Wedding/top table hurt

The day will be filled with mixed emotions for your dad , as well as yourself about your mum . He must have had to dig deep to reach a point where he could move on himself . He may need someone during the day to help him with how he feels . Let this lady help him ... Your mum would be very proud of you ... I know I would be if you were my daughter . Good luck for the future whatever your decision is x

How many tables are you having? When my son got married they had about ten round tables and close family members hosted a table each including my DH who was his step-father and also my DIL's stepmother hosted one as well. The tables were all named after restaurants or places they had been to during their 'courtship' so there were no table numbers. Everyone was mixed up with no couples seated next to each other and in many cases were not even on the same table. It was fabulous and everyone had a great time and no-one was offended.

What a positive minefield. Whatever you do will upset somebody. When my stepson married I was placed on another table with out my husband who sat at the top table. My feelings were that our relationship did Not matter and I still smart at the memory. Many friends, quite rightly, reminded me that it was not my day and to just get over it. However, I can assure the OP that this omission was extremely hurtful and although I can forgive, will never forget.

I'm so sorry sarabi, that your mum won't be there to share your special day.
What do you think her opinion would be on this difficult situation? She must have been a lovely llady to have brought you up to be so thoughtful and sensitive.
Maybe thinking how she might have handled this will help you to decide, but whatever happens, it's your day, and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!

Have experienced this angst in our family, the small rectangular table with just the bride and groom and the rest of the guests around circular tables worked wonderfully - no one questioned this and when it was time for speeches, the person giving the speech came and stood alongside the bride and groom.

Sarabi,
I know you have only known your dad's partner for a few months, but in years to come you will get to know her better, and she may well resent this. It will seems as if you are saying publicly that your dad and his new partner don't belong together. There is no disrespect to your mum here, but you are risking future family relationships if they sit apart. Please think carefully.

When both my son and my daughter got married the 'top' table consisted of the bride, groom and their friends (bridesmaids & ushers) their father & his new partner, I and my new partner 'hosted' other tables. This avoided any awkwardness.

Just a thought!!

Actually if you do decide on a top table, she should not be sitting next to your father anyway.

Traditionally, she should sit next to the groom's father and the groom's mother should be sitting next to your father.

Nearly all the weddings I have been to have been like that (including those of our DC.)

We did go to one where all the parents, step-parents, bride, groom, best man, bridesmaid were all on one long top table.
(But they are also divorced now )

Have a lovely wedding whatever you decide, but remember this lady could be in your life for a long time to come.
Your mother will be with you always

harrysgran I totally agree with you, it is the bride and grooms perogative to do things the way they want on this special day. Sarabi I hope you have a wonderful day and the happiest of lives with your new hubby.

I was trying to preview that and it posted before finished

Your mother will always be with you and this lady will never replace her but if you start off on a good footing she may become a true friend to you and a great support to your father who must be very lonely.

Your mum will have been pleased that your dad has found someone to share his life with. Please let her sit with your dad at the top table. In know way is it disrespectful to your mum.

In 'no way'....wish this forum had an edit facility.

4 years ago when my brother in law married for second time (for them both) they solved all top table problems by just seating themselves there. It was unusual but we all thought the perfect solution to who sits where when different families are involved.

You say that your dad's partner is a lovely lady so why not let those feelings prevail when you are making your decision. You could have something of your mum"s beside you on the table and she will be represented too.
Have a lovely day whatever you decide.

Anya, you are overstepping the mark. There doesn't seem to me to be any resentment at all towards the father's new partner. Stop being so judgemental. My advice - do what makes you feel happy on your day sarabi. Maybe talk to your Dad's new partner alone to explain your perfectly reasonable feelings. If she is as lovely as you say she is, she will understand.

Imagine your feelings on YOUR day if this Lady does sit where your Mum would have been. If you decide to let her sit with your Dad at the top table for the sake of hurt feelings, will you then regret it on the day and wish you had not agreed ? It would be sad to have misgivings on the actual day. On the whole I think either a top table with just you and your new Husband or with the immediate bridal group - Best Man and Bridesmaids. The nearest table then could accommodate the next closest guests including the new Lady. If this Lady is as lovely as you say, she will surely understand and respect your wishes.

Whoops, completely missed that there were the pages on this thread, and replied to Anna's, which was ages ago. Ignore me (apart from the advice of course!)

My father had a serious accident a few days before my first wedding and my uncle by marriage gave me away - I didn't like him and really wouldn't have wanted him there at all, but it was too late to cancel. Dad was there in spirit and I decided to let mum have my bouquet to take home to him. You could maybe bring your mum into the day by doing something similar (wedding bouquet on her grave or similar) and certainly dad must remember her in his speech. But since you say you like his new partner, do you really think your mum would resent her presence at his side? Hope things will work out well and wish you every happiness.

I find the whole thing so difficult and so must others. I think it is time we re-thought the whole top table thing.

I remember being really upset (though I didn't say to anyone) when my daughter got married. Her dad and I divorced when she was young and I brought her up with the minimum of help from him. He had already taken up with someone else when we split. Anyway, he gave her away, which was fine but, at the table, her dad sat next to my daughter, his wife/partner? sat next to him. I ended up fourth along with my husband sitting between me and my ex's partner because I found that slightly easier than sitting next to her myself.

I felt really marginalised although I know there was no intent to do that but I felt it anyway. It could have easily spoiled my day but I'm strong and got through it.

How much easier it would have been if, as suggested above, the bride and groom were at their own table.

This was ten years ago and it still upsets me now. It was never possible to discuss this with anyone without me looking petty.

I'm still on page 1 dramatictessa

You can set it to 100 posts per page, see top of thread.

I think the top table for two is an excellent way forward and then small tables all round much more acceptable than those horrible long tables I also think your Mum should be acknowledged by you.
I can see it from both sides, I can't imagine how difficult this will be to see your dad there with another lady, but I also see how he could be hurt
A shame he couldn't have come on his own just on this one occasion I think he maybe should have talked it over with you first and seen whether you wanted him or him plus one and if you agreed to him plus one you could then have both discussed where to sit them
I hope it works out without anyone getting hurt
good luck

Oh dear, I can see it from both angles. I do not think that you are wrong to feel that no one can replace your mum, but I can understand why your dad would want someone to support him on such a momentous occasion. It seems that the main problem is that you don't know your dad's new partner very well. Is there any chance you could get to know her better prior to the wedding, so that hopefully everyone will feel more comfortable? My partner and I have been in this situation and are due to be so again next year, but as we know we have been accepted by our respective families, neither of us minds much about where we sit for the meal and speeches. I do think that the suggestions about not having a traditional top table could work best for all of you. I hope that you all enjoy your wedding day and I wish you well for the future.

Peaceatlast. How horrible for you! Perhaps it is as well to remember that, if you're going for tradition, (and I'm of the opinion that it's all a bit starchy and, "old hat" for 21st century but each to their own) the top table is for the bride, the groom, their attendents and the parents of the bride and groom. Those remarried parents who can't spend a reception sitting on seperate tables from their new spouses are all a bit needy and, "special snowflake" in my opinion. It's only for a few hours at most and, as someone has already said,you actually sit next to the opposite parent so not next to your ex at all!

If I had died instead of my husband and he had found someone else to go on with his life with I would not have any problems with that person sitting next to him at either of our children's weddings. I understand that you miss your Mum terribly and perhaps you could think about incorporating little memories of her in your day such as wearing an item of jewellery that was hers, using her favourite flowers in your bouquet and on tables, playing a favourite song of hers in the first few dances at the reception. I am sure too that your wedding will cause your Dad to think back about his life with your Mum and to wish she was still with you on this special day, it would be kind to allow him to have the support of his new partner really - wouldn't it?

sarabi I think it is very natural and understandable that you have feelings of sadness and regret that your mum will not be at your wedding. No doubt your dad is also sad that his much-loved wife will not be there to see you getting married.

Of course, it is your wedding day and nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel and what you should do. But might it slightly mar the occasion for you if you are aware that your dad - and his partner - are feeling that you are not entirely happy about their relationship (I realise that this is not the case but that might be the impression they get)? She might feel isolated and uncomfortable and he might feel unable to relax and really enjoy what should be a joyous occasion.

If you really feel it would hurt you too much to include this lady on the "top table", then perhaps, as others have suggested, it would be better if you and your husband-to-be break with tradition and have your own table and then your dad and his partner can sit together.