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Going back to an ex?

(42 Posts)
rubylady Mon 05-Sep-16 01:41:33

I've just found out that my ex is now single, probably has been for some time. Is it wise to go back? We broke up ten years ago and were together for five years. I had the best five years of my life with him, he has been the love of my life. We never stopped laughing. I have been heartbroken over us finishing but he didn't cause it per se, it was the relationship ending that caused it, he wasn't nasty or anything. Do I chance my heart again, even as a friend or leave well alone?

Christinefrance Mon 05-Sep-16 07:08:03

In my experience going back does not work. However I know for some people it has worked successfully. It is such a personal thing, but think carefully before you commit. Even if you don't together it may be nice to have a good friend.

cornergran Mon 05-Sep-16 07:30:17

Oh ruby I can understand the pull, especially as I believe you will soon be living alone, but please be careful. Ten years is a long time, you will both have had experiences that will have changed you. I agree with christine, think carefully. The other person will have his own views and concerns about renewing a relationship, he may think differently to you. It's impossible to predict the outcome of a careful contact. There's a bit of me that thinks you may regret it if you don't take the risk, but of course you may regret it if you do. No easy answer, but you know that. I hope someone else can be more helpful to you and send my best wishes.

Mildred Mon 05-Sep-16 07:46:32

Only you can decide, but ruby I just say take it slowly don't jump in. Any relationship can cause pain but bring great joy as well. Would you settle for being friends?

DaphneBroon Mon 05-Sep-16 08:29:31

Oh think carefully. He may have been the love of your life but much water has flowed under the bridge since that 5 year relationship.
Are you perhaps overthinking those happier days as you prepare for your son to leave for university?
If your ex has been single for some time and there is a flame to be rekindled, why has he made no effort to contact you? There may be a friendship to be reformed, but don't hold out too much hope of a reigniting of former passion sad
You may get very hurt and I suspect you are not in the right place to risk that.

Mumsy Mon 05-Sep-16 08:50:38

NO NO NO if it didnt work the first time it wont work a second! I was foolish enough to think it would work despite being warned by friends not to go back, the outfall was far worse than the first time round!

absent Mon 05-Sep-16 09:03:44

You can't step into the same river twice.

aggie Mon 05-Sep-16 09:08:31

If he wanted to rekindle the dead ashes I think there would have been contact by now , take off the rose tints . I met an old friend recently and couldn't ,for the life of me , see what on earth had been the attraction

annodomini Mon 05-Sep-16 10:00:24

You say the relationship ended but there must have been a reason for that. You are building castles in the air ,*ruby*. He will be a different person now and you may have changed more than you think.
The grass is not always greener on the other side of the hedge.

MiniMouse Mon 05-Sep-16 10:29:31

ruby You've been through so much emotional turmoil and, now, with your DS leaving for uni, you'll be feeling very vulnerable. If your DS wasn't moving out would you still be thinking as you are about your ex? Just be sure that it's not fear of the unknown that's making you feel this way - which is very understandable btw flowers

Willow500 Mon 05-Sep-16 13:42:08

I think in principle I agree - if he has been free for some time he could have made the first move but apparently hasn't which might say a lot or simply that he doesn't know if it's appropriate or not. Ten years is such a long time to be apart and you will both no doubt have changed a lot. However everyone is entitled to another chance at happiness - do you have a mutual friend who could perhaps sound him out tentatively initially? I don't think you should go rushing in to anything as you've been through such a lot and will still be vulnerable - it would be awful to be hurt yet again with rejection,

phizz Mon 05-Sep-16 20:30:59

I wouldn't touch an ex with a bargepole. Think yourself lucky to have got out of it once and leave well alone.
If he's interested he'll contact you.

FarNorth Mon 05-Sep-16 21:29:15

Rubylady, you said "I have been heartbroken over us finishing but he didn't cause it per se, it was the relationship ending that caused it,"

Surely the relationship didn't just end by itself? You and he must have had something to do with it?

Don't rush into anything! Especially don't rush into having him move in with you!
If it's meant to be there'll be no need for rush.

Zorro21 Mon 05-Sep-16 22:55:29

How about just seeing him for a casual drink or a mealand seeing if you canjust have a good laugh as a friend and take it from there.

Penstemmon Mon 05-Sep-16 23:03:45

Do you have mutual friends? It might be better to meet informally in a crowd at some event to see how he responds when seeing you. He may well be heartbroken at the end of his recent relationship and not be interested in any new relationship , never mind rekindling an old flame and you pushing it may close down even a platonic friendship. I would be very wary of pinning any hopes on renewing a former love affair.

BlueBelle Mon 05-Sep-16 23:43:46

Platonic rarely works, sorry but once you ve been to bed with someone being friends isn't really an option one or other will move it back to where it was you can't put the genie back in the bottle

There was a reason the relationship ended its so very easy to forget that reason and see it all through rose coloured glasses

How come he hasn't hunted you down ?

rubylady Tue 06-Sep-16 04:56:33

I only found out he was single again through popping onto Facebook, not been on for over two years and don't do it regular at all, but a friend died and I wanted to see the comments left. Obviously I stalked the ex and saw he was single.

I have moved house, he doesn't know where to, I am under a different name on facebook, my phone number has changed since last I saw him. So probably short of hiring a private detective, he was on a long shot.

Anyway, after thinking about it today, I agree with you all. He had the chance to not cheat on me, not once but twice in the five years, so I would be a fool to let him have the chance to do any sort of hurt again. We did laugh a lot, got on like a house on fire but he did cheat. But it is time to move on, find some new friends to play out with. I am having a hard time thinking of DS leaving, only two weeks now. Why is being a parent so hard?

I want to feel alive like I did when I was with my ex. I have felt nothing inside in the last few years and it would be great to feel myself tingling again, if you know what I mean. But with someone new eh? Maybe that's the way to go. It's just not that often you come across someone who just gets you. Talking myself round in circles. I did send him a message to tell him about the mutual friend dying so see if he does reply. Even if he does, I still have the option to say no thank you. And I will if I feel it is the right thing to do for myself. I have to think of and for myself now. smile

BlueBelle Tue 06-Sep-16 05:38:21

Haha that's a very different story Rubylady from 'I ve been heartbroken over us finishing but he didn't cause it per se' to he had two affairs during your 5 years together, so I think he very much did cause it. I would suggest when you remember those great laughing, loving times you also remember the heart wrenching sad times when you learned of his latest affair and betrayal. That added piece of info should tell you all you need to know to answer your own question which I think you may have done however I m not convinced if he answers your message with a " I ve missed you too shall we try again" type message you wouldn't fall into his arms
Your choice of course but blindingly obvious to outsiders

vampirequeen Tue 06-Sep-16 07:33:25

About a year after I escaped I started to see my ex and the relationship through rose tinted glasses. Was all of it really so bad? Did I still have feelings for him? I was much calmer and in control....dare I say more confident. I'd started my Jezebel period and decided to seduce him (he hadn't touched me in any way for the last nine years of our marriage). Sex seemed as good a way as any to judge how I felt quickly (and believe me with him it was quick lol). I can honestly say I felt nothing and it proved to me that the relationship was well and truly over.

Now, I'm not saying you should seduce your ex. Just be wary of how we see the past. It's natural to remember good times and block out the painful times. Both you and he will have changed over the last 10 years. You're not the same people you were back then. If you do decide to contact him and meet up be very careful. Be guided by your current feelings and not by the feelings of a long dead relationship. Keep him at arm's length and tread very carefully. He broke your heart once. Don't let him do it again.

Luckylegs9 Tue 06-Sep-16 07:51:33

Think why it ended. There has to be a reason even if it's just boredom. You were heartbroken you say, was he, if so why did you break up? When you have answered these questions perhaps you will know if you could begin again with a bit of experience under your belt. If you decide to go for it, just dont burn all your boats, I would see him, go on holidays etc but keep my own place, just to see how you work as a couple.Good luck

GrandmaMoira Tue 06-Sep-16 11:09:42

If you are considering a relationship with him again, you will need to first decide if the ups of the good times are worth the issues caused by his inability to be faithful. It sounds as if you have to decide between a peaceful (maybe boring) life or a dramatic one with a fun person who cheats. Do you like calm or do you like drama?

Judthepud2 Tue 06-Sep-16 11:40:45

Never go back! The past is a different country! DD3 went back to her estranged husband. It was a disaster.

FarNorth Tue 06-Sep-16 11:48:58

Why is he single? Has he been cheating again?

He will see your little message as saying to him "I'm still interested, how about it?"
Is that really what you want to say to him?

DaphneBroon Tue 06-Sep-16 11:52:19

This is "wee small hours" fantasising isn't it rubylady?
I imagine we have all been known to do it, my first serious BF tracked me down via Friends Reunited and we are in (occasional) contact via FB as we are I think still fond-ish of each other as friends. He is married (second time, widowed from the wife who I think "took over" from me whe we split amicably enough) and we are both happy. A bit of me does the "what if" thing, but it is nonsense as too much water has flowed under the bridge!
Have the daydreams, rewrite the script, but don't mistake wishful thinking for reality! smile

Zorro21 Tue 06-Sep-16 12:41:44

You did not say that he cheated on you numerous times - that is relevant. What I would say to you now is a little different, given that vital piece of information. Just have a laugh with him, make sure HE pays for everything, and choose some things you really like to eat/drink if you go out with him and concentrate at the same time on finding a man who is more loyal than that one, because he will break your heart again and again and again. There is always a reason why relationships end.