Husband's pornography use

Don't be afraid to move on. Think of it as a an adventure what have you got to loose? Worst case scenario you will be miserable but there again you are miserable now. Worth taking a chance on happiness?

Whatever you decide, good luck to you

I would separate from him - my ex has turned into what I would term a dirty old man over the years and I am really glad I am rid of him. We have been apart for twenty years now, and although it has been tough being on my own at times, I am so much happier. I can identify with your feelings and you are worth more - when we split it was like a cloud had lifted from my head.

Be bold be brave - make this about what YOU want - you don't need to live like this.
Best of luck :-)

I can only say the same. I was 68 when I split from my husband some 30 years after I should have done. I am so much happier now; ahuge weight lifted from my shoulders and though difficult at times I am so so glad to be shot of him. As for telling the children, that's a difficult one. My daughters were very supportive, my son much less so. Only you know your children and their likely reactions. Wishing you the very best.

Your story is so sad; you must have had lots of good, positive reasons to have stayed, as this started many years ago. But I would really caution against telling your children. Perhaps, as with some other secrets, you should "take this one to the grave" - although not yet! I say this because my father was a porn addict and I struggle with what I know about him and the natural desire to be proud of a father. I prayed that he would find forgiveness with God before he died. But will any good come of telling your children? As long as they - or your grandchildren - are not in danger! If that were the case, you must go. (I say this because my father went on to carry out what he saw...). I have been in your shoes as well, married to a porn addict. Some people, like the GP above, minimise the danger of porn. I believe it is thoroughly evil, degrading to all concerned. It has nothing to do with whether or not the couple still have a sex life. I would like to see it outlawed. Every girl/woman is someone's daughter, sister, or mother...

Spying on a neighbour is against the law - he is a criminal and you are helping him by not reporting him. This is not a marriage it is a terrible relationship - get counselling for yourself and get help to get away from this abusive man.

I commented earlier, but I've just read your post to my husband. His view? 'The man is a selfish pervert. Pack a bag and leave'.

60s or not, this is from a man who did pack a bag and walk out on an abusive marriage. He's now 81 but he still does like to see attractive young ladies with short shorts and long hair, but no way does he 'ogle' them or resort to any form of pornography.

Dear 123gran,

I had a relationship problems going round and round non-stop in my head that I could not discuss with friends or kids. I went to Relate. Best thing ever, it stopped my worrying. Do it.

If I were you I would check my finances, make a plan. When you are confident that you can do it then go.
At the moment you seem, to me, to be very unhappy anyway. Take your time and then do what suits YOU.
I hope that life gets better for you.

I hope you find the strength to end the relationship as he seems like he has little respect for your feelings if I were you I would look into financial side of living alone and believe in yourself stop protecting him yes it is embarrassing telling others the reason behind it but he should be the one embarrassed by his behaviour not you .

Not so much 'using porn' as being a predatory sexual deviant. I think if you seriously sat down and listened to your own description of your husband as if he was being introduced to you for the first time as the OH of a close girl friend, you would be deeply worried.
Relationships are about far more than mutual attraction, I've said it on many occasions no doubt, its about trust and respect as well and can you honestly say you do either? More to the point does he respect you, and other women in general?.

Hello 123gran - I hope all these posts, with their wide ranging responses, have been of help to you. Do keep coming back for support and let us know how you're getting on.

P.S. I have no wish to go into details but men with such leanings rarely reduce their requirements or demands as they get older - quite the opposite in fact and with the added complications of age related loss of inhibitions and just the sheer bravado of not being caught.

I would be very worried that he would have progressed to viewing child pornography which just plays into the hands of those sexually exploiting young children. If he is downloading lots of porn he may find the police knocking on the door one day. This happened to someone I knew as his ISP provider noticed this man was downloading lots and presumably told the police or the police set a trap - don't know which. But he was arrested and is awaiting trial. Do hope you can extricate yourself from this "relationship" and find the happiness you deserve. Sending you hugs.

123gran What would you think if you had read your OP from another gnetter? I suspect you would have replied to end the relationship pdq. This person displays no respect for you or consideration of your feelings. There are many other activities he may have indulged himself in that you are unaware of and, as already said in other posts, you are harbouring a criminal. For you own sake, as well as that of your children and grandchildren, end this relationship now.

123gran....There has been much good advice given by others here.
I have some thoughts.

1...If you haven't already done so get rid of the binoculars...other by hiding them in the house or putting them in a charity clothing
bin.

2.....talk to an appropriate counsellor on your own for your own sake and to help you to get all this into some perspective.

3.....Go on a holiday or short break on your own. Don't tell him where you're going. It might give you some breathing space.

There are many Retreats that you could go to and they're not all"religious" ones. I'd imagine that would be a very calming and helpful place to be. Try to find one in a favourite area of yours. Commune with Nature and listen to your heart and mind.

It's time to learn how to put yourself first
IMHO.

4.....quietly plan your own financial position
and if necessary start putting money into your own bank account.

5....regarding your children. If you stay in your home, but live as a single person by not doing anything for your husband, or if you decide to split up and go your separate ways, they might well ask "Why"
That will be your opportunity to tell them as much as you think they can handle.

If they don't ask"Why" then maybe it would be best not to tell them until they do.

I hope you can travel the right path for Yourself now. It's most important that you do. If you don't the situation that you're in could make you physically ill in time.

I do wish you well.

Leave!! This is never going to change, why would it? In tolerating the situation for so many years you have unfortunately given him permission to act like this and he probably won't understand why he needs to address it now. Retirement flats can be reasonably priced and a source of friendship if you decide to leave. It is always good to have friends to support you if you do go it alone. I wish you all the best and hope you can regain your self esteem away from this sad situation

A few of my thoughts on your uncomfortable situation, 123gran -

You are probably lonelier now than you would ever be if you left him and start again on your own.

Your children will be well aware that all is not well and I personally would not tell them the details of the issue - something along the lines of "I've been unhappy for many years and can't go on like this" would be my explanation. Whilst they might well feel conflicted, this sort of explanation wouldn't be forcing them to take sides.

You've expressed anxiety about taking such a massive step at your age - the longer you leave the situation the older you'll be, with less energy to devote to your new start.

Your husband appears to have checked out of your relationship, whilst you have tried your damndest to address the problems. If you feel you've given it your best shot (and to me it sounds as though you have), then it's time to call time on it.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

123gran there are many valid points being made here. I would say that you need to add knowledge to your armoury since, until you know your legal and financial position, it is difficult to move in any direction with confidence.
Make an appointment with a solicitor and make an appointment with your doctor and/or with someone from Relate.
I think that I would want to 'harvest' some specimens of the porn magazines or any other evidence to take to my appointments so that you have something tangible.
Once you know where you stand you can make decisions.

As for your family I would hazard a guess that the children already know and I hope that there is nothing which they are hiding from you in an effort to protect you. I hope that there are measures in place to protect the grandchildren and any other vulnerable people in your family circle.
As others have said these issues do not go away and indeed they often escalate. I think I would ensure that, at the very least, there is a lock on my bedroom door.

I was so sad to read what you are going through. I was married for 40 years to a pillar of the community. We met at university and had what I thought was a good marriage. I found out after 30 years he was using chat lines, watching pornography and seeing women. To be honest I was ashamed and told no one. I didn't tell my daughters. We went to Relate where he cried and said I was the only thing in his life. For a while everything was wonderful till it happened again. He said it was my fault as I brought it up from time to time. One of my daughters found out as he left his mobile phone and a woman rang. Eventually I came home one day to find he had left. That was 8 years ago I have a great life and realise I was abused . My girls were and are so so supportive. They have nothing to do with their father as they don't trust him and are worried about their children. I so wish I hadn't put up with it and left him years earlier there is life on your own and a good one. Good luck.

This is a rotten situation for you. Please now take stock of your life. I can see why you would not wish to discuss this with other people so it's great that you can open up to others safely here on GN. You may not wish or be able to leave but you must now start building up your own life and gain some real strength and self confidence. Try joining some groups, get yourself some hobbies and spend more time with friends. Nobody really knows the secrets and desires of their partners, which may be a good thing really as it's not always pleasant. Get yourself some counselling to help you rationalise your painful feelings. Make a life for yourself now, one in which he plays virtually no role whatsoever apart from the utility bill payer. Whatever you do please DO NOT ever tell your children. They will have enough going on in their own lives without this emotional, painful burden. They don't need to know. Spying on your neighbour was disgusting but hopefully it is all in the past now. That he looks at porn.....well, that's no big deal anymore really but honestly, your kids don't need to have this vulgar image of their father put into their minds.

I can't add anything to the good advice that has already been given.

But I think that I as parent would want to know.
So that I could make the decision regarding my own child(ren) being left alone with the grandfather.

As a daughter I would rather hear it from my mother than the police or an outsider.

If you decide to keep it to yourself and it comes out at a later date, your DC may be upset or even angry that you didn't tell them.

What ever you decide it is your call.
I wish you health and strength to sort out your future. X

I know how you feel my husband not only lookes at porn but frequents free sex chat rooms he denies this but I know he does my adult children would be mortified he is a very intelligent man I know he has had an affair she left an earring in my down stairs toilet this has been going on for years when I confront him he says I am a horrible woman I am on the verge of leaving him I hate him but we have been married for 42 years what do I do.

I agree with GillT57. I am sure alot of Men, and probably some women do look at porn if only through curiosity, although it sounds like he does it way too often. Personally I really do not like Porn it gives the wrong idea to people of how relationships should be, especially to the younger generation.
I think the point here though, as Gill says is that he is totally disregarding the effect it is having on you. He is showing no compassion to how this makes you feel. He sounds very selfish. Sorry to say that because he is your Husband. I wouldn't presume to advise you on what to do here, but I am glad you shared it on GN and I wish you the strength to deal with it in the way you decide is best. Please think of yourself

So much of porn isn't consensual either, it's filmed rape

and you don't know which video was made by an adult working in the industry and which videos are made by young women trafficked into the country, or coerced into making porn.

Plus, porn is getting nasty, if you go to the first page of the first site and read how women are described, not just sexually but the descriptions are full off hate. Porn often involves the object (female) being hurt, this is deemed normal and has a far reaching effect on how women in society are treated.

In your situation you have to be very firm with yourself, it's not your job to protect him or his reputation, he clearly doesn't care what effect his behaviour is having on you. You have the right to a happy, stress free life.

I see you haven't been back for a while 123 so I hope you are OK. Only you really know your situation but spying on neighbours is, at the very least inappropriate, and inappropriate behaviour is sometimes a symptom of illness. We have just seen a case within the family and it turned out to be a form of dementia so perhaps a trip to the GP is worthwhile.