possible to divide your home so that each have your own space so that you can live separately? He would have to be responsible for his own laundry and cooking/cleaning - why should you continue to do this for him. Do you want to make a new start? If you don't want to tell your children the truth then perhaps you could agree to a separation? Many older couples find they have grown apart once their children are gone so this wouldn't be too great a shock to your children, especially as you say they are already aware you are unhappy. It might be of help for you to have counselling on your own to help you decide what it is you want to do.
I agree with stanlaw - get some advice on the position if you should Divorce (unreasonable behaviour), is house paid for? is it in both names, do you have a joint Bank Account? You need an outsider to talk you through the options & discuss your future financial position.
I know for many women it is a daunting task to walk out on a long marriage & the fear of being alone. Better to put up with a bad situation etc. I wouldn't advise talking to your children until you have made a decision (you don't have to tell them exact reason just that you've drifted apart/fallen out of love etc.)
Life on your own does require a certain amount of courage but you can take control unlike the position when you are suddenly widowed. I lost my DH to Cancer 3 1/2 years ago quite suddenly. I waited a year before making the decision to sell our home (we had downsized & moved area only a year before his death) & move to be nearer my DD & her family. I have no regrets & have lovely friends & neighbours.
I wish you all the best & hope you find the right way forward for you & your wellbeing
The reason we have the epithet 'dirty old man' is that there are a lot of them about. We have some rather strange social attitudes to sex, now that the internet has arrived and many people use it for sexual titillation. I am not sure your kids would find that much more than amusing.
Spying on neighbours, is a bit more 'creepy' but my guess is that it is what people did more of, before the internet happened.
Goodness only knows, you can see practically all of anybody on TV now, or rolling in the gutters on a weekend outside of nightclubs, attitudes have certainly changed.
I wonder how lonely he is?
You are at a time of life when you can make a new life if you choose. Make sure first, that you will be secure financially and don't lose out on any pension pot etc.
I think, difficult though this is, he may have been swept along by a tide of changing sexual mores, while you have stayed somewhere, prettier. Thousands of 'what the butler saw' machines and sea side post cards can't be wrong!
Take a step back if you can and try to balance out what is the best for you, a new life, maybe, your old life, with a 'dirty old man', maybe.
My ex was a womaniser, at least a peeping Tom isn't promising some impressionable girl the world, at no risk to himself.
I hate the pornography world............but it is out there and is rapidly becoming a normal art of life........or rather, a more easily accessed part of life.
This is about what you want. Nothing to do with the kids, they live in a different world, and if revelations did hurt them you would just feel guilty about that too. is there any real difference between all the potential exposures??? Not unless they make you feel much better and are totally predictable.
Do what makes you feel safe and happy. 'Never apologise, never explain' springs to mind here.....you deserve every happiness.
123gran
I am so sorry you are in this situation. However I suggest you do not tell your children. Believing in a happy family life which includes two loving parents is a foundation for good mental health. Suddenly to destroy that view for your children by telling your daughters and driving a wedge through your family with those who know and those who don't may result in you being rejected by everyone.
When my last parent died a family secret was revealed in the dissension about the funeral arrangements. At least for those who did not know about and maybe still don't we have a satisfactory view of our parents. I would not like to have known about it earlier, though it did in retrospect explain some elements of two of my siblings behavior. Since the funeral I have not discussed it with either of them as I see no point as i feel the harm would go down the generations. I would not wish their grand children or great grandchildren to know.
This has touched such a nerve for me. My ex husband was a GP who was suddenly sacked by his partners after it came to light that he had been carrying out several sexual relationships and viewing Pirnmill at work. He went on to be suspended and then allowed back to practice by the GMC ( a whole other story!) When the s*#t hit the fan we separated and divorced. For years I had known that he had a flirty and at times inappropriate attitude to women,and a v secretive computer 'lair'. What I was shocked to learn was that my children were more aware of his behaviour than me,and my then 13 yr old daughter had been traumatised by finding his home made port on his open computer. Trust me,your children will be protecting YOU, and will know more than you think. Secrets are corrosive,and I suggest you stop thinking that you're protecting them and discuss it together. What you choose to do about your marriage is your decision; I have never looked back and only regret the time I wasted.All the best to you,whatever you do x
porn at work
Dear 123gran, so sorry to read about your situation. I think it's time for you to look after yourself. It is easier said than done. I discovered my husband was looking at porn after I'd gone to bed and was furious with him. He was mortified and I now "joke" about it. There's no need to tell your children, it's simple, you and your husband just don't have much in common any longer and you have other interests you would like to pursue.
You deserve a holiday
xxx
In addition-peeping toms rarely stop at just looking. Ask any police officer or social worker.
Personally, I'd have been long gone, but it's never too late to start a new life, and let's face it, you'd be so much more relaxed on your own, away from such a poisonous partner.As for telling the adult children, adopt a policy of total honesty, and you won't regret it. Secrets in the family just fester and make things worse. Good luck to you. Do the right thing for you, and I think you know what that is...
I would leave him. He doesn't sound worth the effort or the misery.
My late sister eventually left her bullying husband after 37 miserable years and found a good man who treated with a respect she had never known.
Advice to obtain advice from a solicitor is paramount. Know your options.
On a personal level, do you love this man? Your relationship , from the information given here, does not seem a strong one, however 'horses for courses' and what is good for one couple is not for another. Only you will know where your heart lies.
I do agree that you have perhaps been looking at your problem and thinking of your children's feelings over your own. Perhaps you could consider yourself more and think of the the next twenty/thirty years - a long time to be with someone you dislike.
Your husband needs to know that you are near rock-bottom, then between you a clearer path may lay ahead.
All this is written with the proviso that your husband is not a violent man, i.e. if confronted by some home truths, he will not attack you. If you believe he is, take further advice from a solicitor or woman's refuge.
I return to my first sentence - know your options and move forward - don't stagnate - from there.
I wish you a good future.
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