Husband's pornography use

The ' spying ' incident was a long time ago it seems . The more concerning issues are the Internet porn and moving into his own room without explanation. Your children are adults and cannot be protected from life's problems, you may not want to tell them everything but they should know how unhappy you are.
If counseling has failed then you need to get professional advice on your options. As others have said living alone is so much more preferable to being unhappy.
In the meantime try to make a life for yourself that does not include him, he can get his own meals when necessary. I have walked in your shoes with the separation problem and believe me life can get so much better.

What is it about this situation that keeps you in it? From what you say it sounds pure misery. Are you scared of being on your own?

Well 123Gran, despite how many people tell you to leave, you have to want to do this yourself. Where will you go? Will you divorce him? I guess you could easily divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. How would you feel about selling up and possibly down sizing. It's easy to say leave and your life is obviously unbearably miserable. I am so sorry for you but instead of playing the loyal and loving wife, try distancing yourself i.e. no meals, no laundry, all of the domestic issue that he expects. That could be a wake up call.

This guy has obviously some psycho/physiological issue which probably has no relation to his feelings for his wife. Men are very good at compartmentalising things.
Sex drive is usually driven my hormone levels, too much, too little, wrong sort...I am sure the husband would prefer to be 'normal' if there is such a thing.
Maybe a chat with the GP would help. I do think that the children should be made aware to offer support.
You should comfort yourself that his obsession has nothing to do with you. If you can create a separate life for yourself whilst living together do it. Otherwise resolve to leave and be free of the torment. Life is not so bad as a divorcee.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My partner who was very loving for the first year although a little flirty with friends started staying up late looking at porn. He inappropriately touched a couple of my friends who didn't tell me at the time and was generally obnoxious to me.He was also ona couple of dating sites talking to other women. No-one had the foresight to tell me what was going on even though my friends and family hated him and I was oblivious to most of it but stressed about the bits I knew.
It eventually came to a head on my sons wedding day when he went round touching other women and I saw sense. The very next day I threw him out, he didn't apologise or even seem worried about it, and soon after hooked up with another woman. No doubt he's still doing the same thing but at least I don't have to put up with the behaviour and stress!
Yes its hard the first few months adjusting but I would rather be single forever than go through that again.

How have you put up with it for so long? Once the children were living independently I would have been planning my exit. It's hard at 60 to be contemplating a new life but start now. 60 is the new 40 as my children keep telling me. Can you imagine another 20 years with your husband? Think of yourself for once and start planning !!

i feel for you 123gran. my advice, for what it's worth is to get as much advice as you possibly can about separation and divorce and protecting your interests. many solicitors offer a half hour interview for free these days and they are very knowledgeable about these things!
i would also open a bank account in your own name and put money into it - make arrangements for any pension [although you're not yet old enough for the state pention] to be paid into it so you have money behind you.
i know from experience that trying to live in the same house but separately is extremely difficult - i lasted three months before deciding that i wanted out.
porn may have it's place in any relationship [i'm broadminded enough to know that many men do look at porn - my current partner likes looking at the ladies on websites and it doesn't bother me - i join him sometimes!]. but i know many women don't like it and never will.
i put up with a relationship with my ex husband for many years as i didn't have the self confidence to do anything about it and wrongly thought that i couldn't afford it. so it was after our youngest went to university when i left him having split our possessions between us and settled on a figure for him to pay me off!
i know how "negative" you can feel if your self confidence isn't good - perhaps a chat with your gp might help.
i don't think you should tell your children until the time comes and i think you should include your son in this as well - they all deserve to know why.
i know you've got time ahead of you to enjoy a life without the "baggage" you're carrying right now but i also know how difficult it is to take the first step.
i'm sure you've got the courage to get out of this poisonous relationship and move forward into a happier future. good luck.

What does your husband think of you?
He doesn't think of you at al! He doesn't care about you - you are of zero interest to him.
What an abusive bully, all smiles for strangers and no love or care for you.
Please, think of yourself.
Get out of this pretend relationship.
Your children will already know that something is UP, if more detail is needed just say you have grown apart and need to go your separate ways.
Easy for me to say you are thinking but you will survive and enjoy a better life without this millstone around your neck.
Abuse comes in many forms, not always physical.
I know.

Please do discuss this with your children. I don`t want to alarm you but it is possible that there have been incidents involving them which they are desperate to talk about but have been frightened of upsetting you.
Even if they don`t know anything now surely it is better that they discover it from you than in any other way - imagine how they would feel if they had to clear your house one day in the future and found evidence of his behaviour

I would not have tolerated this behaviour at all never mind for years,he is a dirty old perv. The family and the authorities need to know about him, you could be protecting a criminal. My first thought would be to rent a hoarding, within binocular distance and name and shame him. Might be a good idea to revert to your maiden name too.

This man is way off the spectrum of decency. you are worth much more. Your children are adults and yes they will be upset and horrified, but they are big enough to weather it and support you. They will probably be upset that you have not shared this horror story with them before.

Separation/divorce is opening the door to a new and much happier, fulfiling and independent life. Tough to start with but oh so rewarding when you come out the other side. I am sure you will get lots of support from friends and family.

Do not even consider his feelings. He brought this on himself.

Best of luck and I wish you well.

Seek your own counselling .What porn is he looking at . As said get your own bank account .
Me personale would have separated .What to tell your children .Are they going think you condone his actions .?

You are married to a man that women are uncomfortable around, warn their children about,.

What you know about your husband is revolting. The question is, what don't YOuYOU know about your husband. That's frightening.

You're in your mid sixties. Not young but certainly and hopefully a few decades ahead of you. One crack at life, try to salvage something out of it other than your children.

Is there any positives to this relationship? Did you ever laugh together, love one another, support one another? Or just relentlessly bleak?

Please tell your kids , could he regard his granddaughters and their friends as someone to perv on , shouldn't your children know he needs watching with their own friends .
If I had to live in penury I couldn't live with this , It would worry me too much.
Good luck whatever you decide

There is a saying ' your only as sick as your secrets ' which I have used as a benchmark throughout life. By saying nothing and suffering the emotional burden alone all your doing really is protecting him. I think it's time to blow the whistle because while your doing what your doing ,you'll keep getting what your getting Do the brave thing and it will set you free

It might be worth seeing another Counsellor. I think it is a very personal service and you may have found someone who is easily flannelled.

The main question is 'what do you get out of this relationship?' Is it really worth the unpleasantness of staying?

Find out your rights first. If you are going to leave, work out your leaving plan first. Seriously consider letting your children know before you leave but make it clear that it is final or they may think that you want them to talk you out of it.

Being on your own takes some getting used to but I think that you will feel like a massive weight has been taken off your shoulders once you make the decision.

You aren't being a prude. Many people look at porn but this is beyond that. I suspect that part of the thrill is you catching him and not liking it.

He is acting ashamed and obsessive regarding the porn which has made it secretive and now distant. Alternative view coming up
... but maybe ask him what he is looking at and what he is enjoying, breaking the barrier of secret porn and it will probably becomes less appealing and you might get a window to build a relationship in. Or you leave.

I thnk if the relationship has boiled down to you putting a meal in front of him and him paying the utility bills it probably isn't a relationship worth salvaging. You are sharing less and less of your lives together and your self esteem has taken some hard knocks over the years. It is easy to stay together and not "shake things up", but you are still young enough to enjoy a great social life , take up new interests and feel whole again without living with this constant feeling that you are just not good enough. He has chosen to have a relationship with pornography ...leave him to it. As for the children, they just need to know that you have decided together that you want different things in life and have decided to lead separate lives. THey don't need to know the gory details.

Disgusting, I feel so sorry for you, maybe try and talk to him about it, if you dont get a positive result, you may have to leave, I hope he understands this.

I split up with my husband in my mid 40s after 24 years of marriage. I decided I deserved more than being spoken to like dirt, and couldn't face carrying on like that for the rest of my life. He seemed cheerful and pleasant to outsiders, but they didn't know what it was like having to live with him. People were shocked when I finally made the break and said I should have done it years before. I got so used to the way he spoke to me that in the end I didn't notice it much of the time and it just washed over me. I remember after a social gathering at my sister's, she told me that one of her friends had said my husband spoke to me like a pig. It was hard and I'm not a very courageous person, but I got divorced, moved house and got a job after 27 years being at home! I did six computer courses, passing exams. I had been a secretary in London before I had children but didn't know how to use a computer. My husband never wanted me to work. I think he wanted the little wife at home ready to do his bidding. Apart from decorating, which I helped with, he never lifted a finger. My younger daughter was 11 at the time, but it didn't seem to affect her, apart from having to leave her school and friends, but it was time for her to leave junior school anyway and she much preferred her new school and seemed happy. I am single but have had two long relationships since then. I can honestly say I have never regretted leaving him. It wasn't a phrase used at the time, but now when I look back on it he was what you would call a control freak. You have the rest of your life ahead of you to be happy, take the plunge! I'm sure you won't regret it and I wish you well.

You do seem to have had to put up with this behaviour for a long time and I think therefore, you have probably been deeply unhappy for ages. However strong and long our marriages are I would be surprised if at some stage, most of us havn't thought of leaving "but where would I go?" - usually after a strong disagreement, but for most of us, it soon blows over. In your situation it isn't going to blow over. You say you have the house to yourself in the daytime. Can you summon up the courage to visit a Solicitor, taking all your financial details with you, and finding out what your situation would be if you took the brave step of making a new and independent life ? You would then be armed with the information and it might help you to make the final decision. I can only wish you the very best of good luck and hope you will find happiness in your future years.

Radicalnan, what a good post. These bits are so pertinent imo.

"We have some rather strange social attitudes to sex, now that the internet has arrived and many people use it for sexual titillation."

and

"he may have been swept along by a tide of changing sexual mores, while you have stayed somewhere, prettier. Thousands of 'what the butler saw' machines and sea side post cards can't be wrong!"

and

"I hate the pornography world............but it is out there and is rapidly becoming a normal art of life........or rather, a more easily accessed part of life."

You are right. It's the way of the word. I think gran123's situation is awful. Her husband knows his dirty secret is out there with his wife and yet he is selfishly indulging himself all the same. His spying on a female neighbour is disgusting. I imagine every single one of us would feel nothing but revulsion if we discovered our partners indulging in such activities.

However, as radicalnan points out, porn is everywhere. Society has changed and porn is easily accessed. The shame factor has been taken away, and liberals will tell us there is nothing wrong with either sex being stimulated by scenes of a sexual nature, and those who find it offensive are puritanical reactionaries.

I am not of that mind nor would I find sharing pornography as a sex aid a good idea. That happens too, I believe. Pornography is demeaning to women imo and a man needing to feast on it would not be in any way attractive to me.

It would be very interesting to get a man's perspective on viewing porn, because I imagine most magazines for modern women would probably condone the viewing of it. It is easily accessible. I doubt if they'd describe anyone into it as a 'dirty old man' either.

I am not suggesting for one minute that older women are prudish - the internet means we are more aware of the world around us after all.

I'd say gran123's husband is the personification of a 'dirty old man' and I wouldn't want to live under the same roof as him either. As someone who stayed in a bad marriage much too long, I appreciate too how difficult it is, logistically, emotionally and financially to up sticks and move out. It's easy to say, but much harder to do, to put things in place and make it happen, especially when you feel emotionally frail.

Gran123, I would stand my ground. I would tell your husband you have lost all respect for him, and you will be leading your own life from now on. Getting out there and joining groups can be quite difficult too, but slowly you have to alter things. Set up your own rooms - he has, so you can too. Look at the finances. It sounds as though you rely on his income, but I'd not worry too much. I'd see that as a small compensation for the life you have to put up with because of his nasty habits. It doesn't sound as though he respects you or will listen to reason, so strengthen yourself. Build a life for yourself which doesn't involve him, slowly. It could be the springboard for big changes later when you feel more emotionally strong. My very best wishes to you.

Very worrying behaviour. I would be long gone. A life alone is heeps and heeps better than living with this man. What he is doing is a criminal offence, don't be a part of it. Leave him.

Threaten to dump him!

Angharad56 is right. And, also, I do not agree with the idea that the majority of men look at porn as a routine part of daily life. Maybe most do at some point in their lives, but not 24/7. And these sites are not free for ever, they draw you in, then you have to pay for access. And is it only adult porn? Could he be viewing child porn?

My husband was on a jury of a child porn case. Thankfully he did not have to look at the evidence, the jury was told the different grades/levels and what they meant. The defendant had started with 'young girls' and then 'drifted down' into child porn (teen/pre-teen/children).

There may be a point where it's not pleasurable, it's just provides a temporary release from an intense craving. If he's addicted/obsessed with it, he needs help. He may even want help. The tipping point of when it was just self-soothing masturbation may have been passed and more intense content (even violent) is needed. Internet porn has changed everything from the days of plain brown paper packages magazines coming in the post.

And all producers/participants in porn are not voluntary. There is a sexual slavery trade in producing porn, and involves both sexes.

You can search the internet for porn addiction's connect to mental health and there's been a lot written about it. And it does not have to be from a religious/moral point of view. It's about whether a person is in charge of their own body and mind, and how to cope.