Husband's pornography use

Taking time to digest all the responses a little at a time. So glad to have others' reactions. A little overwhelmed ATM as it's like opening the situation wide after all this time. I will need to re-read and process slowly. I take the point about the 'modern' shift in attitudes to sex - in some ways it can be healthier and less inhibited, and yes, I am stuck in a 'prettier' attitude to sex. TBH I don't think I will or want to changer that. For me a good healthy sexual relationship grows out of trust, loyalty, mutual support and friendship and love between a couple, whatever their gender, and that will always be so for me. Not likely to, nor do I want to change that attitude, even if I could, but I ABHOR the skewing of attitudes to women and women's bodies part of which arises from extreme porn IMO. And from some of the media. As my father used to say (!) 'what's the young generation coming to'! I wonder if this will still be being said in 40 years time?!

The worrying thing is 123gran is that this isn't extreme porn, this is "normal" porn, and it's being absorbed and internalised by boys and men.

Just remember that you have a right to be happy

You don't need to tell your children the details, it would be unpleasant and distressing for you all. You might find you're happier setting up home on your own as I imagine living with a man like that would be a pretty lonely existence.

With respect 123gran I think you are looking down the wrong side of the lens, this isnt just about porn, or the changing attitudes to it, or what is now acceptable and now isnt, it is about the horrible and cruel way you are being treated by your husband. Just taking himself off to his own room, without warning or consultation, no joint activities, no mutual affection, would be just as bad if his hobby was genealogy. I feel you are starting to blame yourself, by saying that you dont like porn, you like 'prettier' sex; not it isnt your fault, it is his. Also, just one thing; how would you feel if it was your son in law? If your DD was living as you do, a solitary housekeeper. Get out woman.

That is telling it as it is , GillT57 ! You are right , he has more or less abandoned 123gran , she should either kick him out or leave . I am coming round to the idea of changing the locks when he is out .......... after of course taking all the steps advised by other posters . After all it is her home . I would also love the idea of getting a virus onto his PC !

Not sure laying the fault in the next generations lap is either helpful or actually accurate. I've been re-reading a book on social history that I came across on my studies years ago that includes 18th and 19th C sex workers and what were quaintly called 'Courtesans'. Eye popping in what was going on in many very grand parts of London - seriously there were things happening there that would cause an uproar. Tastes will always be catered for if there is money to be made - its just the methods of distribution that change
In many ways the next generation need protecting from any family member whose sexual appetite impinges on the family dynamics. I did say I had to wish to trawl up history but my siblings and I realised much of the unhappiness and outright dysfunctionality of our family was because our Father was far too interested in sex. Once our Mother died he pretty much abandoned all pretence and was on the Internet all hours and then there were the visitors who moved in weeks at a time.
As young children we knew we lived in a very unhappy home, as teenagers we knew something was very wrong. By the time we were young adults we moved out as quickly as we could having lost all respect for him and, not understanding the dynamics of the psychological pressure our Mother was under, sometimes felt she colluded in his tastes. Children know something is wrong, they might not recognise or understand it but they know! Protect them, let them know you recognise what is happening as wrong - you do not have to lay all your pain at their door but they do need to know what he does is deeply wrong and destructive.

Thanks HildaW. You missed my point about the next generation; wasn't in any way a blame statement, merely a comment on how norms and standards change over the generations, as your reading exemplifies. Your childhood sounds awful. I hope you've managed to leave it behind.

This is gong to go on and on.... If he could change he would of by now. Your children are grown up so why not just separate and start a new life for yourself. There is a wonderful world out there...go join it and be happy.

I have realised, from reading about situations a little like this, and from people I know elsewhere, that a potential dramatic change in lifestyle can take a lot of time to digest and amy be eventually act upon. And everyone, and everyones' situation is different.

It is up to 123gran what she eventually chooses to do. And in this particular situation, no one is in any danger of any sort as far as I can see. So the time, if there comes a time could and can be of her choosing, as it should be.
Else we ourselves also turn into people who are not letting 123gran be and do what she wants to do at her own private pace.

Thats a bit unfair obieone. 123 Gran asked for advice ( and certainly got it!), and a lot of people have given encouragement based on their own experience, showing that life out there on your own can be ok. This is an important factor in any decision that 123 gran will take, and I think she has found the advice and discussion here useful. Surely that is one of the advantages of an anonymous forum?

I think Obieone has made a valid point re time scale. There is no rush for Granny 123 to decide . She can make decisions at her own pace.

I agree with all of your post GillT57. I have just added an additional point?

Exactly,advice is one thing and 'telling' is another.Money is very important in considering divorce ( apart from anything else).Thankfully I have a very happy marriage, but if I didn't, in the area I live in, splitting the money from the sale of the house and savings would not buy each of us even a one bedroomed flat each. Not everybody wants to move away from their area either , seeking a cheaper house, if family and friends live locally.

I would want to know why did he feel the need to look at a neighbour in that way. Has he a much higher sex drive than you.
Do you still have a sex life.?
Have you refused him sex on occasions.
His actions of looking at magazines or porn are very common in men in that men find visual stimulation an outlet for frustration leading to them masterbating.
I was nursing in mental health for many years and many patients both male and female shared how their lives had been effected by lack of a sex drive or having a high sex drive. There is more to it than being called " a dirty old man" I would not discuss it with your children at this stage I would suggest you discuss the matter with a clinical physiologist via your GP.

He has no right to spy on the neighbour, whatever the situation is with his sex life.

I personally could not stay with him, all respect would have gone and I would find it difficult to be in the same room. I know a couple that celebrated their Golden Wedding with a big party and public shows of affection, the husband is a dirty old man, even trying to get off with a friends teenage daughter, he has had several affairs and is into porn, he makes my skin creep although he is still a good looking man. His wife has decided that all the material possessions mean more to her than ending her marriage and they enjoy many expensive holidays together, if you split up you end up with half of everything. I would rather that though.

Caretaker, you seem to be focussed on the needs of 123's partner, rather than on hers. This man's behaviour towards their neighbour was inappropriate and could categorised as criminal.
What on earth do you mean by asking questions as to whether she has met all her partners sexual demands? The OP is not responsible for her husband's behaviour towards the neighbour, nor for his use of porn. Yes, many people use it but whether that is always healthy is a longer discussion than is appropriate to this thread.
Why do you suggest the OP seeks advice from a clinical psychologist via her GP. She's upset about her disintegrating relationship, she dislikes her husband using binocs to spy on a young female neighbour, didn't like the way he 'ogled' their own teenage daughters friends and feels distressed by his behaviour towards her. That all sounds perfectly understandable to me, not something that needs the expertise of a clinical psychologist. Her husband is a different matter but I don't suppose he sees any need to seek psychological help.

I bet you're to scared to say "Its ether Porn or Me"

I know I would be, I've been in this marriage since 1972 so where would I go.

I said to OH "Do you look at porn", OH said that very few over 65s have sex in the car.

I'm going to have a drink

Your last sentence asked what would other grans feel? well I feel so much sadness & compassion for you , & hope that you find strength & help to forge some form of life for yourself even if still in the same house , because there is so much more about you /for you than the lowest form of behaviour that this dispicable man clearly thinks is acceptable .

Strength &a good luck

Thanks norose4. Your response means a lot.

thank you & please know you will always be being thought about & wished strength & determination to have peace of mind & happiness

123, I have PMd you

Remember for anyone leaving a marriage, although having a little money put to one side for the very earliest days, you are entitled to half of all property, money, including current and future pensions, insurance and endowment policies etc. The only possible exceptions to this (and they are just possible exceptions) are when a marriage has been very short (a year or two) and one party had some wealth, whilst the other did not and has behaved badly. So in circumstances like those here, finances do not need to be an issue in the decision to remain in the marriage or not.

I'd kick him to the kerb, and fast!

People have said about it being a completely different life to live on your own. It is true, I am living that life. I was widowed before I was orphaned. So it was not until after my last parent died that I realised just how alone I was.
I do not and do not wish to depend on my children for company or assistance.
We are all likely to have a 50% chance of ending up alone with the death of our OH. There is no way round that. However, I would hate to spend my final years with someone whose conduct disgusted me. This conduct disgusts me and then there is the disrespect which is not acceptable.
If 123gran decides to leave her OH we should all give her the best support we can and also if she decides to stay with him we need to lend a sympathetic ear whenever needed.
SPF