Wedding/top table hurt

You've worked hard to get to your thoughtful decision sarabi, it seems to me fair to all and the way to ensure you have no regrets afterwards and also less stress in the run up to your wedding. My best wishes for your wedding day and your life with your soon to be husband.

Glad you and your Fiancé have decided to have your own special table,may you both have a wonderful day and a long and happy marriage ??

Well I'm glad there is some sort of resolution but these thread will run on even after that.

However I do have to add that when you put yourself 'out there' on a thread and ask for opinions you can expect to get a range of replies, and this is to be expected. So please don't condemn those who take a different point of view from yours. I've seen posts condemned as 'harsh' just because they looked at it from the partner's point of view. And perhaps more importantly taking into consideration how the father might feel in this his daughter's a 'Big Day'.

anya I said that Zorro's response was "harsh", and I stand by that. I agree that when people ask for advice they must expect a variety of opinions but I don't think that should include calling people "selfish".

Definitely NO top table. Much the best. We have married off three DDs and never a top table. Apart from anything else the bride and groom want to table wander to speak to guests, the bride's father will almost certainly be up and down sorting out minor stuff and one wedding we went to they had what I call a "Last Supper Table" facing the rest, and when the Bride's father rushed off to deal with some disaster, and the Best man wandered off too, the poor Bridegroom's mother was left abandoned with empty chairs either side of her. Hideous.

Why not Eloethan? If that's what someone thinks then fair enough. It's not as if the word 'selfish' is especially vile, it simply means putting oneself before others.

Sarabi I haven't read the reply posts yet, but why don't you show your dad this post [copy & paste] and his girlfriend too, it will help them understand your feelings regarding disrespecting your dear mum. If you have only known this lady a short while and don't know her well, I think your correct in not sitting her on the top table, are there friends or family she knows, you can sit her with?

Just reading through sab and if you have only known this new lady for 5months, I would say definitely not on the top table, they could split up just after as they are not engaged or married, just going out. I have the same feelings as you regarding family.

I don't think she should be on the top table. It's great your father has found happiness. But that doesn't maker her anything more than a friend to you. And this is your wedding.
I also think it would be very poor of them to give their views on where they should be on your wedding. This woman hasn't raised you or had any input on who you are as a woman or adult. Why should she have such a place at your wedding?

Good morning! I feel bad that I can't reply individually to all of your well wishes, but they are very much appreciated!!

As a couple of people have said, we've decided to go with the table for two (just my fiance and I) and my dad and his partner, plus my sister, fiance's parents and the best man will be at a table right in front of us. The more we think about this idea, the more we like it. I'm sure we'll be milling about as well, but it will be a nice chance for he and I to have a moment together.

My dad's partner is none the wiser about the original seating plans, as he hadn't told her yet. I apologised to my dad and mentioned the change of plans last night and he seemed much happier with them, as am I. It didn't feel quite right to have her on the top table, especially since they've not known each other for very long, but as lots of you have pointed out, seating her apart would have been very wrong. I feel that this is a nice compromise.

We're all going for a meal next week as well (dad, me, his partner and my fiance) where I'll ask her if she'd like to come with me, fiance and his mother to test out cake. Feeling much less conflicted. Thanks again to everyone

Sarab your dad's girlfriend can join the top table for the evening. If your dad was married to this lady or intending to, it would be a different thing, but he's not, it's just a girlfriend [at the moment]

Well done on your decision Sarab I wish you a wonderful wedding day and a long & happy marriage, with lots of children & grandchildren. God Bless

I think there's a difference in saying to someone 'look inside your heart and question why you feel this way' and assuming that it is purely selfish.

Why not do away with a top table. My daughter is getting married next year and she and the groom are having a table on their own with circular tables arranged in a half circle around it for everyone else.

What a wonderful idea that the bride and groom sit on their own After all it is their day
Nothing worse than weddings and funeral oh yes and christenings to cause problems.

Sarabi it sounds as though you have found a happy solution. Have a lovely wedding day. ?

DH's estranged son arranged his own wedding and he and his new wife didn't have their own table at all. They simply arranged for there to be two extra seats on each table (which puzzled us when we first sat down!) and they moved between tables throughout the meal, a different table for each course, speeches and so on. It was the perfect solution to what could have been a very uncomfortable situation arising from the mixture of divorced parents, their ex partners, current partners etc. No one was left out or treated any differently. It was lovely.

Sarabi

You asked for advice. Despite some comments on here, I stand by exactly what I said. It is important, in my view, to please guests at your wedding, even if you have to do things which are not necessarily things that you, as bride, would naturally wish to do to please other people. It is important too, to be unselfish.

A number of people who came to my wedding recently said it was the best wedding they had ever been to, and it was arranged in less than 6 weeks, with a lot of thought (and tears beforehand). High on emotion and love, but not expense. It was also very funny, because one or two things went wrong. A further piece of advice for you is not to expect perfection.

And by the way, Sarabi, if I were that poor woman (and I say this with over 20 years of experience of being a bloke's partner with 3 daughters and a son whose mother was divorced) I'd be in tears now at the very thought of being sat at some other table apart from your father at your wedding

The difference is, Zorro21 that you have been with the bloke for 20 years, whereas this lady has been with Sarabi's father for just five months.
In fact, if I was that person, I would be saying that I did not feel comfortable being on the top table so early in a relationship with the bride's father, how lovely of Sarabi to invite me to the wedding, but I would like to sit on another table and perhaps get to know other members of the family.

As soon as the meal and speeches are over, people move and mingle anyway and Sarabi would be able to go and sit with her for a chat.

Smiles, flowers, wine, cake, sunshine, tea etc, don't do a lot to mitigate a rather harsh post.

THE ULTIMATE DIFFERENCE IS, JALIMA, I HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING THE BRIDE AND HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING THE GIRLFRIEND, THEREFORE I KNOW THE SITUATIONS PERFECTLY. I ALSO KNOW HOW DAUGHTERS CAN BE AND HOW THEY ACT AND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE A COMPLETE OUTSIDER IN A FAMILY AND IT ISN'T NICE. THAT'S WHY I SUPPORT THE GIRLFRIEND MORE THAN THE BRIDE, BECAUSE OF THE HURT.

THE TRUTH MAY HURT. ISN'T THERE SOMETHING IN THE ORIGINAL POST ABOUT HURT?

(just so Jalima doesn't feel deprived)

Zorro21 did you not know using capital letters is in fact shouting at someone.

Sarab I was going to suggest only having the bridal party and no parents, but I like your solution. I also liked the empty chairs idea for the bride and groom to be able to sit at different tables during the reception.

There are many parents who are divorced and still alive, it really doesn't work in my opinion having parents at the top table. Some of our lovely family photos are spoilt because of ex b/friends of short duration are included in the photo.

Jalima your post makes perfect sense, I agree and I am sure many other Grannetters do too. Waits to get shouted at by Zorro